Perspective

It really is all about perspective, isn't it?

DH and I went out for an early anniversary dinner last night (four years on Thursday, but he'll be out of town). We headed to Red Lobster - I know, it's nothing too gourmet, but I knew there'd be plenty of choices for me.

So, back to perspective. My perspective on an indulgent, splurge meal:

Pre-banding: 2-3 cheddar bay biscuits, shared app with DH, salad drowning in dressing, probably a combo platter with lots of fried food, and if I could still shovel in a few more bites, maybe a shared dessert. Oh, and 4-5 cokes to wash it down. Diet if I was feeling virtuous.
Total calories: 2500-3000ish or more

Post-banding: 1/2 glass of water with lemon, crusty top off 1 cheddar bay biscuit, 1/3 of an order of lobster nachos (really yummy btw), and picked up a pint of Ben & Jerry's at Target for later, but opted to have a cup of hot cocoa instead because I just wasn't in the mood for ice cream (huh????).
Total calories: 600-700ish (total guess here)

DH plowed through a few biscuits, his salad, and a PLATTER of food. Granted, he needs to lose about 30 lbs, but it is just amazing to me how much food he can eat. And I used to eat just as much, if not more. Now I can't even imagine. At all.

Other perspectives are changing as well. I've lost 70 lbs, and while I'm proud of that, it's not the feeling I thought I'd have at this point. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm doing well, but it's really not about the total lost or the size I wear or whatever. It's about the journey, about living, about feeling good in my body.

My perspective has totally changed.

I'm 4 lbs from Twonesia, and while I am seriously looking forward to the day the scale says 299.8 lbs, I am not living for that day. I am just living. And enjoying it. And the scale will say that magical number soon enough, but it's not the be all, end all I anticipated it would be.

Does this make any sense?

My perspective has flip-flopped on weight loss:

Pre-banding: I lived, breathed, dreamt, discussed, analyzed, beat-like-a-dead-horse everything and anything to do with weight loss. How much exercise, what kind of exercise, what to eat, what not to eat, new food finds, points, calories, fat, fiber, splenda vs. sugar, fruits, veggies, no carb, low carb, protein. I fought tooth and nail for every ounce that came off and fought even harder to keep them off. It was a horrible struggle, one that left me unable to live life. I had to focus solely on my weight loss efforts, or the weight did not come (or stay) off. I was living a completely one-dimensional life, one that revolved around weight loss.

Post-banding: I am living. Weight loss is happening, and while I am putting in effort, it's not the Herculean efforts of before. I do think about what I am going to eat, but it's more from a perspective of what will go down and keep me satisfied. Food is still pleasurable, but it has a new goal for me - to keep me going until the next meal. And I get to eat yummy food - cheese, chocolate, lattes, butter - because I am limited in the amount I can eat. Exercise has become a part of my life. It's not something I do 2 hours every day. It's something that I incorporate into living - walks with the kids, a quick video here or there, parking further away in parking lots, taking the stairs at work. I do intend to focus more on exercise in the future, but for now, I don't have to kill myself at the gym and I can still lose weight. This is new for me. I am living a three-dimensional life, not living just for weight-loss, and enjoying every minute of it.

So, my last word on perspective is a bit judgmental. I hope that I can explain myself in a way that makes it a bit less judgmental sounding and a bit more "I've seen the light and want others to see it, too."

I periodically read the Weight Watchers message boards. I have for years and years - both for weight loss tips and because there are some funny people over there. I stumbled across the 200+ lbs to Lose board the other day, and wow, talk about perspective.

I obviously need to lose 200 lbs, so I can totally relate to most of them Some have already lost 200+ lbs, and their stories are amazing. But the large majority are early in their journeys, and more often than not, they are struggling. Two months, two weeks, two days into their journeys, many are posting "I just can't do this anymore" messages. They discuss WLS and why they can't/won't do it. They discuss how it's "the easy way out" and how WW is *the* way, but yet they are struggling so terribly.

There are honestly very few people there who've lost a significant amount of weight. It's mostly newbies who pop in for a few posts and then quit posting, which probably also means they've quit WW.

I used to buy into that perspective - WLS is cheating, and WW is the only *honorable* way to lose weight.

But now I want to shout at them, "THERE IS ANOTHER WAY." And it is the easier way. Not easy, but easier. And doable. And manageable. And makes life livable. And enjoyable. It makes food your friend and not your enemy.

My perspective has totally changed.

As seen on TV

This is quite ironic on the heels of yesterday's post about how cute, skinny, and pretty I am.

Thanks to my job, I am on TV 20 or so times every year. This morning was one of those times. Now, I've lost about 40 lbs and am feeling OK about how I my body looks. Of course, my hair, makeup, cute button nose, clear skin, and everything else looks amazing, as always. (I hope you can all read sarcasm - at least, said with a side of sarcasm.) Sometimes I'll watch the interviews, but often I don't, just because I hate watching myself on TV.

