I've stopped crying.

And now I'm just bitching!

OK, not really. I am MUCH better than I was 24 hours ago.

I saw Dr. D again this morning. There was some confusion, as I thought they had rescheduled my surgery for 8/24 (instead of 8/31). But it was really scheduled for SEVEN/24. Um, that's next Tuesday. And I no can do. I am in Milwaukee for work, flying with my son there on Sunday and both kids back the following Sunday. And throwing my BFF's baby shower while I am there. Just really not workable. The next available option he had was 8/17. which was 3.5 weeks later. That made me cry (#1 cry) - I had to choose between living with this thing inside me that could potentially ruin my stomach even more and mucking up my BFF's one and only baby shower and my kids' summer vacation plans.

Fortunately, Dr. D is the most AWESOME doctor on the face of the earth. He worked me in on 8/3, so I don't have to move heaven and earth, AND I can get it done sooner (#2 cry).

The bad news is my band is FUCKED UP! For real. If you've seen your band on film, you know it should look like a slash, '/'. Mine is a perfectly round, big, open, 'O', Yep, it has not only turned, but it has flipped and twisted. Which means my poor tummy is being drug up and through the O and then back down. Not good. He said he's seen worse though. I am thankful for once that my overachieving ways didn't have be in first place.

He can't believe I don't have any restriction based on the band's position, but I really don't. Oh, also, my band has ZERO fluid in it, even though it should have 9cc. Yep, it is a mess. I wonder if he'll give it to me as a souvenir!

Sooooo, dear friends, it's bad enough that I have to wait at least FOUR MONTHS between surgeries for my poor tummy to heal (#3 cry).

BUT because Dr. Dr is seriously the most awesome doctor ever, he reassured me that I am NOT to worry about weight gain. He wants me to focus solely on letting my tummy heal. He said he doesn't care if I lose 10 lbs or gain 50 lbs between now and my sleeve, he just wants to see me healed (#4 cry - it was an ugly, snorting, contorted, snotting cry). He said I will get it all off and then some with the sleeve. In fact, he insisted I will be sitting in his office a year from now asking for plastic surgeon referrals because I'll have lost so much weight (#5 cry). It seems impossible, but I know it is true. Whether I have the surgery now or in a few months, a year from now, it won't really make a difference.

There you have it - the latest and greatest from this battling bandster. I have finally stopped crying. I'm still not happy at the prospect of being restriction-free for an additional five months or so, but it is what it is. I didn't have restriction for about six months with the band, so I just need to get in that same head space and do what I need to do.

Thanks for listening and all the supportive comments. Our little blog sisterhood is truly the best!

If I can stop crying long enough...

I'd post about how I have another slip. Which means:

• TWO separate surgeries.
• MORE expenses.
• LONGER that I have to wait to get the sleeve which means that much longer I have to fight this stupid hunger.

I am meeting with the surgeon again tomorrow to iron out all the details. Right now, it looks like the band removal will be 8/24. Once he's in there and sees what kind of damage has been done, I'll have a timeline on the sleeve. Fingers crossed for sooner than later, obviously.

I'm quite upset. Quite. I cried through a conference call at work today. Fortunately, I didn't have to do much talking.

On another note, is anyone on MyFitnessPal? If so, let's be friends. Today is day two of low carb. I need LOTS of accountability!

Update on my naughty band

I finally, FINALLY had my appointment with Stephanie and Jacquie's surgeon today. First, he is AWESOME. I could cry - he listened, understood, and helped. Which is more than I can say for my last surgeon.

He reassured me I would lose this weight I had gained, that I had not failed the band rather the band had failed me, and that he still considers me a success, even with the weight gain and bummer band. I can't even tell you how much I've been beating myself up over this weight gain. I HATE it. I was SO in control, and now? Well, let's just say I haven't been full in six months, I constantly think/dream about food, and I have about four pairs of pants that fit.

