Thursday, January 28

Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Shameless self-promotion - it's my birthday! WOOHOO!

I am the big 3-5 today. 35. I wonder when I am going to feel grown-up and mature. I'm still waiting. I still laugh at jokes written for 12-year old boys, I still turn to my mom for advice on everything, and I still wonder who the heck decided I could raise two kids.

Anyhow, my band seems to be giving me a bit of a birthday present this morning - I am feeling tiiiiiiight. What the heck is this? I am kinda hungry, but I have that tight in the lower esophagus feeling going on. The lump in the throat feeling. I'm not even really wanting to drink. Could it be delayed-onset-restriction? (OH, I think I just coined a new bandster term - DOR!) I seem to be tight(er) in the AMs and then can eat way more than I should in the PMs. From all my reading, it sounds like I am close to my sweet spot - just not quite there yet, which makes me uber-excited for my fill in 12 days!
Let's see. My boss is taking me out to lunch (mexican) and my lovely husband is taking me out to dinner (seafood). Other than that, I am busy busy busy at work today. Lovely. Last year we had a snowday on my birthday, and I was really hoping for the same thing today! No such luck.

Wednesday, January 27

My conclusion on being fat and fit

I have come to a conclusion based on the Science of Amyology. What? You've never heard of it? I promise, it's based on some very sound scientific principles. Cross my heart.

So, anyhoo, I've been thinking about the print outs I get at the doctor's office when I get weighed in. Oh, hey, I never looked at the one last time. I'll have to go dig it out later and compare between my last two visits. Anyhow, I digress...

It said that my fat-free mass was 155 lbs, which means my muscles and organs and all the good stuff - basically everything but my fat - weigh 155 lbs.

And my goal weight is 173 lbs (24.9 BMI). If I maintained the same level of muscle I have now when I get to that weight, I'd only have 18 lbs of fat on me, which would be about 10% fat!

I know that ain't happenin'.

However, moreso than that, applying the very sound Amyology scientific principles, I have discovered that I really am kinda fit and fat. Heck, I have 155 lbs of solid muscle (and organ and what-not) under all these layers of fat!

Which kind of leads to my next point. Obviously, I am not too out of shape, as I haul around 300+ lbs every day. I'd like to see some of the skinny minis I come across every day do that!

So, there you have it. One of the first conclusions from Amyology. You really can be fit and fat!

(PS - I know I am not really fit, but it makes me feel better to think about how if I can just maintain most of my muscle as I lose the fat, I'll be in pretty good shape!)

The scale is not my friend.

I was so hopeful this morning. I've eaten really well since my fill last Friday. Doing what I'm supposed to (other than exercise, but I'm not supposed to until I get these mole stitches out today) and being a model bandster. On Monday, I was .8 lbs from my lowest point.

And today was supposed to be my lowest yet.

But it's UP. Up. Up. Up. Stooooopid scale. I'm now 1.6 lbs from my lowest.

Ok, I guess I'm over it, it'll come off eventually blah-blah-cakes. But the scale still got a small kick this morning. Just a little one, because I do want it to be nice to me next week.

So, my goal until my next fill, which is in 13 days, is to get back to my lowest. That's it. I need to focus on maintaining right now. A loss is just a bonus.

Enough whining - how about a few NSVs instead?

Well, this one is kind of a SV, but it's kind of an NSV as well. As much as I'm frustrated with not losing this past month (I weighed my lowest on 12.23), I've also maintained for all intents and purposes (I don't consider 1.6 lbs up a gain right now.) I've never, ever, ever done this. I'm either flying up in weight or crawling down. But a month? At virtually the same weight? SCORE for me!

My other NSV reminds me of Cara's from a few weeks ago - the towel victory. Mine is about my shower wrap. It's a size 22/24, which I haven't been for a few years. It gaps HORRIBLY in the front around my butt/thighs, but still hooks at the top, so I continue to use it. I looked in the mirror today and realized the 4" gap is gone! It actually overlaps on itself. Go me!

Off to a staff meeting, but will check in later.

Tuesday, January 26

Close but no cigar

Where in the heck did that saying come from? I have no idea!

Anyhow, I think I'm close but no cigar on the restriction front. (Are you guys tired of hearing about this yet? I feel like a broken record!) I did well with lunch yesterday - no need for snacks to get me to dinner, which was good considering how light my lunch was. And my mid-afternoon cup of coffee seemed to kind of sit on top of my food.

But then I was able to eat more than I should have for dinner, and it had noodles and a piece of banana bread (I had book club at Bob Evans - not my choice of restaurants at all.) And while I was satisfied, I certainly wasn't full.