Today's interview went well, though. I was witty, full of information, didn't trip over any facts, and even made the anchors laugh a few times. But O.M.G. did I look F.A.T. Ugh.

First of all, the female anchor was smaller around than my thigh. And she did push-ups between sets! Surely to make sure I knew how tiny and fit she was. Ok, in reality, she's super nice, and I probably shouldn't hold her skinniness against her. But push-ups? At 9 am? At work? Puh-lease.

So, back to my point. I am standing next to this anchor, who's not only being dwarfed by my thigh, but she only comes up to my arm pit. So, I feel like the Jolly Green Giant. Seriously. I was even wearing a green vest to drive the point home. "Hello, I not only sell cookies, I also peddle frozen vegetables."

Second of all, I'm talking cookies. I mean, what else screams F.A.T than cookies? Seriously, how appropriate - the fat girl peddling cookies.

And finally, ugh. My face is still chunky enough that when I smile, my eyes disappear. Hello? Where are you, eyes? And my second chin has firmly taken residence on the first floor and refuses to move.

Normally, this would have sunk me into a bit of depression, but I also know that this time next year (if I still have this job, fingers crossed the stress-less thing is going to come through and I don't), I'll be 100+ lbs lighter than I am now. And that gives me hope. And has kept me from diving head first into a box of cookies.

Amazingly good at being amazingly bad

I'm still contemplating the "Secret and Other Destructive Eating Habits" question. And I have come to realize I was either really, really GOOD or really, really, really BAD. There was rarely an in-between for me. I could undo a few months of GOOD in a few days or weeks of BAD. I am amazingly good at being amazingly BAD.

For example, while being BAD, I'd have a craving for something healthy, like a chicken salad. But instead of eating a grilled chicken salad with a light dressing, like I wanted to, I'd opt for chicken strips and fries. Because I was being BAD. I only ate salads when being GOOD. Therefore, I had to choose the BAD option. And hell, I don't even really like fries.

Another example is butter on veggies. I don't even care for butter on veggies. But in a BAD phase, I'd butter the heck out of our veggies. Why? Oh, yeah, because I'm BAD, and BAD = butter + veggies. Michael Jackson wrote BAD just for me.

I'd eat a bedtime snack, even if I wasn't hungry. Because I was in a BAD phase. A giant bowl of ice cream. Or a vat of buttered popcorn. Those are BAD snacks in Amy's World. And it doesn't matter if you want it or not. If you are BAD, you eat it. Because that's what you do when you are BAD.

I've always known this was a big problem for me, but I never could conscientiously overcome it. Maybe because I was always anticipating the next GOOD phase? Knowing I'd have to give all these things up, and so regardless of whether I wanted them or not, I felt like I had to eat them so I wouldn't miss them as much when I was being GOOD. Funny thing is I still missed them, whether or not I had eaten them recently.

So, as you can imagine, I rarely just maintained my weight. I have been gaining or losing since my senior year of high school. Lots more gaining than losing going on. My shot up the weight charts looks like a giant bolt of lightening.

My goal is to work through this and come out not feeling like foods are GOOD or BAD. To work towards a middle ground where food is neutral. Is that possible?

A bad case of the Mondays

I have a sore throat, DD still isn't sleeping well which means I'm not sleeping well, my stupid period is STILL hanging around (to be fair, it was my first post-partum one, so understable, but still annoying), and the weather is yucko.

How's that for a case of the Mondays?

However, I'm going to concentrate on the good news. I'm almost done with mushies (tomorrow is the last day), and I peeked at the scale today, and it was back to exactly where it was two weeks ago. WOOHOO! That means there's a chance I'll be back into losing mode by my official weigh-in on Wednesday. That sure would make me happy.

I made an executive decision to stop tracking calories & protein grams a few days ago. And ironically, that's when the scale started to go back down. I have no idea if it is a coincidence or not, but I was making myself WHACKY with entering and counting and tracking and thinking and planning. It was feeling very much like a DIET. And since that word is no longer in my vocabulary, I had to take a step back.

Since I am comfortable hitting 70 grams of protein each day without much effort, I figured the rest of it will take care of itself. I am following the bandster rules (which I really hate not eating and drinking together, but we'll discuss that later) and eating to not-hungry, not to full, and I have to trust that the rest will happpen.

I did this so I don't have to track and count and plot and plan everything that enters my mouth, and I realized very quickly, I was already headed towards obsessive behavior, and I wanted it stopped NOW. And to reiterate, the weight started coming off again as soon as I did that. Hmmmm, I am starting to think it's not a coincidence!

Food, glorious food!