We talked about the options:

• Fix/replace the band. As he said, and I would agree, I have been successful with the band. However, in light of my recent issues, the overall band complication rate, and my age (young-ish) combined with my original BMI (very high), I probably need something that is more permanent than the band. In addition, fixing/replacing the band is nearly as expensive as revising.
• Bypass. Great long-term success rates. Still the gold standard in WLS.
• Sleeve. He likes the sleeve because it has the same long-term success rates as bypass with less reliance on vitamins and supplements since it is not malabsorptive. 

Here's the plan of action:

• Upper GI today to determine if I have another slip. I will know the results tomorrow.
• If no slip (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE), then I will have the band removed and revise to sleeve in one surgery on August 31. This would be ideal, since I am self-pay and am not loaded.
• If I do have another slip, then the band has to come out first (mid-August). It would be another SIX FREAKING MONTHS until I can revise, so my stomach can heal. Ugh. For both my waist line and my wallet, this would be a bad option. Therefore, I CANNOT have another slip. It is just not an option.
• The surgeon who did the Upper GI said he did not see ANY restriction nor a slip, although the band is a little lower than he would expect. He was going to discuss with my surgeon, who is supposed to call me tomorrow. I am very hopeful that it is just a leaky band based on his findings and the band's behavior. Fingers, toes, everything is crossed!

The thing that has really sold me on the sleeve vs. bypass (since Amy W. asked) is that there are still revision options with the sleeve. You can still revise to bypass, which I obviously hope to not need, but I hoped that with the band as well. With bypass, you are pretty much at the end of the road, except for duodenal switch, which is a very involved, invasive surgery. I asked him, "If a perfect solution for obesity is discovered in 10 years, would you rather walk into it with a sleeve or bypass?" He answered sleeve, since your anatomy is less changed. And that was all I needed to know.

Please, if you are the crossing fingers, good thoughts, and/or praying type, can you do a little extra for me tonight? I really, really, really need to not have a slip! Thanks!

Here.

I'm here. Thanks to everyone who checked up on me - Maria, Heidi, Angela...It's so nice knowing I am missed.

I talked to my gyn about my unhappiness/depression/issues, and she prescribed Zoloft. I have the prescription filled, but I haven't taken it yet. I'm just not sure I want to take any meds. Sigh. If I'm debating it this much, I should probably just take them, right? (ETA: It's not that I feel shame taking them - it's the side effects I'm concerned about - weight gain, jittery, insomnia, decreased sex drive, etc.)

Other than that, I am eating crappy and exercising even less. That changes this minute. I have a half-marathon to run in 4 months - I must get my butt in gear. I also have a one year bandiversary approaching, and I'd like to lose at least 130 lbs in the first year, if not more. I also know I'll feel better if I do both of those things. I also need to get a bit of a refill; it's just time and money holding me back.

On a fun note, DH & I just bought Disney passes (they started a monthly payment plan), and we took the kids to the Magic Kingdom for their first visit last weekend. I think we'll head back again this weekend.

Finally, anyone out there a resume expert? If so, would you be willing to help me? I think I have a strong resume, but it needs to be stronger.

I promise to start posting and commenting again. I missed you too much to stay away!

UNFILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In case the title didn't give it away, I got an unfill! 1cc!

I went through Fill Centers USA, and I have to say, so far, I am very impressed. The scheduler was so nice and friendly, and the PA who did my fill was awesome.

The PA got involved in doing fills because his son has a lap-band and was having trouble finding a place to get a fill. So the PA approached the physician he works for about them becoming certified - and here they are. He was so congratulatory on my loss, hit the port on the first try, and made me feel so comfortable. He really listened to what I was going through and where I wanted to be, and we mutually agreed on 1cc.

Of course, I'm supposed to be on liquids for 24-48 hours, but in the interest of making sure enough was taken out before we leave for our trip, I'm going to attempt mushies tomorrow, probably for lunch. But I'm hopeful - water and lattes are going down fine, even big gulps.

Thanks for all your well wishes - I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but I've survived!

Can we at least pick a date?

