And now I'm just bitching!
OK, not really. I am MUCH better than I was 24 hours ago.
I saw Dr. D again this morning. There was some confusion, as I thought they had rescheduled my surgery for 8/24 (instead of 8/31). But it was really scheduled for SEVEN/24. Um, that's next Tuesday. And I no can do. I am in Milwaukee for work, flying with my son there on Sunday and both kids back the following Sunday. And throwing my BFF's baby shower while I am there. Just really not workable. The next available option he had was 8/17. which was 3.5 weeks later. That made me cry (#1 cry) - I had to choose between living with this thing inside me that could potentially ruin my stomach even more and mucking up my BFF's one and only baby shower and my kids' summer vacation plans.
Fortunately, Dr. D is the most AWESOME doctor on the face of the earth. He worked me in on 8/3, so I don't have to move heaven and earth, AND I can get it done sooner (#2 cry).
The bad news is my band is FUCKED UP! For real. If you've seen your band on film, you know it should look like a slash, '/'. Mine is a perfectly round, big, open, 'O', Yep, it has not only turned, but it has flipped and twisted. Which means my poor tummy is being drug up and through the O and then back down. Not good. He said he's seen worse though. I am thankful for once that my overachieving ways didn't have be in first place.
He can't believe I don't have any restriction based on the band's position, but I really don't. Oh, also, my band has ZERO fluid in it, even though it should have 9cc. Yep, it is a mess. I wonder if he'll give it to me as a souvenir!
Sooooo, dear friends, it's bad enough that I have to wait at least FOUR MONTHS between surgeries for my poor tummy to heal (#3 cry).
BUT because Dr. Dr is seriously the most awesome doctor ever, he reassured me that I am NOT to worry about weight gain. He wants me to focus solely on letting my tummy heal. He said he doesn't care if I lose 10 lbs or gain 50 lbs between now and my sleeve, he just wants to see me healed (#4 cry - it was an ugly, snorting, contorted, snotting cry). He said I will get it all off and then some with the sleeve. In fact, he insisted I will be sitting in his office a year from now asking for plastic surgeon referrals because I'll have lost so much weight (#5 cry). It seems impossible, but I know it is true. Whether I have the surgery now or in a few months, a year from now, it won't really make a difference.
There you have it - the latest and greatest from this battling bandster. I have finally stopped crying. I'm still not happy at the prospect of being restriction-free for an additional five months or so, but it is what it is. I didn't have restriction for about six months with the band, so I just need to get in that same head space and do what I need to do.
Thanks for listening and all the supportive comments. Our little blog sisterhood is truly the best!
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 18
Tuesday, July 17
If I can stop crying long enough...
I'd post about how I have another slip. Which means:
- TWO separate surgeries.
- MORE expenses.
- LONGER that I have to wait to get the sleeve which means that much longer I have to fight this stupid hunger.
I am meeting with the surgeon again tomorrow to iron out all the details. Right now, it looks like the band removal will be 8/24. Once he's in there and sees what kind of damage has been done, I'll have a timeline on the sleeve. Fingers crossed for sooner than later, obviously.
I'm quite upset. Quite. I cried through a conference call at work today. Fortunately, I didn't have to do much talking.
On another note, is anyone on MyFitnessPal? If so, let's be friends. Today is day two of low carb. I need LOTS of accountability!
Tuesday, January 10
Good news, bad news, good news...
I know, I'm a terrible blogger these days. I'm sorry.
So, things have been really crazy at home, and DH and I haven't even really had a chance to talk about things other than housework, child care, etc. Things are perhaps a bit better, and certainly not worse. I guess they are more in a holding pattern than anything.
Ready for some other updates?
GOOD NEWS: There are some changes brewing in our lives (yes, again) that are HUGE. HUGE HUGE HUGE. Really good changes. Please keep me in your thoughts as they will or won't pan out over the next few days. Fingers are so tightly crossed, I can barely type.
BAD NEWS: I have been sick since the day after Christmas. It all started with a really bad cough that was the worst at night. I barely slept for a few days, so I finally went to the doctor and got some meds. In the mean time, with all the coughing, mucus, and non-sleeping, I just couldn't eat. I was nauseous all the time and just generally not interested in food.
The cough was so bad that I vomited several times during that first week. Then the coughing/vomiting morphed into a really bad case of reflux at night. I would wake up choking on stomach acid. I couldn't even sleep with five pillows under my head. I finally ended up in the ER, because any time I attempted to eat or drink, I would get severe lower back pains. Like worse than labor or kidney stone pains. And I had unrelenting nausea. Bloodwork, rectal exam (so fun), CT scan, and urinalysis later, it was determined that I was just severely dehydrated and malnourished. Their solution was to send me home with instructions to eat and drink. Ha, eating or drinking caused pain. I no likey pain. So I no eatey or drinky.
Obviously, that's no way to live, so I made yet another appointment with my MD. Now, if you are smarter than me, or perhaps an MD, you've probably already suspected a band issue. I did not. Partly because the ER's CT scan said my "gastric band is in place." Partly because I didn't want it to be true. Partly because I would never connect lower back pain with a band in my upper front.
A few phone calls to a bariatric surgeon and an x-ray later, it was determined my band has slipped.
Sigh.
Unfortunately, now it's Friday at 4 pm, so my options are to be admitted to the hospital for the weekend or to tough it out at home. I opted to go home. Between Friday at 4 pm and my appointment with my new bariatric surgeon on Monday at 11 am, I ate nothing and drank less than 4 ounces. Again, me no likey pain.
The surgeon took one look at my x-ray and unfilled me completely. I had almost immediate relief. I've been able to eat and drink. I have an upper GI tomorrow, and another visit with him later this week. He's very hopeful it'll go back, but of course, I'm still nervous, especially since I am self-pay. It's one thing to pay to get a band, it's an entirely other to pay to take it out. That would suck. But he said he's fairly confident it'll go back to where it should be.
Thankfully, Angela kept me grounded and didn't let me jump off the ledge, even though I was about to!
I'll take any good vibes you have and keep you posted.
GOOD NEWS: I lost a bunch of weight, thanks to not eating. And even with eating and drinking yesterday, the scale was down again this morning. 176.2 lbs! HOLY CRAP!!!! I am within 4 lbs of my goal weight. AMAZING. I am in disbelief. I have lost 198.2 lbs, if I am doing the math right.
So, things have been really crazy at home, and DH and I haven't even really had a chance to talk about things other than housework, child care, etc. Things are perhaps a bit better, and certainly not worse. I guess they are more in a holding pattern than anything.
Ready for some other updates?
GOOD NEWS: There are some changes brewing in our lives (yes, again) that are HUGE. HUGE HUGE HUGE. Really good changes. Please keep me in your thoughts as they will or won't pan out over the next few days. Fingers are so tightly crossed, I can barely type.
BAD NEWS: I have been sick since the day after Christmas. It all started with a really bad cough that was the worst at night. I barely slept for a few days, so I finally went to the doctor and got some meds. In the mean time, with all the coughing, mucus, and non-sleeping, I just couldn't eat. I was nauseous all the time and just generally not interested in food.
The cough was so bad that I vomited several times during that first week. Then the coughing/vomiting morphed into a really bad case of reflux at night. I would wake up choking on stomach acid. I couldn't even sleep with five pillows under my head. I finally ended up in the ER, because any time I attempted to eat or drink, I would get severe lower back pains. Like worse than labor or kidney stone pains. And I had unrelenting nausea. Bloodwork, rectal exam (so fun), CT scan, and urinalysis later, it was determined that I was just severely dehydrated and malnourished. Their solution was to send me home with instructions to eat and drink. Ha, eating or drinking caused pain. I no likey pain. So I no eatey or drinky.
Obviously, that's no way to live, so I made yet another appointment with my MD. Now, if you are smarter than me, or perhaps an MD, you've probably already suspected a band issue. I did not. Partly because the ER's CT scan said my "gastric band is in place." Partly because I didn't want it to be true. Partly because I would never connect lower back pain with a band in my upper front.
A few phone calls to a bariatric surgeon and an x-ray later, it was determined my band has slipped.
Sigh.
Unfortunately, now it's Friday at 4 pm, so my options are to be admitted to the hospital for the weekend or to tough it out at home. I opted to go home. Between Friday at 4 pm and my appointment with my new bariatric surgeon on Monday at 11 am, I ate nothing and drank less than 4 ounces. Again, me no likey pain.
