Good news, bad news, good news...

I know, I'm a terrible blogger these days. I'm sorry.

So, things have been really crazy at home, and DH and I haven't even really had a chance to talk about things other than housework, child care, etc. Things are perhaps a bit better, and certainly not worse. I guess they are more in a holding pattern than anything.

Ready for some other updates?

GOOD NEWS: There are some changes brewing in our lives (yes, again) that are HUGE. HUGE HUGE HUGE. Really good changes. Please keep me in your thoughts as they will or won't pan out over the next few days. Fingers are so tightly crossed, I can barely type.

BAD NEWS: I have been sick since the day after Christmas. It all started with a really bad cough that was the worst at night. I barely slept for a few days, so I finally went to the doctor and got some meds. In the mean time, with all the coughing, mucus, and non-sleeping, I just couldn't eat. I was nauseous all the time and just generally not interested in food.

The cough was so bad that I vomited several times during that first week. Then the coughing/vomiting morphed into a really bad case of reflux at night. I would wake up choking on stomach acid. I couldn't even sleep with five pillows under my head. I finally ended up in the ER, because any time I attempted to eat or drink, I would get severe lower back pains. Like worse than labor or kidney stone pains. And I had unrelenting nausea. Bloodwork, rectal exam (so fun), CT scan, and urinalysis later, it was determined that I was just severely dehydrated and malnourished. Their solution was to send me home with instructions to eat and drink. Ha, eating or drinking caused pain. I no likey pain. So I no eatey or drinky.

Obviously, that's no way to live, so I made yet another appointment with my MD. Now, if you are smarter than me, or perhaps an MD, you've probably already suspected a band issue. I did not. Partly because the ER's CT scan said my "gastric band is in place." Partly because I didn't want it to be true. Partly because I would never connect lower back pain with a band in my upper front.

A few phone calls to a bariatric surgeon and an x-ray later, it was determined my band has slipped.

Sigh.

Unfortunately, now it's Friday at 4 pm, so my options are to be admitted to the hospital for the weekend or to tough it out at home. I opted to go home. Between Friday at 4 pm and my appointment with my new bariatric surgeon on Monday at 11 am, I ate nothing and drank less than 4 ounces. Again, me no likey pain.

The surgeon took one look at my x-ray and unfilled me completely. I had almost immediate relief. I've been able to eat and drink. I have an upper GI tomorrow, and another visit with him later this week. He's very hopeful it'll go back, but of course, I'm still nervous, especially since I am self-pay. It's one thing to pay to get a band, it's an entirely other to pay to take it out. That would suck. But he said he's fairly confident it'll go back to where it should be.

Thankfully, Angela kept me grounded and didn't let me jump off the ledge, even though I was about to!

I'll take any good vibes you have and keep you posted.

GOOD NEWS: I lost a bunch of weight, thanks to not eating. And even with eating and drinking yesterday, the scale was down again this morning. 176.2 lbs! HOLY CRAP!!!! I am within 4 lbs of my goal weight. AMAZING. I am in disbelief. I have lost 198.2 lbs, if I am doing the math right.

And there it is...

I never thought it would be me, but lo and behold, my husband is blaming my surgery and subsequent weight loss for my 'attitude problem.'

Le sigh.

Le sigh.

Le sigh.

I admit, we are having some rocky moments (ok, hours and/or days) lately. And maybe my attitude has changed - I don't want to sit around anymore, I want to get stuff done, I want to be active. I am bored watching tv. I'm bored with naps. So yes, my attitude has changed. But what am I supposed to do?

I want more out of life. I am no longer content to watch it pass before me. I go-go-go now, and it is physically painful for me to not go-go-go. I ran 2.5 miles this morning, watched my friends kids, took the kids to DD's ballet class, went grocery shopping, ordered three photo sessions worth of photos, cleaned two bathrooms, did a few loads of laundry, made dinner, cleaned up, and did a few other random things. And I am not exhausted.

So, what is fair? I don't expect him to have the energy I have now, but by the same token, I don't want to sit around. We are having a hard time finding the balance between what I want and what he wants.

