It's happening to me, too.

I remember reading some blogs about people who were much further along in the band process than I was, and I would read their blogs and I would honestly think to myself, "Yep, she's full of shit. Totally lying."

And now, yep, it's happening to me, too. And I swear, I'm not full of shit!

I have NO idea what size I really am. I am not really content with my body where it's at. And I feel like I am in the twilight zone.

Now, let me preface this by saying that I AM happy where I am. I mean, I'd be a fool not to be happy at having lost 180 lbs. And you know, I do wear my floppy, saggy, baggy, elephant skin with a bit of pride.

However, there is that part of my brain that has been damaged by being fat for so long that is just not on board with the rest of my brain.

Problemo Numero Uno: I don't know what size I am.

I am not really in plus sizes any more. I am pretty solidly in size 16 on the bottom (some 18s) and L or XL on top. However, regular 16s are cut so differently than 16W. And I have a nice saggy belly now that regular 16s don't always accommodate. Some do. Some don't. I'm not used to that. Pants have always been too big in my waist to make up for my thunder thighs and booty. AND my boobs are shrinking. I'm not really complaining, but I do kinda miss the girls sometimes. I'm still filling out my DDDs, so I must have been much bigger than that previously. I look around, and I see other women's bodies, and I wonder if I look like them. I really have no concept of what I look like. I should take some pics I do realize. Sometimes I feel like I still have sooooo far to go. And other days, I feel like I am almost there. And that kind of leads to my second point...

Problemo Numero Zwei: I am not really content with my body.

I am saggy. Very, very saggy. Part of it is my fault for not working out as much as I should have. But a large part of it is just due to being so heavy for so long. In a sick twisted way, I sometimes miss my round, full belly. It may have been big, but it was soft in a Renaissance painting kind of way. Is that totally twisted? Now my belly looks like it has cross hatch marks on it. Don't believe me? Ask Stephanie - I showed her. And she didn't disagree. You know when someone kind of nods along with you that it's as bad as you think. Because it is. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad she didn't lie to me - Stephanie wouldn't! - but it confirms that it's not the most attractive look in the whole world.

And my thighs. They're horrific. If I have enough wine some night, I'll take pics and post. It's as bad as you can possibly imagine.

Sooooo....

I have 3 lbs to lose until my first goal (190 lbs), 13 lbs to my second goal (180 lbs) and 20 lbs to my aspirational goal (173 lbs and a BMI of 24.9). I can't even begin to imagine 3 or 13 or 20 lbs is going to solve these issues. Because they aren't. These issues are mainly in my head and in my inability to redefine myself as a "thin" or at least "thinner" person.

I think part of it is I see myself now as I thought I looked at 374 lbs. Does that make any sense?

It is just going to take time. And acceptance. The bottom line is I am NORMAL now. I wear a 16. Not generous 16s like I tell myself. Not select 16s like I sometimes tell myself. The other bottom line is I did a lot of permanent damage to my body. I am never going to have a bikini body.  But you know what? Bikini bodies are a dime a dozen. Bodies that have the history of significant weight loss are not. And I am going to strut this for-real-16-with-lots-of-saggy-skin body with pride, and that small part of my brain that is totally fucked up? It's just going to have to get over itself!

One last thing, I have shared my blog with a real-life friend for the first time. HI, D! She's in the process of going through her lap-band classes and hopes to have her surgery before the end of the year. How about a few shout-outs to her to start a blog?! Work your magic, BOOBS!

Good friends are like good bras

They are both SUPPORTIVE!

I kinda sprung my news on my friends on Saturday, about 30 min before others were arriving. And asked them to keep it to themselves. Which I realize was kinda mean. But whatever. I am not always nice.

They were both very supportive about it, but we weren't really done discussing it before people started arriving for dinner. And then it was just chaos from then until we left, so we never really got to finish the discussion.

Imagine my tears when I woke up to the following email:

So, I realized that, in all the chaos, I did not have time to tell you how I feel about your surgery. So here it is: I am so proud of you. That step in the right direction, had to be a tough one. I am so excited for you. You know that, no matter what, I will always support your decisions. I am positive that this was the right choice for your weight loss journey. It takes a lot of courage and support and I want to reassure you that I support you. I wish all your extra pounds away! :) I respect that you have to do this journey and decision making on your own terms, but since it's out in the open (at least in our house!), anytime you need encouragement, please call. I will be there to pat you on your back.

