Opened that can of WHOOP A$$!

Oh yeah! Don't mess with me!

The PA finally called me back and was less than gracious, which just set me off. Bad move on her part.

Good news is I have a fill next Wed, only one day later than it was supposed to be. (They opened more slots since people were up in arms (who me????) about the lack of available appointments. There are 4 surgeons in the office that do fills, but they work in teams and you can only see your team. My team was supposedly out until the 25th, but magically, they are now in the office next Wed. Pure magic, I tell ya! Must have been eating some Lucky Charms or something.)

Bad news is she was less than helpful with my whole "Where is my sweet spot, and why am I still hungry all the time" issues. She did suggest I call the nutritionist and talk to her.

Now, I have never met with the nutritionist. She is supposed to come see you after surgery, some time before you leave the hospital. She never came to see me. Now, in all fairness, my surgery was the day before Thanksgiving, and I was released on Thanksgiving. So I kind of understand. But whatev - she could have at least called me or something.

So, I call her number, and the answering machine picks up. And I shit you not, I almost drove off the road. This squeaky, 120-year old, chain smoking for years, shriveled up shrew of a voice came over my phone. I'm probably not being fair, but I can't help it - she seriously sounded like a character out of a movie. You know the one - the little old lady with the horribly tan, wrinkled skin and orangey-dyed hair who is about 4'10" and weighs 90 lbs soaking wet who never eats because she is constantly smoking and sipping on some type of cocktail. Yeah, that's what I keep envisioning.

I did leave a message. We'll see. I'm skeptical, in case you couldn't tell.

In other news, I worked 29 hours in the past two days. I am TIRED! Two more days to make it through and then a 3-day weekend. Although DH won't be home this weekend, so it'll be me and the kids.

Finally, today is weigh in day, and I was down 1.6 lbs this week, bringing my grand total to 54 lbs! YEAH ME! I think I need to eat a bit more to keep my metabolism moving, so that is my focus today. I never, ever in a million years thought I'd be trying to eat more, but I think I need to. My estimated calories are around 1200, and since I still weigh over 300 lbs, I should be a bit higher, I think. If anyone has any input on this front, I'm all ears. In fact, let me share what I ate yesterday:

B: Muscle Milk Light (180 cal, I think)
L: 3/4 oz cheese (90 cal), 2/3 of a nachos supreme from Taco Bell (after I said I didn't crave fast food - 300 cal)
D: 1/4 chicken breast from chicken piccata, 2 roasted potato quarters, 1/4 c. green beans, rosette of frosting off a piece of cake (guesstimate - 400 cal)
100 oz. water.
S: (I was starving when I got home at 9:30) homemade hot cocoa (175 cal)
Total: 1145 calories approx.

I can't eat much more than that at a meal, so if I am going to eat more calories, I need to have some snacks. At least, that's what I am thinking. But please, do share your thoughts!

Anyhoooooo, later my loverlies!

Learning to live with the band

First, thanks for all the kind comments on my progress pictures! My head is a bit swollen from all the comments. And yes, I did take before measurements, and I will take another set in a day or two when I have a free moment.

What I want to discuss today is this whole learning to live with the band business. Boy oh boy, this is a bit tougher than I imagined it would be. Here's some of the random babbles rumbling around in my head:

• I did NOT think I was an emotional eater until I was stressed one day and realized I couldn't even eat to relieve the stress. What a wake-up call that was! It sucks, to be to totally honest, but I am working through it.
• I have not yet learned that I truly get full after a small amount of food. I ordered a bowl of soup and an appetizer when we went out for brunch the other day. I never even touched the appetizer; I couldn't after eating the soup. I get SOOOOOOOO hungry that I can't fathom that I will get full after a small amount, and then I do, and then I waste food, which means wasting money, which drives me insane.
• My band VERY CLEARLY tells me when to stop, but I don't like to listen. I am working on listening, because I hate that uncomfortable feeling even more than I hate stopping eating before I want to.
• Figuring out your sweet spot ain't so sweet. I still haven't decided if I need a fill next week or not. Hopefully the PA will call today so I don't have to break out a can of whoop ass on her for not returning my call for an entire week.
• All the 'diet' rules I lived by for sooooo long are out the window. Out is dry salad and dry veggies and plain lean protein. In is protein with sauce (preferably with some type of fat in it), veggies with a light sauce on them, and fat/cal dense foods. I ate at a banquet last night - I had some green bean casserole and a piece of lightly floured and fried chicken with a gravy-ish sauce on it (I think it might have been chicken piccata, or their version thereof). I even added a bit of butter to help it go down OK and to ensure I got enough calories and hunger-satisfying fat. It's playing games with my mind to be focused on getting ENOUGH calories rather than limiting my calories.
• I am not craving junk like I thought I would be, so that's a good thing. I do still love chocolate, but even ice cream can be a bit rough going down, so it's almost not even worth the struggle. I fantasize about getting fast food, and then I realize that A. It probably won't go down anyhow, and B. There's nothing I really want.
• I really do not snack. I guess I really never was a snacker, shockingly enough. I was, and still try to be, a big meal eater. I am working on adding a snack or two here and there to keep my hunger from rearing its ugly head like a monster when I least expect it.