I'm not really looking for answers (although if you have some, toss them my way). I'm more just throwing it out to the universe, hoping some solutions will come to me. We're going to try counseling; we need someone to help us navigate this new part of our relationship. We love each other deeply, but I'm not the same person he married, and I don't want to be that person again. We need to figure out how to allow me to be the new me while still being the person he married. And we also need to figure out how I balance my new interests with what his interests continue to be.

I never in a million years thought we'd be the ones in this position. He supports and appreciates my weight loss. But he's not sure how to manage this new person! And honestly, I am not sure I know how to either. We'll figure it out, though, together. At least, I hope...

On other random notes:

• I ran my fastest mile yet this morning - 12:15. GO ME!
• I tried on a ring-sizer. My wedding ring is a 8.25. My new size is 6. Um, yeah, that's why I can't wear it without fear of losing it!
• Running is finally paying off after 8 weeks. I am toning up like crazy. Pants that fit two weeks ago are getting loose. I LOVE IT!
• I'm thinner now than when I started college. Craziness!

So incredibly thankful on my two-year bandiversary

How could I not be thankful? I look 100x better, I feel 100x better, and I'm exactly 190 lbs lighter!

This has been an incredible journey full of lots of successes and my share of frustrations, but I think I'm most excited about the emotional and mental journey that's accompanied the weight loss. I really am a different person  inside my head and not just on the outside of my body.

I can think more clearly about emotional issues now that I am not weighed down by my weight. I don't react nearly as emotionally - nor immaturely - to negative situations. I am much better at seeing people for who they are, and how they treat me, now that I don't have to wonder if my weight is the reason I am being treated poorly. I am much more able to let things go now instead of holding resentments and grudges. I am getting much better at truly living "Live and let live" because I no longer feel the need to control everyone around me due to the lack of control with my weight. I feel my feelings because they are not buried beneath a ton of weight or being pushed down by endless amounts of food.

Add in all the obvious physical changes, and I gotta say, it's pretty cool to be me now!

For those just starting out, or perhaps struggling a bit, I just encourage you to stick with it. I started out extremely slow, gained weight after surgery, took 6 fills to get restriction, hit a six-month plateau, and had so many other challenges, but here I am, two years later, 190 lbs lighter.

And of course, this post wouldn't be complete without some PHOTOS!

Two headshots superimposed - look how much narrower my shoulders are now!

Suffering from Fat Girl Fear Syndrome

Seriously, I do still suffer from Fat Girl Fear Syndrome AKA FGFS. You know, the fear of sitting on a fragile looking chair, like a plastic deck chair. Or fitting on a carnival ride. Or the seat belt fitting when flying. Or being the largest person in the room. All those things you fear when you are as heavy as I was and don't want to draw attention to yourself or embarrass yourself.

I really thought I'd outgrow FGFS, but I haven't in a lot of ways. I still think twice about sitting on things. We had a town festival last weekend, and I was afraid to get on one of the rides with my kids.

It is just so strange how the mind works, because in other ways, I forget I was ever as heavy as I was. I plop down on the floor with my kids without a second thought. I tie my shoes without having to take a breath first. I run upstairs to grab somethning without having to work up the energy for 10 min first. Hmmm, maybe it's the day-to-day things that are easier to do without FGFS, which would totally make sense.

I wonder when I will get over FGFS. I don't want to have those fears any more, not even for a fleeting moment. Not that I will ever forget where I came from, nor will I ever not be sympathetic to the girl who is standing in the corner hoping no one notices her, but I want to fully appreciate this body and the life that I get to live in it.

I'm working on it. As much as this journey has seemed long, it's not even been two years yet, and really, it's only been about 3 months since I've been "normal" in terms of weight and BMI, so I can see why my mind isn't there yet.

Oh well, off to do something I no longer fear - RUNNING! Holy hell, I am loving it! Just don't tell Angela or she'll be signing me up for the Princess Half!

It's happening to me, too.

