What do you want your life to look like?

**I apologize in advance (and am warning you) - this is going to be a long, deep post.**

As a self-pay patient, I was not required to do the psych eval before surgery, but because I am determined to be successful, and because I am a head case, I decided I should do therapy while going on this journey. My first appt was two days before my surgery, and it was your typical "get to know your therapist and let them get to know your history" appt.

However, we did touch on one of the things that I think has contributed to my weight issue - my career. Well, really, my lack there of. I currently work for a non-profit doing communications/PR/marketing. I'm woefully underemployed, seriously bored, and even more seriously and woefully underpaid.

To back up a bit, I've pretty much always excelled at anything I've tried. Not to be braggy, but I was always the head of the class, the leader, in charge, first place. Valedictorian, national merit scholar, magna cum laude in college, graduate assistantship for grad school, magna cum laude for grad school, GREAT job working for Accenture right out of grad school. And I never really studied much or worked that hard. It just kind of happened for me. And as a result, I never learned how to work hard or study.

Post-9/11, I got laid off. Five months later, I finally found a job working for a small non-profit. I LOVED what I did, but I was making less than half of what I had made before. And the job wasn't nearly as glamorous. No laptop. No travel. No company car. And so on. Suddenly, I wasn't the most successful among my friends. Suddenly, there was no career ladder for me to climb. For pretty much the first time in my life, I wasn't leading the pack. And while I was overweight at this point, it was nothing major. It was really at this point that I started packing on the weight.

Fast-forward about ten years, and I am still in virtually the same spot career-wise. New non-profit, new field, but pretty much the same - without a ladder to climb. And this has really bothered me for some time. A huge part of my identity and self-esteem has always been tied to being the leader, the smartest, the most successful. It's who I am - or perhaps I should say, who I was.

So last time, I left with this question to ponder, "What would a better job mean for me?" I've thought a lot about it and have been unable to really determine what it is. More money? Prestige? Success? I like all those, but they aren't quite what I am looking for.

OK, so today, we talked a bit about this when my therapist hit me with the question that about knocked me over:

What do you want your life to look like?

I had never really considered this. I felt like I had been slapped upside the head. You mean I get a say in what my life looks like?

I've not been able to stop thinking about this, and I doubt I will for the next few weeks.

This is the first time I've ever considered that maybe I don't want a high-powered job. Maybe I want to be making a difference at a non-profit while being able to be home with my family every night. Instead of feeling like I have no choice because I can't find a better job, maybe I am CHOOSING this job. Hmmmm, this is so monumental for me, I can't really put it into words.

What do I want my life to look like? How exciting to contemplate this! I get to decide! I'll definitely be writing more about this as I consider it. I'm sure I'll be boring you with it for a long time to come...

However, this question also relates to my weight loss journey. As I see it, I have two choices:

1. Diety - count calories, measure food, journal, work out at 5 am every day. Lose weight quickly. Be the poster child for lap-band. Have my surgeon rave about me and how I'm his most successful patient ever. Be exhausted every evening. Not enjoy meals with my family. Turn down invites to go out with friends. You get the picture.

2. Lifestyle - follow the band rules but don't consider any food off limits. Incorporate more activity into my family's daily lives. Lose weight slowly and steadily. Get to goal eventually, or not. Perhaps hover 15 lbs above goal forever. Enjoy meals with my family. Indulge occasionally.

I think I want my weight loss life to look like #2. But either way, I get to decide. Me. I am in charge. What a concept.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading! The support of this online blog community is amazing.

Who needs the band? Just get the stomach flu!

Seriously, who needs the band? I might not have restriction, but I'm barely eating anything. Unfortunately, it's not as fun as it might sound, as it's because I am still nauseated from that dumb stomach flu. For example, last night for dinner, I had 2 oz of meat, about 6 brussel sprouts, and 2 bites of roasted potatoes. And I felt instantly nauseated. It happens at every meal, regardless of what I am eating. I'm tired of this - it's been nearly a week, and I still don't feel 100%.

I just hope that means I lose this week. I have been a good girl and stayed off the scale, so I won't know until Wednesday. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Other than that, DH and I are going to work on decluttering this house. We have SOOOOOOO much junk - and I am tired of it. Vanessa posted about the show Intervention. Also on A&E is Hoarders - anyone else watch it? Whenever we watch an episode, I have a near compulsion to get rid of everything but the bare necessities! It's like aversion therapy. So, off to declutter I go...

Santa brought me...

...my one month bandiversary!

What a wonderful Christmas present! I really couldn't ask for anything else. I'm nearly 40 lbs down (17 post-op) and am looking forward to my first fill in less than two weeks. In one month, I've (mostly) physically healed and already started working on relearning my attitudes towards food and eating. In the next month, I intend to start doing more purposeful exercise and continuing my mental work by keeping up with my blog and seeing my therapist.

