And there it is...

I never thought it would be me, but lo and behold, my husband is blaming my surgery and subsequent weight loss for my 'attitude problem.'

Le sigh.

Le sigh.

Le sigh.

I admit, we are having some rocky moments (ok, hours and/or days) lately. And maybe my attitude has changed - I don't want to sit around anymore, I want to get stuff done, I want to be active. I am bored watching tv. I'm bored with naps. So yes, my attitude has changed. But what am I supposed to do?

I want more out of life. I am no longer content to watch it pass before me. I go-go-go now, and it is physically painful for me to not go-go-go. I ran 2.5 miles this morning, watched my friends kids, took the kids to DD's ballet class, went grocery shopping, ordered three photo sessions worth of photos, cleaned two bathrooms, did a few loads of laundry, made dinner, cleaned up, and did a few other random things. And I am not exhausted.

So, what is fair? I don't expect him to have the energy I have now, but by the same token, I don't want to sit around. We are having a hard time finding the balance between what I want and what he wants.

I'm not really looking for answers (although if you have some, toss them my way). I'm more just throwing it out to the universe, hoping some solutions will come to me. We're going to try counseling; we need someone to help us navigate this new part of our relationship. We love each other deeply, but I'm not the same person he married, and I don't want to be that person again. We need to figure out how to allow me to be the new me while still being the person he married. And we also need to figure out how I balance my new interests with what his interests continue to be.

I never in a million years thought we'd be the ones in this position. He supports and appreciates my weight loss. But he's not sure how to manage this new person! And honestly, I am not sure I know how to either. We'll figure it out, though, together. At least, I hope...

On other random notes:

• I ran my fastest mile yet this morning - 12:15. GO ME!
• I tried on a ring-sizer. My wedding ring is a 8.25. My new size is 6. Um, yeah, that's why I can't wear it without fear of losing it!
• Running is finally paying off after 8 weeks. I am toning up like crazy. Pants that fit two weeks ago are getting loose. I LOVE IT!
• I'm thinner now than when I started college. Craziness!

Suffering from Fat Girl Fear Syndrome

Seriously, I do still suffer from Fat Girl Fear Syndrome AKA FGFS. You know, the fear of sitting on a fragile looking chair, like a plastic deck chair. Or fitting on a carnival ride. Or the seat belt fitting when flying. Or being the largest person in the room. All those things you fear when you are as heavy as I was and don't want to draw attention to yourself or embarrass yourself.

I really thought I'd outgrow FGFS, but I haven't in a lot of ways. I still think twice about sitting on things. We had a town festival last weekend, and I was afraid to get on one of the rides with my kids.

It is just so strange how the mind works, because in other ways, I forget I was ever as heavy as I was. I plop down on the floor with my kids without a second thought. I tie my shoes without having to take a breath first. I run upstairs to grab somethning without having to work up the energy for 10 min first. Hmmm, maybe it's the day-to-day things that are easier to do without FGFS, which would totally make sense.

I wonder when I will get over FGFS. I don't want to have those fears any more, not even for a fleeting moment. Not that I will ever forget where I came from, nor will I ever not be sympathetic to the girl who is standing in the corner hoping no one notices her, but I want to fully appreciate this body and the life that I get to live in it.

I'm working on it. As much as this journey has seemed long, it's not even been two years yet, and really, it's only been about 3 months since I've been "normal" in terms of weight and BMI, so I can see why my mind isn't there yet.

Oh well, off to do something I no longer fear - RUNNING! Holy hell, I am loving it! Just don't tell Angela or she'll be signing me up for the Princess Half!

It's happening to me, too.

I remember reading some blogs about people who were much further along in the band process than I was, and I would read their blogs and I would honestly think to myself, "Yep, she's full of shit. Totally lying."

And now, yep, it's happening to me, too. And I swear, I'm not full of shit!

I have NO idea what size I really am. I am not really content with my body where it's at. And I feel like I am in the twilight zone.

Now, let me preface this by saying that I AM happy where I am. I mean, I'd be a fool not to be happy at having lost 180 lbs. And you know, I do wear my floppy, saggy, baggy, elephant skin with a bit of pride.

However, there is that part of my brain that has been damaged by being fat for so long that is just not on board with the rest of my brain.

Problemo Numero Uno: I don't know what size I am.

I am not really in plus sizes any more. I am pretty solidly in size 16 on the bottom (some 18s) and L or XL on top. However, regular 16s are cut so differently than 16W. And I have a nice saggy belly now that regular 16s don't always accommodate. Some do. Some don't. I'm not used to that. Pants have always been too big in my waist to make up for my thunder thighs and booty. AND my boobs are shrinking. I'm not really complaining, but I do kinda miss the girls sometimes. I'm still filling out my DDDs, so I must have been much bigger than that previously. I look around, and I see other women's bodies, and I wonder if I look like them. I really have no concept of what I look like. I should take some pics I do realize. Sometimes I feel like I still have sooooo far to go. And other days, I feel like I am almost there. And that kind of leads to my second point...

