THANK YOU!

I knew posting here would help. Thanks for the supportive comments, the emails, the phone calls...I especially took to heart those of you who said I had inspired you. I felt (feel?) so lost that I forget that other people don't see me that way. Thank you!

I got to hang out with Heidi yesterday, and let me tell you, that woman is good for the soul.

I chatted with Angela Friday night, and we decided to do a hard-core protein shake/lean protein/steamed veggie "get serious" plan for two weeks. Protein shakes during the day, and lean protein+steamed veggies for dinner. I want to kick start my weight loss, as does she. We're starting tomorrow - anyone else???

I started Zoloft again. I was afraid of the side effects, specifically gaining weight, but it's not like I'm losing without it, so why not give it a real shot? So I am.

And just to clarify a few things, just so you guys don't think I'm a slacker. I live in a vacation home community. Out of the 400 or so houses in our neighborhood, I know of two others that are occupied annually (by old folks, nonetheless). And actually, the one couple has theirs up for sale. Anyhow, the rest of the houses, and I am not exaggerating, are vacation rentals. (Ours was as well until we rented it.) I have no neighbors. Obviously, a bad idea in hingsight, but we're only here until June, so we'll see where we go once our lease is up.

On the subject of babysitters, I'd LOVE to hire someone to watch the kids even once/week. So far, though, everyone I've contacted is $10-12/hour. Without me working, that's something we just can't afford. I am doing a babysitting swap with some of the moms in my moms' group, but that comes with a price of course - having to watch someone else's kids!

I'm not giving up. I just have to remember where I came from:

And where I am now:

The only obstacle between me and success is me.

I suckity suck suck SUCK.

I have a problem. For real.

You see, my head seems to be permanently up my ass. I cannot seem to pull myself together. Apparently, I like my life like this, or I would do something about it. Right?

I thought maybe putting it all out on the table here would help. So here goes nothing.

• I am eating like crap. I know I am, and it needs to stop. But I don't really want to stop. I like chocolate, I like cream in my coffee. I like soda (yep, the big no-no, and I've been committing it.) I'll eat good for about 6 hours, and then it all goes to hell. I have no desire to eat healthy. Thank goodness for restriction so I can't go hog wild.
• I am not exercising regularly. I haven't been to the gym in ages. I am running sporadically, and the only reason I am even doing that is I have this half-marathon coming up in less than 3 weeks, and I am not even close to being prepared. 13.1 miles should prove very interesting right around mile 10.
• I sit around all day doing jack crap. I take the kids somewhere daily (library, Disney, etc.), but beyond that, I don't do much. I have no friends or family here. DH has been working insane hours (24 days straight and counting, 80+ hours/week). I have no one to help me or to lean on or to give me a break. Honestly, I hate staying home with the kids. I hate making breakfast and lunch and dinner and snacks. They eat all the freakin' time. I hate cleaning the house. I hate reading books to them. I hate playing play-doh. I hate pretending to eat stuff DD makes in her play kitchen. Can you tell I hate it all?
• I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am applying for jobs. I think I have a decent resume, but no real bites so far. I don't even know what it is I want to do, though. I know what I am qualified for, but beyond that, I couldn't even tell you what I want to be doing in 5 years.

I've been trying to fake it until I make it. I have 8 photography shoots set up so I can build my portfolio. But then I get all discouraged, because to really make a go of it, I need about $5,000 in equipment that I don't have the funds for. I have been doing a bunch of online writing for pay, but the pay is crap. I made myself a to-do list for every day, and have been pretty good about checking stuff off of it, but the to-do list seems to be getting longer instead of shorter. I put things off that take about 5 min to do, and cause myself a bunch of stress for days while putting it off. I've gotten more involved in the local moms' group, hoping to make some friends, but I just haven't really clicked with anyone yet.

My faking it isn't going really well, though, obviously.

