So incredibly thankful on my two-year bandiversary

How could I not be thankful? I look 100x better, I feel 100x better, and I'm exactly 190 lbs lighter!

This has been an incredible journey full of lots of successes and my share of frustrations, but I think I'm most excited about the emotional and mental journey that's accompanied the weight loss. I really am a different person  inside my head and not just on the outside of my body.

I can think more clearly about emotional issues now that I am not weighed down by my weight. I don't react nearly as emotionally - nor immaturely - to negative situations. I am much better at seeing people for who they are, and how they treat me, now that I don't have to wonder if my weight is the reason I am being treated poorly. I am much more able to let things go now instead of holding resentments and grudges. I am getting much better at truly living "Live and let live" because I no longer feel the need to control everyone around me due to the lack of control with my weight. I feel my feelings because they are not buried beneath a ton of weight or being pushed down by endless amounts of food.

Add in all the obvious physical changes, and I gotta say, it's pretty cool to be me now!

For those just starting out, or perhaps struggling a bit, I just encourage you to stick with it. I started out extremely slow, gained weight after surgery, took 6 fills to get restriction, hit a six-month plateau, and had so many other challenges, but here I am, two years later, 190 lbs lighter.

And of course, this post wouldn't be complete without some PHOTOS!

Two headshots superimposed - look how much narrower my shoulders are now!

I felt normal.

I think writing this post is going to make me cry. Oops, here come the tears. Today was the first time I realized that I am a totally normal weight by US standards. I realize I am still fat by 'normal' standards, but it's not the type of fat that prohibits me from doing what I want to do.

I took my kids to a waterpark today with 3 other moms and their kids. They have only known me since I moved to FL, so they've known me since about 290 lbs (I'm now 249 lbs). Which is heavy, but not 374 lbs heavy. Anyhow, we walked up millions of steps, I carried a kid on my shoulders with another on my hip, I crawled through water tunnels, I went down water slides, I swam and ran and chased kids and walked around in my bathing suit for four hours without ever once thinking about it. I didn't dread the steps, I didn't dread the tunnels, I wasn't afraid of weight limits on anything. It was worth every second of this journey. My kids had so much fun, and so did I!

It wasn't until I got home that I realized I had no problem keeping up with the other moms. Not to mention, they are all younger than me, each only had one toddler to chase, and we stayed about an hour longer than any of them! I rocked that waterpark!

The only bummer is my legs look A-to-the-W-to-the-FUL. Seriously. My thighs were horrible when I was really heavy - tons of cellulite and super lumpy/bumpy. Now they are still full of cellulite and lumps, but they also have saggy skin and look a bit like a melted candle collided with elephant skin. Not attractive. At all. Absolutely my worst body part. I almost wanted to make a sign for my back that said, "Don't mind the legs, I've lost 125 lbs!"

In other news, I lost 1.6 lbs this week for a total of 14.4 lbs (I think) in 3 weeks of low carb. DH lost a lb (hahahahaha) for a total of 21 lbs in 3 weeks. He was whining (hahahahaha again) about only losing one pound.

I finished day 9 of shredding today. I soooo did not want to do it last night, but I did and am glad I did. Tomorrow is the last day of level 1! WOOHOO!

The pizza turned out pretty good. I'll type out the recipe tomorrow. We had Chinese chicken lettuce wraps last night and taco salads tonight. Can't say I'm bored with the low carb choices with everything we've eaten. I think I'm going to make crab cakes for tomorrow. Or shrimp scampi. YUM!

OK, off to read my book. I've got four going, but "The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks" really is good and I'm anxious to read more. Toodles!

Exhausted but exhilarating...

I'm too tired to blog much about my weekend, because I spent it with three amazing women - Heidi, Stephanie, and Maria - doing amazing things. Like riding roller coasters. Yep, me, I fit on every roller coaster with no problem! And here's the proof:

A day late, but not a dollar short - A year in review

Hope you'll all forgive me for missing my bandiversary yesterday. With it falling on Thanksgiving, you know, I was busy stuffing my face full of food. Oh wait, I wasn't supposed to admit that? Ha!

So, what is there to say about this past year that I haven't already said? Not much. I feel like I've shared nearly every thought and experience I've had with my band over the last year with you guys. It's certainly been a roller coaster, thankfully with more ups than downs, but a wild ride nonetheless. I'm having a terrible time composing my thoughts about where I am and where I've been, so how about a few top ten lists to help me sort out my thoughts?