Problemo Numero Zwei: I am not really content with my body.

I am saggy. Very, very saggy. Part of it is my fault for not working out as much as I should have. But a large part of it is just due to being so heavy for so long. In a sick twisted way, I sometimes miss my round, full belly. It may have been big, but it was soft in a Renaissance painting kind of way. Is that totally twisted? Now my belly looks like it has cross hatch marks on it. Don't believe me? Ask Stephanie - I showed her. And she didn't disagree. You know when someone kind of nods along with you that it's as bad as you think. Because it is. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad she didn't lie to me - Stephanie wouldn't! - but it confirms that it's not the most attractive look in the whole world.

And my thighs. They're horrific. If I have enough wine some night, I'll take pics and post. It's as bad as you can possibly imagine.

Sooooo....

I have 3 lbs to lose until my first goal (190 lbs), 13 lbs to my second goal (180 lbs) and 20 lbs to my aspirational goal (173 lbs and a BMI of 24.9). I can't even begin to imagine 3 or 13 or 20 lbs is going to solve these issues. Because they aren't. These issues are mainly in my head and in my inability to redefine myself as a "thin" or at least "thinner" person.

I think part of it is I see myself now as I thought I looked at 374 lbs. Does that make any sense?

It is just going to take time. And acceptance. The bottom line is I am NORMAL now. I wear a 16. Not generous 16s like I tell myself. Not select 16s like I sometimes tell myself. The other bottom line is I did a lot of permanent damage to my body. I am never going to have a bikini body.  But you know what? Bikini bodies are a dime a dozen. Bodies that have the history of significant weight loss are not. And I am going to strut this for-real-16-with-lots-of-saggy-skin body with pride, and that small part of my brain that is totally fucked up? It's just going to have to get over itself!

One last thing, I have shared my blog with a real-life friend for the first time. HI, D! She's in the process of going through her lap-band classes and hopes to have her surgery before the end of the year. How about a few shout-outs to her to start a blog?! Work your magic, BOOBS!

I don't even expect anyone to respond.

Have you ever put something off and the longer you put it off, the harder it becomes to do? That's how I felt about writing this post. I don't know why. I mean, we're all friends here. I don't have to post daily or weekly, if I don't want to. But I DO want to. But then I start feeling like everyone's stayed in touch except for me, and that I'm a big loser who no one cares if I write or not, and then I let those feelings feed off each other until it's been six weeks since I've EVEN LOGGED IN, because I get all weird about it.

So, there you have it. I am weird. And I let my weirdness feed on itself until I've weirded myself out about doing something that's totally no big deal. UGH. I should probably get some therapy, huh?

Since I last wrote:

• I got to meet Angela. Holy cannoli, she is the sweetest, the cutest, the most motivating. She is simply awesome.
• I completed a half-marathon, in no small part thanks to Angela, who gave me the motivation to finish. It was hell, I was exhausted, but I did it. 
• I was in my BFF's wedding in California. It was absolutely beautiful, and it was so much fun to wear a size 18 dress. And I hired Joey to design their wedding gift, which turned out better than I could have ever dreamed!
• I've intereviewed with FIVE companies and have a sixth scheduled for Thursday.
• I had one job offer I turned down. It was with D*isney. The pay was PATHETIC. Pitiful really. Half of what I made at my last job, and my last job was a small non-profit in one of the most economically disadvantaged cities in the entire country.
• I had to turn down an invitation to join the lovely BOOBS in Chicago, once again. I have already had two girls' only trips this year and am planning another to go see a dear friend who's pregnant when she has her baby next month (ironically in Chicago). I think DH would leave me if I asked for a fourth girls' only trip this year.
• I'm back down to my lowest weight. And think I'm finally ready to enter uncharted territory.
• I realized I've not had a fill in nearly 11 months! Crazy!
• I've been super busy with photography and finally have paying customers!

So, there you have it...I may or may not post again before May, you know, with my recent track record and all...but I plan to!

THANK YOU!

I knew posting here would help. Thanks for the supportive comments, the emails, the phone calls...I especially took to heart those of you who said I had inspired you. I felt (feel?) so lost that I forget that other people don't see me that way. Thank you!

I got to hang out with Heidi yesterday, and let me tell you, that woman is good for the soul.

I chatted with Angela Friday night, and we decided to do a hard-core protein shake/lean protein/steamed veggie "get serious" plan for two weeks. Protein shakes during the day, and lean protein+steamed veggies for dinner. I want to kick start my weight loss, as does she. We're starting tomorrow - anyone else???

