And there it is...

I never thought it would be me, but lo and behold, my husband is blaming my surgery and subsequent weight loss for my 'attitude problem.'

Le sigh.

Le sigh.

Le sigh.

I admit, we are having some rocky moments (ok, hours and/or days) lately. And maybe my attitude has changed - I don't want to sit around anymore, I want to get stuff done, I want to be active. I am bored watching tv. I'm bored with naps. So yes, my attitude has changed. But what am I supposed to do?

I want more out of life. I am no longer content to watch it pass before me. I go-go-go now, and it is physically painful for me to not go-go-go. I ran 2.5 miles this morning, watched my friends kids, took the kids to DD's ballet class, went grocery shopping, ordered three photo sessions worth of photos, cleaned two bathrooms, did a few loads of laundry, made dinner, cleaned up, and did a few other random things. And I am not exhausted.

So, what is fair? I don't expect him to have the energy I have now, but by the same token, I don't want to sit around. We are having a hard time finding the balance between what I want and what he wants.

I'm not really looking for answers (although if you have some, toss them my way). I'm more just throwing it out to the universe, hoping some solutions will come to me. We're going to try counseling; we need someone to help us navigate this new part of our relationship. We love each other deeply, but I'm not the same person he married, and I don't want to be that person again. We need to figure out how to allow me to be the new me while still being the person he married. And we also need to figure out how I balance my new interests with what his interests continue to be.

I never in a million years thought we'd be the ones in this position. He supports and appreciates my weight loss. But he's not sure how to manage this new person! And honestly, I am not sure I know how to either. We'll figure it out, though, together. At least, I hope...

On other random notes:

• I ran my fastest mile yet this morning - 12:15. GO ME!
• I tried on a ring-sizer. My wedding ring is a 8.25. My new size is 6. Um, yeah, that's why I can't wear it without fear of losing it!
• Running is finally paying off after 8 weeks. I am toning up like crazy. Pants that fit two weeks ago are getting loose. I LOVE IT!
• I'm thinner now than when I started college. Craziness!

Suffering from Fat Girl Fear Syndrome

Seriously, I do still suffer from Fat Girl Fear Syndrome AKA FGFS. You know, the fear of sitting on a fragile looking chair, like a plastic deck chair. Or fitting on a carnival ride. Or the seat belt fitting when flying. Or being the largest person in the room. All those things you fear when you are as heavy as I was and don't want to draw attention to yourself or embarrass yourself.

I really thought I'd outgrow FGFS, but I haven't in a lot of ways. I still think twice about sitting on things. We had a town festival last weekend, and I was afraid to get on one of the rides with my kids.

It is just so strange how the mind works, because in other ways, I forget I was ever as heavy as I was. I plop down on the floor with my kids without a second thought. I tie my shoes without having to take a breath first. I run upstairs to grab somethning without having to work up the energy for 10 min first. Hmmm, maybe it's the day-to-day things that are easier to do without FGFS, which would totally make sense.

I wonder when I will get over FGFS. I don't want to have those fears any more, not even for a fleeting moment. Not that I will ever forget where I came from, nor will I ever not be sympathetic to the girl who is standing in the corner hoping no one notices her, but I want to fully appreciate this body and the life that I get to live in it.

I'm working on it. As much as this journey has seemed long, it's not even been two years yet, and really, it's only been about 3 months since I've been "normal" in terms of weight and BMI, so I can see why my mind isn't there yet.

Oh well, off to do something I no longer fear - RUNNING! Holy hell, I am loving it! Just don't tell Angela or she'll be signing me up for the Princess Half!

I can feel the love!

I really felt loved yesterday with all the supportive comments, so thank you!

I weigh less than my DL says I do!

My weight starts with a 1!

It's surreal.

I'm working really hard to get some house projects done this week, then a dear friend is in town next week, and finally the following week, I am going to get back to working out.

I've got my morning and afternoon routines down, I'm getting my regular work hours in, and I am finally just about ready to get serious about working out.

