I got that babbling feeling!

First, a warm welcome to all my new followers! I puffy heart followers! And exclamation points! And comments! So, thanks for taking the time to comment and read. You make me feel all warm and fuzzy, which is good considering the wintery weather headed my way.

Let's see, I am in the mood to babble, so here goes, in no particular order:

-I scheduled my second fill for 1/22, only two weeks from tomorrow. I realize it's a bit aggressive, but there were no appointments for the following week, and I was a bit hesitant to wait four weeks. So, if I need it, I'll go. If not, I'll just cancel. But at least I'm on the books...

-I'm so happy to be on mushies today. I can't remember how I got through four weeks of liquids (pre- and post-op) cuz I was ready to eat my own arm off last night. Goodness, two days, and I was a monster!

-Speaking of, I am eating my first semi-solid food post-fill right now, some soft butterkase (a very soft German cheese.) I am taking small bites and taking it slowly, but so far, no feelings of restriction. Boohoo. But all hope is not lost - it still might happen when I start regular food tomorrow.

-I STILL hate not drinking while eating. Will it ever get better?

-I'd about kill for a Diet Pepsi right now. Will that ever get better?

-The above two questions are really rhetorical, as I know it will, but if you are a veteran and would like to address either of them, I'll happily (ok, maybe grumpily) listen.

-Finally, I went to a support group last night. It was um, interesting, to say the least. Because I had my surgery about an hour away, I wanted to find a local support group. This one is community-based run through a local hospital. At least, that's what their website said. I called and registered and all was good.

So, I show up, decaf skinny latte in hand (my dinner, as I was on liquids), and the room is packed! I was expecting 10-12 people, and there were probably 40 of them! The first 45 min was a physical therapist showing us exercises on an exercise ball. On the one hand, some cool moves. On the other hand, some very basic stuff, and while I know not everyong knows how to exercise, I kind of resent the implication that because I am fat, I do not know how to exercise. Simply not true. I've completed two triathlons and played four varsity sports. I think I get the gist.

But here's where it gets interesting. They were videotaping the group so they could put a clip on their website and show people what the group is like. So they decide that everyone has to go around and introduce themselves and say one thing that the surgery has done for them. About six people in, I realize everyone is saying, "I had my surgery on xx date" - and not specifying what kind. I turn to the girl next to me and ask, "Did you all have gastric bypass?" Long story short, everyone there BUT me had the same surgeon and gastric bypass!

WTF? So, they get to me, I introduce myself and say where I had surgery, when, and that I was banded. The leader says, "I figured you weren't one of ours as you are drinking a coffee." Apparently, bypassers are never allowed to have coffee again. She proceeded to get really snotty about the coffee! OMG. First of all, the website says "Bariatric Surgery Support Group" - it says nothing about what kind. Second of all, just tell me at the door that I can't bring it in. I would have understood, but instead, she calls me out repeatedly in front of the entire group. How is that support? She said about 5 times that I was welcome to come back, but without coffee. OK, I get the message. And you really think I want to come back after that?

THEN after I announced I was banded, the shitstorm of questions starts: Why banding? What can you eat? How much did it cost? Why wasn't it done locally? Aren't the fills a pain? And so on. I felt like I was on trial.

But here's the good news. My weight loss was on par, and sometimes even higher, than the bypassers who were six weeks out. So there! Chew on that with your superior attitudes. OK, I am being mean. Some were supportive and some were generally curious, but some were just down right judgemental. Is that necessary? Aren't we all in the same boat? We just opted for different paddles. But lots of our restrictions are the same, lots of our challenges are the same, and lots of our successes will be the same.

Suffice it to say, I will be finding a new support group. My surgeon does offer a support group, so I might just suck it up and go there - I just wish I could coincide it with a fill. But the group is on Saturdays, and they don't do fills on Saturdays. Whine, whine, whine...

36 lbs gone and other babbles - and an NSV ALERT!

WOOHOO! I lost 5 lbs this week, bringing my total to an even, very cool, 18%-of-the-way-to-my-goal 36 lbs gone. I am beyond thrilled with that!

And I'm even more thrilled to be on soft meats starting today. I had 5 ham-and-cheese roll-ups for breakfast. They were super tasty, and boy, was it nice to sink my teeth into something other than what they serve at nursing homes.

My %&#$@*&%) period is STILL hanging around. Seriously. That blows. I know it's normal to be long and heavy when it's your first post-partum one, but I would like it to go away. Today, if possible.

I also still have a sore throat and a certain two-year old who will not sleep in her own bed. Or even in my bed without me. Ugh. It's time to pull out the mean parent cards and force her in her own bed, but I just don't have the energy. Maybe this weekend. I'm a-draggin'.

