Good news, bad news, good news...

I know, I'm a terrible blogger these days. I'm sorry.

So, things have been really crazy at home, and DH and I haven't even really had a chance to talk about things other than housework, child care, etc. Things are perhaps a bit better, and certainly not worse. I guess they are more in a holding pattern than anything.

Ready for some other updates?

GOOD NEWS: There are some changes brewing in our lives (yes, again) that are HUGE. HUGE HUGE HUGE. Really good changes. Please keep me in your thoughts as they will or won't pan out over the next few days. Fingers are so tightly crossed, I can barely type.

BAD NEWS: I have been sick since the day after Christmas. It all started with a really bad cough that was the worst at night. I barely slept for a few days, so I finally went to the doctor and got some meds. In the mean time, with all the coughing, mucus, and non-sleeping, I just couldn't eat. I was nauseous all the time and just generally not interested in food.

The cough was so bad that I vomited several times during that first week. Then the coughing/vomiting morphed into a really bad case of reflux at night. I would wake up choking on stomach acid. I couldn't even sleep with five pillows under my head. I finally ended up in the ER, because any time I attempted to eat or drink, I would get severe lower back pains. Like worse than labor or kidney stone pains. And I had unrelenting nausea. Bloodwork, rectal exam (so fun), CT scan, and urinalysis later, it was determined that I was just severely dehydrated and malnourished. Their solution was to send me home with instructions to eat and drink. Ha, eating or drinking caused pain. I no likey pain. So I no eatey or drinky.

Obviously, that's no way to live, so I made yet another appointment with my MD. Now, if you are smarter than me, or perhaps an MD, you've probably already suspected a band issue. I did not. Partly because the ER's CT scan said my "gastric band is in place." Partly because I didn't want it to be true. Partly because I would never connect lower back pain with a band in my upper front.

A few phone calls to a bariatric surgeon and an x-ray later, it was determined my band has slipped.

Sigh.

Unfortunately, now it's Friday at 4 pm, so my options are to be admitted to the hospital for the weekend or to tough it out at home. I opted to go home. Between Friday at 4 pm and my appointment with my new bariatric surgeon on Monday at 11 am, I ate nothing and drank less than 4 ounces. Again, me no likey pain.

The surgeon took one look at my x-ray and unfilled me completely. I had almost immediate relief. I've been able to eat and drink. I have an upper GI tomorrow, and another visit with him later this week. He's very hopeful it'll go back, but of course, I'm still nervous, especially since I am self-pay. It's one thing to pay to get a band, it's an entirely other to pay to take it out. That would suck. But he said he's fairly confident it'll go back to where it should be.

Thankfully, Angela kept me grounded and didn't let me jump off the ledge, even though I was about to!

I'll take any good vibes you have and keep you posted.

GOOD NEWS: I lost a bunch of weight, thanks to not eating. And even with eating and drinking yesterday, the scale was down again this morning. 176.2 lbs! HOLY CRAP!!!! I am within 4 lbs of my goal weight. AMAZING. I am in disbelief. I have lost 198.2 lbs, if I am doing the math right.

HELLLLLLLLO!

Hi! Thanks, Trisha, for encouraging me to post. It's not that I don't love you guys, but honestly? I'm loving life right now, and most hours of most days are full. It was a lot easier to post when I worked, as I had eight hours to waste. ;)

Now my days are full of working from home a few hours each day, taking the kids somewhere daily, cleaning the house, and being Suzy Homemaker. I actually am enjoying it. I feel like we've finally got a schedule established, which is so good for me, as while I don't like being disciplined, I thrive with discipline. Isn't that how it always is?

So, what's going on? Stephanie (I dream of high heels) is so sweet. She came all the way to my house this weekend, just to bring me a swag bag from BOOBS. Isn't she awesome?! I am going to try my darnedest to be there next year, but with two kids who need tending to and a husband who doesn't have enough time off work to tend to said kids and with no one else to really watch them, that time of year is just really hard for me. Not to mention, my BFF lives in Milwaukee, and another dear friend lives in Chicago, so no way could I head to their neck of the woods without making a few days for each of them. Which means a long weekend turns into at least a week trip. And said kiddos still need tending to! Anyhow, I digress, I am going to see what I can do to be there next year!