I started Zoloft again. I was afraid of the side effects, specifically gaining weight, but it's not like I'm losing without it, so why not give it a real shot? So I am.

And just to clarify a few things, just so you guys don't think I'm a slacker. I live in a vacation home community. Out of the 400 or so houses in our neighborhood, I know of two others that are occupied annually (by old folks, nonetheless). And actually, the one couple has theirs up for sale. Anyhow, the rest of the houses, and I am not exaggerating, are vacation rentals. (Ours was as well until we rented it.) I have no neighbors. Obviously, a bad idea in hingsight, but we're only here until June, so we'll see where we go once our lease is up.

On the subject of babysitters, I'd LOVE to hire someone to watch the kids even once/week. So far, though, everyone I've contacted is $10-12/hour. Without me working, that's something we just can't afford. I am doing a babysitting swap with some of the moms in my moms' group, but that comes with a price of course - having to watch someone else's kids!

I'm not giving up. I just have to remember where I came from:

And where I am now:

The only obstacle between me and success is me.

I suckity suck suck SUCK.

I have a problem. For real.

You see, my head seems to be permanently up my ass. I cannot seem to pull myself together. Apparently, I like my life like this, or I would do something about it. Right?

I thought maybe putting it all out on the table here would help. So here goes nothing.

• I am eating like crap. I know I am, and it needs to stop. But I don't really want to stop. I like chocolate, I like cream in my coffee. I like soda (yep, the big no-no, and I've been committing it.) I'll eat good for about 6 hours, and then it all goes to hell. I have no desire to eat healthy. Thank goodness for restriction so I can't go hog wild.
• I am not exercising regularly. I haven't been to the gym in ages. I am running sporadically, and the only reason I am even doing that is I have this half-marathon coming up in less than 3 weeks, and I am not even close to being prepared. 13.1 miles should prove very interesting right around mile 10.
• I sit around all day doing jack crap. I take the kids somewhere daily (library, Disney, etc.), but beyond that, I don't do much. I have no friends or family here. DH has been working insane hours (24 days straight and counting, 80+ hours/week). I have no one to help me or to lean on or to give me a break. Honestly, I hate staying home with the kids. I hate making breakfast and lunch and dinner and snacks. They eat all the freakin' time. I hate cleaning the house. I hate reading books to them. I hate playing play-doh. I hate pretending to eat stuff DD makes in her play kitchen. Can you tell I hate it all?
• I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am applying for jobs. I think I have a decent resume, but no real bites so far. I don't even know what it is I want to do, though. I know what I am qualified for, but beyond that, I couldn't even tell you what I want to be doing in 5 years.

I've been trying to fake it until I make it. I have 8 photography shoots set up so I can build my portfolio. But then I get all discouraged, because to really make a go of it, I need about $5,000 in equipment that I don't have the funds for. I have been doing a bunch of online writing for pay, but the pay is crap. I made myself a to-do list for every day, and have been pretty good about checking stuff off of it, but the to-do list seems to be getting longer instead of shorter. I put things off that take about 5 min to do, and cause myself a bunch of stress for days while putting it off. I've gotten more involved in the local moms' group, hoping to make some friends, but I just haven't really clicked with anyone yet.

My faking it isn't going really well, though, obviously.

I feel like I need to make the best of this time I have left staying home and having the time to really exercise and do all that. I get all motivated every night and by the next morning, any motivation to do anything is gone once I realize I still have to take care of the kids, feed them, clean, and all that jazz.

So there it is. My giant pity party. My "my head is up my ass" story. I am so sorry that I keep disappearing and reappearing. If I could just get my act together...

Not much to say.

Huh. This doesn't happen to me very often, but I don't have much to say! I feel like I'm going a million miles per hour and getting no where very quickly. The stupid flu really pushed me behind where I wanted to be right now - Christmas shopping is done, but my baking isn't even started. Christmas cards are here, but I am not happy with the quality. And needless to say, they aren't sent yet. I haven't started my half-marathon training, as I cough violently when I move too quickly. Oh, speaking of coughing, DD has been really coughing a lot from the flu. Today, she was playing in her room and coughed so hard, she vomited all over her comforter and in a laundry basket with three loads of clean clothes I was about to put away in her room.

So, hey, I guess I am just full of good cheer and fun, huh?

On the band front, my band is freakin' tight again. I'm not sure if it's the flu and it's after-effects, or if it's just tightening up again. I PB'ed on stupid italian wedding soup today. Good ole' liquids for the rest of the day. I'll give it until I'm not longer phlegmy and coughing, and if it doesn't let up, I guess it's time for another unfill.

What else? Nothing really, so I guess I'll go see what you've all been up to.