I can hardly read your recaps of BOOBS. It is killing me. Just killing me. (Yes, I am having a GIANT pity party!)

When is the next one? Six months? 9 months? Please don't say an entire year! I'll plan the whole damn thing if you all just agree to come...

I'm really not kidding - a date? Who's in charge around here?

And on the subject of BOOBS, Heidi (shrinking mommy) and I are planning to get together in two Sundays - October 10. I have to email her yet, so I'm not sure where or what, but somewhere between Orlando and south Florida. And probably shopping and food? Anyhow, please come if you are in the area...keep you posted with details.

Finally, I am leaving in about 30 min for my unfill. Leaning towards 1.25cc out - that would take me to 10cc, which is where I first started feeling some restriction. I was initially leaning towards more out, but now that I am not swollen anymore, I am hesitant to get that much out. I hate this guessing game!

10 month bandiversary

10 months = 122.2 lbs and 109.75" gone. Yes, I am happy!

Here's the update on the unfill situation.

I ended up going to the ER Thursday night. I was feeling very lousy and just wanted it done and over with. I called before I went, and they assured me the surgeon would do a small unfill. I asked the nurse before I checked in and she said he would as well. I asked the doc that saw me first, and he said the same thing.

Three people told me he would only do a small unfill.

I was so dehydrated, they admitted me overnight and when I saw the surgeon in the AM, he insisted on a complete unfill. I refused. I asked him if his office would guarantee they'd take me as a patient, and he said no. Well, then I wasn't risking a complete unfill with no guarantees of a surgeon who'd refill me. I was also exhausted (didn't sleep at all - they had me in a 'observation room' with 10 billion other people and refinishing of the floors going on right outside the open door).

Then they wanted me to sign AMA paperwork (leaving "against medical advice"). Well, I refused that as well (could affect insurance paying for my visit), so they finally found a doctor who released me. Sigh.

I came home and called Heidi's doc. They were willing to see me, but the bariatric coordinator (the person I'd be seeing) wasn't thrilled with how my restriction came on and was a bit concerned about a slipped band (even though I had x-rays a the hospital that showed that it is fine), and I could just tell was a little hesitant about doing a small unfill. I don't blame her at all. She suggested I have my original surgeon call the local surgeon to see if they'd take me as a patient. Well, I couldn't reach anyone at my surgeon's office (Fridays are fill days and are crazy), so after many tears and second-guessing (was really regretting not getting the complete unfill at the ER - even debated going back!), I finally made an appointment for Monday with Fill Centers USA. I really wanted to go see Heidi's doc, but I hadn't slept and the thought of driving 6 hours in that state was more than my exhausted mind and body could handle.

So, I am on clear liquids (self-imposed) until Monday. I did try some coffee with cream last night, and it went down OK, so if we are out and about today, I may try a latte with whole milk from Starbucks. I haven't PB'ed since Tuesday (Wed?).

I guess I just have to be the odd-ball. I was reading on LBT, and there were several cases of people like me - the more they lost, the tighter their band got! One woman had to get an unfill after every 20 lbs lost, until she was basically unfilled when she was at goal, and still had restriction. It wouldn't surprise me if this happened to me. It took me such a BIG amount to get restriction - it just seems like maybe this is the flip side of that.

I hope everyone is having a blast in Chicago! I am totally jealous of everyone having a great time while I am sucking down clear liquids. :)

Unfill Update

UPDATE: I am having my records faxed over tomorrow. The surgeon will review on Thursday. Assuming he takes me on, they will see me next week. Here's the interesting part...she asked me again how many CCs were in my band. I told her 11.25cc, to which she explained the large lap-band only holds 10cc. Um, not what I've seen online nor told by my original surgeon. Hmmmm, anyhow, fingers crossed he'll take me on. I don't see any reason he wouldn't, but you never know.

I made the calls.