I'm going to try a gym in the area. It's the only one with childcare, so it's my only option. I would love to not join a gym, but I am not sure if that is feasible with two toddlers that don't nap, two toddlers who hate being in the stroller for more than 2.2 seconds, and a husband who works 10+ hours/day. We'll see - I've debated trying videos again when the kids are home, or going running right when the husband walks in the door. But these aren't really ideal. I have a friend who works out 3-4 days/week at the gym at 4 pm, which would actually be ideal for me. So, we'll see. The bottom line is I need to do whatever is going to work for me long-term.

I need to exercise. I need to exercise. I need to exercise.

There. I said it publicly, so now I must do it!

Word 2.0.

So, what's been going on with me?

• I chopped my hair off ala Sienna Miller's short style. It's not quite what I was requesting, but I still LOVE it. Five minutes, and I'm styled and good to go all day. Plus, I think it makes my face look even thinner - sweet bonus!
• DH & I are most likely making an offer on a house this week. It's super cute, in a great school district, and centrally located. I'm excited - keep those fingers crossed that it goes through for us!
• I have been back to the gym for about 10 days now. I am LOVING it. For the first time, I feel like I'm working out just for my mental and physical health. Not to lose weight, not to train for some event, not because I have to. Just because I want to. And the break from the kids is nice too!
• I have barely any appetite lately. My band got SUPER tight again, but I rode it out and now I'm at a really good place. I was getting some weird upper back pain when I ate something "too" solid, but I haven't PB'ed in months, and the pain finally went away. (Has anyone else ever had this?!). I am loving this no-appetite thing, and the only reason I remember to eat is because I get a headache and/or cranky when I'm too hungry. HA!
• On the job front, DH & I sat down and discussed me working FT vs. PT. Our lives would be so chaotic and crazy if I went back to work with the hours he's been working (12 hrs/day, 6 days/week), but we need me to work (financially and for my sanity). A friend recommended me to do what she does (search engine evaluation for Google), and I am just waiting on my test results to find out if I got the job. It pays really well for a work-from-home job, and it's really flexible (work as many or as few hours per week as you want), so again, please keep those fingers crossed. I really, really want it!
• Guess that's about it!

Word.

I'm still losing! I know, usually when I disappear, I'm gaining. But this time, I've actually been eating right, going to the gym, cutting off my hair, working on getting an work-from-home-job (yeah!), making an offer on a house (!!!), and generally trying to keep my life moving in the right direction.

I am down 144 lbs to 230.4 lbs! I am loving it. I wore a size 16 jean skirt from Old Navy today (given to me by Heidi). A SIZE 16!!!!!! My 20s are getting too big, although I don't really have any 18Ws (hint, hint - anyone need to clean out their closet and contribute to the sisterhood? Shorts, skirts, dresses, capris?)

I'll write more tomorrow. Promise promise! Smooches!

I felt normal.

I think writing this post is going to make me cry. Oops, here come the tears. Today was the first time I realized that I am a totally normal weight by US standards. I realize I am still fat by 'normal' standards, but it's not the type of fat that prohibits me from doing what I want to do.

I took my kids to a waterpark today with 3 other moms and their kids. They have only known me since I moved to FL, so they've known me since about 290 lbs (I'm now 249 lbs). Which is heavy, but not 374 lbs heavy. Anyhow, we walked up millions of steps, I carried a kid on my shoulders with another on my hip, I crawled through water tunnels, I went down water slides, I swam and ran and chased kids and walked around in my bathing suit for four hours without ever once thinking about it. I didn't dread the steps, I didn't dread the tunnels, I wasn't afraid of weight limits on anything. It was worth every second of this journey. My kids had so much fun, and so did I!

It wasn't until I got home that I realized I had no problem keeping up with the other moms. Not to mention, they are all younger than me, each only had one toddler to chase, and we stayed about an hour longer than any of them! I rocked that waterpark!

