Hearing things?

I'm listening to the radio at work, and while I listen, I don't really pay attention, until I hear someone say, "You have the lap-band, go get a little bit of a fill."

WHAT?

I totally forgot that the main deejay had lap-band surgery about two years ago. Apparently, he's struggling right now, and someone called in and reminded him a fill would help. He has lost 120 lbs, so he's doing great, but hasn't lost in a few months, so he needs to get back on track.

Like Cara said, the banded walk among us!

You CAN'T handle the truth!

The truth is I can't handle the truth. Or maybe it's that I can't tell myself the truth. Or haven't been telling myself the truth. The truth is...I need to get serious about this.

Tomorrow is my three-month bandiversary.

The Good: I'm down more than 35 lbs in three months.

The Bad: I've been down as much as 39.8 lbs since being banded.

The Ugly: I was down 39.8 lbs on December 23, less than one month after I was banded.

That means I've just been fuckin' around these past two months. Up and down. On and off. Good and bad.

I'm not going to be back at 39.8 lbs by tomorrow, which is a goal I'd set for myself. And it's my own fault. Eating things I shouldn't, eating more than I should, moving less than I should. The list goes on and on.

I owe it to myself, my husband, my kids, and my parents (who generously paid $11,000 for my surgery) to buck up and get honest about this journey.

I know getting to restriction will help with a lot of this, so I am not beating myself up too much about the eating part. But I could be doing a whole LOT more to help myself. And really, I don't need restriction to work out. What...am I expecting restriction to suddenly make me want to jump on the elliptical in the mornings? I don't think that's going to happen. Although if it did, that would be cool.

I also don't need restriction to stay out of the craptastic snacks in our house. Or to stop getting a caramel macchiato for breakfast and kidding myself by pretending it's a good choice because of the protein in the milk. Seriously. I am fuckin' around, and it stops here and now.

It's time to put on my big girl panties (which could be smaller big girl panties if I would just buck up), and do what needs to be done.

Exercise 4x/week.
Eat 3 real meals and 2-3 small, healthy snacks.
Focus on getting my water in.

To make myself accountable, I WILL post my progress towards these goals every day. With full honesty. Because I CAN handle the truth.

Whew....

I am feeling a bit more in control of life....however, it still is a bit crazy. See Exhibits 1 & 2 below:

1. My cleaning lady was supposed to start back today (after being off because we were broke) but she had to cancel! Wahhhh...it's because of snow-delayed school, so I understand, but I still wanted to cry.

2. Speaking of, I got the kids off to daycare and came to work. I was working away for about 30 min when I realized no one else had showed up yet. I am often the first one to work, so that's not unusual. Too bad, we had a delayed start for work, and I never even considered calling in to check. The roads just weren't that bad! So I headed home for a few hours, but dang, I could have had about another hour at home if I had just called. Oh well... I still got a bunch done during my kid-free time: two loads of laundry, filing, bill paying, and more.

I also have to apologize, because I think my posts have been less than clear lately. Barbara asked "Five bites and stuffed.. I want to be there. what size is your band and how much do you have now?" in response to my last post. I meant I *wish* I was there. I am so not there yet. I am close - PB'ing and being stuck are signs - but I'm not experiencing any getting-full-sooner or staying-full-longer. Yet. Next fill is in two weeks. Thank goodness.

Finally, I think I am refollowing everyone's blogs, but if I missed yours, please just comment and I will follow. I've missed you guys!

Oh, this is really finally. A public shout-out to Shrinking Mommy for so generously sending me clothes without me even having to ask! She rocks...and has great taste in clothes. :)

You know what stinks?

Taking the time to make a nice dinner for the family...and then PB'ing your second bite and being done with it all.

Yep, folks, don't be jealous of my life.

I made barbacoa in the pressure cooker, homemade guac, spanish rice, and all the fixings. The first bite went down ok. The second bite was a bit chewier and kinda stuck. Since I've experienced stuck, I thought it was going to be ok. Suddenly, I realized it was not going to be ok. I ran to the bathroom and up it came.

