A day late, but not a dollar short - A year in review

Hope you'll all forgive me for missing my bandiversary yesterday. With it falling on Thanksgiving, you know, I was busy stuffing my face full of food. Oh wait, I wasn't supposed to admit that? Ha!

So, what is there to say about this past year that I haven't already said? Not much. I feel like I've shared nearly every thought and experience I've had with my band over the last year with you guys. It's certainly been a roller coaster, thankfully with more ups than downs, but a wild ride nonetheless. I'm having a terrible time composing my thoughts about where I am and where I've been, so how about a few top ten lists to help me sort out my thoughts?

Top 10 Ups Since Being Banded

10. This lovely community, especially the sisterhood without which I'd be either naked or broke.
9. Signing up for a half-marathon. While the training hasn't started in earnest, I am actually looking forward to it. We'll see how I feel after my first 10-mile training session.
8. Lack of anxiety over flying. 'Nuff said.
7. Going down the slide at Animal Kingdom with my daughter before I realized I didn't even have to consider if I'd fit or not. Yeah, I cried that day.
6. Buying a size S/M sweater from Loft. LALALALA I can't hear you telling me it ran large LALALALALA All I know is it has an S on the tag.
5. Painting my own toenails and being able to breathe. I still get pretty giddy about that one.
4. Not freaking out when my BFF announced she was engaged, panicking over finding a dress that wouldn't look like a tent on me. Or looking like a whale next to her since she's a stick.
3. After-hours extracurriculars with DH. I don't think you want or need any more details.
2. Accepting that I can actually lose every single pound of excess weight.
1. LIVING instead of obsessing about food. The freedom I feel is indescribable.

Top 10 Downs Since Being Banded

10. PB'ing. I still hate it. I don't urp up like some - I ralph up pretty forcibly every time.
9. My month or so of being uber-tight. That's a hell of a way to lose weight.
8. Moving and having to find new after-care. I never imagined how difficult that would be.
7. My feet are shrinking out of some of my favorite shoes!
6. Batwings and elephant thighs. I'm learning to accept them, but it doesn't mean I have to like them.
5. Still being fat after losing 125 lbs. I know I've come miles, but I still have a mile or two left to go, and it sometimes really gets to me that I let it go as far as it did.
4. Realizing how poorly I was treated by society when I was fat. I never thought I was, but now I am realizing it was worse than I accepted.
3. Waiting for my head to catch up with my body. This is such a mental game, and to be honest, it's exhausting quite often.
2. My two or so months of depression. I was totally unprepared for the emotions, even though I thought I was prepared to deal with the changes.
1. Realizing I should have done this when my mom first brought it up years ago. I was too stubborn and proud to even consider it.

Top 10 Reasons I Will Lose the Rest & Keep It All Off

10. This lovely community - your support is amazing.
9. I still love food, but I don't LOVE food anymore, if that makes sense.
8. I'm no longer too proud or stubborn to admit when a problem is bigger than me.
7. Going back is simply not an option.
6. My kids deserve this mom, not their old mom. Hubby, too, even if he drives me nuts 90% of the time.
5. I can live with a too-tight band if I have to. Not fun, but I can do it if need be to get back on track or what not.
4. I will NOT add to the stereotype/statistics of "the band isn't as good as bypass/other wls". I am too competitive.
3. My 40s are going to be the best decade of my life (yet), so I have a few more years to perfect this body before I take on the 40s and show them what I'm made of!
2. I owe it to myself and my creator/the universe to make the most of this body. That's more spiritual than I normally get, but I really feel it lately.
1. I'm HOT when I'm skinny!


Finally, a bandiversary post wouldn't be worth anything without a few then and now pics. Alas, I present my befores and afters - 125 lbs less of me AKA 1/3 less of me AKA I've worked my ass off this year and am damn proud of where I am!

October 2009 - 374 lbs

November 2010 - 249 lbs

November 15, 2009 - DD's 2nd birthday

November 15, 2010 - DD's 3rd birthday

November 2010 - feeling like I can do silly things in public and not be "that fat girl"

Quietly sneaking in the back door...

I feel like I am trying to sneak in past curfew without waking my parents up...

Assuming you'll all take me back, thank you for letting me take a break. I desperately needed it. My head feels back on straight. I'm no longer feeling down. I'm happy and me again. I don't know exactly what it is that happened, but a break from thinking about my band 24/7 and focusing on the rest of my life certainly helped. I will say that it's been so nice just 'living'.