I have another hiatal hernia. I have had some heartburn, but I figured it was all band-related. Nope.

I started running. Yet again. Who's all doing the princess half? I might, might, might be in. We'll see. I'm actually enjoying running this time, which has never really happened before.

I'm down to 187.6 lbs! .4 more lbs and I'll have lost half of myself. That's a great reason to do another half, huh?!

I took measurements today, and since the beginning, I have lost 139.25" total:

3.25" - neck
15" - bust
16" - waist
18.5" - lower belly
17.75" - hips
6" - each arm
13" - each thigh
9.5" - each knee (crazy, huh?!)
6" - each calf

I think that's about it from my boring yet enjoyable life...Later!

It's happening to me, too.

I remember reading some blogs about people who were much further along in the band process than I was, and I would read their blogs and I would honestly think to myself, "Yep, she's full of shit. Totally lying."

And now, yep, it's happening to me, too. And I swear, I'm not full of shit!

I have NO idea what size I really am. I am not really content with my body where it's at. And I feel like I am in the twilight zone.

Now, let me preface this by saying that I AM happy where I am. I mean, I'd be a fool not to be happy at having lost 180 lbs. And you know, I do wear my floppy, saggy, baggy, elephant skin with a bit of pride.

However, there is that part of my brain that has been damaged by being fat for so long that is just not on board with the rest of my brain.

Problemo Numero Uno: I don't know what size I am.

I am not really in plus sizes any more. I am pretty solidly in size 16 on the bottom (some 18s) and L or XL on top. However, regular 16s are cut so differently than 16W. And I have a nice saggy belly now that regular 16s don't always accommodate. Some do. Some don't. I'm not used to that. Pants have always been too big in my waist to make up for my thunder thighs and booty. AND my boobs are shrinking. I'm not really complaining, but I do kinda miss the girls sometimes. I'm still filling out my DDDs, so I must have been much bigger than that previously. I look around, and I see other women's bodies, and I wonder if I look like them. I really have no concept of what I look like. I should take some pics I do realize. Sometimes I feel like I still have sooooo far to go. And other days, I feel like I am almost there. And that kind of leads to my second point...

Problemo Numero Zwei: I am not really content with my body.

I am saggy. Very, very saggy. Part of it is my fault for not working out as much as I should have. But a large part of it is just due to being so heavy for so long. In a sick twisted way, I sometimes miss my round, full belly. It may have been big, but it was soft in a Renaissance painting kind of way. Is that totally twisted? Now my belly looks like it has cross hatch marks on it. Don't believe me? Ask Stephanie - I showed her. And she didn't disagree. You know when someone kind of nods along with you that it's as bad as you think. Because it is. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad she didn't lie to me - Stephanie wouldn't! - but it confirms that it's not the most attractive look in the whole world.

And my thighs. They're horrific. If I have enough wine some night, I'll take pics and post. It's as bad as you can possibly imagine.

Sooooo....

I have 3 lbs to lose until my first goal (190 lbs), 13 lbs to my second goal (180 lbs) and 20 lbs to my aspirational goal (173 lbs and a BMI of 24.9). I can't even begin to imagine 3 or 13 or 20 lbs is going to solve these issues. Because they aren't. These issues are mainly in my head and in my inability to redefine myself as a "thin" or at least "thinner" person.

I think part of it is I see myself now as I thought I looked at 374 lbs. Does that make any sense?

It is just going to take time. And acceptance. The bottom line is I am NORMAL now. I wear a 16. Not generous 16s like I tell myself. Not select 16s like I sometimes tell myself. The other bottom line is I did a lot of permanent damage to my body. I am never going to have a bikini body.  But you know what? Bikini bodies are a dime a dozen. Bodies that have the history of significant weight loss are not. And I am going to strut this for-real-16-with-lots-of-saggy-skin body with pride, and that small part of my brain that is totally fucked up? It's just going to have to get over itself!