First, I called the potential surgeon. Of course, they want to see my op and post-op reports before they'll take me on, but as I was explaining my situation to the program coordinator, she said she'd check with the surgeon to see if they couldn't get me in before our trip. She also said I could go to the ER, but I am NOT doing that unless I cannot keep liquids down. Water and my protein shake are going down fine this morning, so I'm fine. I just want to be able to eat a bit more than I've been able to.

Second, I called my old surgeon and left a message for the typically-less-than-responsive program coordinator. I'll give her until 2 pm before I try again and/or other people in the office.

And just so no one panics, I can eat. I really can. I had 2 ham and cheese rollups yesterday for lunch. The day before I ate lunch and dinner with no problems. But I'm having more issues than I'd like. Plus, I've just realized that I am tired and draggy a lot, and I think it's lack of food. If I could eat a bit more, I'd have more energy, thus burning more calories. Meaning actually eating more would probably produce a bigger calorie deficit.

Anyhooooo, thanks for all the kind comments...I'll keep you posted!

It's time.

I think it's time to admit it's time for an unfill.

I really, really don't want to.

But my last fill was .25 cc on May 5, bringing me to 11.25 cc in a 14 cc band. Since then, over 4.5 months, I've lost 60 lbs, and my band is still mostly uber-tight. In fact, it seems to be getting tighter. I keep thinking if I lose enough weight, it'll loosen up. But if 60 lbs didn't do it, I don't think anything will!

I did liquids for more than a week after that fill. I've been on liquids for a week at a time several times since then. I can't eat anything before 12-1 pm. Some days I can barely even drink in the mornings. And now I'm getting tight again in the evening. I just PB'ed on water. I PB'ed on iced tea last week. I could barely get down some homemade cheddar broccoli soup tonight.

I will call tomorrow. I don't even have a surgeon down here yet (my own procrastinating fault), but I have a few options, including the guy Jacquie and Stephanie see. I'm hoping whoever takes me on will do just a little .25 cc unfill or so. And quickly. I am getting tired of living like this.

I hit the wall tonight - I realized I am often tired, because my diet is so lacking. If I really want to run, and I really do want to run, I have to be able to eat more than I can right now.

I know it's not the end of the world. I just am so scared of getting into that fill-unfill cycle, and being self-pay, that's an expensive cycle to get into! But I can't live like this anymore. So, I am admitting it to you guys, and putting it in writing, so I don't back out tomorrow!

Inches and ports and gyms, oh my!

Today is my first official day as a SAHM. So far, we've been to a chaotic and crazy story time; I was hoping to maybe meet another mom or two, but everyone shied far away from the crazy lady who was sweating up a storm and chasing her 14-month all around while he shrieked like a pterodactyl.

DD and I just went for a quick swim while said pterodactyl is sleeping. I think we're going to hit the farmer's market later this afternoon. Ahhh, this is the life!

So, onto my post title...

Inches
I measured again the other night, and I've lost a grand total of 80.5"! Here's a quick rundown:

Neck -2.5"
Bust -6"
Waist -9"
Lower Tummy -9.5"
Hips -9"
Thighs -8" right, -9" left
Knees -5.75" right, -7.75" left
Calves -4.75" right, -2" left
Arms -3.5" right, -4" left

Ports
There's no delicate way to put this, so I'll just say it: Damn, certain positions are not port-friendly. That was a first!

Gyms
Where we now live is great except for the fact that there are no gyms in the immediate area with childcare. I'm going to check out two tomorrow or Friday - one is actually at the hospital where I am hoping to become a lapband patient and the other is a YMCA. They are a bit pricey, but I need to start working out, and with DH's crazy hours and two toddlers, a gym with childcare is about my only option. Not to mention, it'll give me a break from my lovely-but-energetic children during the day! Wish me luck!

Incoherent babbling

Really and truly, my mind is on overload. Finish working, pack house, new utilities, address change, doc appts, new insurance, bank accounts, two toddlers...

AHHHH!!!!!