I am proud to call you a friend for so many reasons and your dedication is one of those reasons. I will severely miss you being just an short drive away. I mean severely!!! But, I am so super excited for our trip to FL this fall. Ok, I have to go to work, but I felt HORRIBLE because I did not get the chance to say everything I needed to say on Saturday. :)

I really do have some great friends! Ahhhh, here come the tears again. I am such a crier! Will that stop when I get skinny?

News from this mother's front

Happy Mother's Day to every type of mom out there - if you've ever cared for a child, cat, or dog, or provided mothering comfort to someone, give yourself a huge pat on the back!

My mother's day so far has consisted of surviving several temper tantrums, massaging a certain body part on a little boy in hopes of relieving constipation, cleaning the kitchen floor on my hands and knees...and listening to the cutest toddler voice sing nursery rhymes, getting slobbery kisses, and cuddling with my two sweet children on the couch. I guess my day is kind of what mothering is all about!

On the band front, well, I am tight. Probably borderline too tight. I PB'ed the last three days in a row - sigh. Once was on soup and once was on a latte. Not good. However, I can keep liquids down (most of the time!) and am feeling okay, so I am going to ride it out on liquids for a few days. I've had 24 oz of water and a protein shake so far today, and I'm doing good with it.

The good news is I've lost a couple of pounds since my last fill, bringing my grand total to 61.4 lbs. And if you remember, the most I'd lost previously was 59.8 lbs, so the band has officially helped me to lose the most weight I've ever lost! And I'm way ahead of my 10 lbs/month goal, since I'm still two weeks away from my 6-month bandiversary and have already lost 60 lbs. Sweet!

And finally, I told my friends about the band, but not until they'd both been questioning me, "Why aren't you eating? You can't live on that. You need to eat. Blah blah blah." Surprisingly, they weren't all that surprised. I mean, they were surprised I'd done it since I'd been kinda anti-WLS in the past. But it wasn't this big news that I was expecting it to be! And I think it might have sparked some interest in my girlfriend, as she'd definitely be a candidate.

Off to decide if I brave taking these two out by myself somewhere or not. They both refuse to ride in a cart or stroller, which makes life very difficult, as they can both run fast and in opposite directions!

Hard Head (advice needed)

Why? Why must I be so hard-headed?

I tried to eat a burger tonight. No bun, just the meat.

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

Believe me, LESSON LEARNED!

Anyhow, I hoorked like a cat for TWO SOLID HOURS. It was puking-from-the-bottom-of-the-gut PB'ing. It finally stopped, thank goodness, because I was about to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I was home alone with the two kids, and no one was available to come help me.

About 90 min after the PB'ing stopped, I tried some hot cocoa. No dice. It came back up twice. I did manage to keep some water down in between.

I am no longer sliming and am able to swallow my own spit.

My game plan is to let it be for the rest of the night - no water or anything. Assuming I can keep water down in the AM, I will very slowly try a protein shake or a latte. As long as it stays down, I am good to go, right?

I am slightly paranoid that I may have slipped my band or something with all the hoorking (I just like typing that word!). No pain, still able to swallow, etc., so I'm 99% sure I'm okay, but that 1% of me is concerned.

Finally, the kids and I are going to a friend's house for the weekend. She does not know about the band. I'm probably going to have to tell her. I'm okay with it, as she is overweight and I would never want her to think I lost this weight on my own. However, she is also the type of friend who called me 4x/day for the last month of each of my pregnancies to ask if I was in labor yet. That's just how she is. And the reason I didn't/don't want to tell her about the band. It'll be constant questions from now until the end of time. Oh well...

So, my two questions:

1. My band care plan - okay? Other suggestions?

2. If you were my friend, and I sprung on you that I had major surgery nearly 6 months ago, how would you like me to tell you? :) (I'm planning on the whole "This was, and continues to be, a very personal journey for me, and I had to come to terms with my decision before I could share it with others.")

Toodles!

Ate real food!

