So incredibly thankful on my two-year bandiversary

How could I not be thankful? I look 100x better, I feel 100x better, and I'm exactly 190 lbs lighter!

This has been an incredible journey full of lots of successes and my share of frustrations, but I think I'm most excited about the emotional and mental journey that's accompanied the weight loss. I really am a different person  inside my head and not just on the outside of my body.

I can think more clearly about emotional issues now that I am not weighed down by my weight. I don't react nearly as emotionally - nor immaturely - to negative situations. I am much better at seeing people for who they are, and how they treat me, now that I don't have to wonder if my weight is the reason I am being treated poorly. I am much more able to let things go now instead of holding resentments and grudges. I am getting much better at truly living "Live and let live" because I no longer feel the need to control everyone around me due to the lack of control with my weight. I feel my feelings because they are not buried beneath a ton of weight or being pushed down by endless amounts of food.

Add in all the obvious physical changes, and I gotta say, it's pretty cool to be me now!

For those just starting out, or perhaps struggling a bit, I just encourage you to stick with it. I started out extremely slow, gained weight after surgery, took 6 fills to get restriction, hit a six-month plateau, and had so many other challenges, but here I am, two years later, 190 lbs lighter.

And of course, this post wouldn't be complete without some PHOTOS!

Two headshots superimposed - look how much narrower my shoulders are now!

It's happening to me, too.

I remember reading some blogs about people who were much further along in the band process than I was, and I would read their blogs and I would honestly think to myself, "Yep, she's full of shit. Totally lying."

And now, yep, it's happening to me, too. And I swear, I'm not full of shit!

I have NO idea what size I really am. I am not really content with my body where it's at. And I feel like I am in the twilight zone.

Now, let me preface this by saying that I AM happy where I am. I mean, I'd be a fool not to be happy at having lost 180 lbs. And you know, I do wear my floppy, saggy, baggy, elephant skin with a bit of pride.

However, there is that part of my brain that has been damaged by being fat for so long that is just not on board with the rest of my brain.

Problemo Numero Uno: I don't know what size I am.

I am not really in plus sizes any more. I am pretty solidly in size 16 on the bottom (some 18s) and L or XL on top. However, regular 16s are cut so differently than 16W. And I have a nice saggy belly now that regular 16s don't always accommodate. Some do. Some don't. I'm not used to that. Pants have always been too big in my waist to make up for my thunder thighs and booty. AND my boobs are shrinking. I'm not really complaining, but I do kinda miss the girls sometimes. I'm still filling out my DDDs, so I must have been much bigger than that previously. I look around, and I see other women's bodies, and I wonder if I look like them. I really have no concept of what I look like. I should take some pics I do realize. Sometimes I feel like I still have sooooo far to go. And other days, I feel like I am almost there. And that kind of leads to my second point...

Problemo Numero Zwei: I am not really content with my body.

I am saggy. Very, very saggy. Part of it is my fault for not working out as much as I should have. But a large part of it is just due to being so heavy for so long. In a sick twisted way, I sometimes miss my round, full belly. It may have been big, but it was soft in a Renaissance painting kind of way. Is that totally twisted? Now my belly looks like it has cross hatch marks on it. Don't believe me? Ask Stephanie - I showed her. And she didn't disagree. You know when someone kind of nods along with you that it's as bad as you think. Because it is. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad she didn't lie to me - Stephanie wouldn't! - but it confirms that it's not the most attractive look in the whole world.

And my thighs. They're horrific. If I have enough wine some night, I'll take pics and post. It's as bad as you can possibly imagine.

Sooooo....

I have 3 lbs to lose until my first goal (190 lbs), 13 lbs to my second goal (180 lbs) and 20 lbs to my aspirational goal (173 lbs and a BMI of 24.9). I can't even begin to imagine 3 or 13 or 20 lbs is going to solve these issues. Because they aren't. These issues are mainly in my head and in my inability to redefine myself as a "thin" or at least "thinner" person.