Two other things I wanted to mention:

*I hate, hate, hate not being able to drink while eating. I hate the dry, sticky feeling in my mouth. I hate the way the food feels like it sticks on its way down. I hate the lingering taste of the last bite before the next bite. I just hate it all. If you were a big drinker-while-eating, when did this get better for you?

*The Other Amy had a great post earlier this week about food habits/eating secrets that brought you to your highest weight. I certainly had my share.

I almost always, always overate at meals. I always had/have this feeling that I'm going to get hungry before my next meal, and of course, being hungry sucks, so I would do everything I could to avoid being hungry at all during the day. I have never been a big snacker, which probably attributed to this problem. I'd eat to stuffed, get hungry, and eat until stuffed again. Nice cycle, huh? I will say that pre-op + post-op diets have already started teaching me that hungry won't kill me, and I will survive until my next meal.

I also have a bad, bad case of 'all-or-nothing-itis' - in that, I am either on a diet or OFF a diet. Obviously more off than on. But I would be soooo good, so virtuous and stick to a diet perfectly for 2 weeks, 1 month, 2 months, etc. And then when I went off, boy, did I go off. I would eat everything I'd denied myself while dieting plus some. And I'd gain all my weight back plus a few friends. Rinse. Repeat. Talk about yo-yo dieting. I take the crown.

I can't say that I had a huge addiction to any one particular food or food group. I rarely drank regular pop. I did eat my share of fast food, but it was nothing outrageous, at least not outrageous enough to justify 374 lbs. I do love chocolate, but I rarely kept it in the house, so it was only occasional binges. I really do attribute my weight to the bad yo-yo dieting cycle and general overeating at every meal. Large meals at every meal + occasional binges = FAT.

This is why I am so excited about my band. Knowing that I'm not really a snacker and my general problem is overeating at meals, I really hope that my new behaviors + the band will make me successful. I have very high hopes, and since I'm determined to be successful, I have no doubt I will be!

PS - BEEP BEEP! NSV ALERT! NSV ALERT! BEEP BEEP! I went shopping today for snacks for our company's holiday party, which is tomorrow. I was so weirdly detached from what I was doing and had a hard time picking out things to buy. I stood in the chip aisle for like 5 minutes and couldn't decide what to get. Nothing was ringing my bell, when I suddenly realized, I didn't care, since I wouldn't be eating these foods. What an NSV! In the past, I would have been jumping for joy to get to do the shopping so I could pick out what *I* wanted to eat. This year, eh. YEAH!

Apparently, the only thing I've eaten is butterflies!

My tummy is a flutterin' away!

It's here. Banding day. The BIG event!

I lost another 6 lbs this week, bringing my pre-op diet total to 23.4 lbs. I'm beyond thrilled with that!

I have to be at the hospital at 1 and am guessing the surgery will be around 3 or so. We did find out that we have wireless, so I will check in again on the portside, as shrinkingmommy so pun-ly put it (love it!)...see you then!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow...

Anyone recognize the tune? Yep. Sung by the cute Little Orphan Annie.

Did I ever mention I tried out to be in a local production of Annie when I was about 9? This was a very bad idea for a variety of reasons.

I can't sing.

I can't act.

Did I mention I can't sing? Singing is kind of the point of a musical.

I was so petrified when it was my turn to sing with the piano that you couldn't even hear me OVER the piano. In retrospect, that was probably a blessing given how well I don't sing.

Oops, got off on a tangent there.

So, tomorrow. Tomorrow is the big day. I'm starting to flip out a bit. Like most sane people, I'm not too keen on surgery. The whole cutting me open bit makes me a bit squeemish. And I don't do well with anesthesia. I tend to vomit and have a hard time coming out of it. Fortunately, most of the anti-nausea drugs work pretty well for me, so I am hopeful I don't have a tough time with it this time.

Today is clear liquids only. The usual suspects plus I'm allowed to have apple juice. WOOHOO for apple juice! I don't even like apple juice, but it tastes pretty darn heavenly this morning after two weeks of protein shakes.

I am working until about 2:30, then it's off to the derm to remove my stitches and hopefully get the all clear on the melanoma front, then to pick up a few odds and ends at the store, and then HOME to pack and chill with the kids. My mom is coming tonight to stay with the kids, as DH will be staying with me.

I'm sure I'll check back in before tomorrow. I tried to find out last night if the hospital has wireless or not, but we'll probably take the laptop regardless. I sure hope it does - what will I do without the internet?!?!?!

"As long as you don't get skinnier than me."

Told to me by my friend this weekend.

