Wednesday, February 17

I'm thinking...and that's dangerous

I had therapy this morning. My appt was at 9 am, and we got right down to business. Dang, it's hard to think that hard at 9 am.

I started by asking her if we were going to put a 'plan' in place or just work on things as they came up. She said it was up to me, so I told her that I wanted to explore more about how I sell myself short in so many ways - is it because I don't want to or don't know how to work hard? Is it because I am afraid of failure? Or afraid of success? Afraid of the hard work? Lazy? Stupid? Because I get bored easily?

Fortunately, she pretty quickly ruled out that I am lazy or stupid. Which I was hoping was going to be the case. But sometimes I do wonder if I am lazy, but she reassured me that lazy people don't attempt the things I attempt to do. Even if I get bored/unmotivated to finish them.

I talked a lot about how I've always taken the easy route when I hit a stumbling block. If I can't do something perfectly within the first try or two, I just give up. WHY? I don't want to be like that. Or maybe I do.

I feel like I have come to a fork in the road at this point in my life - I can choose the path of least resistance as I have been and continue to feel like I am selling myself short, because even though some people like drifting through life, I do not. The other path is going to require work. Work on losing weight once and for all, work on being successful career-wise, work on making a go of it with either (or both!) writing and photography.

On the losing weight front, I told her how I'd gained 10 lbs. She seemed surprised, and while I do like her, I don't think she works with as many band patients as she does gastric bypass. Because she reiterated several times that I shouldn't have gained weight. When I know it's totally normal, although also avoidable. She did make me see the light though as far as my flimsy excuses about exercise. Even though I have a lot going on right now, there's no reason I can't fit in exercise a few times per week. I am going to make that a priority starting now.

The conversation went on and on, and I feel like I am starting to understand myself a bit better. I talked about making my weight loss a priority for six months and putting everything else on the back burner, and she stopped me mid-sentence and said, "And this is why you give up so easily. Six months is no where NEAR enough time to focus on weight loss." It was this huge lightbulb moment! Of course, it's not. Because I'd get three months in, realize I wasn't going to make my 'goal' at six months, and just throw my hands in the air and quit. If I can't do it right, might as well not do it.

I have a lot of soul-searching to do. I have to get rid of this "I must be the best at everything I do or it's not worth doing and I'll do something much, much easier instead so I can be successful at that" attitude. It's not working, it hasn't worked, and it's not gonna work.

Whew. I need another cup of coffee.


  1. Hi Amy,
    I have been faithfully reading your blog from the beginning and I am now all caught up! I'm getting banded in 5 days (yipe!) and it has helped so so much to see what you and others have been through and watch your excellent progress. So, thank you.

    I am also very much an all or nothing person. It seems to be a running theme for a lot of us.

    PS. I'm a designer and I think your photographs are amazing! Go for it! We can team up and have a design/photo studio. Too bad I live on the other side of the country ;)


  2. Hi Amy, good for you for finding a therapist who deals with WLS. I hope you find it really helpful; I've seen a therapist but she doesn't specialize in this so I'm kind of educating her as I go. Not as helpful. Good luck with the self-examination!

  3. maybe we can get a group rate with your therapist? lol.

    we have talked about this "all or nothing" attitude at support group. a lot of us who get to this weight suffer from it.

    congrats on the winning the sleep war so far, too!

    and finally...stay off that evil scale!!! lol.

  4. Hi Amy...I have been to counselling on and off for years about my weight and can so relate to the first comment you made about being lazy....and it is so great when they challenge your belief system and you realise that no you are not how YOU think you are. I think as larger people we get really down on ourselves and think others must see us the same way...but that is not so.

    I am an all or nothing person too but am using BALANCE (my word of the year) in my life. My eating doesn't have to go on hold while I work and study and my exercise does not have to be every day...I have been going 3 times a week etc etc...

    I really hope you can conquer your inner demons so to speak and see how ell you are doing.

    Keep up the good work of addressing the situation