I remember reading some blogs about people who were much further along in the band process than I was, and I would read their blogs and I would honestly think to myself, "Yep, she's full of shit. Totally lying."

And now, yep, it's happening to me, too. And I swear, I'm not full of shit!

I have NO idea what size I really am. I am not really content with my body where it's at. And I feel like I am in the twilight zone.

Now, let me preface this by saying that I AM happy where I am. I mean, I'd be a fool not to be happy at having lost 180 lbs. And you know, I do wear my floppy, saggy, baggy, elephant skin with a bit of pride.

However, there is that part of my brain that has been damaged by being fat for so long that is just not on board with the rest of my brain.

Problemo Numero Uno: I don't know what size I am.

I am not really in plus sizes any more. I am pretty solidly in size 16 on the bottom (some 18s) and L or XL on top. However, regular 16s are cut so differently than 16W. And I have a nice saggy belly now that regular 16s don't always accommodate. Some do. Some don't. I'm not used to that. Pants have always been too big in my waist to make up for my thunder thighs and booty. AND my boobs are shrinking. I'm not really complaining, but I do kinda miss the girls sometimes. I'm still filling out my DDDs, so I must have been much bigger than that previously. I look around, and I see other women's bodies, and I wonder if I look like them. I really have no concept of what I look like. I should take some pics I do realize. Sometimes I feel like I still have sooooo far to go. And other days, I feel like I am almost there. And that kind of leads to my second point...

Problemo Numero Zwei: I am not really content with my body.

I am saggy. Very, very saggy. Part of it is my fault for not working out as much as I should have. But a large part of it is just due to being so heavy for so long. In a sick twisted way, I sometimes miss my round, full belly. It may have been big, but it was soft in a Renaissance painting kind of way. Is that totally twisted? Now my belly looks like it has cross hatch marks on it. Don't believe me? Ask Stephanie - I showed her. And she didn't disagree. You know when someone kind of nods along with you that it's as bad as you think. Because it is. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad she didn't lie to me - Stephanie wouldn't! - but it confirms that it's not the most attractive look in the whole world.

And my thighs. They're horrific. If I have enough wine some night, I'll take pics and post. It's as bad as you can possibly imagine.

Sooooo....

I have 3 lbs to lose until my first goal (190 lbs), 13 lbs to my second goal (180 lbs) and 20 lbs to my aspirational goal (173 lbs and a BMI of 24.9). I can't even begin to imagine 3 or 13 or 20 lbs is going to solve these issues. Because they aren't. These issues are mainly in my head and in my inability to redefine myself as a "thin" or at least "thinner" person.

I think part of it is I see myself now as I thought I looked at 374 lbs. Does that make any sense?

It is just going to take time. And acceptance. The bottom line is I am NORMAL now. I wear a 16. Not generous 16s like I tell myself. Not select 16s like I sometimes tell myself. The other bottom line is I did a lot of permanent damage to my body. I am never going to have a bikini body.  But you know what? Bikini bodies are a dime a dozen. Bodies that have the history of significant weight loss are not. And I am going to strut this for-real-16-with-lots-of-saggy-skin body with pride, and that small part of my brain that is totally fucked up? It's just going to have to get over itself!

One last thing, I have shared my blog with a real-life friend for the first time. HI, D! She's in the process of going through her lap-band classes and hopes to have her surgery before the end of the year. How about a few shout-outs to her to start a blog?! Work your magic, BOOBS!

Some of my favorite things...

....start with S!

STEPHANIE

We spent the day together yesterday shopping and chatting. Seriously, we were tripping all over each other to talk. Now, this is not the first time we've been together, and so we'd already chatted. But honestly, I think yesterday we both realized how much we have in common - and that we are kindred spirits. At least I think so!

SHOPPING

We hit Florida Mall and did some damage. I introduced her to the joys of MAC makeup. She introduced me to the loveliness that is The Limited tops. I did refrain from spending any money there, but I just have to say I almost bought a M top! M! M! M! I did end up with a pair of $9 capris from Macy's and a really cute $7 skirt from Dillard's. Did I mention the skirt is a 14? Um, yeah, Stephanie may have had to help me zip it, but it fits, dammit!