Quietly sneaking in the back door...

I feel like I am trying to sneak in past curfew without waking my parents up...

Assuming you'll all take me back, thank you for letting me take a break. I desperately needed it. My head feels back on straight. I'm no longer feeling down. I'm happy and me again. I don't know exactly what it is that happened, but a break from thinking about my band 24/7 and focusing on the rest of my life certainly helped. I will say that it's been so nice just 'living'.

Here's a run down of what's been going on the last 5 or so weeks:

• 5 rounds of company for 17 days straight. We finally got our house back yesterday.
• DD turned 3!
• I lost 1 lb.
• My restriction is coming back from my unfill. I just tried to eat chips - um, not so much.
• My BFF got engaged. She's getting married in Paso Roblos next March, so it gives me something to aim for once again.
• I forgot where the gym is! Better get in gear considering my first half-marathon is 3 months away.
• I've inched towards my 1-year bandiversary, which is tomorrow! Stay tuned...

Gotta go check out what you guys have been up to. I can't promise to not disappear again, but I can promise to only do it if absolutely necessary.

And in the mean time, check these out - I'm welcoming myself back by sharing a few new pics of the kids I took this weekend...

I feel my mojo returning.

I'm starting to feel a bit more like myself. However, I also feel a cold coming on. Of course!

On the band front, I am doing pretty well with my restriction. I could probably use a sparrow's fart of a fill, but I hate to waste the time and money on a small one, so I am going to hold off for a few weeks and see how I do. My eating is pretty good - mostly meat and veggies with some dairy and chocolate (and coffee) thrown in for good measure. Ironically, or maybe happily, most starchy carbs don't even appeal to me much, so it's easy to skip those. DH is acting as my STOP button - he can tell when I am slowing down and should stop at dinner, and his "You're there" really does help me stop. For some reason, I don't have a problem with breakfast or lunch, just dinner.

Thanks for all the kind comments on my photos yesterday. I'm toying around with the idea of offering some heavily discounted sessions to see if it's something I want to do. I've batted the idea around now for over a year, so I guess it's time to just try it and see if it's something I want to do or not.

Other than that, I am boring and have nothing to report!

You people...

...are turning me into a druggie!

After all the very supportive comments, I decided to take the Zoloft. I started it Friday. I'll let you know if and when I feel a difference.

I forced myself back to the gym today. 2 miles of running/walking. Going again tomorrow. I have been working on my resume (thanks for the suggestions and leave me your email if you want to help!), getting back into my housecleaning routine, taking the kids for evening walks to the park, and cooking healthy meals. My heart isn't totally in it, but sometimes you gotta fake it 'til you make it, right?

I tried to take pics of my kids over the weekend, but had a disaster instead. I dropped my camera about 4" onto the carpet and broke my favorite lens! WAHHHH! I am lost without that lens, so I am shopping for a new one. I think I'm going to upgrade and use my Christmas/birthday gifts from DH to get a better one, so good news/bad news, I guess. I just need to make a decision soon, as DS just turned 18 months and DD turns 3 next month. I need to take their pics!

And on that note, here's my brag for the day - some pics I took of my friend's newborn last week. I really enjoy taking photos; I guess I really should put a little effort into getting a side business going. Well, that's assuming anyone thinks my work is worth paying for!

Here.

I'm here. Thanks to everyone who checked up on me - Maria, Heidi, Angela...It's so nice knowing I am missed.

I talked to my gyn about my unhappiness/depression/issues, and she prescribed Zoloft. I have the prescription filled, but I haven't taken it yet. I'm just not sure I want to take any meds. Sigh. If I'm debating it this much, I should probably just take them, right? (ETA: It's not that I feel shame taking them - it's the side effects I'm concerned about - weight gain, jittery, insomnia, decreased sex drive, etc.)

Other than that, I am eating crappy and exercising even less. That changes this minute. I have a half-marathon to run in 4 months - I must get my butt in gear. I also have a one year bandiversary approaching, and I'd like to lose at least 130 lbs in the first year, if not more. I also know I'll feel better if I do both of those things. I also need to get a bit of a refill; it's just time and money holding me back.

On a fun note, DH & I just bought Disney passes (they started a monthly payment plan), and we took the kids to the Magic Kingdom for their first visit last weekend. I think we'll head back again this weekend.

Finally, anyone out there a resume expert? If so, would you be willing to help me? I think I have a strong resume, but it needs to be stronger.

I promise to start posting and commenting again. I missed you too much to stay away!

Hard Headed

Why the hell did I think being that tight for that long was good?

I am drinking a protein shake right now. It's going right down. No problems. No sticking, no having to go painfully slow.

I didn't gurgle last night. For the past few months, every time I laid down, my tummy would gurgle, almost as if I would feel air pass between my two tummies. It wasn't painful, just annoying.