The only bummer is my legs look A-to-the-W-to-the-FUL. Seriously. My thighs were horrible when I was really heavy - tons of cellulite and super lumpy/bumpy. Now they are still full of cellulite and lumps, but they also have saggy skin and look a bit like a melted candle collided with elephant skin. Not attractive. At all. Absolutely my worst body part. I almost wanted to make a sign for my back that said, "Don't mind the legs, I've lost 125 lbs!"

In other news, I lost 1.6 lbs this week for a total of 14.4 lbs (I think) in 3 weeks of low carb. DH lost a lb (hahahahaha) for a total of 21 lbs in 3 weeks. He was whining (hahahahaha again) about only losing one pound.

I finished day 9 of shredding today. I soooo did not want to do it last night, but I did and am glad I did. Tomorrow is the last day of level 1! WOOHOO!

The pizza turned out pretty good. I'll type out the recipe tomorrow. We had Chinese chicken lettuce wraps last night and taco salads tonight. Can't say I'm bored with the low carb choices with everything we've eaten. I think I'm going to make crab cakes for tomorrow. Or shrimp scampi. YUM!

OK, off to read my book. I've got four going, but "The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks" really is good and I'm anxious to read more. Toodles!

Workout blues and another virgin alert.

Frickin A. I have worked out six days in a row and guess what's happened to my weight loss? Yep. Stall. I know, I know, I know. I know what advice I'd give someone else, but seriously, I don't like it. Make it stop. I better lose 5 lbs overnight, or DH is going to weigh even less than me. Wahhhh. Not fair. Muscles are totally overrated. (Not really, just whining.)

Likewise, I think I'm eating too little. I've had this problem in the past, and I find it so ironic. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to shove my piehole full of sugar and carbs, but I have no appetite for anything Atkins-legal. Not that I don't like the food (I do), I just am not hungry. It's an interesting conundrum for a fat girl, to say the least.

As for the virgin alert, I tried my first CLICK shake today, and I feel the love. Boy oh boy, was it tasty. A tad expensive and a tad high in carbs (12 per serving), but YUMMO! Honestly, almost as good as a frappucino. Definitely better than the nasty light frappucinos. I added a bit of heavy cream to mine, and I enjoyed every sip of it.

On the menu for dinner is low carb pizza. I made a crust of eggs and a bunch of different cheeses. If it turns out good, I'll share, as it may be easier to eat for us bandsters. I hope it's good, or I may have to have a second CLICK shake for dinner. Ha.

Well, guess I have nothing else to bore you guys with today. Off to make some returns at Target and buy some hand weights. I've been working out with sugar-free Davinci syrup bottles. Yep, I'm cool like that.

It's a bullet-type day.

• One of the icky side effects of low-carb is dry mouth. Ugh, I am so stinkin' thirsty all the time. I can't remember if or when it does away, but I hope it's soon.
• One of the good side effects of low-carb is (TMI) no gas. I am such a gassy person (yes, TMI), and I swear, it's sugar that causes it in me. It's nice to not constantly feel like a pin would pop me!
• DH is having a hell of a time dealing with doctors and orders being taken care of and all that. He's so frustrated, and while I understand, he seems to think this has never happened to anyone else and that he is special. I've tried to explain to him that this stuff happens to everyone dealing with medical stuff.
• Speaking of DH, he is in tremendous pain, and while I understand (again), he has GOT to find a way to deal better, or I am going to kill him. He sits with his leg straight out in front of him, no brace, and then yells at the kids when they trip over his leg. Well, what do you expect when it's sticking out like that?! And then it happens again 5 min later, and well, duh, yes, you didn't move it and it happened again. I don't find that all that shocking.
• I begrudgingly did day 5 of shredding yesterday. I forgot to do it in the AM. By the time we got home at 9:30 pm last night, I was wiped. I sooooo wanted to skip, but I didn't, and I really did feel energized when I finished.
• Have some soup in the crockpot, made with leftovers from yesterday - ham, steamed broccoli/cauliflower/carrots, and chicken stock. Later on, I'll add cheese and cream to make it tasty! Hope it turns out good.
• It's just kind of rainy and dreary today, and I'm just feeling here. Not blah, not unhappy. Just kinda here.
• And last but not least, a pic of my kiddos from yesterday. Aren't they the cutest?!