Oh, and if you visit Stephanie's blog, will you please remind her I was RIGHT and she needs M tops? Thank you! (wink, wink - that girl is tiny and kept grabbing L tops. I set her right, for the most part!)

SUSHI

We then hit our favorite restaurant, Roy's. If you have never been, you should go. Now. We split three apps. I have to say, we both saw the food arrive, and since we were both hungry, we admitted that we didn't think it would be enough. 20 min later, she was packing up half of it to take home to her husband. Yes, old habits die hard. But we laughed and talked and ate and drank, and Stephanie flirted with the guy next to her. It was so much fun!

SKINNY GIRLS

Between the two of us, we have lost more than 300 lbs! Isn't that insane?! 300 lbs! Thank you, lapband, for making us skinny. And friends.

Approaching the motherland (with pics!)

I hear the motherland calling...I weighed 201.4 lbs this morning! I cannot believe I am almost below 200. I want to find a scale where you have to slide the little thingie over to where you think you might fall. You know the ones I am talking about, right? The ones fat girls dread, because the little slider has to go further and further to the right. Yeah, well, I want to weigh on one of those, so I can keep that sucker at 150 instead of 350!

We went to the Jersey Shore for my cousin's wedding this weekend. It was tons of fun - boardwalk, beach, wedding, food, family, friends, fun. I got to see the Jersey Shore house! It was the highlight of my weekend. Actually, the highlight of my weekend was feeling normal. Although my family is workout nuts (one cousin has done two ironmans, aunt and uncle run marathons, other cousin is a physical therapist, other cousin runs marathons around the world - literally), I still didn't feel overly conscious of myself. It was wonderful!

A few pics of our weekend...

Oh yeah, who's OVERWEIGHT?!?!?!?!

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!!

That's right - as of this morning, I am no longer obese! I am officially 'only' overweight!

I started with a BMI of 53 or 54 and am now at 29.9.

I wore a pair of pants from the one and only Lynda yesterday. Size 14. No W. Yes, they are generous, but a 14 nonetheless. And a size L top from the one and only Jacquie.

I looked damn good.

And I feel even better!

We are flying next week, and I have literally NO stress about it. I packed a box of stuff for us, and I packed a size 16 dress, an XL dress, a size 16 skirt, and a pair of size 16 capris. Who's clothes are these?

My band is being a bit fickle the past two days - probably means TMI is on its way - but honestly, I don't even care. It's sooooooo worth it!

I feel like a teenager

I cannot shave without cutting myself anymore. First I thought I had a dull blade. Then I thought maybe it was the new water. Or I was reverting in my skills. Or I was going blind.

Then I realized my skin is so damn droopy around my knees and in my arm pits that I can't really help but cut myself when I shave. Seriously, my armpits are AWFUL, as is the skin around my knees. We won't even talk about my belly or upper thighs, but thankfully, I don't have to shave those areas (yes, I am one of those girls who does not shave her thighs - partly lazy, partly thanks to the very fine, blonde hairs from my Danish heritage).

I have to pull the skin taut with one hand while skillfully maneuvering the razor with the other. It takes two steady hands and lots of shaving cream. Do you think the au natural look is going to come back any time soon? I'd be the first one on that trend!

Remember me?

Hey! I am back!!!!!

We're moved in. Totally not unpacked. Still exhausted. But happy as can be.

All is good on the band-front. I am in a really good place - I can eat most things, but not much of them. I am really, really happy with it. I do have a bit of heartburn, but I take a daily Zantac, which completely controls it. I have learned that I cannot eat within about two hours of bedtime, or I pay for it. But other than that, I am LOVING it right now. Rarely hungry, can eat what I want, and I am still losing.

Yep, I'm down to 212.8 lbs. That's 160+ lbs lost! Less than 5 lbs until I am no longer obese. YEAH BABY!!!!

Off to see what you guys have been up to. Smooches!

SOLD!