One last thing, I have shared my blog with a real-life friend for the first time. HI, D! She's in the process of going through her lap-band classes and hopes to have her surgery before the end of the year. How about a few shout-outs to her to start a blog?! Work your magic, BOOBS!

I can feel the love!

I really felt loved yesterday with all the supportive comments, so thank you!

I weigh less than my DL says I do!

My weight starts with a 1!

It's surreal.

I'm working really hard to get some house projects done this week, then a dear friend is in town next week, and finally the following week, I am going to get back to working out.

I've got my morning and afternoon routines down, I'm getting my regular work hours in, and I am finally just about ready to get serious about working out.

I'm going to try a gym in the area. It's the only one with childcare, so it's my only option. I would love to not join a gym, but I am not sure if that is feasible with two toddlers that don't nap, two toddlers who hate being in the stroller for more than 2.2 seconds, and a husband who works 10+ hours/day. We'll see - I've debated trying videos again when the kids are home, or going running right when the husband walks in the door. But these aren't really ideal. I have a friend who works out 3-4 days/week at the gym at 4 pm, which would actually be ideal for me. So, we'll see. The bottom line is I need to do whatever is going to work for me long-term.

I need to exercise. I need to exercise. I need to exercise.

There. I said it publicly, so now I must do it!

Ahem! Attention, attention, ATTENTION!

Approaching the motherland (with pics!)

I hear the motherland calling...I weighed 201.4 lbs this morning! I cannot believe I am almost below 200. I want to find a scale where you have to slide the little thingie over to where you think you might fall. You know the ones I am talking about, right? The ones fat girls dread, because the little slider has to go further and further to the right. Yeah, well, I want to weigh on one of those, so I can keep that sucker at 150 instead of 350!

We went to the Jersey Shore for my cousin's wedding this weekend. It was tons of fun - boardwalk, beach, wedding, food, family, friends, fun. I got to see the Jersey Shore house! It was the highlight of my weekend. Actually, the highlight of my weekend was feeling normal. Although my family is workout nuts (one cousin has done two ironmans, aunt and uncle run marathons, other cousin is a physical therapist, other cousin runs marathons around the world - literally), I still didn't feel overly conscious of myself. It was wonderful!

A few pics of our weekend...

Oh yeah, who's OVERWEIGHT?!?!?!?!

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!!

That's right - as of this morning, I am no longer obese! I am officially 'only' overweight!

I started with a BMI of 53 or 54 and am now at 29.9.

I wore a pair of pants from the one and only Lynda yesterday. Size 14. No W. Yes, they are generous, but a 14 nonetheless. And a size L top from the one and only Jacquie.

I looked damn good.

And I feel even better!

We are flying next week, and I have literally NO stress about it. I packed a box of stuff for us, and I packed a size 16 dress, an XL dress, a size 16 skirt, and a pair of size 16 capris. Who's clothes are these?

My band is being a bit fickle the past two days - probably means TMI is on its way - but honestly, I don't even care. It's sooooooo worth it!

New face shots!

I took the kids to toddler time at the fire station yesterday. It was hotter than hell, which had nothing to do with the fire fighters, and everything to do with the fact that it is mid-August in FL. No breeze, 1000% humidity, and 90+ degrees at 9 am.

Anyhow, I didn't think these pics were anything that great until I shared them on FB. I literally had 10 messages about how people barely recognized me! I went and looked again, and well, I guess I am looking good. ;) It's weird, because you get used to looking at yourself in the mirror every day, so you don't really see it. However, I will say that these last 50+ lbs I've lost are almost more noticeable than the first 100+ lbs I lost. I think I've entered that 'sculpting' phase.

So, without further adieu:

374 lbs

212 lbs

I feel like a teenager

I cannot shave without cutting myself anymore. First I thought I had a dull blade. Then I thought maybe it was the new water. Or I was reverting in my skills. Or I was going blind.

Then I realized my skin is so damn droopy around my knees and in my arm pits that I can't really help but cut myself when I shave. Seriously, my armpits are AWFUL, as is the skin around my knees. We won't even talk about my belly or upper thighs, but thankfully, I don't have to shave those areas (yes, I am one of those girls who does not shave her thighs - partly lazy, partly thanks to the very fine, blonde hairs from my Danish heritage).