Here's a run down of what's been going on the last 5 or so weeks:

• 5 rounds of company for 17 days straight. We finally got our house back yesterday.
• DD turned 3!
• I lost 1 lb.
• My restriction is coming back from my unfill. I just tried to eat chips - um, not so much.
• My BFF got engaged. She's getting married in Paso Roblos next March, so it gives me something to aim for once again.
• I forgot where the gym is! Better get in gear considering my first half-marathon is 3 months away.
• I've inched towards my 1-year bandiversary, which is tomorrow! Stay tuned...

Gotta go check out what you guys have been up to. I can't promise to not disappear again, but I can promise to only do it if absolutely necessary.

And in the mean time, check these out - I'm welcoming myself back by sharing a few new pics of the kids I took this weekend...

Thousand Word Thursday Topic #5

Now that I'm not weeping in my coffee, it's time for TWT to make its grand return!

This week's topic:


Favorite shoes. Need I say more?

I feel my mojo returning.

I'm starting to feel a bit more like myself. However, I also feel a cold coming on. Of course!

On the band front, I am doing pretty well with my restriction. I could probably use a sparrow's fart of a fill, but I hate to waste the time and money on a small one, so I am going to hold off for a few weeks and see how I do. My eating is pretty good - mostly meat and veggies with some dairy and chocolate (and coffee) thrown in for good measure. Ironically, or maybe happily, most starchy carbs don't even appeal to me much, so it's easy to skip those. DH is acting as my STOP button - he can tell when I am slowing down and should stop at dinner, and his "You're there" really does help me stop. For some reason, I don't have a problem with breakfast or lunch, just dinner.

Thanks for all the kind comments on my photos yesterday. I'm toying around with the idea of offering some heavily discounted sessions to see if it's something I want to do. I've batted the idea around now for over a year, so I guess it's time to just try it and see if it's something I want to do or not.

Other than that, I am boring and have nothing to report!

You people...

...are turning me into a druggie!

After all the very supportive comments, I decided to take the Zoloft. I started it Friday. I'll let you know if and when I feel a difference.

I forced myself back to the gym today. 2 miles of running/walking. Going again tomorrow. I have been working on my resume (thanks for the suggestions and leave me your email if you want to help!), getting back into my housecleaning routine, taking the kids for evening walks to the park, and cooking healthy meals. My heart isn't totally in it, but sometimes you gotta fake it 'til you make it, right?

I tried to take pics of my kids over the weekend, but had a disaster instead. I dropped my camera about 4" onto the carpet and broke my favorite lens! WAHHHH! I am lost without that lens, so I am shopping for a new one. I think I'm going to upgrade and use my Christmas/birthday gifts from DH to get a better one, so good news/bad news, I guess. I just need to make a decision soon, as DS just turned 18 months and DD turns 3 next month. I need to take their pics!

And on that note, here's my brag for the day - some pics I took of my friend's newborn last week. I really enjoy taking photos; I guess I really should put a little effort into getting a side business going. Well, that's assuming anyone thinks my work is worth paying for!

Here.

I'm here. Thanks to everyone who checked up on me - Maria, Heidi, Angela...It's so nice knowing I am missed.

I talked to my gyn about my unhappiness/depression/issues, and she prescribed Zoloft. I have the prescription filled, but I haven't taken it yet. I'm just not sure I want to take any meds. Sigh. If I'm debating it this much, I should probably just take them, right? (ETA: It's not that I feel shame taking them - it's the side effects I'm concerned about - weight gain, jittery, insomnia, decreased sex drive, etc.)

Other than that, I am eating crappy and exercising even less. That changes this minute. I have a half-marathon to run in 4 months - I must get my butt in gear. I also have a one year bandiversary approaching, and I'd like to lose at least 130 lbs in the first year, if not more. I also know I'll feel better if I do both of those things. I also need to get a bit of a refill; it's just time and money holding me back.

On a fun note, DH & I just bought Disney passes (they started a monthly payment plan), and we took the kids to the Magic Kingdom for their first visit last weekend. I think we'll head back again this weekend.

Finally, anyone out there a resume expert? If so, would you be willing to help me? I think I have a strong resume, but it needs to be stronger.

I promise to start posting and commenting again. I missed you too much to stay away!

Blah

Sorry I'm not writing nor commenting. Just feeling blah about everything. My band, my life, my husband, my SAHM-ness, my non-working-ness, my house, finances, housework, eating, not eating, weight loss, exercise, lack of friends down here, lack of babysitters down here, and so on.

At least the weather is enjoyable - low 80s during the day, high 50s at night.

I have a gyn appt tomorrow morning, and I am seriously considering asking for a 30-day (or six week, whatever is standard) prescription for something to help break me out of what I think is 'situational depression'. I'm not sure if that's even what it is, or if she'll do anything about it, or really if that's what I even need, but I need something to help me snap out of this.

I'll be back - I'm not even really leaving. I just need a day or two to process this mood.