Our neighbors had me and the kids over for dinner tonight. I didn't really want to discuss the band with them (they are very crunchy -granola people; lovely people, but definitely au natural types), but being so tight, I was fretting it a bit.

Fortunately, I managed to eat some whole wheat mac n cheese, baked sweet potato, and some cheese. And no stuckness at all! I went slooooooooooow and took very small bites.

I saved my avocado from lunch, so I might attempt a bit more later.

The downside is I still don't feel restriction. I mean, I am obviously too tight, but when I do eat, there's no lasting relief from hunger. I assume that's because I'm not able to really eat protein yet nor eat enough to stave off hunger for any reasonable amount of time.

That's okay - I see light at the end of the tunnel. And 50 lbs gone in my near future!

Another quickie (you'd think I was getting lucky or something!)

Long day at a satellite office today, so this is going to be quick.

Tomorrow is fill #5. Very much hoping (and praying!!!) this brings me to restriction.

DD is better. I never got sick. I'm not convinced she had a bug, since she only hoorked twice.

I told a coworker from the satellite office about being banded today! She was telling me about her son-in-law and how he had WLS the day before Thanksgiving...it was like a sign for me to tell her, since it was the same day as my surgery. She was very gracious and supportive, and I trust it'll remain between us. BTW, her SIL has already lost 120 lbs, although I think he had the vertical sleeve done (she wasn't quite sure) and started at over 600 lbs (he's 6'8"), but he's still done amazing! She said he just is never hungry any more and could care less about food...Go him!

Finally, I came home to a package from Kinzie today, stuffed full with FOUR gorgeous tops! Thanks again - I love the sisterhood. I'll have some stuff in a few weeks, so if you started out larger like me (28-ish), keep watching!

I have no idea why I just did this, but I just ate TWO Cadbury Creme Eggs. Ugh. I will say it's the first non-protein snacking I've done in four weeks. And the first Easter candy I've had. I am overtired and being stupid. And on that note, I am sending myself to bed...but not before I ask you to wish me luck tomorrow...

Realizations

One of my (two) friends that knows I was banded came to visit this weekend. She's been pretty supportive, but due to her own weight issues, I think she's struggled a bit with my band. She's the one who told me I just wasn't allowed to get skinnier than her.

We had a great weekend together - cleaning, decluttering (we're nerds - we like doing this together), cooking, shopping, eating.

A little back story - we have been friends for about 5 years now. Maybe 6. We met online on a message board for people divorcing young. We hit it off immediately and became friends instantly. We have tons in common. Tons.

She lives about four hours from me, in Chicago. In July 2006, I joined Weight Watchers and did Core. I had great success with it, and a few months later, she joined me on Core. Of course, we live 100s of miles apart, so we emailed and talked about it constantly, sharing food finds and recipes.

By March 2007, I'd lost 60 lbs (from 322 to 262), and she'd lost about 30 lbs (216 to 185ish). I then found out I was pregnant and totally fell off the wagon. She kept on, but we've both screwed around since then - losing and gaining the same 15-20-25 lbs. Well, obviously, I gained a lot more, but it was in those increments. Anyhow, she's bounced between a 16 and a 12, maybe a 10.

Fast forward to this weekend: We had a great time together. But I realized I really do eat a lot less than I used to. A lot. And waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy slower. I mean, I knew I did, but I didn't realize how much less and how much slower. It was very eye-opening to spend the entire weekend with someone who you know you used to eat almost exactly the same as.

Beyond just this weekend, though, I am starting to realize that eating is just not enjoyable like it used to be. Don't get me wrong - I still enjoy certain foods. But in a lot of ways, eating takes so much mental and physical effort, it has become a bit of a chore. I never, ever, ever in a million years thought I'd say that!

On other notes, if you are struggling like me with tightness yet no restriction, chili is a great meal. It goes down easily, and you can actually eat enough to feel satisfied for more than 2.2 minutes. Luckily, I made enough for a few meals this week. YUM!

Just call me Ms. Cranky Pants

I had a long day yesterday - 7+ hours of driving for a very worthless two hour meeting. Fun times, I tell ya.

