Update on my naughty band

I finally, FINALLY had my appointment with Stephanie and Jacquie's surgeon today. First, he is AWESOME. I could cry - he listened, understood, and helped. Which is more than I can say for my last surgeon.

He reassured me I would lose this weight I had gained, that I had not failed the band rather the band had failed me, and that he still considers me a success, even with the weight gain and bummer band. I can't even tell you how much I've been beating myself up over this weight gain. I HATE it. I was SO in control, and now? Well, let's just say I haven't been full in six months, I constantly think/dream about food, and I have about four pairs of pants that fit.

We talked about the options:

• Fix/replace the band. As he said, and I would agree, I have been successful with the band. However, in light of my recent issues, the overall band complication rate, and my age (young-ish) combined with my original BMI (very high), I probably need something that is more permanent than the band. In addition, fixing/replacing the band is nearly as expensive as revising.
• Bypass. Great long-term success rates. Still the gold standard in WLS.
• Sleeve. He likes the sleeve because it has the same long-term success rates as bypass with less reliance on vitamins and supplements since it is not malabsorptive. 

Here's the plan of action:

• Upper GI today to determine if I have another slip. I will know the results tomorrow.
• If no slip (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE), then I will have the band removed and revise to sleeve in one surgery on August 31. This would be ideal, since I am self-pay and am not loaded.
• If I do have another slip, then the band has to come out first (mid-August). It would be another SIX FREAKING MONTHS until I can revise, so my stomach can heal. Ugh. For both my waist line and my wallet, this would be a bad option. Therefore, I CANNOT have another slip. It is just not an option.
• The surgeon who did the Upper GI said he did not see ANY restriction nor a slip, although the band is a little lower than he would expect. He was going to discuss with my surgeon, who is supposed to call me tomorrow. I am very hopeful that it is just a leaky band based on his findings and the band's behavior. Fingers, toes, everything is crossed!

The thing that has really sold me on the sleeve vs. bypass (since Amy W. asked) is that there are still revision options with the sleeve. You can still revise to bypass, which I obviously hope to not need, but I hoped that with the band as well. With bypass, you are pretty much at the end of the road, except for duodenal switch, which is a very involved, invasive surgery. I asked him, "If a perfect solution for obesity is discovered in 10 years, would you rather walk into it with a sleeve or bypass?" He answered sleeve, since your anatomy is less changed. And that was all I needed to know.

Please, if you are the crossing fingers, good thoughts, and/or praying type, can you do a little extra for me tonight? I really, really, really need to not have a slip! Thanks!

Back from the frozen tundra with the biggest NSV yet!

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did ya miss me?

I'm back, and whoa boy, have I got a story for you. In case I didn't mention it, I used to live in WI, so I know all about WI's fine dining choices. Of course, I don't get back very often anymore, so when I do, I like to hit all my favorites. The top of the list is, and has always been, Kopp's. Frozen custard heaven. Butter burger bonanza. Burgers are kinda out right now, but let's face it, frozen custard is like a bandster's dream come true.

Can you believe I planned this trip for almost two months, flew 2.5 hours to WI, and was in WI for 8 hours before BFF said, "Hey, do you want Kopp's?". And until she said that, it never once crossed my mind. Not even once.

Did you all feel that? It was the earth tipping off its axis. As that has never, ever, ever happened before. I did proceed to eat it twice, though. I'm not that much of an angel!

The trip was tons of fun - I will certainly share photos once I edit them. We went running twice - 3 miles and 5 miles. The half-marathon is in just under 8 weeks, and while I'm not yet prepared, I'm feeling good about where I am with it. We made our tutus and bought princess tiaras. I ate rather well and am looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in.

The break from the kids was great. The break from being MOM was great. The chance to relax and unwind was great. All in all, it was a fun five days. But I am glad to be home and look forward to getting back into a routine, since we've been wacky with guests and holidays and trips for more than two months now.

Alright, off to see what you guys have been up to! Smooches!

Perspective

It really is all about perspective, isn't it?

DH and I went out for an early anniversary dinner last night (four years on Thursday, but he'll be out of town). We headed to Red Lobster - I know, it's nothing too gourmet, but I knew there'd be plenty of choices for me.