I've officially PB'ed. And I survived. It obviously wasn't fun, but it wasn't a big deal either.

And sorry my other post wasn't very clear. I just moved my blog to one of my other gmail accounts, which you wouldn't/shouldn't have even noticed. But I did unfollow everyone from my original account and will re-follow tomorrow!

My next fill is in 2.5 weeks, and I've got to be close. I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel - I am almost there. And I can't wait for the first time I can post, "I ate 5 bites and was stuffed!"

Quick update

I'm moving my blog to a different email address, so I had to unfollow everyone. I will be following again shortly - just trying to make sure I get everything switched over so the switch is clean. :)

I'm thinking...and that's dangerous

I had therapy this morning. My appt was at 9 am, and we got right down to business. Dang, it's hard to think that hard at 9 am.

I started by asking her if we were going to put a 'plan' in place or just work on things as they came up. She said it was up to me, so I told her that I wanted to explore more about how I sell myself short in so many ways - is it because I don't want to or don't know how to work hard? Is it because I am afraid of failure? Or afraid of success? Afraid of the hard work? Lazy? Stupid? Because I get bored easily?

Fortunately, she pretty quickly ruled out that I am lazy or stupid. Which I was hoping was going to be the case. But sometimes I do wonder if I am lazy, but she reassured me that lazy people don't attempt the things I attempt to do. Even if I get bored/unmotivated to finish them.

I talked a lot about how I've always taken the easy route when I hit a stumbling block. If I can't do something perfectly within the first try or two, I just give up. WHY? I don't want to be like that. Or maybe I do.

I feel like I have come to a fork in the road at this point in my life - I can choose the path of least resistance as I have been and continue to feel like I am selling myself short, because even though some people like drifting through life, I do not. The other path is going to require work. Work on losing weight once and for all, work on being successful career-wise, work on making a go of it with either (or both!) writing and photography.

On the losing weight front, I told her how I'd gained 10 lbs. She seemed surprised, and while I do like her, I don't think she works with as many band patients as she does gastric bypass. Because she reiterated several times that I shouldn't have gained weight. When I know it's totally normal, although also avoidable. She did make me see the light though as far as my flimsy excuses about exercise. Even though I have a lot going on right now, there's no reason I can't fit in exercise a few times per week. I am going to make that a priority starting now.

The conversation went on and on, and I feel like I am starting to understand myself a bit better. I talked about making my weight loss a priority for six months and putting everything else on the back burner, and she stopped me mid-sentence and said, "And this is why you give up so easily. Six months is no where NEAR enough time to focus on weight loss." It was this huge lightbulb moment! Of course, it's not. Because I'd get three months in, realize I wasn't going to make my 'goal' at six months, and just throw my hands in the air and quit. If I can't do it right, might as well not do it.

I have a lot of soul-searching to do. I have to get rid of this "I must be the best at everything I do or it's not worth doing and I'll do something much, much easier instead so I can be successful at that" attitude. It's not working, it hasn't worked, and it's not gonna work.

Whew. I need another cup of coffee.

Update on sleep training

Totally not band-related, but hey, this blog is about life with a band. Which means my life overall. And since you were all so kind to help last time, here's the update with a little intro in case you weren't around for the first go-round.

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Elise (my two-year old) has been sleeping with me (and poor DH has been relegated to the guest room) since mid-November. It all started innocently enough; she had a rough night and I let her come in with me. Since then, any attempt to put her in her own bed has resulted in much screaming and gnashing of teeth. We tried the crib, a toddler bed, a regular bed, baths, books, rocking, treats, gushing, and so on. All she wanted was "mommy's bed." And neither of us had the patience to do much about it.

We did try the "Nanny 911" method over the holidays, where you sit close the child in their room. Every time they get up, you put them back in bed without engaging them. We did this for four nights. Each night, it took between 3 and 4 hours to get her to sleep, and she'd wake up every 45 min and scream for another 45 min. After 4 nights, we gave up. We were getting even less sleep than before, which seemed pointless.