The surgeon took one look at my x-ray and unfilled me completely. I had almost immediate relief. I've been able to eat and drink. I have an upper GI tomorrow, and another visit with him later this week. He's very hopeful it'll go back, but of course, I'm still nervous, especially since I am self-pay. It's one thing to pay to get a band, it's an entirely other to pay to take it out. That would suck. But he said he's fairly confident it'll go back to where it should be.
Thankfully, Angela kept me grounded and didn't let me jump off the ledge, even though I was about to!
I'll take any good vibes you have and keep you posted.
GOOD NEWS: I lost a bunch of weight, thanks to not eating. And even with eating and drinking yesterday, the scale was down again this morning. 176.2 lbs! HOLY CRAP!!!! I am within 4 lbs of my goal weight. AMAZING. I am in disbelief. I have lost 198.2 lbs, if I am doing the math right.
Tuesday, December 13
And there it is...
I never thought it would be me, but lo and behold, my husband is blaming my surgery and subsequent weight loss for my 'attitude problem.'
Le sigh.
Le sigh.
Le sigh.
I admit, we are having some rocky moments (ok, hours and/or days) lately. And maybe my attitude has changed - I don't want to sit around anymore, I want to get stuff done, I want to be active. I am bored watching tv. I'm bored with naps. So yes, my attitude has changed. But what am I supposed to do?
I want more out of life. I am no longer content to watch it pass before me. I go-go-go now, and it is physically painful for me to not go-go-go. I ran 2.5 miles this morning, watched my friends kids, took the kids to DD's ballet class, went grocery shopping, ordered three photo sessions worth of photos, cleaned two bathrooms, did a few loads of laundry, made dinner, cleaned up, and did a few other random things. And I am not exhausted.
So, what is fair? I don't expect him to have the energy I have now, but by the same token, I don't want to sit around. We are having a hard time finding the balance between what I want and what he wants.
I'm not really looking for answers (although if you have some, toss them my way). I'm more just throwing it out to the universe, hoping some solutions will come to me. We're going to try counseling; we need someone to help us navigate this new part of our relationship. We love each other deeply, but I'm not the same person he married, and I don't want to be that person again. We need to figure out how to allow me to be the new me while still being the person he married. And we also need to figure out how I balance my new interests with what his interests continue to be.
I never in a million years thought we'd be the ones in this position. He supports and appreciates my weight loss. But he's not sure how to manage this new person! And honestly, I am not sure I know how to either. We'll figure it out, though, together. At least, I hope...
On other random notes:
Le sigh.
Le sigh.
Le sigh.
I admit, we are having some rocky moments (ok, hours and/or days) lately. And maybe my attitude has changed - I don't want to sit around anymore, I want to get stuff done, I want to be active. I am bored watching tv. I'm bored with naps. So yes, my attitude has changed. But what am I supposed to do?
I want more out of life. I am no longer content to watch it pass before me. I go-go-go now, and it is physically painful for me to not go-go-go. I ran 2.5 miles this morning, watched my friends kids, took the kids to DD's ballet class, went grocery shopping, ordered three photo sessions worth of photos, cleaned two bathrooms, did a few loads of laundry, made dinner, cleaned up, and did a few other random things. And I am not exhausted.
So, what is fair? I don't expect him to have the energy I have now, but by the same token, I don't want to sit around. We are having a hard time finding the balance between what I want and what he wants.
I'm not really looking for answers (although if you have some, toss them my way). I'm more just throwing it out to the universe, hoping some solutions will come to me. We're going to try counseling; we need someone to help us navigate this new part of our relationship. We love each other deeply, but I'm not the same person he married, and I don't want to be that person again. We need to figure out how to allow me to be the new me while still being the person he married. And we also need to figure out how I balance my new interests with what his interests continue to be.
I never in a million years thought we'd be the ones in this position. He supports and appreciates my weight loss. But he's not sure how to manage this new person! And honestly, I am not sure I know how to either. We'll figure it out, though, together. At least, I hope...
On other random notes:
- I ran my fastest mile yet this morning - 12:15. GO ME!
- I tried on a ring-sizer. My wedding ring is a 8.25. My new size is 6. Um, yeah, that's why I can't wear it without fear of losing it!
- Running is finally paying off after 8 weeks. I am toning up like crazy. Pants that fit two weeks ago are getting loose. I LOVE IT!
- I'm thinner now than when I started college. Craziness!
Monday, October 24
Suffering from Fat Girl Fear Syndrome
Seriously, I do still suffer from Fat Girl Fear Syndrome AKA FGFS. You know, the fear of sitting on a fragile looking chair, like a plastic deck chair. Or fitting on a carnival ride. Or the seat belt fitting when flying. Or being the largest person in the room. All those things you fear when you are as heavy as I was and don't want to draw attention to yourself or embarrass yourself.
I really thought I'd outgrow FGFS, but I haven't in a lot of ways. I still think twice about sitting on things. We had a town festival last weekend, and I was afraid to get on one of the rides with my kids.
It is just so strange how the mind works, because in other ways, I forget I was ever as heavy as I was. I plop down on the floor with my kids without a second thought. I tie my shoes without having to take a breath first. I run upstairs to grab somethning without having to work up the energy for 10 min first. Hmmm, maybe it's the day-to-day things that are easier to do without FGFS, which would totally make sense.
I wonder when I will get over FGFS. I don't want to have those fears any more, not even for a fleeting moment. Not that I will ever forget where I came from, nor will I ever not be sympathetic to the girl who is standing in the corner hoping no one notices her, but I want to fully appreciate this body and the life that I get to live in it.
I'm working on it. As much as this journey has seemed long, it's not even been two years yet, and really, it's only been about 3 months since I've been "normal" in terms of weight and BMI, so I can see why my mind isn't there yet.
Oh well, off to do something I no longer fear - RUNNING! Holy hell, I am loving it! Just don't tell Angela or she'll be signing me up for the Princess Half!
I really thought I'd outgrow FGFS, but I haven't in a lot of ways. I still think twice about sitting on things. We had a town festival last weekend, and I was afraid to get on one of the rides with my kids.
It is just so strange how the mind works, because in other ways, I forget I was ever as heavy as I was. I plop down on the floor with my kids without a second thought. I tie my shoes without having to take a breath first. I run upstairs to grab somethning without having to work up the energy for 10 min first. Hmmm, maybe it's the day-to-day things that are easier to do without FGFS, which would totally make sense.
I wonder when I will get over FGFS. I don't want to have those fears any more, not even for a fleeting moment. Not that I will ever forget where I came from, nor will I ever not be sympathetic to the girl who is standing in the corner hoping no one notices her, but I want to fully appreciate this body and the life that I get to live in it.
I'm working on it. As much as this journey has seemed long, it's not even been two years yet, and really, it's only been about 3 months since I've been "normal" in terms of weight and BMI, so I can see why my mind isn't there yet.
Oh well, off to do something I no longer fear - RUNNING! Holy hell, I am loving it! Just don't tell Angela or she'll be signing me up for the Princess Half!
Monday, September 26
It's happening to me, too.
I remember reading some blogs about people who were much further along in the band process than I was, and I would read their blogs and I would honestly think to myself, "Yep, she's full of shit. Totally lying."
And now, yep, it's happening to me, too. And I swear, I'm not full of shit!
I have NO idea what size I really am. I am not really content with my body where it's at. And I feel like I am in the twilight zone.
Now, let me preface this by saying that I AM happy where I am. I mean, I'd be a fool not to be happy at having lost 180 lbs. And you know, I do wear my floppy, saggy, baggy, elephant skin with a bit of pride.
However, there is that part of my brain that has been damaged by being fat for so long that is just not on board with the rest of my brain.
Problemo Numero Uno: I don't know what size I am.
I am not really in plus sizes any more. I am pretty solidly in size 16 on the bottom (some 18s) and L or XL on top. However, regular 16s are cut so differently than 16W. And I have a nice saggy belly now that regular 16s don't always accommodate. Some do. Some don't. I'm not used to that. Pants have always been too big in my waist to make up for my thunder thighs and booty. AND my boobs are shrinking. I'm not really complaining, but I do kinda miss the girls sometimes. I'm still filling out my DDDs, so I must have been much bigger than that previously. I look around, and I see other women's bodies, and I wonder if I look like them. I really have no concept of what I look like. I should take some pics I do realize. Sometimes I feel like I still have sooooo far to go. And other days, I feel like I am almost there. And that kind of leads to my second point...
Problemo Numero Zwei: I am not really content with my body.