So, back to perspective. My perspective on an indulgent, splurge meal:

Pre-banding: 2-3 cheddar bay biscuits, shared app with DH, salad drowning in dressing, probably a combo platter with lots of fried food, and if I could still shovel in a few more bites, maybe a shared dessert. Oh, and 4-5 cokes to wash it down. Diet if I was feeling virtuous.
Total calories: 2500-3000ish or more

Post-banding: 1/2 glass of water with lemon, crusty top off 1 cheddar bay biscuit, 1/3 of an order of lobster nachos (really yummy btw), and picked up a pint of Ben & Jerry's at Target for later, but opted to have a cup of hot cocoa instead because I just wasn't in the mood for ice cream (huh????).
Total calories: 600-700ish (total guess here)

DH plowed through a few biscuits, his salad, and a PLATTER of food. Granted, he needs to lose about 30 lbs, but it is just amazing to me how much food he can eat. And I used to eat just as much, if not more. Now I can't even imagine. At all.

Other perspectives are changing as well. I've lost 70 lbs, and while I'm proud of that, it's not the feeling I thought I'd have at this point. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm doing well, but it's really not about the total lost or the size I wear or whatever. It's about the journey, about living, about feeling good in my body.

My perspective has totally changed.

I'm 4 lbs from Twonesia, and while I am seriously looking forward to the day the scale says 299.8 lbs, I am not living for that day. I am just living. And enjoying it. And the scale will say that magical number soon enough, but it's not the be all, end all I anticipated it would be.

Does this make any sense?

My perspective has flip-flopped on weight loss:

Pre-banding: I lived, breathed, dreamt, discussed, analyzed, beat-like-a-dead-horse everything and anything to do with weight loss. How much exercise, what kind of exercise, what to eat, what not to eat, new food finds, points, calories, fat, fiber, splenda vs. sugar, fruits, veggies, no carb, low carb, protein. I fought tooth and nail for every ounce that came off and fought even harder to keep them off. It was a horrible struggle, one that left me unable to live life. I had to focus solely on my weight loss efforts, or the weight did not come (or stay) off. I was living a completely one-dimensional life, one that revolved around weight loss.

Post-banding: I am living. Weight loss is happening, and while I am putting in effort, it's not the Herculean efforts of before. I do think about what I am going to eat, but it's more from a perspective of what will go down and keep me satisfied. Food is still pleasurable, but it has a new goal for me - to keep me going until the next meal. And I get to eat yummy food - cheese, chocolate, lattes, butter - because I am limited in the amount I can eat. Exercise has become a part of my life. It's not something I do 2 hours every day. It's something that I incorporate into living - walks with the kids, a quick video here or there, parking further away in parking lots, taking the stairs at work. I do intend to focus more on exercise in the future, but for now, I don't have to kill myself at the gym and I can still lose weight. This is new for me. I am living a three-dimensional life, not living just for weight-loss, and enjoying every minute of it.

So, my last word on perspective is a bit judgmental. I hope that I can explain myself in a way that makes it a bit less judgmental sounding and a bit more "I've seen the light and want others to see it, too."

I periodically read the Weight Watchers message boards. I have for years and years - both for weight loss tips and because there are some funny people over there. I stumbled across the 200+ lbs to Lose board the other day, and wow, talk about perspective.

I obviously need to lose 200 lbs, so I can totally relate to most of them Some have already lost 200+ lbs, and their stories are amazing. But the large majority are early in their journeys, and more often than not, they are struggling. Two months, two weeks, two days into their journeys, many are posting "I just can't do this anymore" messages. They discuss WLS and why they can't/won't do it. They discuss how it's "the easy way out" and how WW is *the* way, but yet they are struggling so terribly.

There are honestly very few people there who've lost a significant amount of weight. It's mostly newbies who pop in for a few posts and then quit posting, which probably also means they've quit WW.

I used to buy into that perspective - WLS is cheating, and WW is the only *honorable* way to lose weight.

But now I want to shout at them, "THERE IS ANOTHER WAY." And it is the easier way. Not easy, but easier. And doable. And manageable. And makes life livable. And enjoyable. It makes food your friend and not your enemy.

My perspective has totally changed.

Friday Babbles

Let's see...what's rolling around in this pretty little head of mine...

