And there it is...

I never thought it would be me, but lo and behold, my husband is blaming my surgery and subsequent weight loss for my 'attitude problem.'

Le sigh.

Le sigh.

Le sigh.

I admit, we are having some rocky moments (ok, hours and/or days) lately. And maybe my attitude has changed - I don't want to sit around anymore, I want to get stuff done, I want to be active. I am bored watching tv. I'm bored with naps. So yes, my attitude has changed. But what am I supposed to do?

I want more out of life. I am no longer content to watch it pass before me. I go-go-go now, and it is physically painful for me to not go-go-go. I ran 2.5 miles this morning, watched my friends kids, took the kids to DD's ballet class, went grocery shopping, ordered three photo sessions worth of photos, cleaned two bathrooms, did a few loads of laundry, made dinner, cleaned up, and did a few other random things. And I am not exhausted.

So, what is fair? I don't expect him to have the energy I have now, but by the same token, I don't want to sit around. We are having a hard time finding the balance between what I want and what he wants.

I'm not really looking for answers (although if you have some, toss them my way). I'm more just throwing it out to the universe, hoping some solutions will come to me. We're going to try counseling; we need someone to help us navigate this new part of our relationship. We love each other deeply, but I'm not the same person he married, and I don't want to be that person again. We need to figure out how to allow me to be the new me while still being the person he married. And we also need to figure out how I balance my new interests with what his interests continue to be.

I never in a million years thought we'd be the ones in this position. He supports and appreciates my weight loss. But he's not sure how to manage this new person! And honestly, I am not sure I know how to either. We'll figure it out, though, together. At least, I hope...

On other random notes:

• I ran my fastest mile yet this morning - 12:15. GO ME!
• I tried on a ring-sizer. My wedding ring is a 8.25. My new size is 6. Um, yeah, that's why I can't wear it without fear of losing it!
• Running is finally paying off after 8 weeks. I am toning up like crazy. Pants that fit two weeks ago are getting loose. I LOVE IT!
• I'm thinner now than when I started college. Craziness!

I don't even expect anyone to respond.

Have you ever put something off and the longer you put it off, the harder it becomes to do? That's how I felt about writing this post. I don't know why. I mean, we're all friends here. I don't have to post daily or weekly, if I don't want to. But I DO want to. But then I start feeling like everyone's stayed in touch except for me, and that I'm a big loser who no one cares if I write or not, and then I let those feelings feed off each other until it's been six weeks since I've EVEN LOGGED IN, because I get all weird about it.

So, there you have it. I am weird. And I let my weirdness feed on itself until I've weirded myself out about doing something that's totally no big deal. UGH. I should probably get some therapy, huh?

Since I last wrote:

• I got to meet Angela. Holy cannoli, she is the sweetest, the cutest, the most motivating. She is simply awesome.
• I completed a half-marathon, in no small part thanks to Angela, who gave me the motivation to finish. It was hell, I was exhausted, but I did it. 
• I was in my BFF's wedding in California. It was absolutely beautiful, and it was so much fun to wear a size 18 dress. And I hired Joey to design their wedding gift, which turned out better than I could have ever dreamed!
• I've intereviewed with FIVE companies and have a sixth scheduled for Thursday.
• I had one job offer I turned down. It was with D*isney. The pay was PATHETIC. Pitiful really. Half of what I made at my last job, and my last job was a small non-profit in one of the most economically disadvantaged cities in the entire country.
• I had to turn down an invitation to join the lovely BOOBS in Chicago, once again. I have already had two girls' only trips this year and am planning another to go see a dear friend who's pregnant when she has her baby next month (ironically in Chicago). I think DH would leave me if I asked for a fourth girls' only trip this year.
• I'm back down to my lowest weight. And think I'm finally ready to enter uncharted territory.
• I realized I've not had a fill in nearly 11 months! Crazy!
• I've been super busy with photography and finally have paying customers!

So, there you have it...I may or may not post again before May, you know, with my recent track record and all...but I plan to!

I suckity suck suck SUCK.

I have a problem. For real.

You see, my head seems to be permanently up my ass. I cannot seem to pull myself together. Apparently, I like my life like this, or I would do something about it. Right?

I thought maybe putting it all out on the table here would help. So here goes nothing.