I have to pull the skin taut with one hand while skillfully maneuvering the razor with the other. It takes two steady hands and lots of shaving cream. Do you think the au natural look is going to come back any time soon? I'd be the first one on that trend!

Remember me?

Hey! I am back!!!!!

We're moved in. Totally not unpacked. Still exhausted. But happy as can be.

All is good on the band-front. I am in a really good place - I can eat most things, but not much of them. I am really, really happy with it. I do have a bit of heartburn, but I take a daily Zantac, which completely controls it. I have learned that I cannot eat within about two hours of bedtime, or I pay for it. But other than that, I am LOVING it right now. Rarely hungry, can eat what I want, and I am still losing.

Yep, I'm down to 212.8 lbs. That's 160+ lbs lost! Less than 5 lbs until I am no longer obese. YEAH BABY!!!!

Off to see what you guys have been up to. Smooches!

Who's a Bad A$$?

Me, that's who!

You know why?

I've lost 150 mother fuckin' lbs!

150.

ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS!

That's 1 x 150.

Or 10 x 15.

Or 6 x 25.

Or 3 x 50.

Or 2 x 75.

No matter how you do the math, I have lost 150 lbs!

I think even more incredible to me is I only have 34 lbs left until my first goal. That's how much "normal" people need to lose. 34 lbs ain't shit!

In other news, I got the job! YEAH! The house hunt isn't going quite as well. Whoever said this is a buyer's market lied. We made an offer on one house that had been on the market for 3 days, and we had major competition. We still haven't heard, which I guess means it's not ours. We're heading out again tonight, because we have to be out of our rental in 24 days. To say I am stressed would be a bit of an understatement. Ha!

Word 2.0.

So, what's been going on with me?

• I chopped my hair off ala Sienna Miller's short style. It's not quite what I was requesting, but I still LOVE it. Five minutes, and I'm styled and good to go all day. Plus, I think it makes my face look even thinner - sweet bonus!
• DH & I are most likely making an offer on a house this week. It's super cute, in a great school district, and centrally located. I'm excited - keep those fingers crossed that it goes through for us!
• I have been back to the gym for about 10 days now. I am LOVING it. For the first time, I feel like I'm working out just for my mental and physical health. Not to lose weight, not to train for some event, not because I have to. Just because I want to. And the break from the kids is nice too!
• I have barely any appetite lately. My band got SUPER tight again, but I rode it out and now I'm at a really good place. I was getting some weird upper back pain when I ate something "too" solid, but I haven't PB'ed in months, and the pain finally went away. (Has anyone else ever had this?!). I am loving this no-appetite thing, and the only reason I remember to eat is because I get a headache and/or cranky when I'm too hungry. HA!
• On the job front, DH & I sat down and discussed me working FT vs. PT. Our lives would be so chaotic and crazy if I went back to work with the hours he's been working (12 hrs/day, 6 days/week), but we need me to work (financially and for my sanity). A friend recommended me to do what she does (search engine evaluation for Google), and I am just waiting on my test results to find out if I got the job. It pays really well for a work-from-home job, and it's really flexible (work as many or as few hours per week as you want), so again, please keep those fingers crossed. I really, really want it!
• Guess that's about it!

Word.

I'm still losing! I know, usually when I disappear, I'm gaining. But this time, I've actually been eating right, going to the gym, cutting off my hair, working on getting an work-from-home-job (yeah!), making an offer on a house (!!!), and generally trying to keep my life moving in the right direction.

I am down 144 lbs to 230.4 lbs! I am loving it. I wore a size 16 jean skirt from Old Navy today (given to me by Heidi). A SIZE 16!!!!!! My 20s are getting too big, although I don't really have any 18Ws (hint, hint - anyone need to clean out their closet and contribute to the sisterhood? Shorts, skirts, dresses, capris?)

I'll write more tomorrow. Promise promise! Smooches!

541 days ago, I took my life back.