Until recently, we were just going with it. But then we decided enough was enough. I am warning you, this is going to be a long post, so either grab a cup of coffee or just quit reading here.

We were at the ped for Beckett's 9-mo check up and I spoke to him about her issues. He told me what I knew he was going to tell me - that the best thing we can do is teach her how to fall asleep and stay asleep on her own. It's not cruel or abandonment.

He said to do the bedtime routine and then put a gate up at the door (he feels closing the door is a bit too confining/separating them from the outside world) and then tell her I love her and will see her in the morning.

She may cry for 8 hours. She may puke. She may do this for 2 weeks. But she will eventually learn.

It made me soooooo sad to think about doing this, but nothing else had worked and we'd not making any improvement, so I knew it had to be done. As the ped said, I wouldn't give her candy for dinner just because she cries, so why is this any different?

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Night 1

I converted Elise's crib back into a toddler bed (for the second time) as she watched me and we talked about sleeping in her bed. I hoped it would help that Mommy was doing it and she was helping. We also totally child-proofed her room.

Did the bedtime routine (brush teeth, jammies, stories, rocking) and then she started getting teary-eyed. She laid down in bed and started bawling. T and I kissed her, told her we'd see her in the morning, and stepped over the gate into the hall. She was right behind us as the gate, wailing, with her dolly in hand.

We were just about to the end of the hall when I turned around and saw her fling herself over the gate, never once letting dolly hit the ground or get hurt. That was the end of the gate and into our bed she went.

Score after Night 1:

Elise 1, Parents 0
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Night 2

I was going to buy a second gate to stack on top of the other one, until a wise coworker pointed out that she'll just fall from higher up if I do that. She's definitely a climber.

So I guess our only option was to close the door.

We started talking about sleeping in her own bed about 30 min before bed, and it did not go well. She was crying and screaming the whole time.

But we did the bedtime routine, and I rocked her. She wouldn't lay down at all, so T and I kissed her and walked out of the room. I had to literally pry her fingers off the door to close it.

She then started wailing like she was being beat and THROWING her entire body at the door. OMG. I was almost in tears. She kept screaming mommy and bodyslamming the door. She immediately got the child proof doorknob off, but couldn't get the door open, thank goodness for antique-y doorknobs that are a bit difficult to open.

For 3 min, she screamed like she was dying.

Then she crawled into her bed and silence followed. We knew it was too good to be true.
About 10 min later, she started softly crying and just repeating mommy over and over again intermixed with times of silence. This went on until about an hour after she went to bed.

She then slept THROUGH THE NIGHT. You don't understand - this is the child who wakes 5 and 6 times a night when she sleeps with me.

I woke her up at 8:45 am that s morning and she cried for about 10 sec. Then started telling me how her baby slept in the bed with her and not on the floor. And on and on and on and on.

We did tons and tons of praise and excitement over sleeping in her big girl bed.

Score after 2 nights:

Elise 1, Parents 1
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Night 3

Once again, she started crying before we even headed upstairs, but she did stop while brushing her teeth and rocking. Then she laid in her bed, somewhat unwillingly, but she did it anyhow. I gave her a kiss and told her I'd see her in the AM.

Closed the door and she was crying, but she never even got up. She cried for about 1-2 min. DH did say she cried a bit more when I was in the kitchen making popcorn, but it wasn't too loud, as I couldn't hear it.

She slept through the night and was happy as could be to see DH when he got her at 9 am this morning (she was still kinda sleeping).

Then it was super cute - she got into bed with me and kept kissing me on the lips and saying "Awt (love) you, too, Mommy". My little sweetie. Guess she doesn't hate me too much for this.

Score after 3 nights:

Elise 1, Parents 2
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Night 4

Night 4 wasn't as smooth. She was crying off and on before we even went upstairs. Then she cried while brushing her teeth. HAHA - that was funny. We rocked for a while and then she resisted going to bed, but I got her in. She kept telling me, "No Elise like it Elise's bed. Elise like Mommy's bed."