A little back story: Friend and I met several years ago. We both needed to lose some weight, me more than her. We did Weight Watchers Core together long-distance and both had great success. I lost 60 lbs (still had about 90 to go), she lost about 40 to get to her goal weight. Then I got pregnant, gained it all back plus some, and haven't ever truly gotten back on the bandwagon since. She's been off and on the bandwagon since then, and has managed to only gain back 20 lbs at the most. She recently got back to her goal weight for her wedding in June, but has gained some of it back.

We both love to cook and like to exercise (when I'm not so fat, it's so much more fun!), so our friendship has revolved around cooking healthy, trying new exercise (spinning, running, etc.), and sharing recipes/cooking ideas.

Back to this weekend: She is one of two friends I told about my surgery. I wasn't even necessarily going to tell her, but she was coming to visit for the weekend, and I am on my pre-op diet. Plus, with her own weight struggles, I thought she'd be a good support. And really, she is being pretty supportive.

But.

She obviously has some issues with me having the surgery. She's made some random comments here and there, and while they bothered me, I just kind of brushed them off (Example: When referring to this upcoming year and my surgery, "It's going to be a rough year, but I know you can do it." Rough? I was thinking awesome!)

And her issues came to light when I was showing her some of the Before & Afters on LBT this weekend. It obviously dawned on her that I truly am going to lose this weight. And I might not just be not-fat, but I might be skinny. And that comment came rolling out of her mouth. I was stunned. I should have said something, but I didn't.

After thinking about it, I realize that this is more about her than me. It's about her insecurities and her issues with her weight.

However, it was a bit of a wake up call about how my relationships may change as I lose weight. I never thought that my friends thought of me as their "fat friend" but obviously some do. It's going to be an interesting journey.

In other breaking news, I am 54 hours away from surgery! Drinking my last pre-op-protein-shake-breakfast as we speak. I hope to get my bag packed tonight, so we can have a nice relaxing family night tomorrow night.

Just call me Ms. Cranky Pants

Work sucked today. Four hour meeting. A coworker cooked her butt off last night and brought in ALL kinds of goodies that I had to stare at for four hours. Oh, and she baked one of them DURING the meeting, so it smelled heavenly. It was really, really, really hard to resist. Bowls of candy on the tables. I was sitting there thinking, I probably easily ate 1000+ calories at a meeting like that in the past. Mindlessly.

Anyhow, got home and...

DD was cranky.

DS was kinda cranky.

DH is VERY cranky. D stands for damn tonight.

Cranky + liquid diet = Ms. Cranky Pants

I've only got 3 more days of protein shakes and then 1 day of clear liquids and then surgery. I can do this, right? I am so hungry for something, I almost had a pickle. With only 15 calories, I figured it wouldn't hurt. But I resisted...I just want to be able to say I did this without even the slightest cheat.

On brighter notes, one of my dear friends is coming from Chicago this weekend. YEAH! I've told her about the surgery and she's going to drink protein shakes with me. What a friend!

I lied! I LOVE this protein shake diet!

So, I hope you are sitting down. Seriously. Take a seat before you read this. Well, you probably are already sitting since you are most likely using your computer to read this. Unless you are one of the cool kids who surfs the internet with their phone. But I digress...

7 days of protein shakes and not a bite of solid food. 7 days of not-so-much-fun. 7 days of FAT-busting, liver-shrinking goodness. That's what it was!

Because guess how much I lost in 7 days?

17.4 lbs!

Yep. You read that right. 17.4 lbs.

I can hardly believe it!

The funny thing is when I first saw the number, I did the math real quick and thought I lost 14.4 lbs. And I was ecstatic with that. Then I was thinking about where I might be next week and the numbers weren't adding up. So I re-did my math and realized I had been WRONG. 17.4 lbs!

I'm still in shock. Although this has certainly given me the motivation to keep going for another 7 days!

And then there were 20.

Day 7. Finally. 7 days left. But more importantly, only 20 shakes left (I am on total clear liquids the day before surgery.) Yes, I know I will be drinking them for 2 weeks after surgery, but I'm not focusing on that right now, thankyouverymuch.

In some ways this has been easier than I anticipated, and in some ways, it's been harder than I anticipated. Now that I really think about it, the head hunger has been the harder part than the stomach hunger.

For you veteran bandsters out there, how is bandster hell worse than this? I can't imagine! Did anyone try doing a low-carb diet while waiting for restriction? I know I just said I wasn't going to think ahead, but I lied. Now I am curious as to how to make the bandster hell period as least hellish as possible. If that's possible!

Pre-op diet side effects

I know from a medical perspective that the pre-op diet is really to shrink your liver. I can already tell it's working - I have never peed (sorry!) so much in my life, and my mid-section is much less bloated.