VIRGIN ALERT! VIRGIN ALERT!

I am officially in virgin fat territory! In case you don't know what that is, that is a weight you've not been for a long, long, long time (whatever you determine that time to be). For me, of course, I was at 249.6 (or maybe .8) in September, and then I maintained/gained for several months. But before that, the last time I was at 249.2 lbs was probably sometime in 2003, so eight or so years. HOLY COW! Eight freakin' years.

I just finished day 3 of Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. It's a good workout for 20 min. I feel accomplished but not dead at the end. I had two realizations today while doing it:

1. My tummy (I refuse to call it an apron - ugh!) is really impeding my workout. It's gross, but it flops so hard, it hurts. Jumping jacks are the worst. And then Jillian starts in on how there's no modified move for jumping jacks, because even her 400 lb clients can do it. And then I feel bad. And then I realized I can mute her, so I did, and worked out to my iPod instead. Anyhow, I should probably get a doctor and start documenting this in hopes of getting plastic surgery covered by insurance in the future.

2. While the workout is difficult, I found myself wondering why it wasn't harder. That's when I realized, it's not nearly so bad to start a workout regime when you don't weigh 350+ lbs. Seriously! Don't get me wrong, I'm huffing and puffing, but I can get up and off the floor with minimal effort, I can keep up with the video, and I am feeling good. What an NSV!

So, on a totally crappy note, DH tore his ACL and meniscus at work on Tuesday. Suckity suck suck suck. I feel bad for him, but to be totally honest, I'm having a giant pity party for myself. It's not like he helps much, but now he's zero help plus he's a completely horrible patient. He keeps whining about how no one knows how much it hurts and how it's the worst pain in the world. Too bad he's used that phrase for about four or five other injuries he's had, so it's kinda like the little boy who cried wolf. Anyhow, my pity party is also because there's a chance we'll be moving in two months (our lease is up and we're undecided about what we're doing), and so help me, if he's not ready to help move, there will be hell to pay, since I pretty much single-handedly got us moved down here. If you recall my whining. I don't want to do it again. Sigh.

We've got two very busy days ahead, so I'll check in when I can! Toodles!

How Amy Got Her Groove Back

Yep, my friends, I am starting to feel my groove! I love it!!!!! Two weeks on Atkins, 13 lbs down, and 1 lb away from my lowest. I am enjoying low carb, I'm enjoying cooking again, I'm at good restriction. Now I just need to add in exercise (I'm starting Jillian Michael's 30-day Shred today -pray for me), and that's how Amy got her groove back.

I know you're all anxious to hear about the weigh-in this morning. I did indeed lose. I hate losing. Oh, wait, I mean I lost the competition with DH, but I also lost weight, which I do not hate. Of course.

3.4 lbs down for a total of 13 lbs in two weeks on low carb.

DH is down 20.5 lbs in two weeks on low carb.

Jerk.

I guess I still love him. But I do love him more when I am skinnier than him.

When I have a chance later, I'll share my dinners from the last two weeks in case anyone is interested in trying Atkins and is intimidated by it. It's really not bad, I promise!

Off to entertain my kids before I have to lock them in their rooms, because they're driving me nuts. Nuts, I say!

Never a dull moment.

Seriously, I feel like I go-go-go, and I get busier and busier....

Been photographing my little heart out (really trying to get a business going). Tweaked my knee somehow and it really hurts. Actually, I tweaked it a few weeks ago and it's getting worse instead of better. I hate admitting that. I was going to start the SHRED tomorrow. Babysat a friend's 1-year old overnight. I am dragging. Today is the last day of our first two weeks on Atkins. Honestly, it's not been bad at all. A few cravings that were killed with a cup of coffee nicely laced with splenda and heavy cream. Quite decadent. Mostly I want to crunch on something which I recognize is head hunger and not real hunger.