I woke up feeling *normal*. You know how you can feel tightness in the AM? No more for me! I wouldn't attempt a T-bone right now, but I don't have that strange tight feeling.

Lesson learned - I have a hard head.

I can't stop touching myself!

This is a serious problem, my friends.

I have wandering fingers.

They keep caressing my newly found collar bones (might not be visible, but they are feel-able), my starting-to-feel-knobby knees, my hip bones (yes, those ones that I had no idea came up to right under your rib cage), and my starting-to-get-some-sharpness shoulders.

My ass bones are starting to ache when I sit for more than 30 min, but fortunately, no itch to caress them. I really am thankful for that one, as this caressing is almost involuntary. That would be awkward to explain. "No, really, I'm not scratching my ass..."

Will be back with a BYOC shortly...

Royalty that I am, I deserve a TIARA!

I am not sure what the hell is wrong with me. I am sure something is, however, because I am officially, publicly announcing that I, Amy-who-once-weighed-374-lbs, am going to:

RUN A HALF MARATHON!

Um, wait, what?

Crap. It's out there now. You've already read it. Now I have to do it in order to save face.

Just teasing. The gorgeous (and very thin!) Jenny invited everyone to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February with her. I must have been a bit woozy from lack of protein or something, as I was on that invite like a fat girl on cake.

Actually, I'm very excited about it! My very-thin, marathon-running BFF is also going to do it with us. And maybe Southern Belle Jen (please, please, please!), and ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE READING THIS!

Who wants to join us? You get to wear a tiara! And run all through Disney property! And meet me! I mean, it's like a dream come true. And Disney is where dreams come true, so it's meant to be.

My three goals for this are:

1. Run the whole thing. In other words, no walking, except for water/bathroom breaks.

2. Finish with an average of an 11 min mile, meaning my time would be 2 hours 24 min. I'll give myself a time of 2.5 hours to allow for water/bathroom breaks.

3. Be in ONEDERLAND by the race. It's 25 weeks from this past Saturday. I currently weigh 261.4, meaning I need to lose 61.6 lbs in 25 weeks. That's an average of 2.464 lbs/week. That's a pretty aggressive goal, but the training will hopefully help me do it!

So, there you have it. Off to shop for my tiara! (Actually, we're having a small family party this afternoon. I cooked lots of goodies - tell you all about them later!)

No concept of my size

Is anyone else struggling with this?

Joey convinced me to try on a pair of jeans last night that I was 100000% positive where way, way, way too small. Like, I wasn't going to be able to get them over a thigh.

Wrong.

Up and zipped AND I was breathing.

Granted, they were a bit tighter than I would wear out in public, but nothing a few weeks of weight loss+gym time won't cure.

Oh, and they were size 20 from Old Navy! Yes, I know their stuff runs big, but we're going to forget we know that little nugget of information and just concentrate on the fact that I can wear size 20 pants!

But back to the original topic, I would have sworn they wouldn't fit. I honestly have no concept of what will fit and what won't when I look at clothing anymore. It's such a surreal feeling.

(And with this, I will spare you any more posts for the day...unless I win the lottery or Brett Favre issues me a personal apology for his disloyalty to the Packers and the Packer Nation and me, his one-time biggest fan. Oh, or if DH comes home and makes dinner or does anything besides lay on the couch. Yeah, those would all be blog-worthy.)

Not sure there's one title for this doozy.

There's so much to say, I'd do bullets, but it's even too much for bullets, so how about bold headlines?


Working Out with Mick Jagger
Just got back from a great workout at the gym. I really pushed myself, which is ironic, since I really only went this morning to get a break from the kids! I'm having a bit of port pain (I get it every now and again); just feels a bit like a pulled muscle, but I just wasn't in a workout mood.

I did 25 min on the treadmill to start. 10 min warm-up followed by 15 min of alternating 1.5 min run and 1.5 min walk. I decided, while on the treadmill, that since I can't go to BOOBS, I'd do a 5K that day instead while you are all doing the BOOB run/walk.

Then 2 rounds of weight lifting where I upped several of my weights. Ended with a 4.5 min run.

I also got to work out next to this annoying guy (he was on an elliptical) who kept stopping every 30 sec to adjust his shoe. I don't know why but it was driving me fucking. insane. like. no. other.

The woman next to me was working out with a curler in her bangs. Yep, you read that correctly.

And to round out my wacky morning, dude on the weights was Mick Jagger, I swear. Complete with the crazy hair held in place with a white terry cloth headband.


Another goal met & crazy thoughts
I officially weigh less than the lowest point I got to when I last lost weight (early 2007). This means this is the smallest I've probably been since 2003ish? It's the smallest my husband has seen me. It's the smallest my kids have seen me (obviously).