However, I've also discovered it has a few other unintended (or perhaps they are intended) side effects:

1. It's already rewiring my brain around the way I think about food. I know I have a long way to go. A looooong way. But it has made me rethink meals, food, eating, and all that goes with it.

2. The strictness of a 14-day liquid diet has made me CRAVE anything healthy. I look at fruits and veggies and lean protein and practically drool. Again, it's almost like it's rewiring my brain to be thankful for when I can finally eat those things, let alone any other food.

3. I think it's curing my sugar and chocolate addictions. These shakes (pretty much every brand I've tried so far, and I've tried 5 or 6) are so sweet. And seem to taste best in some form of chocolate. Not sure when I'll want to eat chocolate again!

4. I'm adapting to a low-cal diet now. Hopefully, I can stick with it and get through bandster hell a little easier having been so faithful on the liquid diet.

5. I am so ready for this part to be over, I'm not even nervous about my surgery. This is a HUGE added bonus!

I'm on day 6 and going strong. I figure tomorrow is 50% of the way there! After that, I'm on the down hill slope. Wheeeeeeee....

5 days down (almost)...

OK, this pre-op diet ain't no joke! Ugh. I'm not struggling horribly, but it isn't exactly a walk in the park either.

Yesterday was DD's 2nd birthday party, and I'm proud to say I made it through the entire thing without so much as a bite entering my mouth. It was hard, especially because I ended up not eating for 8+ hours, but I stuck with it. I want to be able to say I stuck to the pre-op diet 100% without cheating. It's just a personal battle I want to win.

I have realized in the five short days I've been doing this that I do eat partially out of emotion, boredom, and habit. I always knew I did, but this confirmed it for me. It's been a very eye-opening experience, and I fully intend to use these two weeks to my advantage after surgery.

9 days to go...and lots of learning left to do!

I survived!

I had a lunch today as a part of a committee for a board I sit on. Since I'm the head of the committee, if I had cancelled on lunch, they would have just rescheduled to accommodate me. Sooooo, I faked a unsettled tummy (it was partially true, since I haven't felt that well since starting protein shakes).

It was tough. It was at a great Italian restaurant. I almost ordered a bowl of Italian Wedding Soup and would have just had the broth. But I knew that would be really tempting, and even if I just had the broth, I would have felt I cheated. I had an iced tea instead and enjoyed it.

I kept wishing I was on a less strict pre-op diet. And then I realized - no matter what pre-op diet I was on, I'd want what I couldn't have. So if I was restricted to lean meat and veggies, I would have wanted a sandwich. Murphy's law.

Anyhow, one food event down, one more to go. My daughter's second birthday party is tomorrow. I plan to have a shake right before everyone arrives and be so busy that no one notices if I eat cake or not!

Random ramblings

Starting day three of my 14-day pre-op diet. I struggled a bit yesterday - I was damn hungry late afternoon/early evening. It didn't help that DH fell off the I'll-do-it-with-you-wagon, and when I stopped to get a diet cherry limeade from Sonic, he opted to get a whole meal. And ate it in the car with me. Honestly, I wasn't upset - I HAVE to do this to have my surgery, so it is what it is. But I won't lie - that burger and those fries smelled heavenly, and I think I could actually taste them. This is after TWO days. I really am addicted!

Good news on the melanoma front. I saw a specialist yesterday and she said the type I have (melanoma in situ) is 100% curable as long as they remove all the surrounding tissue. I'm having the remaining tissue removed Monday morning at 7 am. I'll have about a 2" scar. And then we made two other appointments for 1 hour each to remove 6 other moles. That won't happen until January. Is it sad that all I could think about is I could be 30-40 lbs lighter when she sees me in January? HA!

DH did a bunch of research on protein drinks yesterday, and he found one that had good reviews on every site he went to. We found it at GNC. It's called BSN Lean Dessert Protein, and it actually is good. We got the Chocolate Fudge Pudding, and we're ordering a Whipped Vanilla Cream and a Cinnamon Bun as well. I don't intend to use protein drinks beyond the two weeks pre-op and two weeks post-op that I *have* to, but a little variety will be nice.

I'm starting to feel a bit ? panicky? smacked by reality? second-guessing? I'm not sure what it is, but I'm starting to realize my surgery is in 12 days. 12! And my life will (hopefully) never be the same. While this is a good thing, I do need to learn to rewire my brain around how I think about food. Food is such a big part of everything we do as humans. Celebrations, work meetings, family outings, and so on. It's always going to be there, so I have to learn how to deal with that. I actually scheduled an appointment with a counselor who specializes in dealing with bariatric patients for the Monday before my surgery. I hope I like her and can continue to meet with her regularly. Maybe she can be my brain lap-band, because I'm pretty sure my brain needs one!