Bro and sis-in-law arrive for the long weekend tomorrow. All kinds of Easter festivities going on. DH's birthday is Friday (he already got his present - a Droid X).

Tomorrow is our weigh-in, and I'm 95% sure DH did better than me again. Not because I've cheated or not been diligent. Simply because he has a penis. But I'm not really complaining, because I feel good, and I know the scale is going to be down, and ultimately, that's what it is all about.

I wish I had something fun and exciting and insightful to share, but I don't. I am just kinda living and doing and trying to be productive, and the band/Atkins is kind of secondary, which is a good thing for my real life, but doesn't make for an exciting blog!

Back from the frozen tundra with the biggest NSV yet!

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did ya miss me?

I'm back, and whoa boy, have I got a story for you. In case I didn't mention it, I used to live in WI, so I know all about WI's fine dining choices. Of course, I don't get back very often anymore, so when I do, I like to hit all my favorites. The top of the list is, and has always been, Kopp's. Frozen custard heaven. Butter burger bonanza. Burgers are kinda out right now, but let's face it, frozen custard is like a bandster's dream come true.

Can you believe I planned this trip for almost two months, flew 2.5 hours to WI, and was in WI for 8 hours before BFF said, "Hey, do you want Kopp's?". And until she said that, it never once crossed my mind. Not even once.

Did you all feel that? It was the earth tipping off its axis. As that has never, ever, ever happened before. I did proceed to eat it twice, though. I'm not that much of an angel!

The trip was tons of fun - I will certainly share photos once I edit them. We went running twice - 3 miles and 5 miles. The half-marathon is in just under 8 weeks, and while I'm not yet prepared, I'm feeling good about where I am with it. We made our tutus and bought princess tiaras. I ate rather well and am looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in.

The break from the kids was great. The break from being MOM was great. The chance to relax and unwind was great. All in all, it was a fun five days. But I am glad to be home and look forward to getting back into a routine, since we've been wacky with guests and holidays and trips for more than two months now.

Alright, off to see what you guys have been up to! Smooches!

Need a lighter

I need someone to light my fire. I am just kinda coasting along. I'm not gaining, which is HUGE, but I'm not losing either. And I still have 70ish lbs to lose.

I am hoping some time with my fellow bandsters this weekend will help. As will the half-marathon that's in less than two months. As will the new year.

I'm putting together a list of 111 things I want to accomplish in 2011. Some are small (make my bed daily), some are big (find my dream job), and some are in-between (read 13 classics). The one that is most important to me, however, is hitting my goal weight. I CAN do it. I just need to find that fire again.

Coasting was fine. I really am okay with it. But the time for coasting is over. I'm going back to work sooner than later. I had a couple of months to enjoy not being hyper-vigilant. But the time has come for me to get back on the horse and ride it to the finish line.

What really motivated me was watching "I Used To Be Fat" on MTV last night. Gabrielle was 17 and had 111 days before heading off for college. She lost 90 lbs in those 111 days with lots of hard work. She was also finishing up high school and working. I can certainly lose 50 lbs in 111 days if all I have to do is take care of two kids, right? She looked AMAZING.

So, come on, ladies, LIGHT MY FIRE!

ETA: I decided it was unethical to write this post and not DO something, so I just returned from a 2 mile jog while pushing the kiddos in the stroller. Trying to get that bonfire going, Sandy Lee!

You people...

...are turning me into a druggie!

After all the very supportive comments, I decided to take the Zoloft. I started it Friday. I'll let you know if and when I feel a difference.

I forced myself back to the gym today. 2 miles of running/walking. Going again tomorrow. I have been working on my resume (thanks for the suggestions and leave me your email if you want to help!), getting back into my housecleaning routine, taking the kids for evening walks to the park, and cooking healthy meals. My heart isn't totally in it, but sometimes you gotta fake it 'til you make it, right?