This morning, I feel a bit tight. I just drank 20 oz of water and a cup of coffee and am about to eat my breakfast, so we'll see how it goes down.

Despite the fact that I'm not quite there yet, I'm feeling very positive that my next fill will bring me really, really close, if not to my sweet spot. I CAN do this! I will do this! I'm so anxious to step on the scale tomorrow for my official weekly weigh-in - I am so hopeful that it'll report my lowest number yet. Fingers crossed!

Monday, January 25

Could it be?

Could this be the beginning of restriction?

I had lunch about two hours ago - stir-fried veggies and an artificial crab leg thingie. Maybe 3/4 cup of veggies and one crab stick. (I made tilapia but didn't like it; fortunately, DD did and ate the whole thing!) I ate until the edge of hunger was gone. Definitely not to full, but not leaving myself starving either.

I'm feeling oddly full but hungry at the same time right now. It's the same as immediately post-op - the bottom of my tummy feels grumbly, but the top feels a bit bloated.

I'm going to guess this means I am very close to my sweet spot and my fill in two weeks should be IT.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!

Back on the BAND wagon

Let's just be honest and get it out of the way. I weighed myself this morning...I was expecting ugly. Well, not super ugly as I've been on liquids/mushies for 3 days, but I wasn't expecting anything even bordering on pretty. I did a happy dance though when the scale reported I was only .8 lbs up from my lowest. That's all I needed to hear to stay on the BAND wagon. Even though I thought I was not doing what I was supposed to be doing, something's working, and if I would just work a little harder, it would work even better. If you followed that! So, I am back committed to eating the way I am supposed to, restriction or not.

I am still not sure where my restriction stands. I do feel a bit of a lump in my throat when I eat, but I don't get a full feeling nor am I staying full longer. I did, however, only have mushies for breakfast this morning, just because it's what I had in the house (egg salad and a piece of string cheese.) I'll try eating some solid protein and veggies for lunch and see how it goes. Never fear, though, because I have my next fill scheduled for two weeks from Tuesday. I am determined to stay on top of this and keep the ball rolling right down the hill!

I had a moment of regret over the band this weekend. I watched a special on Discovery Health (I think - it was dvr'ed) about Gil Gerard who had mini gastric bypass. (PS - I had NO idea who he was before this special, but it was interesting nonetheless.) He lost 54 lbs by month two (oh, hey, today is my two month bandiversary!), and I've lost 39 lbs in the same time frame. And we started with virtually the same amount of weight to lose. As I watched, I started second-guessing myself. Why didn't I just do GB?

And then I realized, as great as this special was (I definitely would recommend watching it - just because it does cast WLS in a positive light), it didn't focus at all on his new eating habits. They talked a lot about his physical changes, how much more active he is now, and so on. But it didn't talk at all about what he eats, how much he eats, what he can and cannot eat, and so on. So, from that perspective, they really left a lot out.

Once I got over my second-guessing, I realized that I did make the right decision for me. Especially when at the end of the special, they talked about how he was still about 40-50 lbs from where he wants to be and his weight loss has slowed/stalled. I certainly don't wish him any ill-will, but it definitely reminded me that every WLS has it's pros and cons, and quick weight loss is not a pro of lap-band surgery. BUT long-term tweaking is a pro, and I will absolutely use this tool for all its worth...

So, in the words of someone (who? I can't remember!)...I'm bbbbbbaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkkkk!

PS - NSV Alert! DH drove my car last, and he always moves the seat up. Partially because his butt doesn't require the same amount of space as mine requires, and partially because his legs are about 3" shorter than mine. In the old days, if I tried to get in without moving the seat back, I'd get stuck between the seat and the wheel and give myself a few bruises. I'd also curse him a lot. Today, I got in the car without thinking about and realized I felt a little closer to the wheel than normal. But it took a second to register that it was because the seat was moved up! I hadn't boinked my head, bruised my knee, or anything else trying to get in. I just slid right in!

Sunday, January 24

Happiest place on earth

We're going to the happiest place on earth! Disney!

OK, we're not going to Disney...

But we are moving to Orlando!

I'm so excited, this post is going to be full of exclamation points!!!!

DH accepted a job yesterday to be a warehouse/inventory manager for a company that's moving their warehouse from Youngstown, OH, to Orlando. In case I hadn't mentioned here, he was self-employed until August when he cancelled (bad situation) his last contract, and he hasn't hadwork since. And self-employed=no unemployment, so we've been on my salary since.