• I think I have developed a fear of food. OK, not really, but it is strange in how when I look at a normal-size bowl of food, it looks H-U-G-E to me. I can't even fathom how I used to eat 3 or 4 bowls of chili and then couldn't even finish one bowl of my "Italian Chili" in an entire day yesterday. It's playing mind games with me.
• Following the band rules is HARD when you are on the tighter side. I know that the whole "eat your meal in 30 min" rule is in place so that bandsters don't graze their way through the day. But I can't eat a cup of food in 30 min, and then I feel guilty if I want to keep eating after 30 min. I need to revise the rule for me right now - 30 min OR 1 cup of food.
• People at work are really starting to notice my weight loss. I thank them, and then they inevitably ask how much I've lost. I hem and haw, and when I finally spit out "65 lbs", their jaws hit the floor. They are expecting me to say 25 or 30, I am sure. It's almost uncomfortable to say how much I've lost. I NEVER EVER EVER thought I'd be the person who doesn't want to say how much they've lost. Usually I am the one telling perfect strangers on the street about my latest weight loss efforts. It's bizarre.
• I am starting to drop sizes quickly. I started in size 8 LB pants, and couldn't really squeeze into any 28Ws, even though I tried to pretend I was a 28W. I finally pulled out some 26W and 28W pants/capris last week (some of my own, some from the sisterhood). I have on a pair of 26W capris from Avenue today (I think from Heidi?) and they are almost too big already. I am NOT complaining - it's just so weird that it took me 54 lbs lost to fit into them and then within 11 lbs, they are almost too big. It's hard for me to remember what I wore at certain weights, but I do know that I was a 20W when I weighed 260 lbs the last time I really lost weight, so that would be another 50 lbs and 3 or 4 sizes down, so I guess it does make sense that every 15 lbs or so is going to be another size down.
• Speaking of weight loss, I am now smaller than I have been since about July/August 2007. I weighed 262 lbs when I got pregnant in March 2007. And then I rocketed back up to 320 lbs while pregnant QUICKLY. So I would guess that I was around 310 in late summer, maybe more like early fall. Going down is so much more fun than going up!
• My friend is highlighting my hair this afternoon. YEAH! Maybe I'll try to vlog tonight...maybe.
• I got a message from my organization to Crystal Bowersox, who is in town doing her "hometown visit" thing that the Idol finalists do. She talked about her time being involved with us and how much it impacted her. I feel like a celebrity!
• And I forgot to mention, but a photo I took of one of my clients was published in a local monthly parenting newspaper this month!

Toodles! I am supposed to be working - shhhhh....

Food anxiety and the disappearing act

As I whined about previously, I had two banquets to attend this week for work. In my pre-band life, these made me very anxious. Would I get enough to eat? Would I be hungry throughout the evening? Would people think I was a pig if I heaped my plate full? What fast food would be open on my way home in case I was hungry? How many desserts could I eat before someone started counting them? These thoughts came fast and furious. And they rarely stopped long enough for me to even concentrate on whatever banquet/conference/meeting I was attending.

This week, however, my attitude at the banquets felt different. I took what I wanted, ate what I wanted, and put my fork down. The end.

Ok, not really the end, as I wasn't full per se, but I wasn't starving either. The best part, though, was the lack of anxiety over the food at the event. It's JUST banquet food. Why oh why did I ever let it make me anxious? I mean, who even likes banquet food anyhow? It's all the same - some saucy chicken, some butter-drowned-over-cooked veggie, and some dry starch. It's nothing to get excited over and certainly nothing to get anxious over!

I think part of what also played into the disappearance of the anxiety is the fact that I have discovered that hunger does not indeed kill you. It really doesn't! The band has dimmed my hunger enough that I can manage through it. I certainly am hoping next Wed's fill dims it a whole lot more, but I am learning (and managing it as well) how to deal with hunger more effectively. There is ALWAYS food available to me. I don't need to be anxious about it's availability or lack thereof. If I want something, I can have it. Maybe this is also tied into my non-dieting. Since nothing is really off limits, it doesn't call to me like it used to.

Whoa, I just reread what I wrote, and I guess I really am coming around mentally. Maybe they did band my brain after all!

Craaaaaaaaaaazy thoughts beat down

I have lots of crazy thoughts. As you, my loverly followers (and yes, I do mean loverly), already know.