I tried to take pics of my kids over the weekend, but had a disaster instead. I dropped my camera about 4" onto the carpet and broke my favorite lens! WAHHHH! I am lost without that lens, so I am shopping for a new one. I think I'm going to upgrade and use my Christmas/birthday gifts from DH to get a better one, so good news/bad news, I guess. I just need to make a decision soon, as DS just turned 18 months and DD turns 3 next month. I need to take their pics!

And on that note, here's my brag for the day - some pics I took of my friend's newborn last week. I really enjoy taking photos; I guess I really should put a little effort into getting a side business going. Well, that's assuming anyone thinks my work is worth paying for!

Here.

I'm here. Thanks to everyone who checked up on me - Maria, Heidi, Angela...It's so nice knowing I am missed.

I talked to my gyn about my unhappiness/depression/issues, and she prescribed Zoloft. I have the prescription filled, but I haven't taken it yet. I'm just not sure I want to take any meds. Sigh. If I'm debating it this much, I should probably just take them, right? (ETA: It's not that I feel shame taking them - it's the side effects I'm concerned about - weight gain, jittery, insomnia, decreased sex drive, etc.)

Other than that, I am eating crappy and exercising even less. That changes this minute. I have a half-marathon to run in 4 months - I must get my butt in gear. I also have a one year bandiversary approaching, and I'd like to lose at least 130 lbs in the first year, if not more. I also know I'll feel better if I do both of those things. I also need to get a bit of a refill; it's just time and money holding me back.

On a fun note, DH & I just bought Disney passes (they started a monthly payment plan), and we took the kids to the Magic Kingdom for their first visit last weekend. I think we'll head back again this weekend.

Finally, anyone out there a resume expert? If so, would you be willing to help me? I think I have a strong resume, but it needs to be stronger.

I promise to start posting and commenting again. I missed you too much to stay away!

Exhausted

Left the house at 9 am Friday and returned at 11:30 pm last night. Two flights, two toddlers, two car seats, a double stroller, six carry-ons, a 49.6 lb checked suitcase, arriving at the hotel at 4:45 pm and having to be at the rehearsal at 5 pm, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, time with friends, lunch with family, getting entire family ready, pictures before ceremony, ceremony, reception, one wandering toddler, one dancing fool toddler, no naps, sharing beds with toddlers, a Sunday brunch with family, rushing to the airport, and more. All in about 61 hours (if I am doing the math right).

I am exhausted.

On the band-front, I'm afraid to get on the scale. My unfill was a little too effective. I need a bit of a fill, but I'm going to give it a week to see how I do. Need to get back to the gym this week and get serious about my half-marathon training.

However, I also wanted to share some pics (I'll post some more of the kids after I've unpacked); the first is from my son's baptism 10.25.09, the second is from my daughter's second birthday 11.15.09, and the third is from this weekend, 10.01.10. About 10-11 months of changing. I realize I do comparison shots every so often, but I think 'real life' shots tell the story more clearly in a lot of ways. And I have to be honest, I have about 75 lbs to go, but the truth is, if I stayed here for the rest of my life, I wouldn't be disappointed. Not to say I am stopping, not by any stretch, but I am okay with where I am, if that makes any sense.

10.25.09

11.15.09

10.01.10

200, spinning, shoulders, ole!

200
200 followers! You guys, seriously. I love you all! It's so amazing that you guys want to hear what I have to say, that you want to support me, that you care enough to take the time to listen. Thank you!!!! If I'm not following you, do let me know, so I can.

Spinning
I went to spinning this morning and did the whole class! And my butt doesn't hurt. I'm not sure which part I'm more excited about; heck, both are pretty exciting to me!

Shoulders
My shoulders are being unburied with every pound I lose. I looked in the mirror last night and had to take some pics because I was shocked! In the best possible way.

I couldn't quite capture what I was seeing, but these should give you an idea. They go straight across. No lumps. They are starting to get that little indent right below the shoulder, above the arm pit. They feel smoothly round. It's awesome. Now if I the batwings would shrink a little so my widest spot is my shoulders and not my mid-arm/biceps, that would be really cool.