We did it! We found a house! It's kind of a convoluted story, but we ended up going back to the very first area we'd considered, and we found our dream house. The sacrifice we made is it's not centrally-located, but because I am now working from home, my commute was a non-issue. What we gained was size, new construction (!!!), and the most wonderful community ever.

It's a planned community that is based around green living and coexisting with nature. The community has two geo-thermal pools, a golf course, horse stables, about 40 miles of walking/running/hiking trails, playgrounds, a splash pad, a conservation center with animals, "A" rated schools (which is a huge deal in FL where the schools mainly suck), a lake with boats you can use for free (!!!), and so much more. They are even a dark sky community.

Our house is green star-rated, meaning it has met federal standards for energy efficiency, and is supposed to be at least 30% more energy efficient than other comparable houses. Four bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, and a bonus room (so happy we have a toy room!). I think my favorite two things about the house are the second-floor laundry and that the garage is behind the house. I hate when garages dominate the front of a house.

To say I am in love would be an understatement!

SOLD! Happy Homeowners!

Side view - notice the balcony! 

Living room/dining room - the family room is on the other side of the kitchen.

Elise looking at her future school - yep, it's that close. And the third community pool is slated for the area by the stop sign.

Kitchen - can't wait to cook in there!

Master bath

We're hoping to close on 7/21 and be in by 7/23, so I will probably be scarce the next few weeks as we get ready to move. But I promise to keep on keepin' on and to check in when I can!

Who's a Bad A$$?

Me, that's who!

You know why?

I've lost 150 mother fuckin' lbs!

150.

ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS!

That's 1 x 150.

Or 10 x 15.

Or 6 x 25.

Or 3 x 50.

Or 2 x 75.

No matter how you do the math, I have lost 150 lbs!

I think even more incredible to me is I only have 34 lbs left until my first goal. That's how much "normal" people need to lose. 34 lbs ain't shit!

In other news, I got the job! YEAH! The house hunt isn't going quite as well. Whoever said this is a buyer's market lied. We made an offer on one house that had been on the market for 3 days, and we had major competition. We still haven't heard, which I guess means it's not ours. We're heading out again tonight, because we have to be out of our rental in 24 days. To say I am stressed would be a bit of an understatement. Ha!

You ask, you shall receive...

Introducing me with my new hair!

The thing I like about the cut is I can flip it out, smooth it down, fluff it up, wear it to the side, wear it more forward, and about a million other ways. It's fun!

Word 2.0.

So, what's been going on with me?

• I chopped my hair off ala Sienna Miller's short style. It's not quite what I was requesting, but I still LOVE it. Five minutes, and I'm styled and good to go all day. Plus, I think it makes my face look even thinner - sweet bonus!
• DH & I are most likely making an offer on a house this week. It's super cute, in a great school district, and centrally located. I'm excited - keep those fingers crossed that it goes through for us!
• I have been back to the gym for about 10 days now. I am LOVING it. For the first time, I feel like I'm working out just for my mental and physical health. Not to lose weight, not to train for some event, not because I have to. Just because I want to. And the break from the kids is nice too!
• I have barely any appetite lately. My band got SUPER tight again, but I rode it out and now I'm at a really good place. I was getting some weird upper back pain when I ate something "too" solid, but I haven't PB'ed in months, and the pain finally went away. (Has anyone else ever had this?!). I am loving this no-appetite thing, and the only reason I remember to eat is because I get a headache and/or cranky when I'm too hungry. HA!
• On the job front, DH & I sat down and discussed me working FT vs. PT. Our lives would be so chaotic and crazy if I went back to work with the hours he's been working (12 hrs/day, 6 days/week), but we need me to work (financially and for my sanity). A friend recommended me to do what she does (search engine evaluation for Google), and I am just waiting on my test results to find out if I got the job. It pays really well for a work-from-home job, and it's really flexible (work as many or as few hours per week as you want), so again, please keep those fingers crossed. I really, really want it!
• Guess that's about it!

Word.