I met a friend I used to play bunco with (Don't laugh! It's fun!) for lunch to discuss me taking her daughter's senior pictures. As we've discussed ad nauseum the past few days, I am uber-tight. The whole way to meet her, I had discussions with myself about ordering soup. A bowl of soup. Nothing else but soup.

We get to Chili's, and I peruse the menu and start having hallucinations about getting something else, telling myself that artichoke and spinach dip would probably go down just fine. Or chips and salsa. Or maybe even some kind of nacho.

WTH is wrong with me? Oh, that's right. Crazy. C-R-A-Z-Y. Like four shades of purple crazy (yeah, I have no idea what that means, but it sounds really crazy, doesn't it?).

I can't eat crap right now. I KNOW this. So, I push those thoughts aside. Victory, I say to myself. WRONG.

I then see that they have this express lunch that comes with chips, salad, and bottomless soup. Of course, I should get that, right? Bottomless soup. Perfect. Goes well with my lavendar, purple, violet, and royal, doesn't it?

Suddenly, I snap out of it and realize that one ONE ONE bowl of soup will be plenty.

And I order one bowl of soup.

VICTORY!

Take that crazy thoughts! Oh yeah! I am the champion. Queen was totally singing about ME. I so totally beat you down, crazy thoughts.

Too bad I was practically drooling while watching my friends eat. Oh well, still a victory, even if it was soaked with drool.

Head games

First, 100 followers! YEAH! Thanks so much for following my crazy babbles.

Second, 327.2 lbs this morning. HOLY HELL! I am melting. WOOHOO!

Third, and the reason I am melting is that I am on a serious head trip.

I was talking to my BFF last night and telling her how I was still tight, but that it was loosening up because I'd been able to eat a lot today (which was yesterday, but it was today in the convo - follow me?). I ticked off all this food I'd eaten:

B: 1/2 of a fruit and yogurt parfait from McD's and about 1/4 of a small iced coffee
L: 1 chicken nugget and 1 tiny bite of cheeseburger from Wendy's (we had company and fast food was just easier, as she is the pickiest person alive) and about 3 bites of Frosty
S: 3/4 oz cheese
D: 1.5 raviolis with sauce

As I said it, she was like, "Ummmm, BFF, you are crazy." And I realized she was right. That's hardly any food. That's about one meal's worth of food, not three meals' worth of food. Certainly not a day's worth of food.

My mindset is all screwy. And let's not even talk about the amount of food I keep ordering and wasting, because I am hungry and think I can eat it, but I can't.

Part of me started freaking out, because I am hungry a lot. Not eat-my-arm-off-hungry, but thinking-about-food-hungry. I was thinking it was because I was *still* too loose.

Then I had an epiphany. It's not because I am too loose. It's because I am too tight. Right? Follow me for a minute.

The amount of food I ate yesterday wouldn't help anyone feel full all day. Even if they were at perfect restriction, because it was such a small amount.

But if my band loosens just a bit, and I can eat in the ballpark of a cup of food per meal (not all day!), I am thinking I should feel restriction.

Is anyone following me here? What do you think? Or maybe I really am just crazy!

72%

I work 3 miles from home, so I often go home at lunch. I enjoy the peace and quiet. A lot.

Anyhow, I did an experiment today. I counted how many restaurants are on my drive home.

26

That's how many!

Then I got curious and decided to apply some Amerrific Reasoning to this.

26 restaurants over the course of 3 miles means I see 8.67 restaurants every mile.

Assuming I am averaging 30 mph, it takes 2 min to go every mile. Therefore, every 1 minute, I see 4.34 restaurants.

Assuming a restaurant comes into view and leaves in 10 sec (I really have no idea how long it actually is – just guesstimating), that means that 43 sec of every minute of my commute is spent viewing a restaurant.

This means 72% of my commute I am bombarded with thoughts about food. And knowing me, that means that I am thinking about food more than 72% of the time. Even if it is subconscious.

Obviously this is very unscientific, because it does not take into account stop signs, stop lights, seeing multiple restaurants at once, etc.

But it does illustrate a point. No wonder I'm always thinking about food. It's EVERYWHERE!