I think part of it is I see myself now as I thought I looked at 374 lbs. Does that make any sense?

It is just going to take time. And acceptance. The bottom line is I am NORMAL now. I wear a 16. Not generous 16s like I tell myself. Not select 16s like I sometimes tell myself. The other bottom line is I did a lot of permanent damage to my body. I am never going to have a bikini body.  But you know what? Bikini bodies are a dime a dozen. Bodies that have the history of significant weight loss are not. And I am going to strut this for-real-16-with-lots-of-saggy-skin body with pride, and that small part of my brain that is totally fucked up? It's just going to have to get over itself!

One last thing, I have shared my blog with a real-life friend for the first time. HI, D! She's in the process of going through her lap-band classes and hopes to have her surgery before the end of the year. How about a few shout-outs to her to start a blog?! Work your magic, BOOBS!

Oh yeah, who's OVERWEIGHT?!?!?!?!

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!!

That's right - as of this morning, I am no longer obese! I am officially 'only' overweight!

I started with a BMI of 53 or 54 and am now at 29.9.

I wore a pair of pants from the one and only Lynda yesterday. Size 14. No W. Yes, they are generous, but a 14 nonetheless. And a size L top from the one and only Jacquie.

I looked damn good.

And I feel even better!

We are flying next week, and I have literally NO stress about it. I packed a box of stuff for us, and I packed a size 16 dress, an XL dress, a size 16 skirt, and a pair of size 16 capris. Who's clothes are these?

My band is being a bit fickle the past two days - probably means TMI is on its way - but honestly, I don't even care. It's sooooooo worth it!

541 days ago, I took my life back.

18 months + 1 day ago, I was banded. I could go on and on about how it was one of the best decisions I've ever made, but you know what? We all know that. How about I let the numbers and pictures speak for themselves?

133 lbs lost

111.75" lost

20 BMI points lost

Body shot comparisons - click on the pic for full-size version

 Facial Comparison - again, click for full-size.

 And my fav!

the above shots super-imposed, so you can see how much narrower my shoulders are!

Need a lighter

I need someone to light my fire. I am just kinda coasting along. I'm not gaining, which is HUGE, but I'm not losing either. And I still have 70ish lbs to lose.

I am hoping some time with my fellow bandsters this weekend will help. As will the half-marathon that's in less than two months. As will the new year.

I'm putting together a list of 111 things I want to accomplish in 2011. Some are small (make my bed daily), some are big (find my dream job), and some are in-between (read 13 classics). The one that is most important to me, however, is hitting my goal weight. I CAN do it. I just need to find that fire again.

Coasting was fine. I really am okay with it. But the time for coasting is over. I'm going back to work sooner than later. I had a couple of months to enjoy not being hyper-vigilant. But the time has come for me to get back on the horse and ride it to the finish line.

What really motivated me was watching "I Used To Be Fat" on MTV last night. Gabrielle was 17 and had 111 days before heading off for college. She lost 90 lbs in those 111 days with lots of hard work. She was also finishing up high school and working. I can certainly lose 50 lbs in 111 days if all I have to do is take care of two kids, right? She looked AMAZING.

So, come on, ladies, LIGHT MY FIRE!

ETA: I decided it was unethical to write this post and not DO something, so I just returned from a 2 mile jog while pushing the kiddos in the stroller. Trying to get that bonfire going, Sandy Lee!

A day late, but not a dollar short - A year in review

Hope you'll all forgive me for missing my bandiversary yesterday. With it falling on Thanksgiving, you know, I was busy stuffing my face full of food. Oh wait, I wasn't supposed to admit that? Ha!

So, what is there to say about this past year that I haven't already said? Not much. I feel like I've shared nearly every thought and experience I've had with my band over the last year with you guys. It's certainly been a roller coaster, thankfully with more ups than downs, but a wild ride nonetheless. I'm having a terrible time composing my thoughts about where I am and where I've been, so how about a few top ten lists to help me sort out my thoughts?