The flip side of this (which I really am happy about being here, I am!) is I am kinda ticked at myself for needing to lose 112 lbs to even get to this point. Sigh. I know there is no changing the past, but damn, 112 lbs gained in 7ish years. And that was with a bunch of dieting in there!

I think what's driven it home is that I am receiving clothes from some very generous bandsters, and I am not saying this to make anyone feel bad for me or tell me how great I am doing (logically, I know I am). But the clothes they are sending me are from when they were their biggest. It didn't bother me much when I was bigger. But now that I've lost 112 lbs and I am STILL bigger than they were to start, I don't know - it's just getting to me. When I was 374 lbs, I would have given anything to weigh just 262 lbs. But now I'm feeling generally dissatisfied here. I guess that's ultimately a good thing, as it'll keep me pushing forward and downward.


Goals
I haven't set any goals recently, other than aiming to stay above 2 lbs/week lost. But in trying to get out of this mini-funk over my "112 lbs lost and still fat" attitude, I thought I'd look forward to some milestones. Assuming I lose at 2.4 lbs/week on average (I'm averaging just over that right now), here's some goals I'm going to aim for:

BIL Wedding (10.2) - 254 lbs/120 lbs lost
Thanksgiving/First Bandiversary (11.25) - 235 lbs/139 lbs lost
Christmas/New Year's - 223 lbs/151 lbs lost
My Birthday (1.28) - 213/161 lbs lost

I know I won't likely hit them all, but I like having goals to reach for. It keeps me honest (kinda like weighing myself daily). The first one, BIL's wedding, is probably the 'biggest' for me, as I'd love to be able to answer "120 lbs" when people inevitably ask how much I've lost.


Random Shit
My band is behaving much better. I ate okay last night. Sticking to soup for lunch, but making meatloaf for dinner. Thinking I am back to a pretty sweet spot. Sweet!

My dad is having hip replacement revision surgery as we speak. He's at the Cleveland Clinic with a world leader in hip revisions, so he's in very good hands, but all positive vibes/thoughts/prayers would be greatly appreciated. His body metabolizes pain meds way too efficiently, and he was in incredible pain last time, so he is really dreading the recovery. I'm keeping my fingers crossed this surgery isn't as tough on him and that this doc will be able to find something that makes the pain tolerable.

That's enough for today! Later, gators...can't wait to see what everyone comes up with for Thousand Word Thursday!

Lots on my mind...

Sorry for the post and run last night. Life kinda exploded around us...more about that in a second.

But first, weigh-in day, and I am down 2.0 lbs this week!!! Bringing me into the 260s and 105 lbs lost. This band stuff rocks!

So, the life exploding thing. I don't know if I can make this long story short, but I will try. Ok, I'm not even going to try, it's not going to be short.

As I've mentioned, DH, DD, and DS are in BIL's wedding in October. I like BIL and SIL quite a bit (or did), and DH & BIL are very close.

I don't much care for my MIL, but I try to be nice, and a good DIL, since DH isn't good about sharing updates about the kids and so on. I called her last night to say hi, and we ended up chatting about the wedding. I mentioned in passing that I needed to call SIL about my mom coming to the ceremony (just to help me get the kids down the aisle as they are 1 and 2 years old...she was getting a hotel room so she could watch them after dinner, so DH & I could enjoy the reception). Didn't think about it again until...

Within an hour, DH's phone was blowing up with text messages from BIL. About how rude I am to assume my mom can just come to the wedding and reception. How dare I. How it's not my wedding and I don't get a say. And on and on and on.

So, I am pisssssssssssssssssed:

1. I said I would call SIL. MIL had NO right to run and gossip like a 12-year old girl.

2. I never said my mom was staying at the ceremony or even coming to the reception. The plan was for her to stand in the back while I stood at the front, so the kids would walk towards me. That was it. She wasn't even going to sit down. Then she'd go hang out in her room until we brought the kids up later (the wedding+reception are in the hotel we are staying at). I would never presume to invite someone to a wedding.

3. How dare BIL assume I'm so rude as to invite my mom. I would never do that. I was going to discuss with SIL if that was how she wanted to handle the kids. If not, fine. It was just an idea I was going to run past her.

4. My mom was going to go to considerable expense and trouble to be there to help us, which in turn helps BIL+SIL. But if it's not wanted, we won't do it.

5. Weddings are public affairs. Etiquette says anyone can come to a wedding (obviously not if it is on private property). But again, I wasn't saying my mom was coming to the wedding, just for the first two minutes. And I wasn't even saying she was coming. I was going to OFFER IT AS A SOLUTION to SIL.