Then the little stinker decides to climb over the SIDE of her crib. WTF? I was watching on the video, so I ran upstairs and stubbed my toe on a stupid laundry basket I stupidly left in the hall. She was perched on the side rail, which is about 4' in the air, with one leg on either side. I was expecting her to fall at any moment.

I got her down, and we rocked a bit more. Then I put her back in and went in my room next door and watched her on the video. She kept climbing over the side. Seriously? It's a toddler bed, so she can get out the front no problem. Why does she have to go over the side? But she got down just fine. Then she climbed back in the bed over the side from the outside! I told you, this girl is a monkey! For the love of all that is good, why does she do this? She was giving me a heart attack. But after she did it back and forth about 20 times, I realized she probably wasn't going to get hurt.

She cried for about 30 min total, but finally went to sleep and slept through the night.

And she was so proud of herself when she got up this morning - "Yeah, Elise waked up! Yeah, Elise!"

Score after 4 nights:

Elise 1, Parents 3 (although last night was a doozy, I still think I won)

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Night 5 (last night)

She started crying again before bed. I hate that part. And cried through teeth brushing, but not while rocking. I put her in her bed, kissed her and told her I'd see her in the morning. She followed me to the door, wailing and shrieking. I closed it and walked downstairs.
By the time I got downstairs, she'd stopped crying and was in her bed. Asleep.

Score after 5 Nights:

Elise 1, Parents 4

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And the victory goes to the PARENTS!

Math and goals and weight, OH MY!

I don't know if I was living in la-la land, can no longer do math, or what my problem was. But I lied about how much was up. I was up 10 lbs! Freakin' 10 lbs.

My lowest yet was 334.6 lbs.

My weight on my fill day (last Tuesday) was 344.something lbs.

That's 10 lbs. Not 6 lbs. Hmph.

My weight today was 339.2 lbs.

In five days, I've lost 5+ lbs.

My new goal is to be below my lowest on my 3-month bandiversary (yes, cringe if you must at the name, but it is easy to use!), which would put me at 334.2 lbs.

I need to lose 5 lbs in the next 10 days. I realize this is very, very aggressive. But I've never been known to shy away from a good challenge.

I'm slowly accepting that my fill is not where I need to be but that it is doing something. I am still hungry most of the time. BUT I am finding that the band is doing its job in telling me when to stop. I can just feel that I'll get stuck if I eat another bite, so I stop. Unfortunately, that's usually before I'm full, so I'm battling the hungry monsters and it feels very much like a diet-gone-bad. Fortunately, it is helping with my weight loss and I am not snacking to compensate. Go me!

I'm prepping for a good week (holiday today, so I'm home with the kiddos) food-wise. With DH travelling for work, it's simple meals for us. I just chopped a bunch of cucumbers, mushrooms, and onions to add to salads that will also have romaine, chicken tenders, avocado, bleu cheese, pecans, and vinaigrette. Those will most likely be lunch and dinner most days. Breakfast is greek yogurt and a banana. Snacks are dry-roasted edamame, some jello mousse things (not my fav - weird texture - but I don't want to waste them), and apples. I also have stir-fry veggies and chicken if I want something else for dinner.

So, my plan is in place. I am heading for unchartered waters and determined to find my way with or without the proverbial paddle. The shorelines is barely visible in the distance. I'll get there...

Talk about timing...first STUCK episode

As soon as you veterans quit laughing and wipe the tears from your eyes, I hope you'll continue reading. As for my fellow baby bandsters, I have learned my lesson!

I just got stuck. And holy hell, that sucked.

I was eating some leftover shrimp pad thai for lunch. I got a small last night and ate half of it with no problem. I chewed my small bites well and was fine.

Today was a totally different story. I took a small bite with a 1/4 of a medium shrimp with two small slivers of noodle. Chewed, chewed, chewed. Swallowed...and....STUCK.