Top 10 Ups Since Being Banded

10. This lovely community, especially the sisterhood without which I'd be either naked or broke.
9. Signing up for a half-marathon. While the training hasn't started in earnest, I am actually looking forward to it. We'll see how I feel after my first 10-mile training session.
8. Lack of anxiety over flying. 'Nuff said.
7. Going down the slide at Animal Kingdom with my daughter before I realized I didn't even have to consider if I'd fit or not. Yeah, I cried that day.
6. Buying a size S/M sweater from Loft. LALALALA I can't hear you telling me it ran large LALALALALA All I know is it has an S on the tag.
5. Painting my own toenails and being able to breathe. I still get pretty giddy about that one.
4. Not freaking out when my BFF announced she was engaged, panicking over finding a dress that wouldn't look like a tent on me. Or looking like a whale next to her since she's a stick.
3. After-hours extracurriculars with DH. I don't think you want or need any more details.
2. Accepting that I can actually lose every single pound of excess weight.
1. LIVING instead of obsessing about food. The freedom I feel is indescribable.

Top 10 Downs Since Being Banded

10. PB'ing. I still hate it. I don't urp up like some - I ralph up pretty forcibly every time.
9. My month or so of being uber-tight. That's a hell of a way to lose weight.
8. Moving and having to find new after-care. I never imagined how difficult that would be.
7. My feet are shrinking out of some of my favorite shoes!
6. Batwings and elephant thighs. I'm learning to accept them, but it doesn't mean I have to like them.
5. Still being fat after losing 125 lbs. I know I've come miles, but I still have a mile or two left to go, and it sometimes really gets to me that I let it go as far as it did.
4. Realizing how poorly I was treated by society when I was fat. I never thought I was, but now I am realizing it was worse than I accepted.
3. Waiting for my head to catch up with my body. This is such a mental game, and to be honest, it's exhausting quite often.
2. My two or so months of depression. I was totally unprepared for the emotions, even though I thought I was prepared to deal with the changes.
1. Realizing I should have done this when my mom first brought it up years ago. I was too stubborn and proud to even consider it.

Top 10 Reasons I Will Lose the Rest & Keep It All Off

10. This lovely community - your support is amazing.
9. I still love food, but I don't LOVE food anymore, if that makes sense.
8. I'm no longer too proud or stubborn to admit when a problem is bigger than me.
7. Going back is simply not an option.
6. My kids deserve this mom, not their old mom. Hubby, too, even if he drives me nuts 90% of the time.
5. I can live with a too-tight band if I have to. Not fun, but I can do it if need be to get back on track or what not.
4. I will NOT add to the stereotype/statistics of "the band isn't as good as bypass/other wls". I am too competitive.
3. My 40s are going to be the best decade of my life (yet), so I have a few more years to perfect this body before I take on the 40s and show them what I'm made of!
2. I owe it to myself and my creator/the universe to make the most of this body. That's more spiritual than I normally get, but I really feel it lately.
1. I'm HOT when I'm skinny!


Finally, a bandiversary post wouldn't be worth anything without a few then and now pics. Alas, I present my befores and afters - 125 lbs less of me AKA 1/3 less of me AKA I've worked my ass off this year and am damn proud of where I am!

October 2009 - 374 lbs

November 2010 - 249 lbs

November 15, 2009 - DD's 2nd birthday

November 15, 2010 - DD's 3rd birthday

November 2010 - feeling like I can do silly things in public and not be "that fat girl"

Royalty that I am, I deserve a TIARA!

I am not sure what the hell is wrong with me. I am sure something is, however, because I am officially, publicly announcing that I, Amy-who-once-weighed-374-lbs, am going to:

RUN A HALF MARATHON!

Um, wait, what?

Crap. It's out there now. You've already read it. Now I have to do it in order to save face.