I am saggy. Very, very saggy. Part of it is my fault for not working out as much as I should have. But a large part of it is just due to being so heavy for so long. In a sick twisted way, I sometimes miss my round, full belly. It may have been big, but it was soft in a Renaissance painting kind of way. Is that totally twisted? Now my belly looks like it has cross hatch marks on it. Don't believe me? Ask Stephanie - I showed her. And she didn't disagree. You know when someone kind of nods along with you that it's as bad as you think. Because it is. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad she didn't lie to me - Stephanie wouldn't! - but it confirms that it's not the most attractive look in the whole world.
And my thighs. They're horrific. If I have enough wine some night, I'll take pics and post. It's as bad as you can possibly imagine.
Sooooo....
I have 3 lbs to lose until my first goal (190 lbs), 13 lbs to my second goal (180 lbs) and 20 lbs to my aspirational goal (173 lbs and a BMI of 24.9). I can't even begin to imagine 3 or 13 or 20 lbs is going to solve these issues. Because they aren't. These issues are mainly in my head and in my inability to redefine myself as a "thin" or at least "thinner" person.
I think part of it is I see myself now as I thought I looked at 374 lbs. Does that make any sense?
It is just going to take time. And acceptance. The bottom line is I am NORMAL now. I wear a 16. Not generous 16s like I tell myself. Not select 16s like I sometimes tell myself. The other bottom line is I did a lot of permanent damage to my body. I am never going to have a bikini body. But you know what? Bikini bodies are a dime a dozen. Bodies that have the history of significant weight loss are not. And I am going to strut this for-real-16-with-lots-of-saggy-skin body with pride, and that small part of my brain that is totally fucked up? It's just going to have to get over itself!
One last thing, I have shared my blog with a real-life friend for the first time. HI, D! She's in the process of going through her lap-band classes and hopes to have her surgery before the end of the year. How about a few shout-outs to her to start a blog?! Work your magic, BOOBS!
And now, yep, it's happening to me, too. And I swear, I'm not full of shit!
I have NO idea what size I really am. I am not really content with my body where it's at. And I feel like I am in the twilight zone.
Now, let me preface this by saying that I AM happy where I am. I mean, I'd be a fool not to be happy at having lost 180 lbs. And you know, I do wear my floppy, saggy, baggy, elephant skin with a bit of pride.
However, there is that part of my brain that has been damaged by being fat for so long that is just not on board with the rest of my brain.
Problemo Numero Uno: I don't know what size I am.
I am not really in plus sizes any more. I am pretty solidly in size 16 on the bottom (some 18s) and L or XL on top. However, regular 16s are cut so differently than 16W. And I have a nice saggy belly now that regular 16s don't always accommodate. Some do. Some don't. I'm not used to that. Pants have always been too big in my waist to make up for my thunder thighs and booty. AND my boobs are shrinking. I'm not really complaining, but I do kinda miss the girls sometimes. I'm still filling out my DDDs, so I must have been much bigger than that previously. I look around, and I see other women's bodies, and I wonder if I look like them. I really have no concept of what I look like. I should take some pics I do realize. Sometimes I feel like I still have sooooo far to go. And other days, I feel like I am almost there. And that kind of leads to my second point...
Problemo Numero Zwei: I am not really content with my body.
I am saggy. Very, very saggy. Part of it is my fault for not working out as much as I should have. But a large part of it is just due to being so heavy for so long. In a sick twisted way, I sometimes miss my round, full belly. It may have been big, but it was soft in a Renaissance painting kind of way. Is that totally twisted? Now my belly looks like it has cross hatch marks on it. Don't believe me? Ask Stephanie - I showed her. And she didn't disagree. You know when someone kind of nods along with you that it's as bad as you think. Because it is. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad she didn't lie to me - Stephanie wouldn't! - but it confirms that it's not the most attractive look in the whole world.
And my thighs. They're horrific. If I have enough wine some night, I'll take pics and post. It's as bad as you can possibly imagine.
Sooooo....
I have 3 lbs to lose until my first goal (190 lbs), 13 lbs to my second goal (180 lbs) and 20 lbs to my aspirational goal (173 lbs and a BMI of 24.9). I can't even begin to imagine 3 or 13 or 20 lbs is going to solve these issues. Because they aren't. These issues are mainly in my head and in my inability to redefine myself as a "thin" or at least "thinner" person.
I think part of it is I see myself now as I thought I looked at 374 lbs. Does that make any sense?
It is just going to take time. And acceptance. The bottom line is I am NORMAL now. I wear a 16. Not generous 16s like I tell myself. Not select 16s like I sometimes tell myself. The other bottom line is I did a lot of permanent damage to my body. I am never going to have a bikini body. But you know what? Bikini bodies are a dime a dozen. Bodies that have the history of significant weight loss are not. And I am going to strut this for-real-16-with-lots-of-saggy-skin body with pride, and that small part of my brain that is totally fucked up? It's just going to have to get over itself!
One last thing, I have shared my blog with a real-life friend for the first time. HI, D! She's in the process of going through her lap-band classes and hopes to have her surgery before the end of the year. How about a few shout-outs to her to start a blog?! Work your magic, BOOBS!
Tuesday, April 26
Workout blues and another virgin alert.
Frickin A. I have worked out six days in a row and guess what's happened to my weight loss? Yep. Stall. I know, I know, I know. I know what advice I'd give someone else, but seriously, I don't like it. Make it stop. I better lose 5 lbs overnight, or DH is going to weigh even less than me. Wahhhh. Not fair. Muscles are totally overrated. (Not really, just whining.)
Likewise, I think I'm eating too little. I've had this problem in the past, and I find it so ironic. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to shove my piehole full of sugar and carbs, but I have no appetite for anything Atkins-legal. Not that I don't like the food (I do), I just am not hungry. It's an interesting conundrum for a fat girl, to say the least.
As for the virgin alert, I tried my first CLICK shake today, and I feel the love. Boy oh boy, was it tasty. A tad expensive and a tad high in carbs (12 per serving), but YUMMO! Honestly, almost as good as a frappucino. Definitely better than the nasty light frappucinos. I added a bit of heavy cream to mine, and I enjoyed every sip of it.
On the menu for dinner is low carb pizza. I made a crust of eggs and a bunch of different cheeses. If it turns out good, I'll share, as it may be easier to eat for us bandsters. I hope it's good, or I may have to have a second CLICK shake for dinner. Ha.
Well, guess I have nothing else to bore you guys with today. Off to make some returns at Target and buy some hand weights. I've been working out with sugar-free Davinci syrup bottles. Yep, I'm cool like that.
Likewise, I think I'm eating too little. I've had this problem in the past, and I find it so ironic. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to shove my piehole full of sugar and carbs, but I have no appetite for anything Atkins-legal. Not that I don't like the food (I do), I just am not hungry. It's an interesting conundrum for a fat girl, to say the least.
As for the virgin alert, I tried my first CLICK shake today, and I feel the love. Boy oh boy, was it tasty. A tad expensive and a tad high in carbs (12 per serving), but YUMMO! Honestly, almost as good as a frappucino. Definitely better than the nasty light frappucinos. I added a bit of heavy cream to mine, and I enjoyed every sip of it.
On the menu for dinner is low carb pizza. I made a crust of eggs and a bunch of different cheeses. If it turns out good, I'll share, as it may be easier to eat for us bandsters. I hope it's good, or I may have to have a second CLICK shake for dinner. Ha.
Well, guess I have nothing else to bore you guys with today. Off to make some returns at Target and buy some hand weights. I've been working out with sugar-free Davinci syrup bottles. Yep, I'm cool like that.
Monday, March 28
I don't even expect anyone to respond.
Have you ever put something off and the longer you put it off, the harder it becomes to do? That's how I felt about writing this post. I don't know why. I mean, we're all friends here. I don't have to post daily or weekly, if I don't want to. But I DO want to. But then I start feeling like everyone's stayed in touch except for me, and that I'm a big loser who no one cares if I write or not, and then I let those feelings feed off each other until it's been six weeks since I've EVEN LOGGED IN, because I get all weird about it.
So, there you have it. I am weird. And I let my weirdness feed on itself until I've weirded myself out about doing something that's totally no big deal. UGH. I should probably get some therapy, huh?
Since I last wrote:
So, there you have it. I am weird. And I let my weirdness feed on itself until I've weirded myself out about doing something that's totally no big deal. UGH. I should probably get some therapy, huh?
Since I last wrote:
- I got to meet Angela. Holy cannoli, she is the sweetest, the cutest, the most motivating. She is simply awesome.
- I completed a half-marathon, in no small part thanks to Angela, who gave me the motivation to finish. It was hell, I was exhausted, but I did it.