18 months + 1 day ago, I was banded. I could go on and on about how it was one of the best decisions I've ever made, but you know what? We all know that. How about I let the numbers and pictures speak for themselves?

133 lbs lost

111.75" lost

20 BMI points lost

Body shot comparisons - click on the pic for full-size version

 Facial Comparison - again, click for full-size.

 And my fav!

the above shots super-imposed, so you can see how much narrower my shoulders are!

Thoughts on hunger and fills...

Someone asked about my fill level yesterday, which got me to thinking, which is always dangerous. HA!

Anyhow, I am currently at about 10.5 or 11 in a 14 cc band. I was as high as 11.5 or so, but that fill gradually got tighter until I had a small unfill about 6 months ago. If I'm being honest, I could use another small unfill, but I'm not PB'ing, so I am going to ride it out for another 10 lbs or so to see if it loosens up at all.

But here's what I was thinking. I never got that FULL feeling. Ever. Even when I was too tight. I have always had that "full up top, still hungry down below" feeling. Like my pouch was phsyically full, but it didn't really do anything for the sensation of hunger.

That being said, my feelings of hunger have diminished greatly. I honestly think it's learned. It's 90% a head game. I know, I know, everyone already knows it's a head game. It's not like this is earth-shattering, breaking news. But it is for me. I think I finally have accepted that the band has done more for my head than it did for my stomach.

I have been banded almost 18 months, and I am just kind of used to how my hunger levels feel. I rarely feel REALLY hungry, and I rarely feel REALLY full. Don't get me wrong, I get hungry, but it's not a consuming hunger. It's more like a "I should eat something, because I'm feeling a bit weak/headachy/hollow." Likewise, I do get full, but it's never a "I just ate so much, I'm gonna bust" feeling. It's more like a "I've had some food, and that's enough. It's too much work to eat more" feeling.

I guess my point is I was looking for this elusive FULL feeling, which is why I ended up too filled. It never happened. But my hunger is now totally manageable. It doesn't control my every waking thought now. There are days where I wish I could just eat to feel that FULL feeling, but of course, I can't. Which is the whole point of the band, right?

And with that, I'm proud to announce I am down 130 lbs! And my BMI is now 35, on the nose. Sweet!

Bullet time

• Life is going at warp speed. I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since I posted. I swear, I thought it was about 3 days!
• I have two very promising job interviews coming up. Please send any good job vibes you have my way!
• It's been more than a year since my last fill! Seriously! My last fill was Cinco de Mayo 2010. If you are having a hard time finding restriction, do not despair. It took me FOREVER to get it and then once I got it, it's been awesome. Although I keep losing, and my band keeps getting tighter. Grrr...
• Still mostly on the low-carb bandwagon. I have had some carbs here and there, as my tight band makes eating low-carb difficult sometimes.
• I am down to 245 lbs! My collarbones are popping out, and my face actually looks kind of thin to me.
• A friend posted some pics of me on Facebook, and for the first time ever, I wasn't disgusted. I looked normal.
• I might wear a size 18W suit to my interview! I wore it my first day at my first real job in 2000. And it fits. It has NO give (it's a linen blend). And it fits. It fits. It FITS. IT FITS!
• I got to spend the day with Heidi a few weeks ago. I can't even tell you guys how awesome she is. AWE to the SOME. Seriously.
• I promise to do some progress pics this week.
• I guess that's about it. Off to catch up with my lovely bandster bloggers!

VIRGIN ALERT! VIRGIN ALERT!

I am officially in virgin fat territory! In case you don't know what that is, that is a weight you've not been for a long, long, long time (whatever you determine that time to be). For me, of course, I was at 249.6 (or maybe .8) in September, and then I maintained/gained for several months. But before that, the last time I was at 249.2 lbs was probably sometime in 2003, so eight or so years. HOLY COW! Eight freakin' years.