Royalty that I am, I deserve a TIARA!

I am not sure what the hell is wrong with me. I am sure something is, however, because I am officially, publicly announcing that I, Amy-who-once-weighed-374-lbs, am going to:

RUN A HALF MARATHON!

Um, wait, what?

Crap. It's out there now. You've already read it. Now I have to do it in order to save face.

Just teasing. The gorgeous (and very thin!) Jenny invited everyone to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February with her. I must have been a bit woozy from lack of protein or something, as I was on that invite like a fat girl on cake.

Actually, I'm very excited about it! My very-thin, marathon-running BFF is also going to do it with us. And maybe Southern Belle Jen (please, please, please!), and ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE READING THIS!

Who wants to join us? You get to wear a tiara! And run all through Disney property! And meet me! I mean, it's like a dream come true. And Disney is where dreams come true, so it's meant to be.

My three goals for this are:

1. Run the whole thing. In other words, no walking, except for water/bathroom breaks.

2. Finish with an average of an 11 min mile, meaning my time would be 2 hours 24 min. I'll give myself a time of 2.5 hours to allow for water/bathroom breaks.

3. Be in ONEDERLAND by the race. It's 25 weeks from this past Saturday. I currently weigh 261.4, meaning I need to lose 61.6 lbs in 25 weeks. That's an average of 2.464 lbs/week. That's a pretty aggressive goal, but the training will hopefully help me do it!

So, there you have it. Off to shop for my tiara! (Actually, we're having a small family party this afternoon. I cooked lots of goodies - tell you all about them later!)

Not sure there's one title for this doozy.

There's so much to say, I'd do bullets, but it's even too much for bullets, so how about bold headlines?


Working Out with Mick Jagger
Just got back from a great workout at the gym. I really pushed myself, which is ironic, since I really only went this morning to get a break from the kids! I'm having a bit of port pain (I get it every now and again); just feels a bit like a pulled muscle, but I just wasn't in a workout mood.

I did 25 min on the treadmill to start. 10 min warm-up followed by 15 min of alternating 1.5 min run and 1.5 min walk. I decided, while on the treadmill, that since I can't go to BOOBS, I'd do a 5K that day instead while you are all doing the BOOB run/walk.

Then 2 rounds of weight lifting where I upped several of my weights. Ended with a 4.5 min run.

I also got to work out next to this annoying guy (he was on an elliptical) who kept stopping every 30 sec to adjust his shoe. I don't know why but it was driving me fucking. insane. like. no. other.

The woman next to me was working out with a curler in her bangs. Yep, you read that correctly.

And to round out my wacky morning, dude on the weights was Mick Jagger, I swear. Complete with the crazy hair held in place with a white terry cloth headband.


Another goal met & crazy thoughts
I officially weigh less than the lowest point I got to when I last lost weight (early 2007). This means this is the smallest I've probably been since 2003ish? It's the smallest my husband has seen me. It's the smallest my kids have seen me (obviously).

The flip side of this (which I really am happy about being here, I am!) is I am kinda ticked at myself for needing to lose 112 lbs to even get to this point. Sigh. I know there is no changing the past, but damn, 112 lbs gained in 7ish years. And that was with a bunch of dieting in there!

I think what's driven it home is that I am receiving clothes from some very generous bandsters, and I am not saying this to make anyone feel bad for me or tell me how great I am doing (logically, I know I am). But the clothes they are sending me are from when they were their biggest. It didn't bother me much when I was bigger. But now that I've lost 112 lbs and I am STILL bigger than they were to start, I don't know - it's just getting to me. When I was 374 lbs, I would have given anything to weigh just 262 lbs. But now I'm feeling generally dissatisfied here. I guess that's ultimately a good thing, as it'll keep me pushing forward and downward.