- I was in my BFF's wedding in California. It was absolutely beautiful, and it was so much fun to wear a size 18 dress. And I hired Joey to design their wedding gift, which turned out better than I could have ever dreamed!
- I've intereviewed with FIVE companies and have a sixth scheduled for Thursday.
- I had one job offer I turned down. It was with D*isney. The pay was PATHETIC. Pitiful really. Half of what I made at my last job, and my last job was a small non-profit in one of the most economically disadvantaged cities in the entire country.
- I had to turn down an invitation to join the lovely BOOBS in Chicago, once again. I have already had two girls' only trips this year and am planning another to go see a dear friend who's pregnant when she has her baby next month (ironically in Chicago). I think DH would leave me if I asked for a fourth girls' only trip this year.
- I'm back down to my lowest weight. And think I'm finally ready to enter uncharted territory.
- I realized I've not had a fill in nearly 11 months! Crazy!
- I've been super busy with photography and finally have paying customers!
Wednesday, November 24
Quietly sneaking in the back door...
I feel like I am trying to sneak in past curfew without waking my parents up...
Assuming you'll all take me back, thank you for letting me take a break. I desperately needed it. My head feels back on straight. I'm no longer feeling down. I'm happy and me again. I don't know exactly what it is that happened, but a break from thinking about my band 24/7 and focusing on the rest of my life certainly helped. I will say that it's been so nice just 'living'.
Here's a run down of what's been going on the last 5 or so weeks:
And in the mean time, check these out - I'm welcoming myself back by sharing a few new pics of the kids I took this weekend...
Assuming you'll all take me back, thank you for letting me take a break. I desperately needed it. My head feels back on straight. I'm no longer feeling down. I'm happy and me again. I don't know exactly what it is that happened, but a break from thinking about my band 24/7 and focusing on the rest of my life certainly helped. I will say that it's been so nice just 'living'.
Here's a run down of what's been going on the last 5 or so weeks:
- 5 rounds of company for 17 days straight. We finally got our house back yesterday.
- DD turned 3!
- I lost 1 lb.
- My restriction is coming back from my unfill. I just tried to eat chips - um, not so much.
- My BFF got engaged. She's getting married in Paso Roblos next March, so it gives me something to aim for once again.
- I forgot where the gym is! Better get in gear considering my first half-marathon is 3 months away.
- I've inched towards my 1-year bandiversary, which is tomorrow! Stay tuned...
And in the mean time, check these out - I'm welcoming myself back by sharing a few new pics of the kids I took this weekend...
Tuesday, October 19
You people...
...are turning me into a druggie!
After all the very supportive comments, I decided to take the Zoloft. I started it Friday. I'll let you know if and when I feel a difference.
I forced myself back to the gym today. 2 miles of running/walking. Going again tomorrow. I have been working on my resume (thanks for the suggestions and leave me your email if you want to help!), getting back into my housecleaning routine, taking the kids for evening walks to the park, and cooking healthy meals. My heart isn't totally in it, but sometimes you gotta fake it 'til you make it, right?
I tried to take pics of my kids over the weekend, but had a disaster instead. I dropped my camera about 4" onto the carpet and broke my favorite lens! WAHHHH! I am lost without that lens, so I am shopping for a new one. I think I'm going to upgrade and use my Christmas/birthday gifts from DH to get a better one, so good news/bad news, I guess. I just need to make a decision soon, as DS just turned 18 months and DD turns 3 next month. I need to take their pics!
And on that note, here's my brag for the day - some pics I took of my friend's newborn last week. I really enjoy taking photos; I guess I really should put a little effort into getting a side business going. Well, that's assuming anyone thinks my work is worth paying for!
After all the very supportive comments, I decided to take the Zoloft. I started it Friday. I'll let you know if and when I feel a difference.
I forced myself back to the gym today. 2 miles of running/walking. Going again tomorrow. I have been working on my resume (thanks for the suggestions and leave me your email if you want to help!), getting back into my housecleaning routine, taking the kids for evening walks to the park, and cooking healthy meals. My heart isn't totally in it, but sometimes you gotta fake it 'til you make it, right?
I tried to take pics of my kids over the weekend, but had a disaster instead. I dropped my camera about 4" onto the carpet and broke my favorite lens! WAHHHH! I am lost without that lens, so I am shopping for a new one. I think I'm going to upgrade and use my Christmas/birthday gifts from DH to get a better one, so good news/bad news, I guess. I just need to make a decision soon, as DS just turned 18 months and DD turns 3 next month. I need to take their pics!
And on that note, here's my brag for the day - some pics I took of my friend's newborn last week. I really enjoy taking photos; I guess I really should put a little effort into getting a side business going. Well, that's assuming anyone thinks my work is worth paying for!
Friday, October 15
Here.
I'm here. Thanks to everyone who checked up on me - Maria, Heidi, Angela...It's so nice knowing I am missed.
I talked to my gyn about my unhappiness/depression/issues, and she prescribed Zoloft. I have the prescription filled, but I haven't taken it yet. I'm just not sure I want to take any meds. Sigh. If I'm debating it this much, I should probably just take them, right? (ETA: It's not that I feel shame taking them - it's the side effects I'm concerned about - weight gain, jittery, insomnia, decreased sex drive, etc.)
Other than that, I am eating crappy and exercising even less. That changes this minute. I have a half-marathon to run in 4 months - I must get my butt in gear. I also have a one year bandiversary approaching, and I'd like to lose at least 130 lbs in the first year, if not more. I also know I'll feel better if I do both of those things. I also need to get a bit of a refill; it's just time and money holding me back.
On a fun note, DH & I just bought Disney passes (they started a monthly payment plan), and we took the kids to the Magic Kingdom for their first visit last weekend. I think we'll head back again this weekend.
Finally, anyone out there a resume expert? If so, would you be willing to help me? I think I have a strong resume, but it needs to be stronger.
I promise to start posting and commenting again. I missed you too much to stay away!
I talked to my gyn about my unhappiness/depression/issues, and she prescribed Zoloft. I have the prescription filled, but I haven't taken it yet. I'm just not sure I want to take any meds. Sigh. If I'm debating it this much, I should probably just take them, right? (ETA: It's not that I feel shame taking them - it's the side effects I'm concerned about - weight gain, jittery, insomnia, decreased sex drive, etc.)
Other than that, I am eating crappy and exercising even less. That changes this minute. I have a half-marathon to run in 4 months - I must get my butt in gear. I also have a one year bandiversary approaching, and I'd like to lose at least 130 lbs in the first year, if not more. I also know I'll feel better if I do both of those things. I also need to get a bit of a refill; it's just time and money holding me back.
On a fun note, DH & I just bought Disney passes (they started a monthly payment plan), and we took the kids to the Magic Kingdom for their first visit last weekend. I think we'll head back again this weekend.
Finally, anyone out there a resume expert? If so, would you be willing to help me? I think I have a strong resume, but it needs to be stronger.
I promise to start posting and commenting again. I missed you too much to stay away!
Thursday, October 7
Blah
Sorry I'm not writing nor commenting. Just feeling blah about everything. My band, my life, my husband, my SAHM-ness, my non-working-ness, my house, finances, housework, eating, not eating, weight loss, exercise, lack of friends down here, lack of babysitters down here, and so on.
At least the weather is enjoyable - low 80s during the day, high 50s at night.
I have a gyn appt tomorrow morning, and I am seriously considering asking for a 30-day (or six week, whatever is standard) prescription for something to help break me out of what I think is 'situational depression'. I'm not sure if that's even what it is, or if she'll do anything about it, or really if that's what I even need, but I need something to help me snap out of this.
I'll be back - I'm not even really leaving. I just need a day or two to process this mood.
At least the weather is enjoyable - low 80s during the day, high 50s at night.
I have a gyn appt tomorrow morning, and I am seriously considering asking for a 30-day (or six week, whatever is standard) prescription for something to help break me out of what I think is 'situational depression'. I'm not sure if that's even what it is, or if she'll do anything about it, or really if that's what I even need, but I need something to help me snap out of this.
I'll be back - I'm not even really leaving. I just need a day or two to process this mood.
Saturday, September 25
10 month bandiversary
10 months = 122.2 lbs and 109.75" gone. Yes, I am happy!
Here's the update on the unfill situation.
I ended up going to the ER Thursday night. I was feeling very lousy and just wanted it done and over with. I called before I went, and they assured me the surgeon would do a small unfill. I asked the nurse before I checked in and she said he would as well. I asked the doc that saw me first, and he said the same thing.
Three people told me he would only do a small unfill.