Actually, more so than Christmas, I keep thinking how this is going to be the best New Year's in a very, very long time, because I don't have to make a resolution to lose weight and then feel guilty when it doesn't happen. That was so 2009. 2010 will be the year of ME! (But more on that later...)

Merry Christmas to all my blogger friends who celebrate...and a relaxing day to all my Jewish and other blogger friends who don't.

Back in the land of the living

Thanks for all your support - I'm calling my surgeon today!

But boy, that bug SUCKED. We got hit h.a.r.d. DH slept for 16 hours straight yesterday! Thankfully, my mom came to help, or we would have been in a world of hurt, as we were both too weak to even pick up the kids. Poor DD still isn't really eating, but she seems to be feeling a bit better. I'm back at work today.

The good news is the nastiness helped me lose another 3.8 lbs this week, bringing my grand total to 39.8 lbs. My stretch goal was to be at 50 lbs lost by my first fill, but I think I'll have to revise that to 45, since it's in less than two weeks. I knew 50 was a stretch, and I'm ok with not hitting it. I like stretch goals. Either way, I'm thrilled with how well I've done. Seriously, I'm already 20% of the way to my goal!

Since we both have small families, our holiday celebrations are minimal, meaning I don't have too many food mines to avoid these next few days. Thankfully!

Today is my last day of work until January 4th. No complaints here. And off to work I must go (well, I'm actually here, but I must get to work.) Toodles!

Losing the hard way

Just a quick post to say that our house has been hit by the stomach bug. First, DS. Then DD got it bad enough that I had her in the ER last night. While we were gone, DH got it. Once I got back home, I got it as well.

It's nasty. I did use DD's Zofran to keep from vomiting, and managed to only have one bout of it, so hopefully, I didn't do any damage, especially since I'm not even 4 weeks post-op.

Post more when I am feeling better.

Even boring myself...

I just sat here for 10 min, trying to come up with something to post about. A witty title. Anything to interest my 32!!! followers. And guess what I came up with? Nada.

But I guess that's actually a good thing.

Let's see. Eating is going pretty well. I've not gone overboard and have only strayed from my prescribed post-op instructions twice. Once was last week at my work holiday party - I had two small cookies and about 8 potato chips. The other was over the weekend - I had a few bites of a hot fudge sundae. Not too shabby - I've almost completed 5 weeks, including pre-op, and I'm happy with where I am. I have avoided the scale this week, so I have no clue what Wed will bring. I hope it's good news, but if not, I know this is still recovery time, and with zero restriction, I can't expect miracles. My goal is to hold steady through the rest of the holidays until my first fill in early January. If I can go into that still 36 lbs down, I'll mark it down as a success!

Other than that, I seriously am boring. Work through Wed, then Christmas Eve at our house with the in-laws, then Christmas Day at my parents' house. And then DD and I are taking a short road-trip to visit my BFF in WI. That should be interesting, as DD has never been on a long car trip. I'm hoping she does OK! Since she still rides rear-facing, I am going to flip her carseat around for the drive so I can see what she's doing easier. Hopefully that will thrill her enough to keep her occupied for the 6-7 hour drive!

OK, enough boring you. Off to see what everyone else is up (or down!) to!

Amazingly good at being amazingly bad

I'm still contemplating the "Secret and Other Destructive Eating Habits" question. And I have come to realize I was either really, really GOOD or really, really, really BAD. There was rarely an in-between for me. I could undo a few months of GOOD in a few days or weeks of BAD. I am amazingly good at being amazingly BAD.

For example, while being BAD, I'd have a craving for something healthy, like a chicken salad. But instead of eating a grilled chicken salad with a light dressing, like I wanted to, I'd opt for chicken strips and fries. Because I was being BAD. I only ate salads when being GOOD. Therefore, I had to choose the BAD option. And hell, I don't even really like fries.

Another example is butter on veggies. I don't even care for butter on veggies. But in a BAD phase, I'd butter the heck out of our veggies. Why? Oh, yeah, because I'm BAD, and BAD = butter + veggies. Michael Jackson wrote BAD just for me.

I'd eat a bedtime snack, even if I wasn't hungry. Because I was in a BAD phase. A giant bowl of ice cream. Or a vat of buttered popcorn. Those are BAD snacks in Amy's World. And it doesn't matter if you want it or not. If you are BAD, you eat it. Because that's what you do when you are BAD.

I've always known this was a big problem for me, but I never could conscientiously overcome it. Maybe because I was always anticipating the next GOOD phase? Knowing I'd have to give all these things up, and so regardless of whether I wanted them or not, I felt like I had to eat them so I wouldn't miss them as much when I was being GOOD. Funny thing is I still missed them, whether or not I had eaten them recently.

So, as you can imagine, I rarely just maintained my weight. I have been gaining or losing since my senior year of high school. Lots more gaining than losing going on. My shot up the weight charts looks like a giant bolt of lightening.

My goal is to work through this and come out not feeling like foods are GOOD or BAD. To work towards a middle ground where food is neutral. Is that possible?