Top 10 Ups Since Being Banded

10. This lovely community, especially the sisterhood without which I'd be either naked or broke.
9. Signing up for a half-marathon. While the training hasn't started in earnest, I am actually looking forward to it. We'll see how I feel after my first 10-mile training session.
8. Lack of anxiety over flying. 'Nuff said.
7. Going down the slide at Animal Kingdom with my daughter before I realized I didn't even have to consider if I'd fit or not. Yeah, I cried that day.
6. Buying a size S/M sweater from Loft. LALALALA I can't hear you telling me it ran large LALALALALA All I know is it has an S on the tag.
5. Painting my own toenails and being able to breathe. I still get pretty giddy about that one.
4. Not freaking out when my BFF announced she was engaged, panicking over finding a dress that wouldn't look like a tent on me. Or looking like a whale next to her since she's a stick.
3. After-hours extracurriculars with DH. I don't think you want or need any more details.
2. Accepting that I can actually lose every single pound of excess weight.
1. LIVING instead of obsessing about food. The freedom I feel is indescribable.

Top 10 Downs Since Being Banded

10. PB'ing. I still hate it. I don't urp up like some - I ralph up pretty forcibly every time.
9. My month or so of being uber-tight. That's a hell of a way to lose weight.
8. Moving and having to find new after-care. I never imagined how difficult that would be.
7. My feet are shrinking out of some of my favorite shoes!
6. Batwings and elephant thighs. I'm learning to accept them, but it doesn't mean I have to like them.
5. Still being fat after losing 125 lbs. I know I've come miles, but I still have a mile or two left to go, and it sometimes really gets to me that I let it go as far as it did.
4. Realizing how poorly I was treated by society when I was fat. I never thought I was, but now I am realizing it was worse than I accepted.
3. Waiting for my head to catch up with my body. This is such a mental game, and to be honest, it's exhausting quite often.
2. My two or so months of depression. I was totally unprepared for the emotions, even though I thought I was prepared to deal with the changes.
1. Realizing I should have done this when my mom first brought it up years ago. I was too stubborn and proud to even consider it.

Top 10 Reasons I Will Lose the Rest & Keep It All Off

10. This lovely community - your support is amazing.
9. I still love food, but I don't LOVE food anymore, if that makes sense.
8. I'm no longer too proud or stubborn to admit when a problem is bigger than me.
7. Going back is simply not an option.
6. My kids deserve this mom, not their old mom. Hubby, too, even if he drives me nuts 90% of the time.
5. I can live with a too-tight band if I have to. Not fun, but I can do it if need be to get back on track or what not.
4. I will NOT add to the stereotype/statistics of "the band isn't as good as bypass/other wls". I am too competitive.
3. My 40s are going to be the best decade of my life (yet), so I have a few more years to perfect this body before I take on the 40s and show them what I'm made of!
2. I owe it to myself and my creator/the universe to make the most of this body. That's more spiritual than I normally get, but I really feel it lately.
1. I'm HOT when I'm skinny!


Finally, a bandiversary post wouldn't be worth anything without a few then and now pics. Alas, I present my befores and afters - 125 lbs less of me AKA 1/3 less of me AKA I've worked my ass off this year and am damn proud of where I am!

October 2009 - 374 lbs

November 2010 - 249 lbs

November 15, 2009 - DD's 2nd birthday

November 15, 2010 - DD's 3rd birthday

November 2010 - feeling like I can do silly things in public and not be "that fat girl"

99 bottles of beer on the wall

You take one down, pass it around...

OK, I won't pass it around, since I don't want you guys to have it. If I were really talking about beer, I'd pass it around, but since I'm talking about POUNDS LEFT TO LOSE, I won't pass you any when I am done with them!

Seriously, I finally have less than 100 lbs to lose.

It's starting to sink in! Double digits, baby! For real, I honestly think this is the most exciting milestone yet. Maybe not most exciting, maybe most sinking in? Most that I want to celebrate? Whatever it is, it feels DAYYYUUUUMMMM (that's damn all drawled out) good to be here.

I can totally do 99 lbs. Like in my sleep. And with an arm tied behind my back. Surely I jest, I know it's not going to be easy, weight loss never is. But it is going to be done. By me!

I used to hate, hate, hate when I was a total newbie (since I'm still kind of a newbie), and I'd read a blog when someone would say, "If I can do it, anyone can." Blah blah blahcakes. Who did they think they were????

But seriously, that's how I feel now, and I want to scream it from a stage to an arena full of fatties who feel lost and depressed and sure they are never going to lose their excess weight. I want everyone who feels despondent over their weight loss attempts and failures to know they can do it.