I was so dehydrated, they admitted me overnight and when I saw the surgeon in the AM, he insisted on a complete unfill. I refused. I asked him if his office would guarantee they'd take me as a patient, and he said no. Well, then I wasn't risking a complete unfill with no guarantees of a surgeon who'd refill me. I was also exhausted (didn't sleep at all - they had me in a 'observation room' with 10 billion other people and refinishing of the floors going on right outside the open door).
Then they wanted me to sign AMA paperwork (leaving "against medical advice"). Well, I refused that as well (could affect insurance paying for my visit), so they finally found a doctor who released me. Sigh.
I came home and called Heidi's doc. They were willing to see me, but the bariatric coordinator (the person I'd be seeing) wasn't thrilled with how my restriction came on and was a bit concerned about a slipped band (even though I had x-rays a the hospital that showed that it is fine), and I could just tell was a little hesitant about doing a small unfill. I don't blame her at all. She suggested I have my original surgeon call the local surgeon to see if they'd take me as a patient. Well, I couldn't reach anyone at my surgeon's office (Fridays are fill days and are crazy), so after many tears and second-guessing (was really regretting not getting the complete unfill at the ER - even debated going back!), I finally made an appointment for Monday with Fill Centers USA. I really wanted to go see Heidi's doc, but I hadn't slept and the thought of driving 6 hours in that state was more than my exhausted mind and body could handle.
So, I am on clear liquids (self-imposed) until Monday. I did try some coffee with cream last night, and it went down OK, so if we are out and about today, I may try a latte with whole milk from Starbucks. I haven't PB'ed since Tuesday (Wed?).
I guess I just have to be the odd-ball. I was reading on LBT, and there were several cases of people like me - the more they lost, the tighter their band got! One woman had to get an unfill after every 20 lbs lost, until she was basically unfilled when she was at goal, and still had restriction. It wouldn't surprise me if this happened to me. It took me such a BIG amount to get restriction - it just seems like maybe this is the flip side of that.
I hope everyone is having a blast in Chicago! I am totally jealous of everyone having a great time while I am sucking down clear liquids. :)
Here's the update on the unfill situation.
I ended up going to the ER Thursday night. I was feeling very lousy and just wanted it done and over with. I called before I went, and they assured me the surgeon would do a small unfill. I asked the nurse before I checked in and she said he would as well. I asked the doc that saw me first, and he said the same thing.
Three people told me he would only do a small unfill.
I was so dehydrated, they admitted me overnight and when I saw the surgeon in the AM, he insisted on a complete unfill. I refused. I asked him if his office would guarantee they'd take me as a patient, and he said no. Well, then I wasn't risking a complete unfill with no guarantees of a surgeon who'd refill me. I was also exhausted (didn't sleep at all - they had me in a 'observation room' with 10 billion other people and refinishing of the floors going on right outside the open door).
Then they wanted me to sign AMA paperwork (leaving "against medical advice"). Well, I refused that as well (could affect insurance paying for my visit), so they finally found a doctor who released me. Sigh.
I came home and called Heidi's doc. They were willing to see me, but the bariatric coordinator (the person I'd be seeing) wasn't thrilled with how my restriction came on and was a bit concerned about a slipped band (even though I had x-rays a the hospital that showed that it is fine), and I could just tell was a little hesitant about doing a small unfill. I don't blame her at all. She suggested I have my original surgeon call the local surgeon to see if they'd take me as a patient. Well, I couldn't reach anyone at my surgeon's office (Fridays are fill days and are crazy), so after many tears and second-guessing (was really regretting not getting the complete unfill at the ER - even debated going back!), I finally made an appointment for Monday with Fill Centers USA. I really wanted to go see Heidi's doc, but I hadn't slept and the thought of driving 6 hours in that state was more than my exhausted mind and body could handle.
So, I am on clear liquids (self-imposed) until Monday. I did try some coffee with cream last night, and it went down OK, so if we are out and about today, I may try a latte with whole milk from Starbucks. I haven't PB'ed since Tuesday (Wed?).
I guess I just have to be the odd-ball. I was reading on LBT, and there were several cases of people like me - the more they lost, the tighter their band got! One woman had to get an unfill after every 20 lbs lost, until she was basically unfilled when she was at goal, and still had restriction. It wouldn't surprise me if this happened to me. It took me such a BIG amount to get restriction - it just seems like maybe this is the flip side of that.
I hope everyone is having a blast in Chicago! I am totally jealous of everyone having a great time while I am sucking down clear liquids. :)
Wednesday, September 1
Not sure there's one title for this doozy.
There's so much to say, I'd do bullets, but it's even too much for bullets, so how about bold headlines?
Working Out with Mick Jagger
Just got back from a great workout at the gym. I really pushed myself, which is ironic, since I really only went this morning to get a break from the kids! I'm having a bit of port pain (I get it every now and again); just feels a bit like a pulled muscle, but I just wasn't in a workout mood.
I did 25 min on the treadmill to start. 10 min warm-up followed by 15 min of alternating 1.5 min run and 1.5 min walk. I decided, while on the treadmill, that since I can't go to BOOBS, I'd do a 5K that day instead while you are all doing the BOOB run/walk.
Then 2 rounds of weight lifting where I upped several of my weights. Ended with a 4.5 min run.
I also got to work out next to this annoying guy (he was on an elliptical) who kept stopping every 30 sec to adjust his shoe. I don't know why but it was driving me fucking. insane. like. no. other.
The woman next to me was working out with a curler in her bangs. Yep, you read that correctly.
And to round out my wacky morning, dude on the weights was Mick Jagger, I swear. Complete with the crazy hair held in place with a white terry cloth headband.
Another goal met & crazy thoughts
I officially weigh less than the lowest point I got to when I last lost weight (early 2007). This means this is the smallest I've probably been since 2003ish? It's the smallest my husband has seen me. It's the smallest my kids have seen me (obviously).
The flip side of this (which I really am happy about being here, I am!) is I am kinda ticked at myself for needing to lose 112 lbs to even get to this point. Sigh. I know there is no changing the past, but damn, 112 lbs gained in 7ish years. And that was with a bunch of dieting in there!
I think what's driven it home is that I am receiving clothes from some very generous bandsters, and I am not saying this to make anyone feel bad for me or tell me how great I am doing (logically, I know I am). But the clothes they are sending me are from when they were their biggest. It didn't bother me much when I was bigger. But now that I've lost 112 lbs and I am STILL bigger than they were to start, I don't know - it's just getting to me. When I was 374 lbs, I would have given anything to weigh just 262 lbs. But now I'm feeling generally dissatisfied here. I guess that's ultimately a good thing, as it'll keep me pushing forward and downward.
Goals
I haven't set any goals recently, other than aiming to stay above 2 lbs/week lost. But in trying to get out of this mini-funk over my "112 lbs lost and still fat" attitude, I thought I'd look forward to some milestones. Assuming I lose at 2.4 lbs/week on average (I'm averaging just over that right now), here's some goals I'm going to aim for:
BIL Wedding (10.2) - 254 lbs/120 lbs lost
Thanksgiving/First Bandiversary (11.25) - 235 lbs/139 lbs lost
Christmas/New Year's - 223 lbs/151 lbs lost
My Birthday (1.28) - 213/161 lbs lost
I know I won't likely hit them all, but I like having goals to reach for. It keeps me honest (kinda like weighing myself daily). The first one, BIL's wedding, is probably the 'biggest' for me, as I'd love to be able to answer "120 lbs" when people inevitably ask how much I've lost.
Random Shit
My band is behaving much better. I ate okay last night. Sticking to soup for lunch, but making meatloaf for dinner. Thinking I am back to a pretty sweet spot. Sweet!
My dad is having hip replacement revision surgery as we speak. He's at the Cleveland Clinic with a world leader in hip revisions, so he's in very good hands, but all positive vibes/thoughts/prayers would be greatly appreciated. His body metabolizes pain meds way too efficiently, and he was in incredible pain last time, so he is really dreading the recovery. I'm keeping my fingers crossed this surgery isn't as tough on him and that this doc will be able to find something that makes the pain tolerable.
That's enough for today! Later, gators...can't wait to see what everyone comes up with for Thousand Word Thursday!
Working Out with Mick Jagger
Just got back from a great workout at the gym. I really pushed myself, which is ironic, since I really only went this morning to get a break from the kids! I'm having a bit of port pain (I get it every now and again); just feels a bit like a pulled muscle, but I just wasn't in a workout mood.
I did 25 min on the treadmill to start. 10 min warm-up followed by 15 min of alternating 1.5 min run and 1.5 min walk. I decided, while on the treadmill, that since I can't go to BOOBS, I'd do a 5K that day instead while you are all doing the BOOB run/walk.