I feel like I need to make the best of this time I have left staying home and having the time to really exercise and do all that. I get all motivated every night and by the next morning, any motivation to do anything is gone once I realize I still have to take care of the kids, feed them, clean, and all that jazz.

So there it is. My giant pity party. My "my head is up my ass" story. I am so sorry that I keep disappearing and reappearing. If I could just get my act together...

My 2011 motto is...

PUSHING BEYOND MYSELF

I am ready to push my limits, stretch my boundaries, create new healthy routines, and live the life I was meant to live. A life that was made much more possible because of weight loss surgery, but a life that does not revolve just around my weight loss. It's about giving back, dreaming big, nurturing relationships, and most of all, pushing beyond who I was.

I would consider 2010 my "staging year". I did a lot of work to position myself (and my family) to have a fantastic 2011. I am ready to discover who I really am and what I really love. I am ready to live a life that is authentic, that at times pushes my limits while other times leaving me feeling content, that makes me feel good about who I am and what I contribute to my family, friends, and the world.

I am challenging myself to accomplish 111 things in 2011. Some are small, some are BIG, some are mundane, some are necessary, some are fantastical, some are very personal (I'm not sharing with anyone IRL except you guys), and some are just plain boring. Each has a purpose, though, the purpose of pushing me beyond myself.

Without further adieu, here is my list of "111 Things to Accomplish in 2011":

Household

1. Go on 3 month-long spending hiatuses.
2. Make bed daily.
3. Scoop litter boxes daily.
4. Establish a house-cleaning routine.
5. Leave the kitchen clean nightly.
6. Brush the cats weekly.
7. Create 7 easy dinners.
8. Create 7 crockpot dinners.
9. Create 7 cheap dinners.
10. Create 7 meatless dinners.
11. Create 6 week-long dinner menus.
12. Try 12 new recipes.
13. Send my Christmas Cards by 12/1/11.
14. Declutter each room once.
15. Have 12 no-food-waste weeks.
16. Swap out kids' toys weekly.
17. Swap out kids' books weekly.

Projects

18. Make Elise's baby book.
19. Make Beckett's baby book.
20. Make 2009 family album.
21. Make 2010 family album.
22. Make 2011 family album.
23. Organize and back-up all photos.
24. Scan all photos.
25. Scan all mom's photos.
26. Organize and back-up all videos.
27. Upload all cd's to iTunes.
28. Scan Elise's artwork weekly.
29. Scan Beckett's artwork weekly.

Photography

30. Complete a Project 365.
31. Learn how to use off-camera flash.
32. Complete Besties project.
33. Do 12 portfolio building shoots.
34. Launch amycooperphotography.com.
35. Host 3 mini-sessions.

Health

36. Floss daily.
37. Run 365 miles.
38. Track my miles run.
39. Post 3x/week on babblesofabandster.
40. Eat 2 different veggies daily.
41. Eat 2 different fruits daily.
42. Brush Beckett's teeth 2x/day
43. Brush Elise's teeth 2x/day.
44. Drink 2 liters of water daily.
45. Prepare one meatless dinner per week.
46. Eat completely meatless one day per week.
47. Prep one cold vegetable salad weekly.
48. Take Juice+ daily.
49. Give Beckett Juice+ daily.
50. Give Elise Juice+ daily.
51. Ensure Elise eats 2 fruits daily.
52. Ensure Beckett eats 2 fruits daily.
53. Ensure Elise eats 2 veggies daily.
54. Ensure Beckett eats 2 veggies daily.
55. Have cut-up veggies in fridge at all times.
56. Have cut-up fruit in fridge at all times.
57. Get my moles checked twice.
58. See the dentist twice.
59. Get a complete physical.