Let's see - I think it's a good bullet point day:

• My swollen-ness has relaxed, thank goodness! I was able to eat some Hamburger Helper for dinner last night. I didn't overdo it, just because I was terrified of PB'ing again and starting back at square 1. But I am feeling better today as well. Water is going down smoothly, so I am going to go forth gingerly, but I think I am good to go.
• I called my surgeon yesterday about a slight unfill and have yet to hear back. Yes, they officially suck. But since I magically loosened yesterday, I don't need one anyhow!
• I found two surgeons in FL who'll take me on as a patient! One is about an hour away - $200 per fill. The other is about 10 min away - still waiting to hear from their self-pay manager about pricing. Either way, though, I am thrilled that I will definitely have a local surgeon. Maybe even a support group. Maybe even people who return phone calls in a timely manner! Imagine that!
• I officially have less than two days of work left!
• The scale is up almost 2 lbs from my lowest. I haven't eaten enough to account for that, so I was either dehydrated when I got my lowest reading, or TOM is around the corner (I have Mirena, so I'm not exactly regular anymore). Either way, you know what? I don't care. I know it'll come off, and I don't stress it. It's such a freeing feeling! Smooches to my band!
• One week from today, I will be leaving my house for good. It'll be bittersweet - we bought this house with the intention of it being our "forever" house; we brought both our babies home to this house; we love our house. However, it's also been a bit of a drag - the mortgage is more than we can manage on one salary and it was built in 1950, so things are slowly starting to go. Overall, this move is good for us for so many reasons, but I will miss my house.
• I have on a pair of 26 capris from Avenue that I believe Jen sent me. They are kind of a sage green. Anyhow, they are a slimmer cut, and I couldn't even get them over my thighs when they arrived a month or so ago. They fit perfect today! WOOHOO!
• And finally, for my best NSV so far. One of my coworkers shared this with me yesterday. Apparently, earlier in the week, we'd both been down in the lobby. I was standing in the "employee only" area, and she leaned over and whispered to the receptionist, "Who is that over there?" She totally didn't recognize me and thought I was a volunteer who'd wandered into the wrong area! OMG! She said I don't even look like the same person! That is awesome!

Toodles - back to pretending to work for two more days!

P.O.'ed

(Is that punctuated correctly?)

Surgeon's office called. Surgeon is out next Tuesday, when I have my fill scheduled. Next available appointment is May 25.

WTF?

I called and left the PA another message. This is seriously unacceptable. Completely unacceptable. Anyone use Fill Centers USA? I am seriously considering it at this point.

One-fifth of a teaspoon

That's how much of a fill I got today. Or 1cc. It just amazes me that such a small amount of liquid could really make a difference, but I am oh-so-hopeful that it does.

Water is going down fine, but I can kinda feel a little of it still in the back of my throat after I swallow. The PA assured me this is fine.

When they asked about my restriction, I said I feel physically full when I eat, but I have no relief from hunger. I couldn't quite describe what I was feeling, but the PA said she totally understood, and while she can't guarantee anything, she said when people feel that, the next fill generally is THE sweet one. Oh, please please please let it be!

I also asked her about my band. I'm now at 11cc in a 14cc band. Of course, knowing that even after I get to restriction, I'll need to be topped-off every now and again, and that makes me nervous, because I only have 3cc's to go. She said she's never had a patient max out their band, and that the good news about it taking more cc's to get to restriction is that it often times mean that restriction is longer-lasting without needing a top-off. In other words, since I'm already at 11cc, assuming this is my sweet spot, I might not need a top-off for several months. And then from there, maybe yearly. I'm not getting my hopes up just yet, but it does make sense!

Alrighty, my friends, I gotta get some work done, since I just got here about 45 min ago. Talk about a short day!

Speeding towards restriction...

My first fill is done! I am so excited, as I have 6 cc in my band now! (I have an AP Large, which holds 14 cc.) I know I won't most likely get restriction from this, but some people do, so I am crossing my fingers and toes (but not my legs because they are still too chubby).