I had 200+ lbs to lose. I was facing a journey much longer than 95% of bandsters. It sucked to be in that 5%, believe me. I'd look at others and think, "Well, hell, they only have {insert any number less than 200 here} to lose." And it wasn't really with jealousy; OK, it was with jealousy that they'd gotten smarter sooner than me. But it wasn't jealousy over their 'smaller' journey. It just made mine seem that much longer, bigger, harder, worse. The reality I've learned, though, is everyone's journey is longer, bigger, harder, worse in their own way. Because each person's journey is their own and comes complete with their own challenges. Whatever your challenges are, you can do this. You really can. You know why?

Because if I can do this, anyone can.

The light at the end of the weight loss tunnel isn't just visible, it's shining brightly. It's kinda like the light calling to CarolAnne, except this one is beckoning me with its promises of cute clothes, a svelte body, and health.

If you couldn't tell, it's a good day to be me.

(On a not-so-fun note, I PB'ed on water yesterday. I couldn't understand why. Granted, I gulped it, but I have gulped umpteen times. Then I PB'ed dinner (scrambled eggs, sigh). I hadn't PB'ed in close to a month. I was perplexed until I went to the bathroom, only to discover an uninvited guest had come to visit for a few days. This was my first real experience with TOM tightness aka TOMT. I put myself on a liquid diet today to get the swelling to go down, as that second PB was a humdinger and I was still feeling it when I went to bed last night. I was getting a tad concerned about slippage, but I think I just really irritated it. The upside of liquid? Weight loss!)

The Five Stages of Banding

With all due credit to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, I think the five stages of grief are very applicable to the process of getting a lap-band. Here's my interpretation with my own spin on her five stages:

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The Five Stages of Banding

1. Denial

"I don't need the band."
"I would never take the easy way out."
"I can do this on my own."
"Only xxx people need the band (replace xxx with any combination of the following: really fat, lazy, weak, co-morbidities)."

This stage typically lasts from the first time you hear about the band (or like me, someone approaches you about it; in my case, it was my mom) until you're sick and tired of losing weight only to regain it again and again and realize that this problem is bigger than you (no pun intended). It's typically a temporary defense.


2. Anger

"How did I let myself get so fat?"
"Why do I need the band when everyone else can just eat what they want and not gain weight?"
"Life is sooooo unfair; I don't want to have to have surgery just to lose weight!"

Once you hit this stage, you realize how deep in denial you were. Maybe you are still pissed off that you feel like you should be able to do it on your own and are angry at yourself. You are out of denial, and excited about the band, but still pissed that it's come to this. You're angry that you have to do 6 months of dietician-supervised dieting. You're ticked that you have to pay for it out of your own pocket. You're just ticked off at the world.


3. Excitement

"I'll be completely thrilled and consider this a success if I just lose 75 lbs/get to onederland/fit in a size 16."
"I have my band - life is wonderful!"
"I know I am going to lose 100 lbs in the first six months. I've seen so many people do it. This is going to be awesome!"

The excitement stage can come and go and overlap with stage 4. This stage typically hits as the surgery date is set, the surgery date approaches, even post-surgery before bandster hell hits. The liquid diet causes you to lose a bunch of weight, you're seeing successes, you're doing it! It's an exhilirating time, although as with most highs, it's often followed by a low...


4. Frustration

"The band doesn't work for me. Why did I even do this?"
"I'm NEEEEEEEEEEEEVER going to get to restriction."
"I've only lost 1/3 of what I thought I would have by this time; I'm a failure."
"Wow, this really isn't the easy way out."

The frustration stage coincides with bandster hell. It's like coming down off a high. For most bandsters, from the time of approaching their family doctor to actually getting the band, is many, many months, and once they've been through all that, they are ready for the band to work now. NOW. They've been patient and jumped through all the required hoops, and now that they have the band, they are ready for it to work immediately.

Pretty much every bandster cognitively understands that bandster hell will happen, but after going through stage 3, they are pretty sure it's not going to happen to them. Or it won't be that bad. Or long. Wrong. Whatever the struggle is - the emotional side of losing weight, lack of restriction, slow fills - it can be very difficult. As noted above, some bandsters will bounce back and forth between stages 3 & 4 several times.

5. Acceptance
(Please note, I am not here yet. But this is what I've gathered from reading blogs and LBT.)

"The band really works if I am patient and work with it."
"Hitting onederland/wearing a size 16/losing 75 lbs actually wasn't the be all - end all I thought it would be. The journey is really the reward."
"I CAN do this."
"I am doing this."
"Banded life is good."