The sad thing is I've been to more than 50% of the aforementioned restaurants. So it's also no wonder I'm fat.

I don't wanna!

This is going to be a whiney post, so feel free to skip it. Seriously, whiney. I have a 2-year old at home - I know whiney. And this is going to be whiney.

I want restriction. I am not just hitting the wall with my dieting. I splatted against the wall like a fly. I am done. Done. Done. Done. As in not rare or even medium. But well, well done.

I was hanging on by a thread until yesterday, and all hell just broke loose. I am not surprised - 6 or 7 weeks is about how long I usually make it. And hmmm, oh, yeah, today is 7 weeks.

I won't go into details so as to not send your salivary glands into overdrive. But let's just say that last night's dessert (which I indulged in) might have found its way onto this morning's breakfast plate. Ok, the remains are in the garbage, and I shall repent at lunch.

Mentally, I keep falling into 'last supper' mode. I know once I get restriction, several things are going to be off limits, most likely. And mentally, I want them before my fill next Friday. However, I will get back on track right now and not let the madness continue.

Is it next Friday yet?

Amazingly good at being amazingly bad

I'm still contemplating the "Secret and Other Destructive Eating Habits" question. And I have come to realize I was either really, really GOOD or really, really, really BAD. There was rarely an in-between for me. I could undo a few months of GOOD in a few days or weeks of BAD. I am amazingly good at being amazingly BAD.

For example, while being BAD, I'd have a craving for something healthy, like a chicken salad. But instead of eating a grilled chicken salad with a light dressing, like I wanted to, I'd opt for chicken strips and fries. Because I was being BAD. I only ate salads when being GOOD. Therefore, I had to choose the BAD option. And hell, I don't even really like fries.

Another example is butter on veggies. I don't even care for butter on veggies. But in a BAD phase, I'd butter the heck out of our veggies. Why? Oh, yeah, because I'm BAD, and BAD = butter + veggies. Michael Jackson wrote BAD just for me.

I'd eat a bedtime snack, even if I wasn't hungry. Because I was in a BAD phase. A giant bowl of ice cream. Or a vat of buttered popcorn. Those are BAD snacks in Amy's World. And it doesn't matter if you want it or not. If you are BAD, you eat it. Because that's what you do when you are BAD.

I've always known this was a big problem for me, but I never could conscientiously overcome it. Maybe because I was always anticipating the next GOOD phase? Knowing I'd have to give all these things up, and so regardless of whether I wanted them or not, I felt like I had to eat them so I wouldn't miss them as much when I was being GOOD. Funny thing is I still missed them, whether or not I had eaten them recently.

So, as you can imagine, I rarely just maintained my weight. I have been gaining or losing since my senior year of high school. Lots more gaining than losing going on. My shot up the weight charts looks like a giant bolt of lightening.

My goal is to work through this and come out not feeling like foods are GOOD or BAD. To work towards a middle ground where food is neutral. Is that possible?

36 lbs gone and other babbles - and an NSV ALERT!

WOOHOO! I lost 5 lbs this week, bringing my total to an even, very cool, 18%-of-the-way-to-my-goal 36 lbs gone. I am beyond thrilled with that!

And I'm even more thrilled to be on soft meats starting today. I had 5 ham-and-cheese roll-ups for breakfast. They were super tasty, and boy, was it nice to sink my teeth into something other than what they serve at nursing homes.

My %&#$@*&%) period is STILL hanging around. Seriously. That blows. I know it's normal to be long and heavy when it's your first post-partum one, but I would like it to go away. Today, if possible.

I also still have a sore throat and a certain two-year old who will not sleep in her own bed. Or even in my bed without me. Ugh. It's time to pull out the mean parent cards and force her in her own bed, but I just don't have the energy. Maybe this weekend. I'm a-draggin'.

Two other things I wanted to mention:

*I hate, hate, hate not being able to drink while eating. I hate the dry, sticky feeling in my mouth. I hate the way the food feels like it sticks on its way down. I hate the lingering taste of the last bite before the next bite. I just hate it all. If you were a big drinker-while-eating, when did this get better for you?

*The Other Amy had a great post earlier this week about food habits/eating secrets that brought you to your highest weight. I certainly had my share.