• I am eating like crap. I know I am, and it needs to stop. But I don't really want to stop. I like chocolate, I like cream in my coffee. I like soda (yep, the big no-no, and I've been committing it.) I'll eat good for about 6 hours, and then it all goes to hell. I have no desire to eat healthy. Thank goodness for restriction so I can't go hog wild.
• I am not exercising regularly. I haven't been to the gym in ages. I am running sporadically, and the only reason I am even doing that is I have this half-marathon coming up in less than 3 weeks, and I am not even close to being prepared. 13.1 miles should prove very interesting right around mile 10.
• I sit around all day doing jack crap. I take the kids somewhere daily (library, Disney, etc.), but beyond that, I don't do much. I have no friends or family here. DH has been working insane hours (24 days straight and counting, 80+ hours/week). I have no one to help me or to lean on or to give me a break. Honestly, I hate staying home with the kids. I hate making breakfast and lunch and dinner and snacks. They eat all the freakin' time. I hate cleaning the house. I hate reading books to them. I hate playing play-doh. I hate pretending to eat stuff DD makes in her play kitchen. Can you tell I hate it all?
• I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am applying for jobs. I think I have a decent resume, but no real bites so far. I don't even know what it is I want to do, though. I know what I am qualified for, but beyond that, I couldn't even tell you what I want to be doing in 5 years.

I've been trying to fake it until I make it. I have 8 photography shoots set up so I can build my portfolio. But then I get all discouraged, because to really make a go of it, I need about $5,000 in equipment that I don't have the funds for. I have been doing a bunch of online writing for pay, but the pay is crap. I made myself a to-do list for every day, and have been pretty good about checking stuff off of it, but the to-do list seems to be getting longer instead of shorter. I put things off that take about 5 min to do, and cause myself a bunch of stress for days while putting it off. I've gotten more involved in the local moms' group, hoping to make some friends, but I just haven't really clicked with anyone yet.

My faking it isn't going really well, though, obviously.

I feel like I need to make the best of this time I have left staying home and having the time to really exercise and do all that. I get all motivated every night and by the next morning, any motivation to do anything is gone once I realize I still have to take care of the kids, feed them, clean, and all that jazz.

So there it is. My giant pity party. My "my head is up my ass" story. I am so sorry that I keep disappearing and reappearing. If I could just get my act together...

What's going right

Wow, I sounded like a whiney brat in my last post. I promise, I'm really not Debbie Downer in real life. I'm really not!

So, I am going to focus on what I am doing right. And what is going well right now:

• I'm down more than 35 lbs in 3 months.
• I'm averaging almost 3 lbs/week lost. Not too shabby.
• I haven't drank soda in almost 4 months.
• I do not drink while I eat.
• I wait 30 min after eating to drink.
• I've cut down my portions substantially.
• I'm learning to take small bites.
• I'm thinking about exercising. ;) Hey, that counts, right?
• Dinners are much simpler (meaning smaller and less caloric) now that I don't feel like I have to cook something elaborate for DH.
• The weather is breaking, at least for the time being.
• It's sunny out longer, meaning we can go for walks after work.
• I'm being vigilant about my fills.
• I'm learning to chew well.
• I'm recognizing self-defeating behaviors.

I should be celebrating instead of feeling like a failure, right? In my perfectionist, type-A way, I was seriously ready to throw in the towel of success on my first year banded. How's that for "all or nothing" for you? I need serious mental help. Oh wait, I'm already getting serious mental help, and I'm still a mess! This is not looking good. :) Just teasing, although I really was feeling like a band failure until I took a step back and realized that this is A. a journey; B. a learning process; C. the very beginning and I am still a total baby bandster. 3 months is nothing. NOTHING. NOTHING. in the whole scheme of things. Why do I expect that I'd have it all figured out by now? Not that it excuses the Starbucks and lack of exercise - those are both my fault - but it's a process. Some steps forward, some steps back. As long as I am moving forward more than I am moving back, I am fine. And that's good enough for me. Fine. (OK, not really, but I am working on it being good enough for me.)

I'm thinking...and that's dangerous

I had therapy this morning. My appt was at 9 am, and we got right down to business. Dang, it's hard to think that hard at 9 am.

I started by asking her if we were going to put a 'plan' in place or just work on things as they came up. She said it was up to me, so I told her that I wanted to explore more about how I sell myself short in so many ways - is it because I don't want to or don't know how to work hard? Is it because I am afraid of failure? Or afraid of success? Afraid of the hard work? Lazy? Stupid? Because I get bored easily?

Fortunately, she pretty quickly ruled out that I am lazy or stupid. Which I was hoping was going to be the case. But sometimes I do wonder if I am lazy, but she reassured me that lazy people don't attempt the things I attempt to do. Even if I get bored/unmotivated to finish them.

I talked a lot about how I've always taken the easy route when I hit a stumbling block. If I can't do something perfectly within the first try or two, I just give up. WHY? I don't want to be like that. Or maybe I do.

I feel like I have come to a fork in the road at this point in my life - I can choose the path of least resistance as I have been and continue to feel like I am selling myself short, because even though some people like drifting through life, I do not. The other path is going to require work. Work on losing weight once and for all, work on being successful career-wise, work on making a go of it with either (or both!) writing and photography.