So, there you have it. I am definitely a work in progress with this whole thing! Five months in, and it is v-e-r-y slowly becoming a way of life. VERY slowly. DH and I hit Panera before he left town yesterday, and I managed to ONLY order a bowl of soup. One small victory for me! I've only one other time managed to not over-order while eating out.

I was sure I'd have perfect restriction by now, and have this whole thing down with no problems! Patience never was my strong suit.

Going to be MIA

I have my two big work meetings today and tomorrow, so I am going to be scarce! I have to work until midnightish tonight and 10ish tomorrow night. Lucky me!

DH leaves on his one-way ticket to Orlando today. Wish me luck being a solo-mom (I know lots of you do it, and I don't know how, although two kids under 2 is a challenge for anyone, I would guess, super mom or not!). We have no idea when he'll be coming home.

My 5-month bandiversary was yesterday. I'll post comparison pics in the next day or two (when I have a chance) - in 5 months, I've lost 53ish lbs. Incredible, if I do say so myself.

My restriction is still all wonky. I can't eat much, and I do feel full, just not relief-from-hunger full. Not freaking out, but sure would like to get some relief from hunger. I tried to call the PA back on Friday, but her mailbox was full, so she was either really busy or out of town last week. I'll give her another day and try again.

OK, gotta jet! Later, my loverlies!

Do you know who rocks?

JEN!

She talked me down from the ledge. And did it so sweetly and so encouragingly and even convinced me I'm not broken!

As she said in the comments on my last post, her official diagnosis is that I am still making up for lost time (while I was too tight for 10ish days) coupled with TOM and multiplied by a slight flare up of acid reflux. She suggested whole proteins, milk, and a little patience as the cure.

I have to tell you guys - she is as sweet on the phone as she is on her blog. And even though everyone tried to tell me in writing that it'd work, hearing her actually say it over the phone was a whole other level of reassurance. Although then she went on to tell me she had to convince herself to eat lunch today. WHAT? I still like her, though.

In fact, Draz might have some competition for the BFF position. Hee hee - just teasing, although seriously, Jen, thank you so much! My faith in the band (and myself!) has been renewed, thanks to you.

Too tight? Too loose? Too crazy?

I seriously have no idea what to think about my restriction and hunger and all that jazz.

Quick recap - 11cc in 14cc band. Last fill of 1cc was too tight for 10 days (liquids only) and now I can eat, but still have no relief from hunger.

Here's what I ate yesterday:

B: fruit n yogurt parfait from McD's
S: throughout the AM - small iced coffee and 48 oz. water
L: 3 steak-ums with peppers and onions (almost exactly 1 c. of food)
S: 10 cashews, 2 pieces of cheese
D: 3 med. chicken fingers
S: homemade hot cocoa (whole milk, cocoa, sugar, vanilla)

Another 50 oz. of water throughout the day.

I have to take my time while eating, but I never feel full. I am constantly thinking about food - not like, "Mmmm, that sounds good" but like "My tummy is growling and my mouth is watering, and my tummy feels empty." I feel physically full when I eat, like I can't fit another bite in, but it doesn't relieve my hunger, if that makes any sense. I don't feel satisfied-full and I spend most of the day feeling hungry.