He's starting at their headquarters in Youngstown on Feb. 1. He'll be there Mon-Thur and come home to spend the weekends with us. This will go on for 1-2 months until they're ready for us to head down.

Thrilled doesn't even begin to describe this! DH's dad lives in Kissimmee (~30 min away), my parents have a winter place about two hours away near Jensen Beach (~2 hours away), and we have some friends in the area. And I KNOW I have several blogger friends who go to Disney regularly (hint, hint) and one or two of you may actually live in/near Orlando!

More later - the kids need breakfast and so do I. My first mushies - excited to see if I have restriction or not!

Saturday, January 23

I say this with a lump in my throat...

HAHA! How's that for a lead-in?

I really do have a lump in my throat, and I hope saying this is not going to jinx it, but could it be a sign of restriction? Could it be?

Liquids are going down fine, and I get to try mushies tomorrow, so I'm guessing that will be the first test. With the real test coming Monday when I am back on regular food.

Anyone else with this symptom? A lump in the throat? Yes, I have no patience. Didn't we already discuss this?!?!

EDIT: Another suspicious symptom - burping. I am burping with every swallow. Hmmm, trying not to get my hopes up, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuttttttttttttt...

On a related note, I think the band really works because you have to go on liquids for a few days after every fill. HA! It has nothing to do with the band itself, but the liquid diet every few weeks. OK, I know this is not true, but I truly despise the liquid diet days. I am starving and cranky. Poor DH, poor kiddos. Poor me.

So, back to the fill front. I gained 3.5 lbs since my last fill. I knew I did. I just got tired of hanging on so tight. I kinda gave up. But with hope for restriction now and another appointment in 2.5 weeks already made just in case I don't have restriction, I am back on the BAND wagon, because I see light at the end of the tunnel. I may not have restriction this time (although my fingers are crossed tight), but I know the next fill would bring me at least something. I hope I can truly say the hardest part is behind me. I don't expect the future to be all smoothsailing and no work, but I'm past pre-op, surgery, post-op, and hopefully bandster hell. The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades!

Friday, January 22


I can't figure out how to edit a post from my phone, so this gets a new post. I ended up getting 1.5cc! I'm happy. He was going to do 2 but the patient right before me couldn't handle 2 and ruined it for me. Although my tummy's feeling a bit odd so it might have been a blessing in disguise!

So for the record, I now have 7.5cc in my 14cc band. Here's to restriction! (Of course after 3 days of liquids/mushies...)


Waiting for my fill...crossing fingers for 2cc!


Spot, that is.

If I think positively, it will happen, right? My fill is in about 4 hours, and I am READY for restriction, green zone, sweet spot. Whatever you want to call it, I am soooo ready. Did I mention I am ready?

Send me please-be-a-bit-aggressive-vibes for the doc. I know some of you don't agree with the aggressive route, and that's OK. But I live more than one hour from my surgeon (which means a half day off of work each time I need to go see him), he won't see you closer than two weeks apart (and prefers four), and after this fill, I have to pay $150/fill. So I am really hopeful to get where I need to be today. Oh, the joys of being a self-pay patient.
I'll report in later!

Thursday, January 21

Out, damn spot!

First, as always, thanks for all the comments on my last sleep-deprived post. I'll address that situation more in a minute.

Yesterday I had two more moles removed. The last one I had removed was cancer of the worst skin-variety kind, melanoma. I have an appointment to have three more removed in a few weeks, so please cross those fingers that everything comes back A-OK. I'm not overly worried, but I know I am going to have to be super-vigilant about my skin for the rest of my life. And with two little kids at home, I want the rest of my life to be really, really long.

I am sooooo thankful I have a fill tomorrow. As I've already whined about, I have zero restriction. Zero. And I'm not even really hanging on by anything anymore. It's been kind of ugly the past few days. No excuses, other than I am done with being hungry. So I really need restriction like yesterday!

The good news is a binge these days is still much smaller than pre-op. Last night's binge was two pieces of pizza. Not great, but not awful. Considering I could eat 4-5 pieces in a sitting pre-op, I know this is a big step in the right direction. But I don't want to even be eating two pieces of pizza. I want to eat 1/2 of one. And then be satisfied for 4 hours! Yep, I am an Aquarius with no patience.

On the sleep front, I cannot thank you all enough for the ideas and support. I am checking out some of the books you recommended, and I am 90% ready to do the 'put her in her room and don't get her out until the AM' routine. I just have to 100% commit to it, because I know that doing it partially and then giving in is worse than not doing it at all. But with the weekend approaching, I guess it's time to bite the bullet and just do it.