I am beyond livid with MIL and BIL. MIL pulled this shit earlier with the wedding stuff, too, telling SIL I was offended I wasn't invited to the shower. I wasn't offended - MIL mentioned that the shower was last weekend when I was talking to her a few weeks ago, and it caught me off guard, as I never received an invite, so I said, "Oh, I guess I wasn't invited." She obviously ran to SIL and said something to her, because I got this long, hairy email from SIL with all these excuses as to why I wasn't invited. Whatever. I do find it odd that as the only SIL, I wasn't invited. But I wasn't offended, just figured she had her reason. I don't get offended by that stuff. To be honest, I think the whole big wedding thing is silly. I've been married twice and neither was a big, traditional affair. Just not my thing, so I certainly don't get offended over it.

Anyhow, I am so mad that I am serious when I say I am perfectly happy to stay here with the kids while DH goes to Ohio for the wedding. It's going to be hugely expensive for us, and if they don't really want us there, I am more than happy to not go.

As for MIL, I am done. Done. Done. Done. This is just the latest in a long list of ways she interferes with our lives and likes to cause drama. I think I've mentioned previously, but when DH was traveling for work (Mon-Thur for 15 weeks, and then gone for almost two months straight), MIL offered to help me exactly twice. And she lived 1.5 miles away. I didn't expect anything from her, but then she boo-hoo'ed to BIL about how we were moving her grandkids away from her and she'd never see them blah blah blah. Well, if you wanted to see them so bad, you could have come over any time for the 5 months I was home alone with the kidds. Oh, and when that happened (the boo-hooing), BIL called DH and bitched him out for taking the grandkids away and breaking MIL's heart. Well, let's see, DH had been unemployed for six months and finally got a job. It just happened to be in FL. So, she thought we should be homeless and hungry rather than move where the work is, because it inconvenienced her. It's just never ending with her.

Oh, have I mentioned that she doesn't want to move to FL (she's retired) because she would miss the trees (yes, she told us, "There are no trees in FL") and she couldn't bear to miss the changing seasons. Well then quit bitching about missing your grandkids - if you are choosing changing seasons over your grandkids, that is your choice. Sure hope you enjoy those trees for the two weeks they are pretty in the fall. And I really hope you enjoy all the snow, sleet, ice, and freezing cold that follow the pretty trees.

Can you tell I am bitter? I am just tired of all of the shit she stirs. She is extremely passive-aggressive, and loves to watch the shit fly after she causes drama.

She is constantly making comments about the "bad" choices DH has made in his life, about his weight, his lack of college degree, and so on. BIL, however, is perfect, because he managed to graduate from college in 12 years WHILE LIVING AT HOME. Yes, he lived with his mom until he was 30, when he finally graduated from college. Meanwhile, MIL kicked DH out at age 22 when he dropped to part-time. Her rule was you could live at home if you were in college full-time. As you can guess, BIL wasn't in college full-time for 12 years, but apparently, the rules don't apply to him. That's how it always has been and apparently always will be.

I would never keep the kids from her, but I will no longer go out of my way to make sure she sees pics, gets calls, gets to see them on Skype, send her cards they make her, etc. And I will NOT be here when she comes to visit. She can come visit - I'll just take a trip that weekend.

OK, I am done talking about this. It's making my blood pressure go up. I have more to talk about with the whole 'crossroads' thing, so I'll be back when they go down for their naps (hopefully!)

Smooches if you've read this far - you are a saint!

Cross Roads

I feel like I am at a cross roads in my life with regards to two big things - my career and my weight loss.

I'll talk about the career stuff another day.

But today, I want to talk about this weight loss cross roads. My weight loss is slowing. Not stopped, just slowing. Gone are the days of 4-5 lbs lost in a week, and here are the days of 1-2 lbs lost in a week.

I'm half way there. I've started exercising, pretty seriously. I've (only) got 98 lbs (ish) to go. And I still eat what I want, within reason. It seems that these factors combined mean that the weight loss is slowing.

I have to decide if I am okay with that or not. Which leads me to feeling like I have two paths I can chose.

Path A: Be happy with 1-2 lbs/week, hit goal in 18-24 months, and continue to enjoy eating what I want.

Path B: Pump up the protein and fruit/veggies, cut back on the extras (cream in my coffee, evening snack, etc.), be more vigilant, and push for 3-5 lbs/week.

I honestly don't know which path I am going to choose. I realize I can change paths every now and again. Hell, I can change paths every meal if I want.

But I guess what it really is, is that I feel like the 'honeymoon' phase is over. The "these pounds are just flying off me" phase is behind me. It sure was fun while it lasted. And while I said I wasn't going to count calories and journal and all that, I also feel like this is a chance to prove to myself that when the going gets tough, I can get tough as well. I seem to always choose the easy path (not that this is necessarily always a bad thing), and maybe this is one of those defining life moments where I can push myself and see what I am made of.