I'm still losing! I know, usually when I disappear, I'm gaining. But this time, I've actually been eating right, going to the gym, cutting off my hair, working on getting an work-from-home-job (yeah!), making an offer on a house (!!!), and generally trying to keep my life moving in the right direction.

I am down 144 lbs to 230.4 lbs! I am loving it. I wore a size 16 jean skirt from Old Navy today (given to me by Heidi). A SIZE 16!!!!!! My 20s are getting too big, although I don't really have any 18Ws (hint, hint - anyone need to clean out their closet and contribute to the sisterhood? Shorts, skirts, dresses, capris?)

I'll write more tomorrow. Promise promise! Smooches!

541 days ago, I took my life back.

18 months + 1 day ago, I was banded. I could go on and on about how it was one of the best decisions I've ever made, but you know what? We all know that. How about I let the numbers and pictures speak for themselves?

133 lbs lost

111.75" lost

20 BMI points lost

Body shot comparisons - click on the pic for full-size version

 Facial Comparison - again, click for full-size.

 And my fav!

the above shots super-imposed, so you can see how much narrower my shoulders are!

Bullet time

• Life is going at warp speed. I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since I posted. I swear, I thought it was about 3 days!
• I have two very promising job interviews coming up. Please send any good job vibes you have my way!
• It's been more than a year since my last fill! Seriously! My last fill was Cinco de Mayo 2010. If you are having a hard time finding restriction, do not despair. It took me FOREVER to get it and then once I got it, it's been awesome. Although I keep losing, and my band keeps getting tighter. Grrr...
• Still mostly on the low-carb bandwagon. I have had some carbs here and there, as my tight band makes eating low-carb difficult sometimes.
• I am down to 245 lbs! My collarbones are popping out, and my face actually looks kind of thin to me.
• A friend posted some pics of me on Facebook, and for the first time ever, I wasn't disgusted. I looked normal.
• I might wear a size 18W suit to my interview! I wore it my first day at my first real job in 2000. And it fits. It has NO give (it's a linen blend). And it fits. It fits. It FITS. IT FITS!
• I got to spend the day with Heidi a few weeks ago. I can't even tell you guys how awesome she is. AWE to the SOME. Seriously.
• I promise to do some progress pics this week.
• I guess that's about it. Off to catch up with my lovely bandster bloggers!

I felt normal.

I think writing this post is going to make me cry. Oops, here come the tears. Today was the first time I realized that I am a totally normal weight by US standards. I realize I am still fat by 'normal' standards, but it's not the type of fat that prohibits me from doing what I want to do.

I took my kids to a waterpark today with 3 other moms and their kids. They have only known me since I moved to FL, so they've known me since about 290 lbs (I'm now 249 lbs). Which is heavy, but not 374 lbs heavy. Anyhow, we walked up millions of steps, I carried a kid on my shoulders with another on my hip, I crawled through water tunnels, I went down water slides, I swam and ran and chased kids and walked around in my bathing suit for four hours without ever once thinking about it. I didn't dread the steps, I didn't dread the tunnels, I wasn't afraid of weight limits on anything. It was worth every second of this journey. My kids had so much fun, and so did I!

It wasn't until I got home that I realized I had no problem keeping up with the other moms. Not to mention, they are all younger than me, each only had one toddler to chase, and we stayed about an hour longer than any of them! I rocked that waterpark!

The only bummer is my legs look A-to-the-W-to-the-FUL. Seriously. My thighs were horrible when I was really heavy - tons of cellulite and super lumpy/bumpy. Now they are still full of cellulite and lumps, but they also have saggy skin and look a bit like a melted candle collided with elephant skin. Not attractive. At all. Absolutely my worst body part. I almost wanted to make a sign for my back that said, "Don't mind the legs, I've lost 125 lbs!"

In other news, I lost 1.6 lbs this week for a total of 14.4 lbs (I think) in 3 weeks of low carb. DH lost a lb (hahahahaha) for a total of 21 lbs in 3 weeks. He was whining (hahahahaha again) about only losing one pound.

I finished day 9 of shredding today. I soooo did not want to do it last night, but I did and am glad I did. Tomorrow is the last day of level 1! WOOHOO!