I also had my first public PB. I am soooo over PB'ing (my fourth in case you are keeping track). They no longer scare me or gross me out or anything. They just PISS ME OFF. Seriously. I went out to lunch with a coworker. I avoided the burger, because I knew that would spell trouble. But I did opt for chicken nachos. Chewed the first tiny bite very well, and boom! Stuck. Seriously. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. Thank god, no one was in there, since there was just one stall. I came back and pushed my food around on my plate so she wouldn't really realize I wasn't eating. I think she realized but was too polite to say anything.

I hate that it leaves me starving. I hate hate hate the point that I am at. All the crappy parts but no restriction. It sucks.

I lose exactly 0 lbs last week. I deserve it after my bad weekend, but I was really hoping for at least something. So unless I lose 1.4 lbs today, I will not be hitting 40 lbs in 4 months. Sigh.

Why else am I cranky?

• My so-called friends on Facebook who think that I am unAmerican because I think it's aboutdamnedtime that the government tell insurance companies that it is illegal to deny someone coverage just because they lost the game of genetics roulette and have an inherited pre-existing condition that makes getting private insurance impossible.
• The person at McDonald's who assured me my iced coffee was plain when it was in fact not and then argued with me that it was - because yes, I like to waste my time and get to work late over an order that's not indeed wrong - makes total sense to me.
• My husband who has a stomach bug again and wonders why I seriously do not want him to come home this weekend.
• The fact that I can't talk about our move at work yet and I want to sooooo badly.
• The fact that I'm even at work today.
• That I'm still fat. Why aren't I magically skinny?

You might be well-advised to stay far, far away today! Do you think being angry burns additional calories? Maybe I can hit 40 by tomorrow after all. HAHAHA Alright, I'm going to go try to be in a better mood, since I have to give a big presentation at a staff meeting in about 20 min. Smile!

Confusion abounds

(Are you guys tired of me yet? I kind of am! But honestly, I wanted to document my struggles with understanding restriction so that others can learn from them as well as you guys helping me figure this out!)

Half of me thinks I'm overfull. Half of me thinks I'm not there yet. How's that for a fine howdy-do this morning? I'm seriously scratching my head like the screen bean above.

I did a test to see how much I could actually eat last night. I measured out 1 cup of food (veggies, a little rice, and chopped up shish kafta). I was able to eat about 1/2 of it, maybe a tad bit more, before I felt like the next bite was going to sit in the back of my throat. Later on, I was able to eat a slice of deli cheese (horseradish cheddar - yum) with a thin slice of roast beef without much problem. I did go slow and chew well, but it did go down. So, this makes me think I'm not too full. Coupled with the constant hunger, I'm pretty sure I'm not too full.

But then there's the quick pain if I take too big of a gulp of liquid. And the fact that I can't eat more than 1/2 cup of food in 30 minutes. And that I've lost 8.2 lbs in the last 6 days. And I'm pretty sure I'm too full.

Either way, I am going to ride it out. If I am too full, I'm not much too full. The quick weight loss should relax the fill a bit within the next few days. And if I'm not too full, then my next fill is scheduled three weeks from tomorrow and should absolutely, without-a-doubt get me there.

And that's my story.

Like I said before, I got on the scale this morning, and it said 338.6! That's awesome. I am 4.2 lbs from 40, which is my goal by next Thursday, so 10 days away...I can do it! It makes dealing with all this confusion totally worth it.

Hope everyone had a great weekend! We had friends in for the weekend who don't know about my surgery. While she's a very good friend, she's the type who'd call me daily for a status update, and I'm not ready for that. Both times I was pregnant, she literally called/texted/emailed pretty much every day for the last trimester wanting any update. I love her dearly, but that's something I can't handle right now. Or ever.

She commented on my limited food intake no fewer than eleventy billion times. Sigh. And since they stayed with us all weekend, I couldn't play it off like I'd had a big meal just previously or anything. I ended up just saying I was trying to eat smaller amounts of regular food to continue my weight loss. I don't think she totally bought it, hence the asking again and again. And again.

She's used to my efforts to lose weight, so it was enough to quiet her until the next meal. But it was frustrating. I have another friend coming to visit this weekend, but she knows. She's also the one who said I could lose weight as long as I didn't get skinnier than her. Sigh. It really sounds like I need new friends, doesn't it? I really don't. They are both wonderful, wonderful people. They both just have their own weight issues, and I know those weigh on their mind when they think of my efforts and successes (pun intended). Indeed, the friend coming this weekend is taking a day off of work to help me start decluttering in preparation for our move. That's a true friend!