Goals
I haven't set any goals recently, other than aiming to stay above 2 lbs/week lost. But in trying to get out of this mini-funk over my "112 lbs lost and still fat" attitude, I thought I'd look forward to some milestones. Assuming I lose at 2.4 lbs/week on average (I'm averaging just over that right now), here's some goals I'm going to aim for:

BIL Wedding (10.2) - 254 lbs/120 lbs lost
Thanksgiving/First Bandiversary (11.25) - 235 lbs/139 lbs lost
Christmas/New Year's - 223 lbs/151 lbs lost
My Birthday (1.28) - 213/161 lbs lost

I know I won't likely hit them all, but I like having goals to reach for. It keeps me honest (kinda like weighing myself daily). The first one, BIL's wedding, is probably the 'biggest' for me, as I'd love to be able to answer "120 lbs" when people inevitably ask how much I've lost.


Random Shit
My band is behaving much better. I ate okay last night. Sticking to soup for lunch, but making meatloaf for dinner. Thinking I am back to a pretty sweet spot. Sweet!

My dad is having hip replacement revision surgery as we speak. He's at the Cleveland Clinic with a world leader in hip revisions, so he's in very good hands, but all positive vibes/thoughts/prayers would be greatly appreciated. His body metabolizes pain meds way too efficiently, and he was in incredible pain last time, so he is really dreading the recovery. I'm keeping my fingers crossed this surgery isn't as tough on him and that this doc will be able to find something that makes the pain tolerable.

That's enough for today! Later, gators...can't wait to see what everyone comes up with for Thousand Word Thursday!

I birthed a band!

My band has gestated to maturity! 9 months after first implanting this little sucker...

...gone are:

• 107 lbs
• 99.25"
• The fear of not ever being able to lose weight once and for all
• My self-consciousness over my size; I'm still fat, but I feel normal-fat instead of stand-out-fat now
• Swollen ankles and sore feet

...and here to stay are:

• Self-confidence
• Faith in myself
• A better attitude towards everything in my life
• More happiness

The band certainly hasn't solved all my problems, but it has made it easier to deal with them. I guess when you don't have to waste your energy dealing with the monkey of 200+ extra lbs on your back, it allows you to use that extra energy in more productive ways. And while the band hasn't solved all our financial worries, I have no doubt that when I go to job interviews, I'll be viewed in a more positive light and also carry myself with more confidence. So in that respect, I do believe the band will positively affect our financial future.

Having the courage to make the decision to get the band is one of the things I'm most proud of myself for. Not the losing with the band, not the work I've put in, but the courage to admit I had a problem that was bigger than I could tackle on my own. That's the hardest step, at least it was for me.

Have I been a perfect bandster? No. Will I be a perfect bandster in the future? Nope. However, I do 90% of it right, and 90% is usually a passing grade anywhere you go. I don't drink with meals or for 30 min afterwards, I don't drink soda, I focus on protein (when my stupid band isn't being fickle and tightening out of nowhere), I workout, and I eat 3 meals plus 1 (occasionally 2) small snack per day. What don't I do "right"? I drink calories (lattes, coffee creamer, gatorade, watered-down juice), I eat chocolate and cheese and all my other high-cal favs, and I don't count calories.

I've been thinking a lot about my cross roads post, where I talked about buckling down to lose faster or continuing my 90% approach and losing a little more slowly. I finally realized (with the help of my mom) that when I buckle down and go balls-to-the-wall with anything, especially dieting, I burn myself out and have a swing-back that typically counteracts any progress I've made. I've done it 100s of times. In fact, I think it was this approach that helped me to 'diet' my way to nearly 400 lbs. So, with that in mind, I'm going to keep on this path I'm on, of being happy with 2 lbs/week and no obsessing, and see where it takes me. I reserve the right to change my mind in the future, but I'm enjoying this journey, and if I take the enjoyment out, I see trouble brewing. And why cause trouble when there is none?

If my 90% effort gets me 90% results, you know, I might just be okay with that. 180 lbs gone certainly wouldn't upset me!

And with that, I will talk to you all later, maybe even post some progress pics if I actually take a shower today. LOL. If I'm a bit absent these next few days, it's because my mom is in town for a quick visit. Smooches!