Finally, since I've complained about her, let me show you a few pics of my darling daughter. And my cutie patootie son. She really is darling - bright, funny, sweet. She's just stubborn as they come and has been since she was in the womb. My ribs still have the bruises to show for it!

Tuesday, January 19

Did you miss me?????

Smooches! I missed you all!

We had a nice weekend - quiet, which is good. AND I did get about 6 hours by myself yesterday, which was heavenly. Much needed for a battery recharge. I enjoyed every minute of it! Today I was in our satellite office, so no computer for me. Boohoo!

I am really looking forward to my fill on Friday. I am hoping, hoping, hoping the surgeon will take pity on the restrictionless me and give me 2 cc to bring me to 8 cc in my 14 cc band. It seems that a good 70-80% of people have restriction by 8cc in a large band.

A few of you shared your ideas/thoughts on DD's bedtime, and I could certainly use some more ideas and thoughts. If you don't want to read about how my two-year old is making me crazy, I understand. And we'll just part ways right here for today. And I won't even hold it against you, although I will be totally jealous!

For about the last month, DD has been sleeping with me while DH sleeps in the guest room. She was fine in her crib and then suddenly hated it. We tried the toddler bed. Hated that, too. Switched her back to a crib. Hated that just as much as before.

I've tried her mattress on our floor. She hates that, too.

We tried moving everything out of the guest room except the bed and making it a big deal about how it was her big girl bed. She hated that as well. With a capital H.

Indeed, she hates anything but sleeping on top of me or right against me.

A few side notes, she has always been a totally mommy's girl. And she can get out of her crib, open doors, open and scale baby gates, and is generally a monkey. I've debated getting a crib tent, but they are pricey, and knowing her, she'd be able to get out!

Over the holidays, we tried the Nanny 911 method of putting her in her crib and not engaging with her at all. Every time she got up, we put her back in without talking or looking at her. Every time she woke up in the middle of the night, we did the same thing.

We did it for four days.

Every night, it took between 3 and 4 hours to get her to sleep.

Every night, she woke up every 1-1.5 hours and would proceed to scream for 45-60 min. She did this all. night. long. For four nights. With no naps. And waking up ready to go by 8 am.

By the fifth night, DH and I were done. We were both zombies from getting 3-4 (broken up) hours of sleep.

I finally said, I don't care. She can sleep with me. At least we're sleeping.

But I think I've hit the wall. She takes FOREVER to fall asleep. She wakes up constantly throughout the night. She's often up for 1 or 2 hours in the middle of the night. So, I'm not getting much sleep. Last night, for example, it took me almost 2 hours to get her to sleep. Then for the 7 hours I slept with her, she woke up for 1 hour around 3 am and begged to go downstairs, and also woke me up an additional 7 times. As you can imagine, I am tired. In general, I hate sleeping with other people, even DH. I especially hate other people touching me while I sleep, and damn, this girl wants to be glued to my side.

So, what do I do? Is it a phase? Do the Nanny 911 thing until it works? I am seriously at my limit with this. I yelled at her several times last night, and I don't like that. I hate being so frustrated with her, but I am tired and would like an hour by myself in the evenings, even if it is to get crazy and scrub a toilet or something.

We have a bedtime routine that she loves. We've tried no nap, later nap, shorter nap, earlier nap. We've tried earlier bedtime, later bedtime, no tv before bed, and so on. We've tried going for walks in the evening, going to the Y, and doing quiet activities. She doesn't drink caffeine and doesn't have sugar after dinner. I'm about out of ideas.

My ped recommends getting the child safety knobs, putting them on the inside of her door, and leaving her in there until morning (the guest room with just the bed and some toys, that is). No matter how long and hard she screams. I am seriously thinking about it, but part of me thinks it's cruel. CIO is one thing, and we've had to do it with her before. But this feels different.

Argh - it's making my blood pressure rise just talking about it, and it's almost bed time, which also makes my blood pressure rise. Anyhow, ideas, support, or Fed-Exed wine would be greatly appreciated

Friday, January 15


I really have no clue what I'm about to write about, but I like to post a little something at least daily, so here's your daily dose of babbling.

The Haiti thing has me bumming. And then my husband said something so insensitive about it last night, I about punched him. Let's just say I'm quite a bit more liberal than he is, and more humanistic/idealistic, so we often disagree. But this was a new low, even for him. Jerk. Edited to add: It wasn't racial, which is what this sounded like. More about how we couldn't afford to send $100 mil in aid when our country was in a recession. I had to explain to him that Haiti poor is a completely different poor than America poor. Through clenched teeth.