I am so frustrated at this point. Part of me still thinks I need a bit more of a fill, the other part thinks that I am broken and the lap-band isn't going to work for me! My mom suggested maybe it's acid reflux/heartburn that I am misinterpreting as hunger, so I took some Prevacid this morning and will continue to do so for a few days to see if that helps. I just don't know...

I have a fill scheduled for 1.5 weeks from now (just to get on the books if I do need it), and I'm about to call the PA again and ask her opinion, but would love, love, love some input. Honestly, if a veteran bandster is willing to talk me through this on the phone, I'd be soooo grateful, especially if you've felt this way before! I am ready to lose my mind!

TGIF!

For real! I need Friday. I love Friday.

Hubbers comes home tonight!

Only working a half day. The upside to sitter issues - darn, I have to leave at noon!

The weather is awesome!

My hair looks aaaaaaaaa-doooooooooooooooor-able!

I am wearing another one of Jen's shirts, and I look freakin' cute!

OK, that's all for now. More later, as I need to complain about restriction, hunger, and all that jazz!

A quick thanks

I just wanted to say thanks for all the supportive comments. It was a long, tough day. But I survived it and things are looking up. I had a good talking to with myself and said, "Self, you and your family are healthy and wealthy in all the ways that matter. This is all temporary. Be thankful and quit whining. A little positivity goes a long way."

OK, what I really said to myself was, "Self, quit yer bitchin'."

Tomorrow is a new day. The PA has not called me back yet, so I will just go ahead and make an appointment for a fill. I'll show her!

Thanks again - you big BOOBS just rock!

Thread-bare thread

I am hanging on by a thread, and it's feeling pretty thread-bare. About to snap. About to break.

WARNING: Major pity party, poutfest, whineapalooza, sighville below. Proceed at your own risk.

*I have basically no restriction. How in the hell is that possible after being so tight I couldn't eat anything but liquids for 10 days? I even posted about it on LBT, because I am (irrationally) starting to think the lap-band isn't going to work for me. I have a call into my PA, but she hasn't called me back yet. 11cc in a 14cc band, too tight for 10 days, and then BOOM, nada. Sigh.

*DH has to work Friday. Our sitter doesn't watch kids on Fridays. I have to work Friday as well. Those three things don't go together very well. Sigh.

*DH is supposed to come home on Thursdays, but since he has to work Friday, he can't come home tomorrow. And it's his birthday. Sigh.

*DH is being sent to Orlando next week to cover their store as store manager while the current store manager is out on medical leave. He is leaving Tuesday on a one-way ticket. Sigh.

*DH has no idea when he'll be back. Hence the one-way ticket. Sigh.

*I love my kids, but I do not enjoy being solely responsible for them. Sigh.

*I have no one to watch the kids on every Friday going forward, assuming DH is in Orlando. Sigh.

*I have to work next Monday and Tuesday evenings. HAVE TO. As of right now, I have no one to watch the kids (my mom is trying to get back in time to watch them, but she is stuck in the UP of MI trying to get her dad settled in a nursing home, and it's not going well). Sigh.

*My period started today. Sigh.

*I am up 1.4 lbs from my lowest. Sigh.

*I have a ton of work to do and don't want to. Sigh.

Sucky suckerson suckity suckness of the suckity suckiest degree

I am seriously hating my band right now.

I went home and faithfully measured out 1 cup of my lunch (a cooked mixture of ground beef, petite diced tomatoes, and rice). Three tiny bites in over the course of 10 min, and I knew it wasn't going anywhere except up. And up it came. Twice.

I think it's safe to say, I really am too tight. I'm going to try Jen's protein test, but I think it'll have to be tomorrow, as I should probably stick to liquids for the rest of the day (oh, and those two tiny Hershey chocolates I just had).

I am just so. hungry. all. the. time. I drink water like it's my job - never less than 100 oz per day - but it doesn't help at all. Probably when you aren't eating much, it can't do much to help.

So far today, I've had a venti caramel macchiato, 3 bites of lunch (two of which probably came back up), two Hershey miniatures, and am working on a cup of coffee with some half and half in it. Oh, and 48 oz of water so far. No wonder I am hungry. Sigh. Sigh. LOUD sigh.

I guess a protein shake is in my future. Blech.