9.29% done...

...with my pre-op diet that is.

4 shakes down, 35 to go.

Lessons learned already:

1. Bulking up your shake with a bunch of blended ice makes it seem sooo much more filling.
2. The clear Isopure protein drinks are nasty. Like gaggy nasty. I only finished it because I paid $3.79 for it.
3. It would be very easy to confuse baby formula and protein shakes. Just sayin'.
4. Adding something to the shake makes it MUCH more palatable. Decaf instant coffee crystals, sugar-free, fat-free pudding or jello mix (the dry stuff), diet soda, etc.
5. Even if you think you won't survive, you will.

I had my moments yesterday when I wondered what the hell I was doing. I was soooo hungry. And I had a rough day - found out that a mole I had removed two weeks ago is melanoma. What a crappy day to get such terrible news. I couldn't even turn to one of my greatest comforts, food. But what a great lesson as well. I survived yesterday, my first pre-op diet day coupled with some terrible news, without falling off the wagon. It was almost like a lesson from the universe showing me that I CAN do this. And I WILL do this.

1 down, 38 to go...

Protein shakes that is.

My pre-op diet is two weeks or 14 days. But the 14th day is clear liquids only (no protein shakes), so I figure I get to enjoy 39 lovely protein shakes.

The first one actually wasn't so bad. I had an EAS Myoplex Original 17 oz Mocha Latte with 42 grams of protein. It's a little higher in protein than what I technically need, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to start off with more protein as I get used to this.

I poured it over a HUGE glass of ice and let it sit for about 10 min to get icy cold. And then sipped it with a straw. It was fairly tasty. The worst part was actually the way it left my lips feeling a bit sticky and dry. Nothing a little chapstick couldn't cure.

I won't lie, however - 3 hours later and I am getting a bit hungry. With each hunger pain, though, I picture my liver shrinking. Wanna help me cheer it on? Sing it with me! SHRINK, LIVER, SHRINK!

On other notes, DH has decided to do this liquid diet with me! Which is very sweet. No messy kitchen for two weeks. WOOHOO for the small things, right? Anyhow, I really appreciate him doing it with me, and I won't be upset if he doesn't stick with it. He doesn't quite have the same prize dangling in front of him - a smaller liver and a lap-band. I know I certainly couldn't do it if I didn't have such a prize at the end. Although watch - he'll lose more weight on it than I do, and he's only got about 40 lbs to lose!

The babbling begins...

I've made the decision to get banded.

There.

It's done.

I'm getting banded.

In 22 days.

YIKES!

Seriously?

Am I sure about this?

Ok, calm down. Yes, I am sure. Eventually I'll start from the beginning, but let me just babble a bit about my consult today.

After getting the kids, DH, and myself out the door by 7:15 am, which is no small feat, we headed out for the drive up to Detroit. Within an hour, we'd found the hospital, the right floor, and even the right suite. Or as DH would call it - the Fatty Clinic. Really, it's kinda the Becoming-a-Non-Fatty Clinic, right?

I was expecting to walk in and see a bunch of Fatties, or band-needing people, like myself. Instead I was met with a wide variety of people, most of whom did not appear to be getting nor have had a band. Turns out the suite has 25 or so other surgeons, so whew! We'd made it to the right spot. Unfortunately, the right spot stunk like hell and was quite grimy. DH asked me several times if there were any other surgeons I could go to. Um, yeah, for twice the cost. I put on my brave face, but I was starting to question what the hell I was thinking.

Fortunately, the exam rooms were MUCH nicer. And less smelly. However, they had one of the SMALLEST chairs I've ever seen. Really? In a room for patients wanting weight loss surgery? She asked me if I was in any pain, and I almost had to answer YES - the chair was squeezing my hips so badly!

Anyhow, after being weighed away from DH's watchful eye, we met with Angela, one of the program coordinators. She reviewed my health history briefly and then Dr. Webber, my surgeon, came in. He reviewed my health history more thoroughly, explained how the surgery is done, and answered my questions. I really didn't have many, since I've been researching the hell out of this the past month.

And we scheduled my surgery for Wednesday, November 25. 22 days. The day before Thanksgiving. I'll actually be released on Thanksgiving. Guess I'll be especially thankful this year!

The pre-op diet starts in 8 days. I am DREADING that part. But I will do it. And do it with minimal complaining. OK, probably with lots of complaining. I already warned DH I am going to be a raving bitch, and he's just going to have to deal with it.

OK, more later!