Mental Health

60. Post 3x/week on amytoldyouso.
61. Read 52 books.
62. Read 13 non-fiction books.
63. Read 13 "classics".
64. Turn the tv and computer off simultaneously for one hour daily.
65. Establish a morning routine.
66. Respond to emails within 24 hours.
67. Respond to phone calls within 24 hours.
68. Go 3 days (individually) with no phone, internet, or tv.
69. Join a local women's social group.
70. Post 1x/week to wowthatsyummy.

Career

71. Apply for 20 jobs/week as necessary.
72. Write 3 grants for pay.
73. Find the right job for me.

Giving Back

74. Find volunteer work.
75. Do 12 random acts of kindness.
76. Donate blood six times.
77. Join the bone marrow registry.

Relationships

78. Send 24 cards to friends & family.
79. Implement "Xtreme Niceness" week once/month.
80. Have cuddle night with Travis 1x/week.
81. Write 24 love notes to Travis.
82. Plan a surprise weekend away for Travis and me.
83. Have 12 date nights with Travis.
84. Write to 6 friends and tell them how much they mean to me.
85. Surprise Travis at work with homemade peanut butter cookies.
86. Write my mom a letter telling her how much she means to me.
87. Contact Ben 1x/week.
88. Celebrate our five-year anniversary meaningfully.

Family

89. Start Daddy & Daughter time.
90. Start Mommy & Daughter time.
91. Start Mommy & Son time.
92. Start Daddy & Son time.
93. Start a Family Fun Night tradition.
94. Walk 3x/week in the evenings with the kids.
95. Teach Beckett to swim underwater.
96. Read 3 books to Elise daily.
97. Read 3 books to Beckett daily.
98. Take kids to the library weekly.
99. Teach Elise to read.
100. Do a family photo shoot.

Dream BIG!

101. Lose 50 lbs in the first 111 days of 2011.
102. Exercise every day of January.
103. Complete a half-marathon.
104. Apply for Wheel of Fortune.
105. See the Packers play.
106. Fire a gun.
107. Run a 7-minute mile.
108. Get a tattoo in honor of the kids.
109. Do a pull-up.
110. Get hypnotized.
111. Hit my goal weight!

Need a lighter

I need someone to light my fire. I am just kinda coasting along. I'm not gaining, which is HUGE, but I'm not losing either. And I still have 70ish lbs to lose.

I am hoping some time with my fellow bandsters this weekend will help. As will the half-marathon that's in less than two months. As will the new year.

I'm putting together a list of 111 things I want to accomplish in 2011. Some are small (make my bed daily), some are big (find my dream job), and some are in-between (read 13 classics). The one that is most important to me, however, is hitting my goal weight. I CAN do it. I just need to find that fire again.

Coasting was fine. I really am okay with it. But the time for coasting is over. I'm going back to work sooner than later. I had a couple of months to enjoy not being hyper-vigilant. But the time has come for me to get back on the horse and ride it to the finish line.

What really motivated me was watching "I Used To Be Fat" on MTV last night. Gabrielle was 17 and had 111 days before heading off for college. She lost 90 lbs in those 111 days with lots of hard work. She was also finishing up high school and working. I can certainly lose 50 lbs in 111 days if all I have to do is take care of two kids, right? She looked AMAZING.

So, come on, ladies, LIGHT MY FIRE!

ETA: I decided it was unethical to write this post and not DO something, so I just returned from a 2 mile jog while pushing the kiddos in the stroller. Trying to get that bonfire going, Sandy Lee!

What could you accomplish in 100 days?

In just a few short weeks, it'll be 100 days until the new year. September 24 is 100 days from 1/1/11...

What could you accomplish in those 100 days?

What do you want to do before 1/1/11?

I challenge you to come up with a challenge. We can do a group challenge (I'm happy to coordinate it), individual challenges, whatever trips your trigger. It could be weight-loss related, fitness-related, organizing-our-lives-related.

100 push-ups.

100 items donated.

100 miles run/walked/jogged.

100 lbs lost. Don't I wish!

Can we come up with something good? Put on your thinking cap...I'm ready to hear your ideas!