If you are still reading my whine, since I can get liquids down, I should just wait it out, right? Today is day 7 since my fill. I am self-pay and my surgeon is 60 miles away, so I really want to wait it out. But then I am sooooooooo tired of being hungry. Sigh. Sigh. REALLY REALLY REALLY AMAZINGLY LOUD sigh.

Sorry to be whiney, but this is getting old really quickly. The only upside is the weight loss - 5 lbs in 6 days. At this rate, I could be at goal in about 6 months. Sweet!

Another quickie (you'd think I was getting lucky or something!)

Long day at a satellite office today, so this is going to be quick.

Tomorrow is fill #5. Very much hoping (and praying!!!) this brings me to restriction.

DD is better. I never got sick. I'm not convinced she had a bug, since she only hoorked twice.

I told a coworker from the satellite office about being banded today! She was telling me about her son-in-law and how he had WLS the day before Thanksgiving...it was like a sign for me to tell her, since it was the same day as my surgery. She was very gracious and supportive, and I trust it'll remain between us. BTW, her SIL has already lost 120 lbs, although I think he had the vertical sleeve done (she wasn't quite sure) and started at over 600 lbs (he's 6'8"), but he's still done amazing! She said he just is never hungry any more and could care less about food...Go him!

Finally, I came home to a package from Kinzie today, stuffed full with FOUR gorgeous tops! Thanks again - I love the sisterhood. I'll have some stuff in a few weeks, so if you started out larger like me (28-ish), keep watching!

I have no idea why I just did this, but I just ate TWO Cadbury Creme Eggs. Ugh. I will say it's the first non-protein snacking I've done in four weeks. And the first Easter candy I've had. I am overtired and being stupid. And on that note, I am sending myself to bed...but not before I ask you to wish me luck tomorrow...

A new low

And we all know lows are actually good when you are talking weight loss!

333.8 lbs

YEAH! That means I officially lost 2 lbs this week, bringing my grand total to 40.6 lbs lost. And 13 lbs since my fill 3 weeks ago, when I finally decided that I was going to have to do my part to lose some weight until I find that elusive creature called restriction. Which I am starting to think is just a mythical creature. Or maybe an urban legend. Or some pie-in-the-sky concept some jerk dreamed up in order to get me to convince my parents to fork over $11,000.

Anyhoo, I digress.

It's been a long couple of weeks, but my next (and fifth) fill is next Tuesday. YEAH!

A few random notes:

• Thank you ALL for your support! It's so nice to hear how well you think I am doing when some days I barely feel like I am keeping it together. Smooches to all of you!
• Cara - I didn't mean to make you think I'd been doing this single-parent thing for 42+ days straight. I meant 5 nights/week x 8.5 weeks, and that's where I got the 42 from. If I had done this straight through, I'd be in the looney bin. Seriously.
• We went for a walk last night; it's getting easier and easier. I still huff and puff and sweat, but it's not painful.
• I made some yummy crab cakes last night for dinner. I even took pictures! I'll email it to Jen so she can put it on her new blog.

And now, for my PSA of the day:

I was really tired by the time I got the kids to bed last night. The house had just been cleaned, though, and I want to keep it that way for at least a few days. When I came downstairs from putting them to bed, I just didn't want to do anything. But I convinced myself to spend just 15 min tidying up. I'd just get done what I could in 15 min, and whatever didn't get done could wait until today.

I set the timer for 15 min.

I went through the mail, finished cleaning up the kitchen, cleaned up approx. 753 toys, washed bottles, refilled sippies, and put away shoes and coats. I looked at the timer and I had EIGHT minutes left.

All that took me 7 min!

I decided to tackle the clean dishwasher, figuring it'd take me the remaining 8 min. I unloaded it, not going especially quick, because I didn't really have anything else that needed done. After the last dish was put away, I looked at the timer.

It read 5:02.

It took me less than 3 min to empty the dishwasher.

I used to do this 15 min thing all the time, but I had gotten away from it. Last night was a good reminder of how much I can get done in 15 min when I really focus.

I'm sure there's some tie-in to weight loss with this one, but I'm not feeling like analyzing it right now. Maybe later!

Split personality

I was so happy and doing so well yesterday. Then I picked up the kids, and BAM! My mood shot straight to you-know-where on a rocketsled.