The pizza turned out pretty good. I'll type out the recipe tomorrow. We had Chinese chicken lettuce wraps last night and taco salads tonight. Can't say I'm bored with the low carb choices with everything we've eaten. I think I'm going to make crab cakes for tomorrow. Or shrimp scampi. YUM!

OK, off to read my book. I've got four going, but "The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks" really is good and I'm anxious to read more. Toodles!

I don't even expect anyone to respond.

Have you ever put something off and the longer you put it off, the harder it becomes to do? That's how I felt about writing this post. I don't know why. I mean, we're all friends here. I don't have to post daily or weekly, if I don't want to. But I DO want to. But then I start feeling like everyone's stayed in touch except for me, and that I'm a big loser who no one cares if I write or not, and then I let those feelings feed off each other until it's been six weeks since I've EVEN LOGGED IN, because I get all weird about it.

So, there you have it. I am weird. And I let my weirdness feed on itself until I've weirded myself out about doing something that's totally no big deal. UGH. I should probably get some therapy, huh?

Since I last wrote:

• I got to meet Angela. Holy cannoli, she is the sweetest, the cutest, the most motivating. She is simply awesome.
• I completed a half-marathon, in no small part thanks to Angela, who gave me the motivation to finish. It was hell, I was exhausted, but I did it. 
• I was in my BFF's wedding in California. It was absolutely beautiful, and it was so much fun to wear a size 18 dress. And I hired Joey to design their wedding gift, which turned out better than I could have ever dreamed!
• I've intereviewed with FIVE companies and have a sixth scheduled for Thursday.
• I had one job offer I turned down. It was with D*isney. The pay was PATHETIC. Pitiful really. Half of what I made at my last job, and my last job was a small non-profit in one of the most economically disadvantaged cities in the entire country.
• I had to turn down an invitation to join the lovely BOOBS in Chicago, once again. I have already had two girls' only trips this year and am planning another to go see a dear friend who's pregnant when she has her baby next month (ironically in Chicago). I think DH would leave me if I asked for a fourth girls' only trip this year.
• I'm back down to my lowest weight. And think I'm finally ready to enter uncharted territory.
• I realized I've not had a fill in nearly 11 months! Crazy!
• I've been super busy with photography and finally have paying customers!

So, there you have it...I may or may not post again before May, you know, with my recent track record and all...but I plan to!

THANK YOU!

I knew posting here would help. Thanks for the supportive comments, the emails, the phone calls...I especially took to heart those of you who said I had inspired you. I felt (feel?) so lost that I forget that other people don't see me that way. Thank you!

I got to hang out with Heidi yesterday, and let me tell you, that woman is good for the soul.

I chatted with Angela Friday night, and we decided to do a hard-core protein shake/lean protein/steamed veggie "get serious" plan for two weeks. Protein shakes during the day, and lean protein+steamed veggies for dinner. I want to kick start my weight loss, as does she. We're starting tomorrow - anyone else???

I started Zoloft again. I was afraid of the side effects, specifically gaining weight, but it's not like I'm losing without it, so why not give it a real shot? So I am.

And just to clarify a few things, just so you guys don't think I'm a slacker. I live in a vacation home community. Out of the 400 or so houses in our neighborhood, I know of two others that are occupied annually (by old folks, nonetheless). And actually, the one couple has theirs up for sale. Anyhow, the rest of the houses, and I am not exaggerating, are vacation rentals. (Ours was as well until we rented it.) I have no neighbors. Obviously, a bad idea in hingsight, but we're only here until June, so we'll see where we go once our lease is up.

On the subject of babysitters, I'd LOVE to hire someone to watch the kids even once/week. So far, though, everyone I've contacted is $10-12/hour. Without me working, that's something we just can't afford. I am doing a babysitting swap with some of the moms in my moms' group, but that comes with a price of course - having to watch someone else's kids!

I'm not giving up. I just have to remember where I came from:

And where I am now:

The only obstacle between me and success is me.