Mushies. I've never been so happy to eat grits and an egg in my entire life. However, I don't have a bit of restriction, so boo-hoo. But that's OK. I will survive until my first fill (four more weeks), especially knowing my surgeon is aggressive with his fills (or so he claims - I hope my aggressive is the same as his aggressive.)

I gained 4.2 lbs this week on full liquids. I'm okay with it. I'm still down 31 lbs in 4 weeks. Not too shabby. I think it's a combo of the trauma of surgery and low calories (I averaged less than 1,000 calories daily last week.) Even though I realize this week is still about healing, I'm going to aim to average 1,500 calories daily and see if that helps things a bit. At well over 300 lbs, I don't think my body likes too low of calories. 1,500 shouldn't be too hard to hit with CHEESE on the approved list of foods. I'm gonna be gnawing on some cheese - perhaps even that trophy of cheese that Heidi gave me! :)

But here's the strange thing. I rarely get headaches. And I have a giant one today! The first food I've had in a month, and I want to cry from this stupid headache.

Even stranger, I just called DH and asked him if he wanted to go to the Y tonight. WHAT?!?!?! I actually do like exercise, so this isn't really that odd, BUT I haven't liked it lately, because it's hard to enjoy purposely hoisting around 375 lbs of flab. Now that I'm not utterly exhausted at the end of each day, I have a bit more energy, and a stroll on the treadmill or elliptical actually sounded appealing.

Now I know for sure that 28 days of liquids affected my brain!

But I'm doing something about it!

I make no sense. I know this. And I'm okay with it.

I've really never been one to apologize for my weight. In the sense that I've never been embarrassed about eating in front of others, being heavy, etc. Not that I *like* it per se, but I've never really felt the need to explain it to people, apologize for it, or feel bad about it.

But suddenly, now that I AM doing something about it, I feel the need to explain it to people. When I am eating in public, I want to say, "Don't worry - this is the last time I'll be eating (insert food here) for a long, long time. I'm getting banded!" I know, seriously. It makes no sense. Especially in light of the fact that I'm not even telling many people about my surgery. But I feel like I've become hyper-aware of everything I'm putting in my mouth, how big my butt is, how crappy I feel, how much I had lost hope until I decided on the band, and so on.

It's like I've finally, finally accepted that this isn't a battle anymore. It's a war. I'm pulling out the big guns to deal with it. And in pulling out this big guns, I'm finally acknowledging a lot of things that I kept locked up. Perhaps locked up with the big guns.

And letting go of these things that I kept locked up will hopefully take lots of the pounds with them, never to return, as I work towards better health, physically and emotionally.

How did I get here?

I admit, I am judgemental when it comes to obese people. I will see a really large person and wonder, "How did they let that happen to themself? Why didn't they do something when they hit 50 lbs overweight, 100 lbs overweight, etc.?" And here I am. 200+ lbs overweight. How in the hell did I let this happen to me? Seriously. I am smart, I am educated, I know how to eat healthy, I actually like working out, I like playing sports, I can tell you the calories and fat grams in just about any food.

I just don't know.

But I do know it's embarrassing. I mean, 200+ lbs overweight? 200? That's a HUGE number. It's not like it happened overnight or without my knowledge.

I'm here to tell you, it can happen to anyone.

I've been looking back on my life and thinking about my weight at various times. I'm going to try to piece together a timeline as best I can. Here's the last 25+ years in numbers:

1993 - Senior year of high school - I remember weighing 174 lbs. I wore a size 8 for my senior pictures. I remember feeling huge.

1999 - 2000 - Second year of grad school and my first attempt at Weight Watchers. I started at 232 lbs, was wearing a size 18/20. I lost 39 lbs and got down to 193 lbs and a size 12/14 before going back to beer and fast food.

2001 - Another shot at Weight Watchers; I don't remember exactly where I was, but probably around 250 lbs, size 20. I lost 30 lbs or so before getting frustrated yet again.

2003 - Shot back up and decided to give Atkins a shot. I probably started around 270 lbs, a size 22, and lost down to 215 lbs.

2006-2007 - Had gained a BUNCH of weight since my last serious weight loss attempt. I started Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time, although this time I did Core. I started at 322 lbs and a size 28. I lost 59 lbs, bringing me down to 263 lbs and a size 20. Then I got pregnant! I gained back all 60 lbs and didn't really lose any after my daughter was born.

2009 - Had a few false starts here and there, and every time I lost some, I'd find it plus a few extras. I worked my way up to 350 lbs. Then I got pregnant again! This time I managed to only gain 15 lbs, and I actually lost about 30 lbs after my son was born.

Current - I found all the pounds I lost after my son was born plus about 20 extras, bringing me to my current weight of 374 lbs. I had lost about 12 lbs in the last few weeks. But essentially, I am starting at 374 lbs and in a very tight size 28.

And that's how I got here.