It wasn't really the kids, although they were kinda testing my patience last night. It was that I tried to eat some leftover shrimp, even though I knew that was an incredibly dumb idea. I was being stubborn, and I have no idea why.

I PB'ed, although nothing really came up. And it was a weird PB. I didn't have the painful stuck part beforehand. I just suddenly had this sensation that it was going to be reappearing any second. I made it to the sink in time to hoork like a cat (which I talked about on someone's blog last night) while DD said, "Bless you, Mommy!" Does hoorking sound like sneezing? Apparently.

That left me hungry and with a headache (I PB'ed so hard, I was seeing stars). And two trying-my-patience kids. And a house that needed tidied up so the cleaning lady could clean today. And a gift that needed wrapped for a good friend who just had her second child. And friends who wanted to talk and a shoulder to cry on.

Playing single mom all week is getting really old. This is week nine, in case you were counting with me. So, it's been 42 nights (5 nights per week) of taking care of the kids on my own. I'm ready for this all to be over. Just a few more months, I can do anything for a few months, right?

Anyhow, this morning, I was so hoping for a better start to the day. I actually even did my hair and makeup. Then DD proceeded to throw FOUR temper tantrums before we even got to daycare. DS fell as soon as we got there and cut his lip pretty good. I was seriously sweating off my makeup and my hair was matted to me, after trying to wrangle two crying kids into daycare by myself.

Where's the Calgon when you need it? Or maybe a shot of vodka?

The good news is when I stepped on the scale this morning, it said 334.2. That means that tomorrow should be a nice loss of a couple of pounds for my official weekly weigh-in. YEAH for good news.

I'm determined to have a better night with the kids. I may make a frozen pizza and go for a walk. It's beautiful here, and I am going to take advantage of the nice weather to have a nice evening! If all else fails, I will find that vodka.

Realizations

One of my (two) friends that knows I was banded came to visit this weekend. She's been pretty supportive, but due to her own weight issues, I think she's struggled a bit with my band. She's the one who told me I just wasn't allowed to get skinnier than her.

We had a great weekend together - cleaning, decluttering (we're nerds - we like doing this together), cooking, shopping, eating.

A little back story - we have been friends for about 5 years now. Maybe 6. We met online on a message board for people divorcing young. We hit it off immediately and became friends instantly. We have tons in common. Tons.

She lives about four hours from me, in Chicago. In July 2006, I joined Weight Watchers and did Core. I had great success with it, and a few months later, she joined me on Core. Of course, we live 100s of miles apart, so we emailed and talked about it constantly, sharing food finds and recipes.

By March 2007, I'd lost 60 lbs (from 322 to 262), and she'd lost about 30 lbs (216 to 185ish). I then found out I was pregnant and totally fell off the wagon. She kept on, but we've both screwed around since then - losing and gaining the same 15-20-25 lbs. Well, obviously, I gained a lot more, but it was in those increments. Anyhow, she's bounced between a 16 and a 12, maybe a 10.

Fast forward to this weekend: We had a great time together. But I realized I really do eat a lot less than I used to. A lot. And waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy slower. I mean, I knew I did, but I didn't realize how much less and how much slower. It was very eye-opening to spend the entire weekend with someone who you know you used to eat almost exactly the same as.

Beyond just this weekend, though, I am starting to realize that eating is just not enjoyable like it used to be. Don't get me wrong - I still enjoy certain foods. But in a lot of ways, eating takes so much mental and physical effort, it has become a bit of a chore. I never, ever, ever in a million years thought I'd say that!

On other notes, if you are struggling like me with tightness yet no restriction, chili is a great meal. It goes down easily, and you can actually eat enough to feel satisfied for more than 2.2 minutes. Luckily, I made enough for a few meals this week. YUM!

Just call me Ms. Cranky Pants

I had a long day yesterday - 7+ hours of driving for a very worthless two hour meeting. Fun times, I tell ya.

I also had my first public PB. I am soooo over PB'ing (my fourth in case you are keeping track). They no longer scare me or gross me out or anything. They just PISS ME OFF. Seriously. I went out to lunch with a coworker. I avoided the burger, because I knew that would spell trouble. But I did opt for chicken nachos. Chewed the first tiny bite very well, and boom! Stuck. Seriously. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. Thank god, no one was in there, since there was just one stall. I came back and pushed my food around on my plate so she wouldn't really realize I wasn't eating. I think she realized but was too polite to say anything.