My lovely daughter is still having major sleep issues, and I hit the wall with it last night. I am so totally done with hours to get to sleep, no staying asleep, sleeping next to me, on top of me, sleeping with toes in my side, etc. I need her in her own bed, thankyouverymuch.

No restriction still in bandland. One more week, and I'll hope that I get at least closer. Anyone else with a 14cc band? If so, when did you hit restriction? (Yes, I know it's individual, I'm just curious.)

I do have a three-day weekend coming up, and if all goes as planned, I might even get the house to myself Monday while DH goes to the auto show and the kids go to daycare. I can't even begin to describe how exciting that is to me. I spend every waking moment (and hell, every sleeping moment right now, too) either working or with a kid glued to me. It's a bit tiresome. I love my kids, but I need some time to veg in my own space.

And on that note, I am outta here!

Thursday, January 14

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

I wanted to share one of my favorite quotes with you. Grab a cup of coffee, or your water, get comfy, and read with me. Does it speak to you? Because it sure does to me.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson

It's therapy day!

And I love me some good therapy. Almost as much as chocolate. But not quite.

To review (in case you don't remember everything I've ever written, which you should, but I know my life is so fabulously exciting, you might have forgotten a detail or two), the last two sessions have centered around career discussions. What a different/better career would mean to me, and even bigger, what I want my life to look like.

Thanks to Brooke over at Lap Band Labyrinth, I am really mulling over testing the waters in freelance writing. Or something related. She discussed how she sometimes feels/felt like a fraud when writing - like one of her clients would suddenly discover she had no idea what she was doing. I can totally relate. And I want to explore that fear a bit more today.

Because I think I could make it. I just have to dig deep and find the courage and confidence to really believe that. I don't want to say 'think.' I want to be able to say 'know.'

On other notes, today's weigh in was not kind. I deserve every ounce of it, but it still sucked. Up 4 lbs. I know it's some water, some because my monthly friend is threatening to visit, and some from the dessert I indulged in a little too freely. My goal is to be back where I was by next weigh-in. And then it'll be almost second-fill day, thank goodness.

Wednesday, January 13

I don't wanna!

This is going to be a whiney post, so feel free to skip it. Seriously, whiney. I have a 2-year old at home - I know whiney. And this is going to be whiney.

I want restriction. I am not just hitting the wall with my dieting. I splatted against the wall like a fly. I am done. Done. Done. Done. As in not rare or even medium. But well, well done.

I was hanging on by a thread until yesterday, and all hell just broke loose. I am not surprised - 6 or 7 weeks is about how long I usually make it. And hmmm, oh, yeah, today is 7 weeks.

I won't go into details so as to not send your salivary glands into overdrive. But let's just say that last night's dessert (which I indulged in) might have found its way onto this morning's breakfast plate. Ok, the remains are in the garbage, and I shall repent at lunch.

Mentally, I keep falling into 'last supper' mode. I know once I get restriction, several things are going to be off limits, most likely. And mentally, I want them before my fill next Friday. However, I will get back on track right now and not let the madness continue.

Is it next Friday yet?

Tuesday, January 12

I missed the brouhaha!

What the hell? I skip hanging out with my blogger friends for an evening, and all hell breaks lose!

From reading blogs and being blocked from a certain blog, I can piece together most of the puzzle. And it makes me sad. Not because of what happened between the two involved parties, because it sounds like they are fine.

But it makes me sad, because our blogs are supposed to be our safe places, where we can pour out our hearts and souls, share our most intimate thoughts, and do all that without being judged by people who've never walked in our shoes. This is a difficult enough journey without the kind of crap that would cause someone to close their blog.

Leaving anonymous, mean comments is the epitomy of cowardly. And cruel. I don't know what was said, but I don't need to know - regardless of what's said, hiding behind anonymity online is cowardly. If you are reading this, anonymous, grow up.

And for the record, I hope that when I am struggling, when I am slipping, you will all be honest with me. Force me to take a hard look at the choices I am making. I may not like it at the time, but I will like it later. I'm a big kid, and I can handle a little tough love. True growth happens when you stretch yourself, when you force yourself to really examine what you are doing. And that's what I want from this journey - real growth.

Much love to all of you, and to V, I hope you are reading this and know that I hope you continue to share with all of us. You are a valued part of this blogging community, and I want to share this journey with you.

Monday, January 11

As seen on TV

This is quite ironic on the heels of yesterday's post about how cute, skinny, and pretty I am.