I almost always, always overate at meals. I always had/have this feeling that I'm going to get hungry before my next meal, and of course, being hungry sucks, so I would do everything I could to avoid being hungry at all during the day. I have never been a big snacker, which probably attributed to this problem. I'd eat to stuffed, get hungry, and eat until stuffed again. Nice cycle, huh? I will say that pre-op + post-op diets have already started teaching me that hungry won't kill me, and I will survive until my next meal.

I also have a bad, bad case of 'all-or-nothing-itis' - in that, I am either on a diet or OFF a diet. Obviously more off than on. But I would be soooo good, so virtuous and stick to a diet perfectly for 2 weeks, 1 month, 2 months, etc. And then when I went off, boy, did I go off. I would eat everything I'd denied myself while dieting plus some. And I'd gain all my weight back plus a few friends. Rinse. Repeat. Talk about yo-yo dieting. I take the crown.

I can't say that I had a huge addiction to any one particular food or food group. I rarely drank regular pop. I did eat my share of fast food, but it was nothing outrageous, at least not outrageous enough to justify 374 lbs. I do love chocolate, but I rarely kept it in the house, so it was only occasional binges. I really do attribute my weight to the bad yo-yo dieting cycle and general overeating at every meal. Large meals at every meal + occasional binges = FAT.

This is why I am so excited about my band. Knowing that I'm not really a snacker and my general problem is overeating at meals, I really hope that my new behaviors + the band will make me successful. I have very high hopes, and since I'm determined to be successful, I have no doubt I will be!

PS - BEEP BEEP! NSV ALERT! NSV ALERT! BEEP BEEP! I went shopping today for snacks for our company's holiday party, which is tomorrow. I was so weirdly detached from what I was doing and had a hard time picking out things to buy. I stood in the chip aisle for like 5 minutes and couldn't decide what to get. Nothing was ringing my bell, when I suddenly realized, I didn't care, since I wouldn't be eating these foods. What an NSV! In the past, I would have been jumping for joy to get to do the shopping so I could pick out what *I* wanted to eat. This year, eh. YEAH!

Is it Monday already?

We got our tree up!

Oh, how the weekend flew by. Partly because I had about three more things I wanted to accomplish last night, and neither kid would go to sleep and stay asleep. I ended up sleeping with the two-year old in my bed, and boy, I do not sleep when she is in there, so yawn...

I snuck a peek on the scale this morning, and let's just say I should not have done that. I'm up about 5 lbs, which I *knew* to expect, but I was certainly hoping I'd be one of the lucky ones to avoid it. I haven't been consuming more than 1200 calories daily this week, so I logically know it's not 'real' weight, but it's still annoying. Oh well, I am in this journey for the long run and 5 lbs is not going to make a bit of difference when I'm at goal in two years, right? Ok, letting it go, letting it go...

I am proud to say I am on day 27 of 28 of my liquid diet (includes two weeks of pre-op.) I just have to make it through the rest of today and tomorrow, and then I get to start mushies! Looking back, this has already been an incredible journey, and I can't wait to see how the rest of it goes. In some ways, this is more exciting than the weight I've dropped, as this is the part *I* can control. I stuck with it, gave it 100%, used every bit of my willpower some days, have already started the rethinking process regarding food, and am ready to start the next phase.

And how's this for one of those "rethinking" things about food? I just realized today that I can actually eat Christmas dinner. I'm so used to not eating, I really hadn't even thought about the fact that I do get to eat with the family that day. This has to be significant in some way.

Which leads me to my next thought. I was talking to my mom earlier, and she asked if I had thought at all about the foods I'd foregone these last four weeks. Unfortunately, I have. I can name several things that I had to pass on. And then I went on to tell her that I still think about a piece of peanut butter pie that I passed over at my sorority's national convention over 10 years ago. I couldn't begin to tell you my roommate's name that I roomed and spent 24/7 with for FIVE days, but I can still describe exactly what that pie looked like. Of course, I was dieting at the time and starving. Honestly, I can do this with about 15 times in my life - tell you what I did (or did not) eat, but not tell you other details of the event. I think this is definitely something to bring up in my next therapy appointment. Disordered thinking of the first degree.

The good news is I'm not at all sad about this, but curious and excited to see how I can work through it. Does the mental work make your butt get smaller, too?