I hate that it leaves me starving. I hate hate hate the point that I am at. All the crappy parts but no restriction. It sucks.

I lose exactly 0 lbs last week. I deserve it after my bad weekend, but I was really hoping for at least something. So unless I lose 1.4 lbs today, I will not be hitting 40 lbs in 4 months. Sigh.

Why else am I cranky?

• My so-called friends on Facebook who think that I am unAmerican because I think it's aboutdamnedtime that the government tell insurance companies that it is illegal to deny someone coverage just because they lost the game of genetics roulette and have an inherited pre-existing condition that makes getting private insurance impossible.
• The person at McDonald's who assured me my iced coffee was plain when it was in fact not and then argued with me that it was - because yes, I like to waste my time and get to work late over an order that's not indeed wrong - makes total sense to me.
• My husband who has a stomach bug again and wonders why I seriously do not want him to come home this weekend.
• The fact that I can't talk about our move at work yet and I want to sooooo badly.
• The fact that I'm even at work today.
• That I'm still fat. Why aren't I magically skinny?

You might be well-advised to stay far, far away today! Do you think being angry burns additional calories? Maybe I can hit 40 by tomorrow after all. HAHAHA Alright, I'm going to go try to be in a better mood, since I have to give a big presentation at a staff meeting in about 20 min. Smile!

The Five Stages of Banding

With all due credit to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, I think the five stages of grief are very applicable to the process of getting a lap-band. Here's my interpretation with my own spin on her five stages:

________________________________________________________

The Five Stages of Banding

1. Denial

"I don't need the band."
"I would never take the easy way out."
"I can do this on my own."
"Only xxx people need the band (replace xxx with any combination of the following: really fat, lazy, weak, co-morbidities)."

This stage typically lasts from the first time you hear about the band (or like me, someone approaches you about it; in my case, it was my mom) until you're sick and tired of losing weight only to regain it again and again and realize that this problem is bigger than you (no pun intended). It's typically a temporary defense.


2. Anger

"How did I let myself get so fat?"
"Why do I need the band when everyone else can just eat what they want and not gain weight?"
"Life is sooooo unfair; I don't want to have to have surgery just to lose weight!"

Once you hit this stage, you realize how deep in denial you were. Maybe you are still pissed off that you feel like you should be able to do it on your own and are angry at yourself. You are out of denial, and excited about the band, but still pissed that it's come to this. You're angry that you have to do 6 months of dietician-supervised dieting. You're ticked that you have to pay for it out of your own pocket. You're just ticked off at the world.


3. Excitement

"I'll be completely thrilled and consider this a success if I just lose 75 lbs/get to onederland/fit in a size 16."
"I have my band - life is wonderful!"
"I know I am going to lose 100 lbs in the first six months. I've seen so many people do it. This is going to be awesome!"

The excitement stage can come and go and overlap with stage 4. This stage typically hits as the surgery date is set, the surgery date approaches, even post-surgery before bandster hell hits. The liquid diet causes you to lose a bunch of weight, you're seeing successes, you're doing it! It's an exhilirating time, although as with most highs, it's often followed by a low...


4. Frustration

"The band doesn't work for me. Why did I even do this?"
"I'm NEEEEEEEEEEEEVER going to get to restriction."
"I've only lost 1/3 of what I thought I would have by this time; I'm a failure."
"Wow, this really isn't the easy way out."

The frustration stage coincides with bandster hell. It's like coming down off a high. For most bandsters, from the time of approaching their family doctor to actually getting the band, is many, many months, and once they've been through all that, they are ready for the band to work now. NOW. They've been patient and jumped through all the required hoops, and now that they have the band, they are ready for it to work immediately.

Pretty much every bandster cognitively understands that bandster hell will happen, but after going through stage 3, they are pretty sure it's not going to happen to them. Or it won't be that bad. Or long. Wrong. Whatever the struggle is - the emotional side of losing weight, lack of restriction, slow fills - it can be very difficult. As noted above, some bandsters will bounce back and forth between stages 3 & 4 several times.