Then 2 rounds of weight lifting where I upped several of my weights. Ended with a 4.5 min run.
I also got to work out next to this annoying guy (he was on an elliptical) who kept stopping every 30 sec to adjust his shoe. I don't know why but it was driving me fucking. insane. like. no. other.
The woman next to me was working out with a curler in her bangs. Yep, you read that correctly.
And to round out my wacky morning, dude on the weights was Mick Jagger, I swear. Complete with the crazy hair held in place with a white terry cloth headband.
Another goal met & crazy thoughts
I officially weigh less than the lowest point I got to when I last lost weight (early 2007). This means this is the smallest I've probably been since 2003ish? It's the smallest my husband has seen me. It's the smallest my kids have seen me (obviously).
The flip side of this (which I really am happy about being here, I am!) is I am kinda ticked at myself for needing to lose 112 lbs to even get to this point. Sigh. I know there is no changing the past, but damn, 112 lbs gained in 7ish years. And that was with a bunch of dieting in there!
I think what's driven it home is that I am receiving clothes from some very generous bandsters, and I am not saying this to make anyone feel bad for me or tell me how great I am doing (logically, I know I am). But the clothes they are sending me are from when they were their biggest. It didn't bother me much when I was bigger. But now that I've lost 112 lbs and I am STILL bigger than they were to start, I don't know - it's just getting to me. When I was 374 lbs, I would have given anything to weigh just 262 lbs. But now I'm feeling generally dissatisfied here. I guess that's ultimately a good thing, as it'll keep me pushing forward and downward.
Goals
I haven't set any goals recently, other than aiming to stay above 2 lbs/week lost. But in trying to get out of this mini-funk over my "112 lbs lost and still fat" attitude, I thought I'd look forward to some milestones. Assuming I lose at 2.4 lbs/week on average (I'm averaging just over that right now), here's some goals I'm going to aim for:
BIL Wedding (10.2) - 254 lbs/120 lbs lost
Thanksgiving/First Bandiversary (11.25) - 235 lbs/139 lbs lost
Christmas/New Year's - 223 lbs/151 lbs lost
My Birthday (1.28) - 213/161 lbs lost
I know I won't likely hit them all, but I like having goals to reach for. It keeps me honest (kinda like weighing myself daily). The first one, BIL's wedding, is probably the 'biggest' for me, as I'd love to be able to answer "120 lbs" when people inevitably ask how much I've lost.
Random Shit
My band is behaving much better. I ate okay last night. Sticking to soup for lunch, but making meatloaf for dinner. Thinking I am back to a pretty sweet spot. Sweet!
My dad is having hip replacement revision surgery as we speak. He's at the Cleveland Clinic with a world leader in hip revisions, so he's in very good hands, but all positive vibes/thoughts/prayers would be greatly appreciated. His body metabolizes pain meds way too efficiently, and he was in incredible pain last time, so he is really dreading the recovery. I'm keeping my fingers crossed this surgery isn't as tough on him and that this doc will be able to find something that makes the pain tolerable.
That's enough for today! Later, gators...can't wait to see what everyone comes up with for Thousand Word Thursday!
Wednesday, August 25
I birthed a band!
My band has gestated to maturity! 9 months after first implanting this little sucker...
...gone are:
Having the courage to make the decision to get the band is one of the things I'm most proud of myself for. Not the losing with the band, not the work I've put in, but the courage to admit I had a problem that was bigger than I could tackle on my own. That's the hardest step, at least it was for me.
Have I been a perfect bandster? No. Will I be a perfect bandster in the future? Nope. However, I do 90% of it right, and 90% is usually a passing grade anywhere you go. I don't drink with meals or for 30 min afterwards, I don't drink soda, I focus on protein (when my stupid band isn't being fickle and tightening out of nowhere), I workout, and I eat 3 meals plus 1 (occasionally 2) small snack per day. What don't I do "right"? I drink calories (lattes, coffee creamer, gatorade, watered-down juice), I eat chocolate and cheese and all my other high-cal favs, and I don't count calories.
I've been thinking a lot about my cross roads post, where I talked about buckling down to lose faster or continuing my 90% approach and losing a little more slowly. I finally realized (with the help of my mom) that when I buckle down and go balls-to-the-wall with anything, especially dieting, I burn myself out and have a swing-back that typically counteracts any progress I've made. I've done it 100s of times. In fact, I think it was this approach that helped me to 'diet' my way to nearly 400 lbs. So, with that in mind, I'm going to keep on this path I'm on, of being happy with 2 lbs/week and no obsessing, and see where it takes me. I reserve the right to change my mind in the future, but I'm enjoying this journey, and if I take the enjoyment out, I see trouble brewing. And why cause trouble when there is none?
If my 90% effort gets me 90% results, you know, I might just be okay with that. 180 lbs gone certainly wouldn't upset me!
And with that, I will talk to you all later, maybe even post some progress pics if I actually take a shower today. LOL. If I'm a bit absent these next few days, it's because my mom is in town for a quick visit. Smooches!
...gone are:
- 107 lbs
- 99.25"
- The fear of not ever being able to lose weight once and for all
- My self-consciousness over my size; I'm still fat, but I feel normal-fat instead of stand-out-fat now
- Swollen ankles and sore feet
- Self-confidence
- Faith in myself
- A better attitude towards everything in my life
- More happiness
Having the courage to make the decision to get the band is one of the things I'm most proud of myself for. Not the losing with the band, not the work I've put in, but the courage to admit I had a problem that was bigger than I could tackle on my own. That's the hardest step, at least it was for me.
Have I been a perfect bandster? No. Will I be a perfect bandster in the future? Nope. However, I do 90% of it right, and 90% is usually a passing grade anywhere you go. I don't drink with meals or for 30 min afterwards, I don't drink soda, I focus on protein (when my stupid band isn't being fickle and tightening out of nowhere), I workout, and I eat 3 meals plus 1 (occasionally 2) small snack per day. What don't I do "right"? I drink calories (lattes, coffee creamer, gatorade, watered-down juice), I eat chocolate and cheese and all my other high-cal favs, and I don't count calories.
I've been thinking a lot about my cross roads post, where I talked about buckling down to lose faster or continuing my 90% approach and losing a little more slowly. I finally realized (with the help of my mom) that when I buckle down and go balls-to-the-wall with anything, especially dieting, I burn myself out and have a swing-back that typically counteracts any progress I've made. I've done it 100s of times. In fact, I think it was this approach that helped me to 'diet' my way to nearly 400 lbs. So, with that in mind, I'm going to keep on this path I'm on, of being happy with 2 lbs/week and no obsessing, and see where it takes me. I reserve the right to change my mind in the future, but I'm enjoying this journey, and if I take the enjoyment out, I see trouble brewing. And why cause trouble when there is none?
If my 90% effort gets me 90% results, you know, I might just be okay with that. 180 lbs gone certainly wouldn't upset me!
And with that, I will talk to you all later, maybe even post some progress pics if I actually take a shower today. LOL. If I'm a bit absent these next few days, it's because my mom is in town for a quick visit. Smooches!
Friday, August 6
99 bottles of beer on the wall
You take one down, pass it around...
OK, I won't pass it around, since I don't want you guys to have it. If I were really talking about beer, I'd pass it around, but since I'm talking about POUNDS LEFT TO LOSE, I won't pass you any when I am done with them!
Seriously, I finally have less than 100 lbs to lose.
It's starting to sink in! Double digits, baby! For real, I honestly think this is the most exciting milestone yet. Maybe not most exciting, maybe most sinking in? Most that I want to celebrate? Whatever it is, it feels DAYYYUUUUMMMM (that's damn all drawled out) good to be here.
I can totally do 99 lbs. Like in my sleep. And with an arm tied behind my back. Surely I jest, I know it's not going to be easy, weight loss never is. But it is going to be done. By me!
I used to hate, hate, hate when I was a total newbie (since I'm still kind of a newbie), and I'd read a blog when someone would say, "If I can do it, anyone can." Blah blah blahcakes. Who did they think they were????
But seriously, that's how I feel now, and I want to scream it from a stage to an arena full of fatties who feel lost and depressed and sure they are never going to lose their excess weight. I want everyone who feels despondent over their weight loss attempts and failures to know they can do it.