Or not. I sure love my chocolate!

I know this is kind of a strange place to leave this post, but I'll have more to share in the coming days. I'm just not quite done processing it all...

Interesting morning at the gym

In case you are keeping track, that's three times in four days. Have I mentioned before how all or nothing I am? ;) Read on and you'll get a real sense of it...

I dropped the kids off and headed for the cardio equipment. Got on the elliptical and did "quick start" which automatically starts your time down from 60 min. My first workout a few days ago was 20 min on the elliptical, so I was planning on doing 30 min today.

I got 30 min in and realized I could keep going.

I got 40 min in and realized I could keep going.

I got 50 min in and realized I might as well go for an hour.

I got 60 min in and realized I was just about 10 calories away from burning 700.

I did that damn thing for 61.5 min! And I burned 700 calories.

See? All or nothing!

Here's the other interesting thing that happened. I was ellipticalling away when "Greatest Love of All" club mix by the great Whitney came on. I have always loved Whitney. And I have always loved that song.

Today was the first time I think I ever really listened to the words.

Because the greatest love of all is happening to me
I've found the greatest love of all inside of me
The greatest love of all is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all

I had a moment. I admit. A total moment. Between all your wonderful comments about my new pics and 'do, feeling powerful, and finally realizing that I can do this, I started bawling. On a Saturday morning at the gym. In the middle of a bunch of people working out. Just bawling. Thankfully, I was already extremely sweaty and red-faced, so I am not sure anyone noticed, and honestly, I really don't care.

I had a moment, and I have a feeling it's going to be a defining moment in this journey.

Band vs. Food

I haven't posted lately about how my band treats me, so I figured it was time. I'm often surprised by what I can/cannot eat and how much/little I can eat.

I don't have what I'd consider a "typical" day in eating, but I'll tell you what the last few days:

Yesterday:
B: Homemade cappuccino with 2% milk
L: 1 c. broc-cheese soup
D: 1/2 McD's mac snack wrap + 10 fries
S: Coffee with creamer and 2 Costco choc chip cookies
(Yes, it was an awfully unhealthy day...)

Two days ago:
B: Coffee with creamer
L: 4 oz. of italian shake n bake chicken breast with spaghetti sauce
D: 1/2 c. bbq shredded pork + 1/2 c. sauteed brussel sprouts
S: Handful of M&Ms + handful of blueberries

I realize I don't make the healthiest choices, however, I also am quite satisfied, so until the scale stops or something else makes me change my ways, I'll keep on keepin' on.

I'm often amazed by how little I eat. I mean, really, really little amounts of food. Sometimes I will feel a bit stuck after 2 bites, and I am done until the next meal. And I don't starve to death in the mean time, despite what I used to think would happen if I didn't gorge at every meal.

I rarely eat what I would consider a LOT anymore. Take last night - I had 1/2 of a snack wrap and a few fries. DH had THREE double cheeseburgers and most of a large fries. I'm not too proud to admit I would have eaten the same thing in the past. Maybe only 2 burgers, but still at least 3-4x as much food as I eat now.

Along the lines of what I can/cannot eat, it's also often surprising.

Things that consistently cause me problems, much to my surprise and/or dismay:

• Potato chips - every. single. time. I eat them, I get stuck or PB.
• Thick pasta - not surprising, I guess, just sad.
• Smooshy potatoes - as in mashed, in soups, etc., anything where they get a bit 'gluey', I cannot do. I miss clam chowder.
• Rice - again, not surprising so much, but a bummer for sure.
• Lettuce - especially if it is slimey/soggy (like on the snack wrap, I had to pull it off). I miss salads. A lot. (Thanks, Janice, for making me remember this!)

Things I can eat that I didn't think I'd be able to:

• Pizza - as long as I go slow and it's a thin(ner) crust, I'm fine.
• Tortillas - again, slow and steady and I'm fine.
• Skinny pasta - angel hair and thin spaghetti work just fine.

I'm sure there is more for both lists, but of course, I cannot think of them right now. If/when I do, I'll edit. (This post was much more exciting and informative in my head!)

Finally, in this episode of Band vs. Food, I have to tell you, I still have many thoughts of "I sure wish I could just dig into {insert food here} without having to think about the consequences." Huge bites of pizza, a massive burger, a Chipotle burrito, a bag of chips with a vat of dip, and so on. Sigh. It is totally worth it, don't get me wrong, but 34 years' worth of eating one way isn't easily erased. Sometimes I watch DH eat, and I miss my comfort zone. Which leads me to my final thought - I absolutely could not have lost 94 lbs without the band. My addiction to food is just too strong. Maybe someday, but honestly, I think I'm a lifelong bandster.