First things first, Wednesday is my official "record my weight" day, and I am down 3 lbs for the week, bringing my grand total to 57 lbs in just over 5 months. SWEET!
Second things second, my fill today was .25cc. I told them that I STILL get physically full but no real or lasting relief from hunger. They reassured me that IT WILL HAPPEN when I hit my sweet point, and I have to be close. So, .25cc it is. (My total is 11.25cc in a 14cc band; I got here over the course of six fills.)
Third things third, in the 29 days since my last fill, I lost 16 lbs!!! The good news is 13 lbs of it was fat and only 3 lbs was non-fat. Makes me happy...
Now, finally what I really want to discuss today:
The Non-Feeding of Emotions
I have been swinging from one emotion to the next lately. One minute, I am ready to cry. The next, I am so happy, I could burst. The next, I am frustrated with my situation. The next, I feel blessed by everything in my life. My emotions feel so raw, so right there, so emotional. So real.
So. Real.
I am feeling real emotion. Huh.
I was seriously starting to think I needed an anti-depressant. I kept thinking, "Self, you have so much going on. Anyone in their right mind would need a little help to get through this. It's totally not normal to be feeling this much emotion, and a little pill will certainly help you to dim the emotion."
And then I understood.
I am feeling real emotion. Huh.
I am not drowning my sadness in cheeseburgers. And I'm not celebrating success at work with a milk shake. Nor am I trying to get through the night with two crazy toddlers with the help of some chocolate.
I am experiencing life and all its ups and downs without drugging myself with food.
It's scary. And exhilarating. And very real.
And I think that's exactly how it's supposed to be.
Im on a (kinda) two week liquid diet right now in case I am lucky enough to be banded still in May and I am feeling the same way. For me, it is things like coffee drinks and soda. Not having these makes me have to face the fact that if I dont sleep- I am tired. I know it sounds simple, but for years I must have been surviving on caffeine.
ReplyDeletehttp://bestwishesnevergooutofstyle.blogspot.com/
Such great insight! I've noticed that I am also having some mood swings and I didn't put it together that it is because I am actually letting myself feel what I feel instead of stuffing my feelings.
ReplyDeleteOooohhh. That's deep, girlie! Your brain is turned on today! I'm jealous!
ReplyDeletep.s. Xanax is SOOO nice though... ;-)
ReplyDeleteAmazing what happens when you don't numb everything! How profound (Amanda already used "insightful). 57#? Whaaa-Whaaat?! And without being in the "sweet spot"? Nicely done, lady.
ReplyDeleteWellbutrin is great too :)
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the 16 lb. loss! I know what you mean about the emotions. Mine have been all over the place the last year and I'm normally a really mild tempered person. I only recently realized that I had been drugging myself with food. Once I couldn't do it anymore... WATCH OUT WORLD - I HAVE THINGS TO SAY AND I'M NOT TAKING YOUR CRAP ANYMORE! HA!
ReplyDeleteIt's a good thing...this is the point where you realize you can do it. We have to stay on the straight and narrow too. No transfer addictions...Shopping, (blogging), exercise, alcohol, we need to keep all things in moderation. It's hard but exhilarating. You said it well.
Way to go!!
Ooo...and guess what a little birdy got in her e-mail inbox by accident today? A receipt for a LENS that you recommended and I told my DH about! Yippie! Now I have to act like I don't know though. (men...lol)
I don't think I have gotten there yet. I have still been stuffing myself and my emotions. Hopefully with my next feel that will dissipate a bit! Congrats on your progress. You are doing great and hopefully this fill makes a difference for ya!
ReplyDeleteHey girl.....I am so sorry! I am so behind on blogs!!!!!!! I am going to read your sisterhood post RIGHT now!!!!!! If you have a chance can you email me what you have left! catmalonesellers@yahoo.com! I think we are in the same ball park! :)
ReplyDeleteYup - just how it's supposed to happen - I'm so proud of you Amy - for real. You inspire me and everyone every single day...I hope you know that.
ReplyDeleteThat is how I have been feeling lately which I think is why I had the hour long crying sob-fest on Saturday. I'm not dimming my emotions with food. It's a crazy thought. It's been really amazing me and messing with my head this week.
ReplyDeleteSuper sweet loss and well deserved. Have a cry - it's good for you :)
ReplyDeleteI thought I was the only one who was swinging from one mood to the next!
ReplyDeleteIt's kinda nice to experience the moods, though, isn't it?! :)
Kudos on the weight loss and successful fill!
congrats on the loss...I am at 6 months and 47lbs. I agree that at first I thought I was having more mood swings and being emotional, but I think you are right...we are just "feeling" them more rather than smothering them! I also think PMS is worse too!
ReplyDelete