And for the love of all that is good, it also happened right when both kids were crying. I couldn't even think. All I could think about was the pain in my chest.

I was sliming and trying to stop the kids from crying. And DH is asking me what's wrong and wants me to answer, and I can't even talk. The spit and mucus just kept coming and coming and ugh. Crying kids, annoying DH, ahhhhhh....

It went down rather quick for a stuck episode - maybe 15 min - but I will. not. be. doing. that. again.

Lessons learned:

1. Pad thai is not band friendly.
2. I have more restriction than I was giving the band credit for.
3. No more pasta for the time being.
4. I don't like being stuck.
5. Karma works in funny ways!

Change of Heart

I have changed my mind about having this band.

HA! Now that I have your attention...the change of heart is that I am going to work with it!!!

I wanted to give my most heartfelt thanks for the supportive comments yesterday. Not one person called me a whiney brat, which would have been more than fair.

I am very disappointed I can't get a fill sooner. I had contemplated seeing if I could find a local surgeon to take me on. But then I realized I should probably stay with one surgeon until we move. For some reason, I just feel like this gives me a better chance of finding a surgeon who'll take me on in FL. Who knows if this is true, but it makes sense to me.

I'm OK now with the four weeks. I wish it were sooner, but the truth is maybe I was expecting more from the band than I should be. I DO have to chew well, I DO have to take small bites, certain foods just *sound* like they'll get stuck on me. I know this means I am very close, and instead of waiting for perfect restriction, I had a sudden realization that I can at least work with the band for the next few weeks. Duh. I know, it's so obvious. But I guess I just had to work through it and accept it.

I will admit to having some moments last night of wanting to eat everything I shouldn't. But I didn't. I did have a few chips, but they were threatening to stick on me, so I gave those up. I even got DD a cheeseburger from Burger King and nothing even tempted me on the menu. I guess I should give the band a little more credit.

So, I guess it's timely since tomorrow is Valentine's Day, but it's time for me to have a change of heart and really get with it. Even without perfect restriction, the band IS helping me, and for that I am grateful. And now it's my turn, indeed my opportunity, to allow it to help me even a little more.

Ridiculously close to tears

Argh.

I am up about 5 lbs from my lowest. I know I could just 'diet' but I am so over that. Hence the reason I got the band.

My last fill hasn't really provided restriction. I am having to watch how well I chew and how big of bites I take, but I can eat way more than I should and am not feeling any sense of fullness nor prolonged freedom from hunger.

I contacted my surgeon's coordinator about coming in sooner than 4 weeks, and they won't let me! She double-checked with the surgeon for me. I am seriously near tears. I know it's not the end of the world, but I am tired of fighting this fight without any weapons.

Sigh.

I'll take "Is this normal?" for $200, Alex.

You could probably categorize this under "fun bodily functions" as well. I am a giant ball of gas. Oh, the joy. I know this is normal, although I hope it gets better as my body gets used to the band, because while it might be normal, it's not exactly fun.

However, here's my newest symptom. After I ate today, I got these sharpish pains in my mid-region. They felt surprisingly like gas pains, so I kinda pushed on the area that was hurting, and much to my amazement, I felt and heard bubbles move. Lots and lots of bubbles. I couldn't tell if they were going down or up; I imagine up. But then the pain was gone. If you can shed some light on this, I'd be appreciative!

I love aggression

Well, not really in most cases. But I am in love with my surgeon's aggressive nature today. He gave me an additional 1.5 cc, which brings my total to 9 cc in a 14 cc band! He knows that I am self-pay, have to drive 1+ hour each way, and have to take time off work to go (which my schedule is very accomodating, but still a pain).

I hope this is it. I really, really do. Liquids are going down fine, but I know that doesn't really mean anything. I'm starving, so I'd love to eat something and see, but since I'm supposed to be on clear liquids today, I won't do that. However, I also don't think I'm going to make it on clear liquids all day. I didn't have time to eat this morning since I can't eat for 4 hours before a fill and my fill was at 9 am. I was not getting up at 4:30 am to eat. :) I love eating, but not that much!