5. Acceptance
(Please note, I am not here yet. But this is what I've gathered from reading blogs and LBT.)

"The band really works if I am patient and work with it."
"Hitting onederland/wearing a size 16/losing 75 lbs actually wasn't the be all - end all I thought it would be. The journey is really the reward."
"I CAN do this."
"I am doing this."
"Banded life is good."

This is where the rollercoaster kind of flattens out. It's back up from the dip of stage 4 but of course is not as high as stage 3 was. And that's a good thing. It's the place where you coast along, doing what you need to do while living. Living your life - the good banded life. You're at good restriction; you are keeping up with your fills; food is no longer central to your life and every thought you have. You might experience periods of both excitement and frustration, but not to the same extent (not as high/low nor does it last as long) as when you were in those stages.
_________________________________________________________

I am firmly between stages 3 and 4. I still get excited, but then the next day, or even the next hour, I am frustrated. I'm frustrated with the lack of restriction, the length of time between fills, and so on. But I am excited by how much weight I've lost, how far I've come, and how much work I've done both physically and emotionally to coast into stage 5 very soon.

I'd love to hear what you think of the five stages and if you can relate!

Feeling good!

I am down another 1.8 lbs today, bringing my weekly total to 6.4 lbs and my total since my fill 8 days ago to 11 lbs and my grand total lost to 38.6 lbs! This whole "it's ok to be hungry, it's not going to kill me" attitude is really working. Don't get me wrong, if I had to do it forever, it wouldn't be doable. But I know it's really only for three more weeks, until my next fill. It's totally doable!

I've worked out twice this week, despite the fact that I have the cold from hell. GO ME! I have that kind of sore throat that makes it impossible to lay down because it makes you cough. Yeah, that one. It kept me up most of the night last night. I have THREE big meetings today and a presentation to give. Lovely. Oh, and a major press release to send. Otherwise, I would have taken the kids to daycare and turned right around and headed home. Alas, no rest for the wicked this morning.

Will check in more later. Have to go get ready for my presentation. Oh yeah.

Dealing with hunger and other random musings

I admit, it's not exactly fun being hungry most of the time. Obviously, or I wouldn't have gotten the band. But I also realize it's not the end of the world. Yep. I just said it. My thinking is s-l-o-w-l-y coming around. See? The band does work on your brain in a very strange way.

I really have been hungry most of the time since my last fill, a week ago. But it's ok. And that's HUGE. It's not going to kill me. It's not going to wreck my whole day. It's not really a big deal. I eat what I'm supposed to and just go from there. I was hungry last night after dinner and throughout the evening. Not gonna-keel-over hunger, but instead a no-sense-of-satisfaction hunger. However, I worked out instead (half the time while holding a two-year old on my hip, which was really tiring, and she only weighs 25 lbs, so I kept thinking about how happy my body is with the 35+ lbs I've lost), and then I played around with some photos in Photoshop. I really am learning that a little hunger isn't the end of the world.

And the scale rewarded me for my good behavior with another pound gone today. I've lost exactly 9 lbs since my fill last week. I'm also now 3.2 lbs from my 4 month goal of 40 lbs lost. I have 9 days to lose that - I'm confident I can do it.

My next fill is 3 weeks from today. I'd LOVE to be able to go in 20 lbs less than last time, but I think that's a pretty big stretch. 11 lbs in 3 weeks. Hmmmm, maybe not such a stretch after all. That's going to be my goal. That would also put me at 50 lbs lost!

Other random musings:

• It's going to be 55 today, and the sun is shining. Kids & I are definitely going for a walk after work. Oh wait, my mother's helper starts today. Good, she can come with us!
• DH's boss (the company owner) is FINALLY heading to FL April 14-18 to scout out new locations. Thankfully, as that means we'll finally have some answers as to when we are moving.
• Three years ago today, I found out I was pregnant with DD. Ahhhh, how time flies.
• I am so looking forward to another spinach salad for lunch.
• My cleaning lady is at my house right now, so when I go home for lunch, the whole house will be shining. My favorite hour of the week (well, actually every two weeks, since that's how often she comes)! Too bad the cleanliness only lasts until the kids come home in the evening.

Later, gators!

I think it's safe to say...

...I'm not overfull considering I just sucked down a spinach salad like it was my last meal.