I just finished day 3 of Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. It's a good workout for 20 min. I feel accomplished but not dead at the end. I had two realizations today while doing it:

1. My tummy (I refuse to call it an apron - ugh!) is really impeding my workout. It's gross, but it flops so hard, it hurts. Jumping jacks are the worst. And then Jillian starts in on how there's no modified move for jumping jacks, because even her 400 lb clients can do it. And then I feel bad. And then I realized I can mute her, so I did, and worked out to my iPod instead. Anyhow, I should probably get a doctor and start documenting this in hopes of getting plastic surgery covered by insurance in the future.

2. While the workout is difficult, I found myself wondering why it wasn't harder. That's when I realized, it's not nearly so bad to start a workout regime when you don't weigh 350+ lbs. Seriously! Don't get me wrong, I'm huffing and puffing, but I can get up and off the floor with minimal effort, I can keep up with the video, and I am feeling good. What an NSV!

So, on a totally crappy note, DH tore his ACL and meniscus at work on Tuesday. Suckity suck suck suck. I feel bad for him, but to be totally honest, I'm having a giant pity party for myself. It's not like he helps much, but now he's zero help plus he's a completely horrible patient. He keeps whining about how no one knows how much it hurts and how it's the worst pain in the world. Too bad he's used that phrase for about four or five other injuries he's had, so it's kinda like the little boy who cried wolf. Anyhow, my pity party is also because there's a chance we'll be moving in two months (our lease is up and we're undecided about what we're doing), and so help me, if he's not ready to help move, there will be hell to pay, since I pretty much single-handedly got us moved down here. If you recall my whining. I don't want to do it again. Sigh.

We've got two very busy days ahead, so I'll check in when I can! Toodles!

How Amy Got Her Groove Back

Yep, my friends, I am starting to feel my groove! I love it!!!!! Two weeks on Atkins, 13 lbs down, and 1 lb away from my lowest. I am enjoying low carb, I'm enjoying cooking again, I'm at good restriction. Now I just need to add in exercise (I'm starting Jillian Michael's 30-day Shred today -pray for me), and that's how Amy got her groove back.

I know you're all anxious to hear about the weigh-in this morning. I did indeed lose. I hate losing. Oh, wait, I mean I lost the competition with DH, but I also lost weight, which I do not hate. Of course.

3.4 lbs down for a total of 13 lbs in two weeks on low carb.

DH is down 20.5 lbs in two weeks on low carb.

Jerk.

I guess I still love him. But I do love him more when I am skinnier than him.

When I have a chance later, I'll share my dinners from the last two weeks in case anyone is interested in trying Atkins and is intimidated by it. It's really not bad, I promise!

Off to entertain my kids before I have to lock them in their rooms, because they're driving me nuts. Nuts, I say!

Damn Testosterone!

Is that what makes men lose faster? Whatever it is, IT'S NOT FAIR!

Ok, I actually know DH lost more than me, because his diet was 10x worse than mine was when we started Atkins a week ago. And I'm not disappointed in the least in my weight loss, but still, he lost more than me. Stupid head. I liked weighing less than him.

We lost a 2 year old child between the two of us. I lost 9.6 lbs, and DH lost 16 freakin' lbs!

The battle is on - I will weigh less than him next week.

I know I'm starting to sound like a lowcarb freak or something, and I'm sure it'll get more boring and challenging as we go forward, but it's not been bad. Tonight we're having butter chicken (Indian dish) over cauli-rice with asparagus and probably some raita if I get my butt to the grocery store today. Oh, that's assuming I can eat today, which I think I'll be able to.

Off to clean my entire house. Please pray for me!

Tight as a MoFo

Seriously, my band gets so incredibly tight around TOM. Every month, I have 3-5 days where I struggle with even liquids. I didn't realize how tight I was the other night, and we had McD's for dinner. An hour later, up came my bunless burger along with cold sf lemonade. And it came up so hard, it came out my nose. UGH. It was awful. And then my period showed up. And then it all made sense.

The rest of the month, I am totally happy with my restriction, but man, I have a couple of days where it is almost hard to even drink. Sigh.

On better notes, I made a DELICIOUS cream of mushroom soup today. Low carb and tasty. I'll share the recipe if anyone is interested. It's going down albeit slowly.

And I peeked again - 7.4 lbs gone. In 5 days!

Off to pack up clothes to give to Maria tonight at support group...