Thanks to my job, I am on TV 20 or so times every year. This morning was one of those times. Now, I've lost about 40 lbs and am feeling OK about how I my body looks. Of course, my hair, makeup, cute button nose, clear skin, and everything else looks amazing, as always. (I hope you can all read sarcasm - at least, said with a side of sarcasm.) Sometimes I'll watch the interviews, but often I don't, just because I hate watching myself on TV.

Today's interview went well, though. I was witty, full of information, didn't trip over any facts, and even made the anchors laugh a few times. But O.M.G. did I look F.A.T. Ugh.

First of all, the female anchor was smaller around than my thigh. And she did push-ups between sets! Surely to make sure I knew how tiny and fit she was. Ok, in reality, she's super nice, and I probably shouldn't hold her skinniness against her. But push-ups? At 9 am? At work? Puh-lease.

So, back to my point. I am standing next to this anchor, who's not only being dwarfed by my thigh, but she only comes up to my arm pit. So, I feel like the Jolly Green Giant. Seriously. I was even wearing a green vest to drive the point home. "Hello, I not only sell cookies, I also peddle frozen vegetables."

Second of all, I'm talking cookies. I mean, what else screams F.A.T than cookies? Seriously, how appropriate - the fat girl peddling cookies.

And finally, ugh. My face is still chunky enough that when I smile, my eyes disappear. Hello? Where are you, eyes? And my second chin has firmly taken residence on the first floor and refuses to move.

Normally, this would have sunk me into a bit of depression, but I also know that this time next year (if I still have this job, fingers crossed the stress-less thing is going to come through and I don't), I'll be 100+ lbs lighter than I am now. And that gives me hope. And has kept me from diving head first into a box of cookies.

Sunday, January 10

I am SOOOO cute! And you are, too!

First, I hit 50 followers! WOOHOO! Yes, I am a woohoo girl! I love followers, so thanks for joining me on this journey.

And thanks, Vanessa, for calling me out. I am here - just a lazy weekend.

So, the other day, I was watching an episode of "What to Wear", and this woman was gorgeous. Great hair, great cheekbones, pretty eyes, clear skin. She was very cute. But she thought she was plain and ugly. I was floored.

And then I realized, even at my heaviest, I always thought I was pretty. I never really doubted that. I have great hair, nice skin, pretty eyes, a cute button nose, and a great smile. I know how to wear makeup, and while my clothes are plus-sized, I dress nicely. I've never really doubted if I was cute or not. I make puckery faces at myself in the mirror. I admire perfectly applied makeup. I applaud myself when I have a good hair day.

I often wonder if this led to letting my weight spiral so far out of control. If I hadn't felt good about myself, would I have gotten disgusted sooner? Not that I wasn't disgusted at lower weights, but I think you know what I mean.

Anyhow, the point is I hope you all free pretty whether you are at the beginning of your journey, half way there, or maintaining. Because I think you are all gorgeous!

Friday, January 8

As a follower...

...why does my pic not show up when I follow other people's blogs? HELP!

Send out the search party...

...for my restriction!

I was really hopeful that 6cc would provide something, but I feel not one bit different than I did pre-fill. Not a bit. Bummer, dude.

Now I'm really glad I made that appointment that's in two weeks. I'm seriously starting to white knuckle it. I have NO desire to diet. None. I'm hanging in there, but my will power is slipping away. I am mostly trying to avoid sugar, keep the white carbs on the low end, and focus on getting enough protein. I have to mentally accept that maintaining right now will be a victory.

So I guess it means you should also look for my will power while you are out there.

Enough whining. I know it'll all happen soon enough. I just want it NOW. I'm like that with everything in my life. I have very little patience and am definitely of the instant gratification generation. Hell, I decided I wanted to get banded and had the band within 6 weeks. Yep, instant gratification - that's me.

I wanted to thank you all for the comments on my support group experience. They made me laugh, smile, want to rise up and revolt, drink more coffee, and even get a bit teary-eyed. I will try my surgeon's group, and if that doesn't work, I guess you guys are it. Can you handle the pressure? Oh, maybe someone wants to be my band sponsor? Who's willing to give me their phone number so I can whine to you 24/7? Hello, anyone? Fine. I'll just keep whining here.

In totally unrelated news, DH's dad and his wife came over last night. DH hasn't seen his dad in 17 years. No, that is not a typo. 17 years. It was interesting and went well - we'll be seeing lots of them while they're in town for the next week. Long back story which I'll share someday, I just don't feel like it today, but the short story is DH's parents divorced, FIL acted a fool, DH and his brother cut him out of their lives. Fast-forward 17 years and FIL finds DH via Facebook. It's like a modern fairy tale. They brought the kids TONS of Christmas presents (and a few for us) and since they live near Orlando, everything was Disney. The ironic part is DH and I are so not Disney people. I like the parks, but am not a fan of character clothing or the movies or anything. And now the kids have outfits, sippies, stuffed animals, hats, bags, you name it. DD slept with her Little Mermaid pink chalis-style straw cup last night. I guess we are going to lose this battle.