Just teasing. The gorgeous (and very thin!) Jenny invited everyone to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February with her. I must have been a bit woozy from lack of protein or something, as I was on that invite like a fat girl on cake.

Actually, I'm very excited about it! My very-thin, marathon-running BFF is also going to do it with us. And maybe Southern Belle Jen (please, please, please!), and ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE READING THIS!

Who wants to join us? You get to wear a tiara! And run all through Disney property! And meet me! I mean, it's like a dream come true. And Disney is where dreams come true, so it's meant to be.

My three goals for this are:

1. Run the whole thing. In other words, no walking, except for water/bathroom breaks.

2. Finish with an average of an 11 min mile, meaning my time would be 2 hours 24 min. I'll give myself a time of 2.5 hours to allow for water/bathroom breaks.

3. Be in ONEDERLAND by the race. It's 25 weeks from this past Saturday. I currently weigh 261.4, meaning I need to lose 61.6 lbs in 25 weeks. That's an average of 2.464 lbs/week. That's a pretty aggressive goal, but the training will hopefully help me do it!

So, there you have it. Off to shop for my tiara! (Actually, we're having a small family party this afternoon. I cooked lots of goodies - tell you all about them later!)

99 bottles of beer on the wall

You take one down, pass it around...

OK, I won't pass it around, since I don't want you guys to have it. If I were really talking about beer, I'd pass it around, but since I'm talking about POUNDS LEFT TO LOSE, I won't pass you any when I am done with them!

Seriously, I finally have less than 100 lbs to lose.

It's starting to sink in! Double digits, baby! For real, I honestly think this is the most exciting milestone yet. Maybe not most exciting, maybe most sinking in? Most that I want to celebrate? Whatever it is, it feels DAYYYUUUUMMMM (that's damn all drawled out) good to be here.

I can totally do 99 lbs. Like in my sleep. And with an arm tied behind my back. Surely I jest, I know it's not going to be easy, weight loss never is. But it is going to be done. By me!

I used to hate, hate, hate when I was a total newbie (since I'm still kind of a newbie), and I'd read a blog when someone would say, "If I can do it, anyone can." Blah blah blahcakes. Who did they think they were????

But seriously, that's how I feel now, and I want to scream it from a stage to an arena full of fatties who feel lost and depressed and sure they are never going to lose their excess weight. I want everyone who feels despondent over their weight loss attempts and failures to know they can do it.

I had 200+ lbs to lose. I was facing a journey much longer than 95% of bandsters. It sucked to be in that 5%, believe me. I'd look at others and think, "Well, hell, they only have {insert any number less than 200 here} to lose." And it wasn't really with jealousy; OK, it was with jealousy that they'd gotten smarter sooner than me. But it wasn't jealousy over their 'smaller' journey. It just made mine seem that much longer, bigger, harder, worse. The reality I've learned, though, is everyone's journey is longer, bigger, harder, worse in their own way. Because each person's journey is their own and comes complete with their own challenges. Whatever your challenges are, you can do this. You really can. You know why?

Because if I can do this, anyone can.

The light at the end of the weight loss tunnel isn't just visible, it's shining brightly. It's kinda like the light calling to CarolAnne, except this one is beckoning me with its promises of cute clothes, a svelte body, and health.

If you couldn't tell, it's a good day to be me.

(On a not-so-fun note, I PB'ed on water yesterday. I couldn't understand why. Granted, I gulped it, but I have gulped umpteen times. Then I PB'ed dinner (scrambled eggs, sigh). I hadn't PB'ed in close to a month. I was perplexed until I went to the bathroom, only to discover an uninvited guest had come to visit for a few days. This was my first real experience with TOM tightness aka TOMT. I put myself on a liquid diet today to get the swelling to go down, as that second PB was a humdinger and I was still feeling it when I went to bed last night. I was getting a tad concerned about slippage, but I think I just really irritated it. The upside of liquid? Weight loss!)