Enough of a novel from me - Happy Monday, my dear banded friends!

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

Why do all my post titles start with a song title? I have no idea!

So, today really is a beautiful day in my neighborhood. Let me count the ways:

• No shoulder pain (knock on wood)!
• No gas pain (double knock on wood)!
• I lost 11.8 lbs this week!
• I've lost 35.2 lbs in 3 weeks!!
• I have officially gone from super obese to morbidly obese. Never thought I'd be so happy to be morbidly obese!
• I just ate about 1/2 cup of the most wonderful, tasty, beautiful, out-of-this-world yogurt. My first "solid" food in 3 weeks!
• I discovered that 1 cup of greek yogurt has 24 grams of protein and has virtually the same nutrition facts as a protein shake. Screw the shakes! (I knew it was high, just didn't realize how high.)
• I am looking forward to a very tasty soup lunch. My second "solid" in 3 weeks!
• I love exclamation points!

You see? It really is a great day here! I am so excited. My clothes are already fitting looser, although I realize at my size, it's probably going to take in the neighborhood (there I go again) of 50 lbs to lose a size and/or for people to notice. I'm okay with that, though, as I'm really not ready to answer questions yet. I should probably start rehearsing my lines though, because it's probably coming sooner than later.

I do have to say, while eating my first couple bites of yogurt, I realized I was randomly sipping on my water. Duh! This is probably going to be the hardest bandster rule for me - I usually drink copious amounts of water while I eat. But I put my spoon down, timed 20 min, and then continued to eat my yogurt until I felt comfortably satisfied but not full. I saved the other half for later this morning, if I want it. Otherwise, it can be an afternoon snack. My dietician only calls for no drinking for 20 min after eating, but I think I'm going to err on the side of caution and go for 45-60 min. I'm dang thirsty, though, so we'll see. Mornings are going to be the roughest, because I wake up super-thirsty, and getting in enough water before eating breakfast might prove challenging. I may have to start drinking while I'm getting ready! The lifestyle changes have begun...

"As long as you don't get skinnier than me."

Told to me by my friend this weekend.

A little back story: Friend and I met several years ago. We both needed to lose some weight, me more than her. We did Weight Watchers Core together long-distance and both had great success. I lost 60 lbs (still had about 90 to go), she lost about 40 to get to her goal weight. Then I got pregnant, gained it all back plus some, and haven't ever truly gotten back on the bandwagon since. She's been off and on the bandwagon since then, and has managed to only gain back 20 lbs at the most. She recently got back to her goal weight for her wedding in June, but has gained some of it back.

We both love to cook and like to exercise (when I'm not so fat, it's so much more fun!), so our friendship has revolved around cooking healthy, trying new exercise (spinning, running, etc.), and sharing recipes/cooking ideas.

Back to this weekend: She is one of two friends I told about my surgery. I wasn't even necessarily going to tell her, but she was coming to visit for the weekend, and I am on my pre-op diet. Plus, with her own weight struggles, I thought she'd be a good support. And really, she is being pretty supportive.

But.

She obviously has some issues with me having the surgery. She's made some random comments here and there, and while they bothered me, I just kind of brushed them off (Example: When referring to this upcoming year and my surgery, "It's going to be a rough year, but I know you can do it." Rough? I was thinking awesome!)

And her issues came to light when I was showing her some of the Before & Afters on LBT this weekend. It obviously dawned on her that I truly am going to lose this weight. And I might not just be not-fat, but I might be skinny. And that comment came rolling out of her mouth. I was stunned. I should have said something, but I didn't.

After thinking about it, I realize that this is more about her than me. It's about her insecurities and her issues with her weight.

However, it was a bit of a wake up call about how my relationships may change as I lose weight. I never thought that my friends thought of me as their "fat friend" but obviously some do. It's going to be an interesting journey.

In other breaking news, I am 54 hours away from surgery! Drinking my last pre-op-protein-shake-breakfast as we speak. I hope to get my bag packed tonight, so we can have a nice relaxing family night tomorrow night.