Thursday, January 7

I got that babbling feeling!

First, a warm welcome to all my new followers! I puffy heart followers! And exclamation points! And comments! So, thanks for taking the time to comment and read. You make me feel all warm and fuzzy, which is good considering the wintery weather headed my way.

Let's see, I am in the mood to babble, so here goes, in no particular order:

-I scheduled my second fill for 1/22, only two weeks from tomorrow. I realize it's a bit aggressive, but there were no appointments for the following week, and I was a bit hesitant to wait four weeks. So, if I need it, I'll go. If not, I'll just cancel. But at least I'm on the books...

-I'm so happy to be on mushies today. I can't remember how I got through four weeks of liquids (pre- and post-op) cuz I was ready to eat my own arm off last night. Goodness, two days, and I was a monster!

-Speaking of, I am eating my first semi-solid food post-fill right now, some soft butterkase (a very soft German cheese.) I am taking small bites and taking it slowly, but so far, no feelings of restriction. Boohoo. But all hope is not lost - it still might happen when I start regular food tomorrow.

-I STILL hate not drinking while eating. Will it ever get better?

-I'd about kill for a Diet Pepsi right now. Will that ever get better?

-The above two questions are really rhetorical, as I know it will, but if you are a veteran and would like to address either of them, I'll happily (ok, maybe grumpily) listen.

-Finally, I went to a support group last night. It was um, interesting, to say the least. Because I had my surgery about an hour away, I wanted to find a local support group. This one is community-based run through a local hospital. At least, that's what their website said. I called and registered and all was good.

So, I show up, decaf skinny latte in hand (my dinner, as I was on liquids), and the room is packed! I was expecting 10-12 people, and there were probably 40 of them! The first 45 min was a physical therapist showing us exercises on an exercise ball. On the one hand, some cool moves. On the other hand, some very basic stuff, and while I know not everyong knows how to exercise, I kind of resent the implication that because I am fat, I do not know how to exercise. Simply not true. I've completed two triathlons and played four varsity sports. I think I get the gist.

But here's where it gets interesting. They were videotaping the group so they could put a clip on their website and show people what the group is like. So they decide that everyone has to go around and introduce themselves and say one thing that the surgery has done for them. About six people in, I realize everyone is saying, "I had my surgery on xx date" - and not specifying what kind. I turn to the girl next to me and ask, "Did you all have gastric bypass?" Long story short, everyone there BUT me had the same surgeon and gastric bypass!

WTF? So, they get to me, I introduce myself and say where I had surgery, when, and that I was banded. The leader says, "I figured you weren't one of ours as you are drinking a coffee." Apparently, bypassers are never allowed to have coffee again. She proceeded to get really snotty about the coffee! OMG. First of all, the website says "Bariatric Surgery Support Group" - it says nothing about what kind. Second of all, just tell me at the door that I can't bring it in. I would have understood, but instead, she calls me out repeatedly in front of the entire group. How is that support? She said about 5 times that I was welcome to come back, but without coffee. OK, I get the message. And you really think I want to come back after that?

THEN after I announced I was banded, the shitstorm of questions starts: Why banding? What can you eat? How much did it cost? Why wasn't it done locally? Aren't the fills a pain? And so on. I felt like I was on trial.

But here's the good news. My weight loss was on par, and sometimes even higher, than the bypassers who were six weeks out. So there! Chew on that with your superior attitudes. OK, I am being mean. Some were supportive and some were generally curious, but some were just down right judgemental. Is that necessary? Aren't we all in the same boat? We just opted for different paddles. But lots of our restrictions are the same, lots of our challenges are the same, and lots of our successes will be the same.

Suffice it to say, I will be finding a new support group. My surgeon does offer a support group, so I might just suck it up and go there - I just wish I could coincide it with a fill. But the group is on Saturdays, and they don't do fills on Saturdays. Whine, whine, whine...

Wednesday, January 6

i am so cool

I am so cool. Got a new droid! Now I can blog from just about anywhere. I feel bad for you guys!

Wonderful Wednesday

I have no idea why that's my title. I'm tired, I have to go out and deliver PR kits in the snow and cold and don't wanna, and I am only on full liquids today.


