I'm thinking...and that's dangerous

I had therapy this morning. My appt was at 9 am, and we got right down to business. Dang, it's hard to think that hard at 9 am.

I started by asking her if we were going to put a 'plan' in place or just work on things as they came up. She said it was up to me, so I told her that I wanted to explore more about how I sell myself short in so many ways - is it because I don't want to or don't know how to work hard? Is it because I am afraid of failure? Or afraid of success? Afraid of the hard work? Lazy? Stupid? Because I get bored easily?

Fortunately, she pretty quickly ruled out that I am lazy or stupid. Which I was hoping was going to be the case. But sometimes I do wonder if I am lazy, but she reassured me that lazy people don't attempt the things I attempt to do. Even if I get bored/unmotivated to finish them.

I talked a lot about how I've always taken the easy route when I hit a stumbling block. If I can't do something perfectly within the first try or two, I just give up. WHY? I don't want to be like that. Or maybe I do.

I feel like I have come to a fork in the road at this point in my life - I can choose the path of least resistance as I have been and continue to feel like I am selling myself short, because even though some people like drifting through life, I do not. The other path is going to require work. Work on losing weight once and for all, work on being successful career-wise, work on making a go of it with either (or both!) writing and photography.

On the losing weight front, I told her how I'd gained 10 lbs. She seemed surprised, and while I do like her, I don't think she works with as many band patients as she does gastric bypass. Because she reiterated several times that I shouldn't have gained weight. When I know it's totally normal, although also avoidable. She did make me see the light though as far as my flimsy excuses about exercise. Even though I have a lot going on right now, there's no reason I can't fit in exercise a few times per week. I am going to make that a priority starting now.

The conversation went on and on, and I feel like I am starting to understand myself a bit better. I talked about making my weight loss a priority for six months and putting everything else on the back burner, and she stopped me mid-sentence and said, "And this is why you give up so easily. Six months is no where NEAR enough time to focus on weight loss." It was this huge lightbulb moment! Of course, it's not. Because I'd get three months in, realize I wasn't going to make my 'goal' at six months, and just throw my hands in the air and quit. If I can't do it right, might as well not do it.

I have a lot of soul-searching to do. I have to get rid of this "I must be the best at everything I do or it's not worth doing and I'll do something much, much easier instead so I can be successful at that" attitude. It's not working, it hasn't worked, and it's not gonna work.

Whew. I need another cup of coffee.