The experience itself wasn't a bit painful, except for the hour long wait in the waiting room with some of Detroit's finest. Sorry to be so blunt, but man, it was STINKY. Ugh.

The funny part is I was so anxious to get my fill and get an aggressive one, and then when it was over, I was scared to death to drink water. How pathetic is that? Once the MA convinced me I'd be fine, it went down without a hitch.

I'm on clear liquids today, thickened liquids tomorrow, mushies Thursday, and back to normal food as tolerated on Friday. Too bad I am S-T-A-R-V-I-N-G already. This sucks. But I will survive.

I feel like a bonified bandster now. Where's my "cool kid club" card?

Anyhow, the program coordinator was thrilled with my progress. According to their scales, I've lost 31 lbs. My scale is much closer to 40 lbs, which kinda annoyed me, but hey, whatever.

The other thing is that now they weigh on this fancy Tanita scale which prints out this whole little report for you. Here's today's report:

Height: 5'10"
Weight: 340.5 lbs
BMI: 48.9
BMR (base metabolic rate): 2308 calories
Fat %: 54.5%
Fat Mass: 185.5 lbs (holy crap, that's a lot of fat)
Fat-Free Mass: 155.0 lbs
Total Body Water: 113.5 lbs
Target Body Fat %: 27%
Predicted Weight: 212 lbs
Predicted Fat Mass: 57 lbs
Fat to Lose: 128.5 lbs (holy crap, that's a lot to lose)

So, of course, I get hung up on the 212 lbs as my predicted weight. Uh-uh. No way. I am NOT stopping at 212 lbs. I realize this is over 100 lbs away, but it already feels like a challenge to me. Realistically, 212 lbs is probably a size 16 for me, but I just don't want to have my weight start with a 2. But I think I should focus on getting out of the 3s before I worry about it too much, right?

Anyhow, so what was the point of this post? Oh yes - 6 cc fill and 188 lbs of fat on my body. Here's to hoping for restriction!

The babbling begins...

I've made the decision to get banded.

There.

It's done.

I'm getting banded.

In 22 days.

YIKES!

Seriously?

Am I sure about this?

Ok, calm down. Yes, I am sure. Eventually I'll start from the beginning, but let me just babble a bit about my consult today.

After getting the kids, DH, and myself out the door by 7:15 am, which is no small feat, we headed out for the drive up to Detroit. Within an hour, we'd found the hospital, the right floor, and even the right suite. Or as DH would call it - the Fatty Clinic. Really, it's kinda the Becoming-a-Non-Fatty Clinic, right?

I was expecting to walk in and see a bunch of Fatties, or band-needing people, like myself. Instead I was met with a wide variety of people, most of whom did not appear to be getting nor have had a band. Turns out the suite has 25 or so other surgeons, so whew! We'd made it to the right spot. Unfortunately, the right spot stunk like hell and was quite grimy. DH asked me several times if there were any other surgeons I could go to. Um, yeah, for twice the cost. I put on my brave face, but I was starting to question what the hell I was thinking.

Fortunately, the exam rooms were MUCH nicer. And less smelly. However, they had one of the SMALLEST chairs I've ever seen. Really? In a room for patients wanting weight loss surgery? She asked me if I was in any pain, and I almost had to answer YES - the chair was squeezing my hips so badly!

Anyhow, after being weighed away from DH's watchful eye, we met with Angela, one of the program coordinators. She reviewed my health history briefly and then Dr. Webber, my surgeon, came in. He reviewed my health history more thoroughly, explained how the surgery is done, and answered my questions. I really didn't have many, since I've been researching the hell out of this the past month.

And we scheduled my surgery for Wednesday, November 25. 22 days. The day before Thanksgiving. I'll actually be released on Thanksgiving. Guess I'll be especially thankful this year!

The pre-op diet starts in 8 days. I am DREADING that part. But I will do it. And do it with minimal complaining. OK, probably with lots of complaining. I already warned DH I am going to be a raving bitch, and he's just going to have to deal with it.

OK, more later!