I am happy today. Just feeling positive. I like this. Could it all be tied together? Losing weight, doing the mental work, putting in the effort to make my life better. I mean, I'm normally a fairly happy person, but I feel lighter, both physically and mentally/emotionally, today.

The scale hasn't moved in two weeks. I am still sitting at 39.8 lbs lost. But that's OK. Now that I am moving a bit more and hopefully have at least a bit of restriction, I expect it to start going down again. Plus, I admit, I had a few naughty meals before my fill (pizza, sushi, and Pad Thai - things I wasn't sure when I'd be able to eat again), so I can't really complain about being the same. However, even without restriction, I didn't over do it. For example, two pieces of pizza was a meal, and a small Pad Thai lasted two meals. That's a HUGE change from the Days of Old Amy.

I have to go deliver these kits (which include lots and lots of cookies - my car is STUFFED with them), but I promise to check in more later. I think I'm addicted to my blogger friends!

Tuesday, January 5

Speeding towards restriction...

My first fill is done! I am so excited, as I have 6 cc in my band now! (I have an AP Large, which holds 14 cc.) I know I won't most likely get restriction from this, but some people do, so I am crossing my fingers and toes (but not my legs because they are still too chubby).

The experience itself wasn't a bit painful, except for the hour long wait in the waiting room with some of Detroit's finest. Sorry to be so blunt, but man, it was STINKY. Ugh.

The funny part is I was so anxious to get my fill and get an aggressive one, and then when it was over, I was scared to death to drink water. How pathetic is that? Once the MA convinced me I'd be fine, it went down without a hitch.

I'm on clear liquids today, thickened liquids tomorrow, mushies Thursday, and back to normal food as tolerated on Friday. Too bad I am S-T-A-R-V-I-N-G already. This sucks. But I will survive.

I feel like a bonified bandster now. Where's my "cool kid club" card?

Anyhow, the program coordinator was thrilled with my progress. According to their scales, I've lost 31 lbs. My scale is much closer to 40 lbs, which kinda annoyed me, but hey, whatever.

The other thing is that now they weigh on this fancy Tanita scale which prints out this whole little report for you. Here's today's report:

Height: 5'10"
Weight: 340.5 lbs
BMI: 48.9
BMR (base metabolic rate): 2308 calories
Fat %: 54.5%
Fat Mass: 185.5 lbs (holy crap, that's a lot of fat)
Fat-Free Mass: 155.0 lbs
Total Body Water: 113.5 lbs
Target Body Fat %: 27%
Predicted Weight: 212 lbs
Predicted Fat Mass: 57 lbs
Fat to Lose: 128.5 lbs (holy crap, that's a lot to lose)

So, of course, I get hung up on the 212 lbs as my predicted weight. Uh-uh. No way. I am NOT stopping at 212 lbs. I realize this is over 100 lbs away, but it already feels like a challenge to me. Realistically, 212 lbs is probably a size 16 for me, but I just don't want to have my weight start with a 2. But I think I should focus on getting out of the 3s before I worry about it too much, right?

Anyhow, so what was the point of this post? Oh yes - 6 cc fill and 188 lbs of fat on my body. Here's to hoping for restriction!

Sunday, January 3

My 2010 Motto is...

I know everyone is picking one word, but I just couldn't come up with one word. I'm gonna rebel (totally not me!) and instead, pick a motto. So, my 2010 motto is


Less stuff, less debt, less weight, less stress, less waste.

Less Stuff
I hate clutter. And we don't have much clutter, especially since 2009 was the Year of the Family for us (I dubbed it that) and I got rid of tons of clutter. But with the kids' toys and my photography stuff, it's getting to be a bit much. I am ready to get down to basics and get rid of everything but the bare necessities.

Less Debt
We did a great job in 2009 of paying off debt. We're down to a personal family loan and DH's school loan. They're both pretty large, so we won't be able to pay them off in 2010, but I intend to make a good dent in them while also saving a nice chunk of change.

Less Weight
I started 2010 at 335ish. I will be under 250 (hopefully by quite a bit!) by the first day of 2011.

Less Stress
DH and I have some big changes heading our way, and if all goes well, a HUGE part of our stress is about to be alleviated. For fear of jinxing ourselves, I won't go into detail yet, but I will soon.

Less Waste
I really want to make this year about wasting less which will help with the less stuff and less debt parts of my motto. No wasted food, no wasted money, no buying unnecessary stuff, no impulse shopping (grocery or otherwise). We are also going to work on being greener - fewer one-use items and so on.

So, there you have it. My 2010 motto. I'm pretty excited about 2010 - I am looking forward to living a much simpler life.