I had 200+ lbs to lose. I was facing a journey much longer than 95% of bandsters. It sucked to be in that 5%, believe me. I'd look at others and think, "Well, hell, they only have {insert any number less than 200 here} to lose." And it wasn't really with jealousy; OK, it was with jealousy that they'd gotten smarter sooner than me. But it wasn't jealousy over their 'smaller' journey. It just made mine seem that much longer, bigger, harder, worse. The reality I've learned, though, is everyone's journey is longer, bigger, harder, worse in their own way. Because each person's journey is their own and comes complete with their own challenges. Whatever your challenges are, you can do this. You really can. You know why?
Because if I can do this, anyone can.
The light at the end of the weight loss tunnel isn't just visible, it's shining brightly. It's kinda like the light calling to CarolAnne, except this one is beckoning me with its promises of cute clothes, a svelte body, and health.
If you couldn't tell, it's a good day to be me.
(On a not-so-fun note, I PB'ed on water yesterday. I couldn't understand why. Granted, I gulped it, but I have gulped umpteen times. Then I PB'ed dinner (scrambled eggs, sigh). I hadn't PB'ed in close to a month. I was perplexed until I went to the bathroom, only to discover an uninvited guest had come to visit for a few days. This was my first real experience with TOM tightness aka TOMT. I put myself on a liquid diet today to get the swelling to go down, as that second PB was a humdinger and I was still feeling it when I went to bed last night. I was getting a tad concerned about slippage, but I think I just really irritated it. The upside of liquid? Weight loss!)
OK, I won't pass it around, since I don't want you guys to have it. If I were really talking about beer, I'd pass it around, but since I'm talking about POUNDS LEFT TO LOSE, I won't pass you any when I am done with them!
Seriously, I finally have less than 100 lbs to lose.
It's starting to sink in! Double digits, baby! For real, I honestly think this is the most exciting milestone yet. Maybe not most exciting, maybe most sinking in? Most that I want to celebrate? Whatever it is, it feels DAYYYUUUUMMMM (that's damn all drawled out) good to be here.
I can totally do 99 lbs. Like in my sleep. And with an arm tied behind my back. Surely I jest, I know it's not going to be easy, weight loss never is. But it is going to be done. By me!
I used to hate, hate, hate when I was a total newbie (since I'm still kind of a newbie), and I'd read a blog when someone would say, "If I can do it, anyone can." Blah blah blahcakes. Who did they think they were????
But seriously, that's how I feel now, and I want to scream it from a stage to an arena full of fatties who feel lost and depressed and sure they are never going to lose their excess weight. I want everyone who feels despondent over their weight loss attempts and failures to know they can do it.
I had 200+ lbs to lose. I was facing a journey much longer than 95% of bandsters. It sucked to be in that 5%, believe me. I'd look at others and think, "Well, hell, they only have {insert any number less than 200 here} to lose." And it wasn't really with jealousy; OK, it was with jealousy that they'd gotten smarter sooner than me. But it wasn't jealousy over their 'smaller' journey. It just made mine seem that much longer, bigger, harder, worse. The reality I've learned, though, is everyone's journey is longer, bigger, harder, worse in their own way. Because each person's journey is their own and comes complete with their own challenges. Whatever your challenges are, you can do this. You really can. You know why?
Because if I can do this, anyone can.
The light at the end of the weight loss tunnel isn't just visible, it's shining brightly. It's kinda like the light calling to CarolAnne, except this one is beckoning me with its promises of cute clothes, a svelte body, and health.
If you couldn't tell, it's a good day to be me.
(On a not-so-fun note, I PB'ed on water yesterday. I couldn't understand why. Granted, I gulped it, but I have gulped umpteen times. Then I PB'ed dinner (scrambled eggs, sigh). I hadn't PB'ed in close to a month. I was perplexed until I went to the bathroom, only to discover an uninvited guest had come to visit for a few days. This was my first real experience with TOM tightness aka TOMT. I put myself on a liquid diet today to get the swelling to go down, as that second PB was a humdinger and I was still feeling it when I went to bed last night. I was getting a tad concerned about slippage, but I think I just really irritated it. The upside of liquid? Weight loss!)
Friday, July 23
Mixed Emotions
The Happy, Good, and Fun to Read About:
- I've been to the gym most days and am really enjoying it. It's so much different to go when I don't feel the pressure of getting home for X, Y, or Z reason. I can take my time and really get into it and not feel guilty about what I'm not doing while working out (cooking, cleaning, seeing the kids, etc.) This SAHM stuff rocks!
- DH's last day at the store is tomorrow, as the warehouse is almost ready to go. What this means is no more 13 hour days (or at least not regularly) and he can set his own schedule for the most part. Oh, have I mentioned what he does? He is the warehouse/inventory manager for his company. While the warehouse was being finished, they had him working at their storefront, just to keep him busy. It was crappy retail hours.
- I've found some more meals that go down easily for me: quesadillas (I make them at home with refried beans, sauteed onions, and cheese and then dip them in sour cream.); homemade chicken cordon bleu; steamed broccoli; tortellini salad. All of these work really well for me, and I like it! I still struggle in the AMs a bit (yogurt is even tough), but I do fine the rest of the day, as long as I am careful.
The Sad, Bad, and Not So Fun to Read About:
- My weight loss has stalled at 97 freakin' lbs. I *know* it's because of the exercise, and I know it is better for me in the long run, and I knew this was going to happen. And I told myself it wouldn't bother me. But it does! Why did I start working out 3 lbs from 100 lbs lost? Dumb, dumb, dumb.
- DD puked all over her carseat the other night. Have I ever told you how much I hate puke? I cannot deal. And with this band, my gag reflex has gotten to the point where if I gag, I ralph. It was a nightmare. To be honest, I can't get every little bit of it off (for those without kids, you cannot completely dissemble a carseat), and while it was over $300, I am seriously ready to pitch it. Even though it doesn't smell and you can't see it, I *know* it's there, and I can barely deal with it. It was the heat that did her in, so both of my kids are now forward-facing where they can get air blowing on them. I am a safety fanatic, so this bothers me to no end, but cleaning up puke bothers me more.
- My grandfather (dad's dad) passed away this afternoon. I'm so thankful for the time we got to spend with him before we moved down here (the kids and I stayed at my parents' house for five days, and he lived with them). He was 92 and had fibrosis of the lungs. He went to sleep Wednesday night and was never really coherent after that. They'd had hospice in with him for about two weeks, so he went peacefully. No pain and no struggle. I'm sure he's with my grandma in heaven, having a great time reuniting. We'll miss him terribly, but he lived a long, full life and left a wonderful legacy. He lived at home with my grandma until he was almost 90. He wasn't even really frail until the last few months, so while I'm sad, I'm thankful for all he had and did and how long I got to have a wonderful grandpa. I mostly feel bad for my dad; he's an only child and now both of his parents are gone. Here's a pic we took of the four generations just last month:
Saturday, July 17
Interesting morning at the gym
In case you are keeping track, that's three times in four days. Have I mentioned before how all or nothing I am? ;) Read on and you'll get a real sense of it...
I dropped the kids off and headed for the cardio equipment. Got on the elliptical and did "quick start" which automatically starts your time down from 60 min. My first workout a few days ago was 20 min on the elliptical, so I was planning on doing 30 min today.
I got 30 min in and realized I could keep going.
I got 40 min in and realized I could keep going.
I got 50 min in and realized I might as well go for an hour.
I got 60 min in and realized I was just about 10 calories away from burning 700.
I did that damn thing for 61.5 min! And I burned 700 calories.
See? All or nothing!
Here's the other interesting thing that happened. I was ellipticalling away when "Greatest Love of All" club mix by the great Whitney came on. I have always loved Whitney. And I have always loved that song.
Today was the first time I think I ever really listened to the words.
Because the greatest love of all is happening to me
I've found the greatest love of all inside of me
The greatest love of all is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all
I had a moment. I admit. A total moment. Between all your wonderful comments about my new pics and 'do, feeling powerful, and finally realizing that I can do this, I started bawling. On a Saturday morning at the gym. In the middle of a bunch of people working out. Just bawling. Thankfully, I was already extremely sweaty and red-faced, so I am not sure anyone noticed, and honestly, I really don't care.
I had a moment, and I have a feeling it's going to be a defining moment in this journey.
I dropped the kids off and headed for the cardio equipment. Got on the elliptical and did "quick start" which automatically starts your time down from 60 min. My first workout a few days ago was 20 min on the elliptical, so I was planning on doing 30 min today.
I got 30 min in and realized I could keep going.
I got 40 min in and realized I could keep going.
I got 50 min in and realized I might as well go for an hour.
I got 60 min in and realized I was just about 10 calories away from burning 700.
I did that damn thing for 61.5 min! And I burned 700 calories.
See? All or nothing!