On lapbandtalk.com, there's a poll about how many cc's got people to restriction in a 14 cc band. It seems like 75% or more of respondents were at restriction at 9 or less. I told my surgeon that, and while he's fairly confident I'll be close if not there, he also said that everyone is different and the numbers don't really mean anything. Hmph. I so wish this was an exact science. Science is way underrated, isn't it?

I can't wait to eat something and see...

Stick a fork in me

I am d.o.n.e.

Somehow I got a sinus infection. I've not been stuffy or congested, do not have a cold, and have been fine. I started feeling some pressure under my cheekbone yesterday and I instantly knew I was getting a sinus infection, even though I've never gotten one before without any other symptoms.

Good news is they gave me liquid Zithromax since I have a fill tomorrow. A fill that I am confidently saying is going to get me to my sweet spot, if not very, very, very close. I am READY for restriction. Did I mention ready?

Sorry this is short (and has been the last few days), but I am feeling pretty horrible with my face hurting (haha - is it killing you?) and am off to get the kiddos and pick up my prescription. I'll check in tomorrow after my fill.

Oh, I do have a quick question. Is anyone else on clear liquids the day of their fill? I'm supposed to be. But I HATE it. HATE. HATE. HATE. Would it be terrible if I had a latte or something tomorrow evening?

My 9-month old - totally not band-related

I finally picked up my neglected camera today and shot some (overdue) shots of my 9-month old. I figured I'd share with my favorite blogger friends, since I know several of you are also photographers. Wow, feels weird to call myself that, but it's like with the band, you just gotta believe in yourself.


Isn't he so sweet?

Check out his fangs!

And just a cute shot, although I missed terribly on the focus, I love it anyhow!

The Not-So-Sweet Spot

I think my restriction is at that not-so-sweet spot where things threaten to get stuck, but you don't have prolonged satisfaction. Yep - I about got stuck on a hard-boiled egg this morning, and it scared the jeepers out of me. I did NOT want to be stuck at work! It was my fault - I was gulping it down before a teleconference, and the last bite was big and went down hard. All of a sudden, I had that horrible feeling right in the middle of my chest. I pounded on my chest like that famous gorilla that invaded New York - what's his name? Why is my mind going blank? Anyhow, thank goodness none of my coworkers were walking by at that very moment, as I am sure I would have had some explaining to do.

In the garbage went the other egg. I was too scared to even nibble on it. And I was still hungry. Boohoo. Thank goodness, it's almost lunch time.

So that's my not-so-sweet spot. All the no-fun parts of restriction with none of the benefits. BUT I also know this means real restriction has to be hiding right around the corner, and I'm hoping I find it next Tuesday at my third fill. Just for the record, in case you haven't kept notes on all my fills (but you should!), I have a 14cc band and have had two fills for a total of 7.5cc (6cc on the first, 1.5cc on the second).

Back from the looney bin...

And I'm still as looney as ever!

What do I have to tell you guys about?

• I miss you guys! I'm sorry I've been a slacker. I am just a bit overwhelmed right now.
• DD is still sleeping with me. Sigh.
• Work is making me C-R-A-Z-Y. Crazier than I already am.
• I haven't lost anymore weight, although I haven't gained any either. Holding pattern...
• Thank goodness, I have a fill a week from today. I really need it.
• I had to cancel my therapy appointment for tomorrow due to a work conflict. Bummer.
• DH has already received his per diem and travel reimbursements. Thank goodness. And he gets paid next Friday. Finally, there is light at the end of the "we're broke" tunnel.

That's it. If I can gather my thoughts enough for an insightful post, I'll do one tonight. Otherwise, I'll check in tomorrow! Smooches!

They're coming to take me away...HA HA!

Does anyone else know that song?

It's my theme song right now. I'm super busy at work and essentially a single mom during the week right now, and my babysitter that was going to start next week just sent me an email about her broken ankle.

I'm going to the looney bin - be back later!