On the losing weight front, I told her how I'd gained 10 lbs. She seemed surprised, and while I do like her, I don't think she works with as many band patients as she does gastric bypass. Because she reiterated several times that I shouldn't have gained weight. When I know it's totally normal, although also avoidable. She did make me see the light though as far as my flimsy excuses about exercise. Even though I have a lot going on right now, there's no reason I can't fit in exercise a few times per week. I am going to make that a priority starting now.

The conversation went on and on, and I feel like I am starting to understand myself a bit better. I talked about making my weight loss a priority for six months and putting everything else on the back burner, and she stopped me mid-sentence and said, "And this is why you give up so easily. Six months is no where NEAR enough time to focus on weight loss." It was this huge lightbulb moment! Of course, it's not. Because I'd get three months in, realize I wasn't going to make my 'goal' at six months, and just throw my hands in the air and quit. If I can't do it right, might as well not do it.

I have a lot of soul-searching to do. I have to get rid of this "I must be the best at everything I do or it's not worth doing and I'll do something much, much easier instead so I can be successful at that" attitude. It's not working, it hasn't worked, and it's not gonna work.

Whew. I need another cup of coffee.

Back from the looney bin...

And I'm still as looney as ever!

What do I have to tell you guys about?

• I miss you guys! I'm sorry I've been a slacker. I am just a bit overwhelmed right now.
• DD is still sleeping with me. Sigh.
• Work is making me C-R-A-Z-Y. Crazier than I already am.
• I haven't lost anymore weight, although I haven't gained any either. Holding pattern...
• Thank goodness, I have a fill a week from today. I really need it.
• I had to cancel my therapy appointment for tomorrow due to a work conflict. Bummer.
• DH has already received his per diem and travel reimbursements. Thank goodness. And he gets paid next Friday. Finally, there is light at the end of the "we're broke" tunnel.

That's it. If I can gather my thoughts enough for an insightful post, I'll do one tonight. Otherwise, I'll check in tomorrow! Smooches!

It's therapy day!

And I love me some good therapy. Almost as much as chocolate. But not quite.

To review (in case you don't remember everything I've ever written, which you should, but I know my life is so fabulously exciting, you might have forgotten a detail or two), the last two sessions have centered around career discussions. What a different/better career would mean to me, and even bigger, what I want my life to look like.

Thanks to Brooke over at Lap Band Labyrinth, I am really mulling over testing the waters in freelance writing. Or something related. She discussed how she sometimes feels/felt like a fraud when writing - like one of her clients would suddenly discover she had no idea what she was doing. I can totally relate. And I want to explore that fear a bit more today.

Because I think I could make it. I just have to dig deep and find the courage and confidence to really believe that. I don't want to say 'think.' I want to be able to say 'know.'

On other notes, today's weigh in was not kind. I deserve every ounce of it, but it still sucked. Up 4 lbs. I know it's some water, some because my monthly friend is threatening to visit, and some from the dessert I indulged in a little too freely. My goal is to be back where I was by next weigh-in. And then it'll be almost second-fill day, thank goodness.

Send out the search party...

...for my restriction!

I was really hopeful that 6cc would provide something, but I feel not one bit different than I did pre-fill. Not a bit. Bummer, dude.


Now I'm really glad I made that appointment that's in two weeks. I'm seriously starting to white knuckle it. I have NO desire to diet. None. I'm hanging in there, but my will power is slipping away. I am mostly trying to avoid sugar, keep the white carbs on the low end, and focus on getting enough protein. I have to mentally accept that maintaining right now will be a victory.

So I guess it means you should also look for my will power while you are out there.

Enough whining. I know it'll all happen soon enough. I just want it NOW. I'm like that with everything in my life. I have very little patience and am definitely of the instant gratification generation. Hell, I decided I wanted to get banded and had the band within 6 weeks. Yep, instant gratification - that's me.

I wanted to thank you all for the comments on my support group experience. They made me laugh, smile, want to rise up and revolt, drink more coffee, and even get a bit teary-eyed. I will try my surgeon's group, and if that doesn't work, I guess you guys are it. Can you handle the pressure? Oh, maybe someone wants to be my band sponsor? Who's willing to give me their phone number so I can whine to you 24/7? Hello, anyone? Fine. I'll just keep whining here.

In totally unrelated news, DH's dad and his wife came over last night. DH hasn't seen his dad in 17 years. No, that is not a typo. 17 years. It was interesting and went well - we'll be seeing lots of them while they're in town for the next week. Long back story which I'll share someday, I just don't feel like it today, but the short story is DH's parents divorced, FIL acted a fool, DH and his brother cut him out of their lives. Fast-forward 17 years and FIL finds DH via Facebook. It's like a modern fairy tale. They brought the kids TONS of Christmas presents (and a few for us) and since they live near Orlando, everything was Disney. The ironic part is DH and I are so not Disney people. I like the parks, but am not a fan of character clothing or the movies or anything. And now the kids have outfits, sippies, stuffed animals, hats, bags, you name it. DD slept with her Little Mermaid pink chalis-style straw cup last night. I guess we are going to lose this battle.