Just call me Ms. Cranky Pants

Work sucked today. Four hour meeting. A coworker cooked her butt off last night and brought in ALL kinds of goodies that I had to stare at for four hours. Oh, and she baked one of them DURING the meeting, so it smelled heavenly. It was really, really, really hard to resist. Bowls of candy on the tables. I was sitting there thinking, I probably easily ate 1000+ calories at a meeting like that in the past. Mindlessly.

Anyhow, got home and...

DD was cranky.

DS was kinda cranky.

DH is VERY cranky. D stands for damn tonight.

Cranky + liquid diet = Ms. Cranky Pants

I've only got 3 more days of protein shakes and then 1 day of clear liquids and then surgery. I can do this, right? I am so hungry for something, I almost had a pickle. With only 15 calories, I figured it wouldn't hurt. But I resisted...I just want to be able to say I did this without even the slightest cheat.

On brighter notes, one of my dear friends is coming from Chicago this weekend. YEAH! I've told her about the surgery and she's going to drink protein shakes with me. What a friend!

I survived!

I had a lunch today as a part of a committee for a board I sit on. Since I'm the head of the committee, if I had cancelled on lunch, they would have just rescheduled to accommodate me. Sooooo, I faked a unsettled tummy (it was partially true, since I haven't felt that well since starting protein shakes).

It was tough. It was at a great Italian restaurant. I almost ordered a bowl of Italian Wedding Soup and would have just had the broth. But I knew that would be really tempting, and even if I just had the broth, I would have felt I cheated. I had an iced tea instead and enjoyed it.

I kept wishing I was on a less strict pre-op diet. And then I realized - no matter what pre-op diet I was on, I'd want what I couldn't have. So if I was restricted to lean meat and veggies, I would have wanted a sandwich. Murphy's law.

Anyhow, one food event down, one more to go. My daughter's second birthday party is tomorrow. I plan to have a shake right before everyone arrives and be so busy that no one notices if I eat cake or not!

But I'm doing something about it!

I make no sense. I know this. And I'm okay with it.

I've really never been one to apologize for my weight. In the sense that I've never been embarrassed about eating in front of others, being heavy, etc. Not that I *like* it per se, but I've never really felt the need to explain it to people, apologize for it, or feel bad about it.

But suddenly, now that I AM doing something about it, I feel the need to explain it to people. When I am eating in public, I want to say, "Don't worry - this is the last time I'll be eating (insert food here) for a long, long time. I'm getting banded!" I know, seriously. It makes no sense. Especially in light of the fact that I'm not even telling many people about my surgery. But I feel like I've become hyper-aware of everything I'm putting in my mouth, how big my butt is, how crappy I feel, how much I had lost hope until I decided on the band, and so on.

It's like I've finally, finally accepted that this isn't a battle anymore. It's a war. I'm pulling out the big guns to deal with it. And in pulling out this big guns, I'm finally acknowledging a lot of things that I kept locked up. Perhaps locked up with the big guns.

And letting go of these things that I kept locked up will hopefully take lots of the pounds with them, never to return, as I work towards better health, physically and emotionally.

Reactions to dropped bombs

I have intentionally chosen to tell very few people in my life about my surgery. This is my personal journey, one that is painfully embarrassing in many ways. I fully admit I may be ready to tell more people as I lose weight and feel more confident in my choice and/or when the reality of taking the easy way out isn't so fresh. But for the time being, this is something I just don't want to discuss with the entire world. Or even my little circle of friends and family.

Having told two of the chosen few recently has reinforced my decision. While neither reaction was overly negative, neither was either reaction overly positive. I realize that I wanted, craved, expected excitement. And support. I got neither. I got surprise and trepidation. Which, to be fair, is probably how I'd react if a friend dropped a bomb like I just did. However, I also like to think that I'd step outside of myself to realize that the bomb they were dropping wasn't easy for them to drop and at least pretend to be supportive and excited.

I am learning, quickly, to accept that how people react is not about me but about them. Maybe it's about how they want to also take the easy way out, how they feel about themselves, how they wish they had the courage to do what I am doing, how they wish they had the opportunity to changes their lives like I am. It's not about ME. It's not. It's about them.

And since this journey is about ME, I am not going to worry about them.