This is where the rollercoaster kind of flattens out. It's back up from the dip of stage 4 but of course is not as high as stage 3 was. And that's a good thing. It's the place where you coast along, doing what you need to do while living. Living your life - the good banded life. You're at good restriction; you are keeping up with your fills; food is no longer central to your life and every thought you have. You might experience periods of both excitement and frustration, but not to the same extent (not as high/low nor does it last as long) as when you were in those stages.
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I am firmly between stages 3 and 4. I still get excited, but then the next day, or even the next hour, I am frustrated. I'm frustrated with the lack of restriction, the length of time between fills, and so on. But I am excited by how much weight I've lost, how far I've come, and how much work I've done both physically and emotionally to coast into stage 5 very soon.

I'd love to hear what you think of the five stages and if you can relate!

Since we're closing in on the big day...

I figured it would do me good to get down, in writing, the reasons I am getting banded. I mean, obviously, I'm getting banded to lose weight, but that's really the side effect I'm looking for. I'm more excited about the other reasons, those that come along with weight loss. Hmmm, maybe that didn't make much sense. Let me try again. I'm more interested in achieving these than the actual number I lose.

So, here's my list of "Why I'm Getting Banded" (this will probably become a permanent part of one of my sidebars and I will continue to add to it):

1. To be able to paint my toes and breathe simultaneously.
2. To be able to shave my legs and breathe simultaneously.
3. To be able to play with my kids on the floor without my legs going numb within 30 seconds.
4. To be able to fly to lots of fun places with my family and not have them wonder why mommy is using an extra seat belt.
5. To be able to wear the seat belt in my husband's car without having to breathe shallowly the whole trip (damn Isuzus!).
6. To be able to run up a set of stairs without thinking about it.
7. To be able to run up a set of stairs without breathing heavily.
8. To ride on roller coasters.
9. To get back to spinning (I actually really love spinning!).
10. To complete another triathlon.
11. To cut-up my Lane Bryant credit card.
12. To be able to shop anywhere I want.
13. To be smaller than my husband.
14. To not have my kids be the ones with "the fat mom."
15. To not think about food 24/7.
16. To not worry about going somewhere and wondering what the seating will be like (parties, the movies, etc.)
17. To not sweat all the time.
18. To not have swollen ankles at the end of most days.
19. To inspire others that they can do this as well.
20. To feel like I am more than my weight and not feel like I have to "prove" myself in other ways so people look past the weight.
21. To finally win this war I've fought for so long.
22. To wear shorts again in the summer.
23. To wear clothes without an X in the size.
24. To wear clothes without a W in the size.
25. To wear clothes with a size that doesn't start with a 2.
26. To not be embarrassed to see old friends again.
27. To never skip another social event because I'm embarrassed about how much weight I've gained.
28. To like looking at pictures of myself again.
29. To not hide from the camera as much as possible.
30. To not "untag" pics of myself on Facebook because I'm embarrassed by how bad I look and I don't want old friends seeing them!
31. To help my parents quit worrying about my weight.
32. To keep myself healthy, since I don't have any comorbidities and certainly don't want any!
33. To turn heads when I walk in a room with my dazzling smile instead of my big butt.
34. To lose inches and inches!
35. To pick healthy foods and feel full on them instead of opting for unhealthy things just because I crave that full feeling.
36. To know how it feels to eat breakfast and not think about food again for a few hours.
37. To set a good example for my kids.
38. To make sure my daughter does not grow up with body issues.
39. To dance at my daughter's wedding.
40. To dance at my son's wedding.
41. To contribute to this amazing online community of bandsters.
42. To help someone along the bandster journey when they are struggling, because I really like helping others.
43. To be able to cross my legs.
44. To be able to sit indian-style on the floor. (Is there a more PC term these days?!?!?!)
45. To be able to do my favorite hobby, photography, without breaking a sweat after the first shot.
46. To not have to worry about the weight limit on any activity, whether I want to skydive, bungy jump, or scuba dive.
47. To overcome the emotional part of my eating.
48. To rewire my brain about food and eating.
49. To become an inspiration to others who are scared to get banded.
50. To live.

I will come up with 50 more before surgery.

One other thing I have to add. You'll notice that nowhere on my list is anything about feeling beautiful or sexy in front of my husband. I hate when people get all sappy and lovey-dovey about their spouses, but I have to say, he is the most amazing man who has never said one negative word about my weight and who has looked past my weight and finds me beautiful no matter what, even though I've gained probably 100+ lbs since we started dating and 175+ lbs since we met. I am doing this for him as well, for being one of my biggest sources of support and finding me beautiful at any weight.