Wonderful Wednesday

I have no idea why that's my title. I'm tired, I have to go out and deliver PR kits in the snow and cold and don't wanna, and I am only on full liquids today.

BUT...

I am happy today. Just feeling positive. I like this. Could it all be tied together? Losing weight, doing the mental work, putting in the effort to make my life better. I mean, I'm normally a fairly happy person, but I feel lighter, both physically and mentally/emotionally, today.

The scale hasn't moved in two weeks. I am still sitting at 39.8 lbs lost. But that's OK. Now that I am moving a bit more and hopefully have at least a bit of restriction, I expect it to start going down again. Plus, I admit, I had a few naughty meals before my fill (pizza, sushi, and Pad Thai - things I wasn't sure when I'd be able to eat again), so I can't really complain about being the same. However, even without restriction, I didn't over do it. For example, two pieces of pizza was a meal, and a small Pad Thai lasted two meals. That's a HUGE change from the Days of Old Amy.

I have to go deliver these kits (which include lots and lots of cookies - my car is STUFFED with them), but I promise to check in more later. I think I'm addicted to my blogger friends!

What do you want your life to look like?

**I apologize in advance (and am warning you) - this is going to be a long, deep post.**

As a self-pay patient, I was not required to do the psych eval before surgery, but because I am determined to be successful, and because I am a head case, I decided I should do therapy while going on this journey. My first appt was two days before my surgery, and it was your typical "get to know your therapist and let them get to know your history" appt.

However, we did touch on one of the things that I think has contributed to my weight issue - my career. Well, really, my lack there of. I currently work for a non-profit doing communications/PR/marketing. I'm woefully underemployed, seriously bored, and even more seriously and woefully underpaid.

To back up a bit, I've pretty much always excelled at anything I've tried. Not to be braggy, but I was always the head of the class, the leader, in charge, first place. Valedictorian, national merit scholar, magna cum laude in college, graduate assistantship for grad school, magna cum laude for grad school, GREAT job working for Accenture right out of grad school. And I never really studied much or worked that hard. It just kind of happened for me. And as a result, I never learned how to work hard or study.

Post-9/11, I got laid off. Five months later, I finally found a job working for a small non-profit. I LOVED what I did, but I was making less than half of what I had made before. And the job wasn't nearly as glamorous. No laptop. No travel. No company car. And so on. Suddenly, I wasn't the most successful among my friends. Suddenly, there was no career ladder for me to climb. For pretty much the first time in my life, I wasn't leading the pack. And while I was overweight at this point, it was nothing major. It was really at this point that I started packing on the weight.

Fast-forward about ten years, and I am still in virtually the same spot career-wise. New non-profit, new field, but pretty much the same - without a ladder to climb. And this has really bothered me for some time. A huge part of my identity and self-esteem has always been tied to being the leader, the smartest, the most successful. It's who I am - or perhaps I should say, who I was.

So last time, I left with this question to ponder, "What would a better job mean for me?" I've thought a lot about it and have been unable to really determine what it is. More money? Prestige? Success? I like all those, but they aren't quite what I am looking for.

OK, so today, we talked a bit about this when my therapist hit me with the question that about knocked me over:

What do you want your life to look like?

I had never really considered this. I felt like I had been slapped upside the head. You mean I get a say in what my life looks like?

I've not been able to stop thinking about this, and I doubt I will for the next few weeks.

This is the first time I've ever considered that maybe I don't want a high-powered job. Maybe I want to be making a difference at a non-profit while being able to be home with my family every night. Instead of feeling like I have no choice because I can't find a better job, maybe I am CHOOSING this job. Hmmmm, this is so monumental for me, I can't really put it into words.

What do I want my life to look like? How exciting to contemplate this! I get to decide! I'll definitely be writing more about this as I consider it. I'm sure I'll be boring you with it for a long time to come...

However, this question also relates to my weight loss journey. As I see it, I have two choices:

1. Diety - count calories, measure food, journal, work out at 5 am every day. Lose weight quickly. Be the poster child for lap-band. Have my surgeon rave about me and how I'm his most successful patient ever. Be exhausted every evening. Not enjoy meals with my family. Turn down invites to go out with friends. You get the picture.

2. Lifestyle - follow the band rules but don't consider any food off limits. Incorporate more activity into my family's daily lives. Lose weight slowly and steadily. Get to goal eventually, or not. Perhaps hover 15 lbs above goal forever. Enjoy meals with my family. Indulge occasionally.

I think I want my weight loss life to look like #2. But either way, I get to decide. Me. I am in charge. What a concept.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading! The support of this online blog community is amazing.