Here's the other interesting thing that happened. I was ellipticalling away when "Greatest Love of All" club mix by the great Whitney came on. I have always loved Whitney. And I have always loved that song.
Today was the first time I think I ever really listened to the words.
Because the greatest love of all is happening to me
I've found the greatest love of all inside of me
The greatest love of all is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all
I had a moment. I admit. A total moment. Between all your wonderful comments about my new pics and 'do, feeling powerful, and finally realizing that I can do this, I started bawling. On a Saturday morning at the gym. In the middle of a bunch of people working out. Just bawling. Thankfully, I was already extremely sweaty and red-faced, so I am not sure anyone noticed, and honestly, I really don't care.
I had a moment, and I have a feeling it's going to be a defining moment in this journey.
Tuesday, July 13
Band vs. Food
I haven't posted lately about how my band treats me, so I figured it was time. I'm often surprised by what I can/cannot eat and how much/little I can eat.
I don't have what I'd consider a "typical" day in eating, but I'll tell you what the last few days:
Yesterday:
B: Homemade cappuccino with 2% milk
L: 1 c. broc-cheese soup
D: 1/2 McD's mac snack wrap + 10 fries
S: Coffee with creamer and 2 Costco choc chip cookies
(Yes, it was an awfully unhealthy day...)
Two days ago:
B: Coffee with creamer
L: 4 oz. of italian shake n bake chicken breast with spaghetti sauce
D: 1/2 c. bbq shredded pork + 1/2 c. sauteed brussel sprouts
S: Handful of M&Ms + handful of blueberries
I realize I don't make the healthiest choices, however, I also am quite satisfied, so until the scale stops or something else makes me change my ways, I'll keep on keepin' on.
I'm often amazed by how little I eat. I mean, really, really little amounts of food. Sometimes I will feel a bit stuck after 2 bites, and I am done until the next meal. And I don't starve to death in the mean time, despite what I used to think would happen if I didn't gorge at every meal.
I rarely eat what I would consider a LOT anymore. Take last night - I had 1/2 of a snack wrap and a few fries. DH had THREE double cheeseburgers and most of a large fries. I'm not too proud to admit I would have eaten the same thing in the past. Maybe only 2 burgers, but still at least 3-4x as much food as I eat now.
Along the lines of what I can/cannot eat, it's also often surprising.
Things that consistently cause me problems, much to my surprise and/or dismay:
I don't have what I'd consider a "typical" day in eating, but I'll tell you what the last few days:
Yesterday:
B: Homemade cappuccino with 2% milk
L: 1 c. broc-cheese soup
D: 1/2 McD's mac snack wrap + 10 fries
S: Coffee with creamer and 2 Costco choc chip cookies
(Yes, it was an awfully unhealthy day...)
Two days ago:
B: Coffee with creamer
L: 4 oz. of italian shake n bake chicken breast with spaghetti sauce
D: 1/2 c. bbq shredded pork + 1/2 c. sauteed brussel sprouts
S: Handful of M&Ms + handful of blueberries
I realize I don't make the healthiest choices, however, I also am quite satisfied, so until the scale stops or something else makes me change my ways, I'll keep on keepin' on.
I'm often amazed by how little I eat. I mean, really, really little amounts of food. Sometimes I will feel a bit stuck after 2 bites, and I am done until the next meal. And I don't starve to death in the mean time, despite what I used to think would happen if I didn't gorge at every meal.
I rarely eat what I would consider a LOT anymore. Take last night - I had 1/2 of a snack wrap and a few fries. DH had THREE double cheeseburgers and most of a large fries. I'm not too proud to admit I would have eaten the same thing in the past. Maybe only 2 burgers, but still at least 3-4x as much food as I eat now.
Along the lines of what I can/cannot eat, it's also often surprising.
Things that consistently cause me problems, much to my surprise and/or dismay:
- Potato chips - every. single. time. I eat them, I get stuck or PB.
- Thick pasta - not surprising, I guess, just sad.
- Smooshy potatoes - as in mashed, in soups, etc., anything where they get a bit 'gluey', I cannot do. I miss clam chowder.
- Rice - again, not surprising so much, but a bummer for sure.
- Lettuce - especially if it is slimey/soggy (like on the snack wrap, I had to pull it off). I miss salads. A lot. (Thanks, Janice, for making me remember this!)
Things I can eat that I didn't think I'd be able to:
- Pizza - as long as I go slow and it's a thin(ner) crust, I'm fine.
- Tortillas - again, slow and steady and I'm fine.
- Skinny pasta - angel hair and thin spaghetti work just fine.
I'm sure there is more for both lists, but of course, I cannot think of them right now. If/when I do, I'll edit. (This post was much more exciting and informative in my head!)
Finally, in this episode of Band vs. Food, I have to tell you, I still have many thoughts of "I sure wish I could just dig into {insert food here} without having to think about the consequences." Huge bites of pizza, a massive burger, a Chipotle burrito, a bag of chips with a vat of dip, and so on. Sigh. It is totally worth it, don't get me wrong, but 34 years' worth of eating one way isn't easily erased. Sometimes I watch DH eat, and I miss my comfort zone. Which leads me to my final thought - I absolutely could not have lost 94 lbs without the band. My addiction to food is just too strong. Maybe someday, but honestly, I think I'm a lifelong bandster.
Saturday, July 10
I got called out.
And I love it!
Jess made the following comment on my "I am downplaying my weight loss to my friends and family" post:
I gotta call you out here a little Ames. You didn't exactly play down the 90 lbs on your blog. And while I am BY NO MEANS saying you should, because you're doing AMAZING and should celebrate every single pound, I think you play it down in real life for other reasons. I'm not speculating why but I do the same sometimes. So think about it and repost. =)
I have been thinking about it, and here's what I've concluded.
I want 90 lbs to be a big deal. I really do. But it just doesn't feel big to me. So, I tried posting it in a way that made it seem like it was a big deal to me, so maybe I would convince myself that it was.
Because yeah, it's much easier to write something that doesn't convey your feelings than it is to say it in the same way. I can rewrite, edit, highlight, bold, and rework a post until it conveys what I want it to. I can't do that when talking to friends and family. So you guys, my blogger friends, got the dishonesty. I'm so sorry about that! I just really wanted it to be exciting, and I hoped maybe some comments from others would get me excited. And they did. So, I appreciate all the comments, because they did work. Although I'm still not overly excited about it. How's that for confusing?
Hell, I forgot to tell my husband that I hit 90 lbs until we were ready to go to bed.
I keep thinking of Joey when she hit 100 lbs lost and didn't even say anything about it for a few days. And how Amy said onederland wasn't as big of a deal as she had anticipated for so long. I know I am paraphrasing here, and I hope I'm not incorrectly putting words in people's mouths, but I totally get it now. I couldn't understand how they weren't jumping for joy, and now I do.
So, Jess, thanks for making me think. I so appreciate it. I still haven't decided if my non-excitement is a good thing or a bad one, but it is what it is. I'll work on it. :)
Jess made the following comment on my "I am downplaying my weight loss to my friends and family" post:
I gotta call you out here a little Ames. You didn't exactly play down the 90 lbs on your blog. And while I am BY NO MEANS saying you should, because you're doing AMAZING and should celebrate every single pound, I think you play it down in real life for other reasons. I'm not speculating why but I do the same sometimes. So think about it and repost. =)
I have been thinking about it, and here's what I've concluded.
I want 90 lbs to be a big deal. I really do. But it just doesn't feel big to me. So, I tried posting it in a way that made it seem like it was a big deal to me, so maybe I would convince myself that it was.
Because yeah, it's much easier to write something that doesn't convey your feelings than it is to say it in the same way. I can rewrite, edit, highlight, bold, and rework a post until it conveys what I want it to. I can't do that when talking to friends and family. So you guys, my blogger friends, got the dishonesty. I'm so sorry about that! I just really wanted it to be exciting, and I hoped maybe some comments from others would get me excited. And they did. So, I appreciate all the comments, because they did work. Although I'm still not overly excited about it. How's that for confusing?
Hell, I forgot to tell my husband that I hit 90 lbs until we were ready to go to bed.
I keep thinking of Joey when she hit 100 lbs lost and didn't even say anything about it for a few days. And how Amy said onederland wasn't as big of a deal as she had anticipated for so long. I know I am paraphrasing here, and I hope I'm not incorrectly putting words in people's mouths, but I totally get it now. I couldn't understand how they weren't jumping for joy, and now I do.
So, Jess, thanks for making me think. I so appreciate it. I still haven't decided if my non-excitement is a good thing or a bad one, but it is what it is. I'll work on it. :)
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