Seriously. Probably 2 cups worth of baby spinach, onion, pear, blue cheese, pecans, grilled chicken, and a homemade dressing. It was soooo good. And so not sticky. At all. It went down with no pain at all.

Unfortunately, I could have eaten twice that much, but since the weight has been coming off nicely, and I'd like it to continue that way, I stopped. That does mean, however, that there's a nice salad waiting for me for tomorrow's lunch. Makes my belly happy!

Confusion abounds

(Are you guys tired of me yet? I kind of am! But honestly, I wanted to document my struggles with understanding restriction so that others can learn from them as well as you guys helping me figure this out!)

Half of me thinks I'm overfull. Half of me thinks I'm not there yet. How's that for a fine howdy-do this morning? I'm seriously scratching my head like the screen bean above.

I did a test to see how much I could actually eat last night. I measured out 1 cup of food (veggies, a little rice, and chopped up shish kafta). I was able to eat about 1/2 of it, maybe a tad bit more, before I felt like the next bite was going to sit in the back of my throat. Later on, I was able to eat a slice of deli cheese (horseradish cheddar - yum) with a thin slice of roast beef without much problem. I did go slow and chew well, but it did go down. So, this makes me think I'm not too full. Coupled with the constant hunger, I'm pretty sure I'm not too full.

But then there's the quick pain if I take too big of a gulp of liquid. And the fact that I can't eat more than 1/2 cup of food in 30 minutes. And that I've lost 8.2 lbs in the last 6 days. And I'm pretty sure I'm too full.

Either way, I am going to ride it out. If I am too full, I'm not much too full. The quick weight loss should relax the fill a bit within the next few days. And if I'm not too full, then my next fill is scheduled three weeks from tomorrow and should absolutely, without-a-doubt get me there.

And that's my story.

Like I said before, I got on the scale this morning, and it said 338.6! That's awesome. I am 4.2 lbs from 40, which is my goal by next Thursday, so 10 days away...I can do it! It makes dealing with all this confusion totally worth it.

Hope everyone had a great weekend! We had friends in for the weekend who don't know about my surgery. While she's a very good friend, she's the type who'd call me daily for a status update, and I'm not ready for that. Both times I was pregnant, she literally called/texted/emailed pretty much every day for the last trimester wanting any update. I love her dearly, but that's something I can't handle right now. Or ever.

She commented on my limited food intake no fewer than eleventy billion times. Sigh. And since they stayed with us all weekend, I couldn't play it off like I'd had a big meal just previously or anything. I ended up just saying I was trying to eat smaller amounts of regular food to continue my weight loss. I don't think she totally bought it, hence the asking again and again. And again.

She's used to my efforts to lose weight, so it was enough to quiet her until the next meal. But it was frustrating. I have another friend coming to visit this weekend, but she knows. She's also the one who said I could lose weight as long as I didn't get skinnier than her. Sigh. It really sounds like I need new friends, doesn't it? I really don't. They are both wonderful, wonderful people. They both just have their own weight issues, and I know those weigh on their mind when they think of my efforts and successes (pun intended). Indeed, the friend coming this weekend is taking a day off of work to help me start decluttering in preparation for our move. That's a true friend!

Enough of a novel from me - Happy Monday, my dear banded friends!

PB'ing for the third time

Tonight's PB was on shish kafta. I was SURE it would go down fine. But nope - up it came. Twice. And the pain STILL wasn't relieved.

So, I realized tonight that all three PB's have come when I am sitting at the table with my entire family. I've never PB'ed when DH isn't around. I honestly think some of it is the stress of trying to make sure everyone's got what they need and trying to eat while also attending to both kids.

I ate some potato soup later. And have been drinking lots of water and sugar-free lemonade. It's going down hard.

I've either really swollen it up, or maybe I'm inching a bit towards restriction. The bummer is I am HUNGRY. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. I'm not surprised, though; here's what I've eaten today:

B: chobani yogurt with about 1/2 c. of granola
S: string cheese stick
L: 1/2 of a burrito bowl from Chipotle, heavy on the salsa
S: string cheese stick, 3 strawberries, a tiny slice of cake
D: 1.5 c. potato soup

If I were at good restriction, this would probably be more than enough. Right now, it's not quite enough, but I am hoping against hope.