I promised to be honest.
And it paid off, because...
Drum roll, please.
I got up and did a mile with Leslie this morning!
Go, me! Go, me!
Wednesday, March 10
Tuesday, March 9
Publicly committing...
...to getting up and doing a one-mile Leslie Sansone in the AM. I need to start working out and this sounds like a good start. She kinda gets on my nerves, but I know it's doable.
I'll be honest and post whether or not I did it. And if I don't, you all have permission to unfollow me. OK, not really, because I love my followers, but it's not like you can come smack me instead!
I'll be honest and post whether or not I did it. And if I don't, you all have permission to unfollow me. OK, not really, because I love my followers, but it's not like you can come smack me instead!
PERFECT TEN!
Yes, I am being optimistic. This morning's fill was my fourth; I got 1cc bringing me to a grand total of 10cc. Remember, I have a 14cc band. Both the surgeon and the program coordinator said they'd be really surprised if this fill didn't bring about a decent level of restriction. I am so hopeful! Last time (when I was at 9cc), neither of them made such comments and were much more "Everyone's different." I think that based on my symptoms (two PB's and a little sticking) and the level of fill, I have got to be close!
I want to go eat something right now to find out!
But I won't. No solids until Thursday. Or tomorrow if I rebel against the rules (clear liquids today, full liquids tomorrow, mushies on Thursday, regular food on Friday).
I took the rest of the day off. About to go do some laundry, work on a logo design for my maybe-photography-business, and take a nap before I go get the kids. Later, my find banded friends!
I want to go eat something right now to find out!
But I won't. No solids until Thursday. Or tomorrow if I rebel against the rules (clear liquids today, full liquids tomorrow, mushies on Thursday, regular food on Friday).
I took the rest of the day off. About to go do some laundry, work on a logo design for my maybe-photography-business, and take a nap before I go get the kids. Later, my find banded friends!
Monday, March 8
Do I even have a band?
Seriously. I am so glad I have a fill tomorrow. I have been a very, very bad girl. Naughty, naughty. I had a bad case of last-supper-itis this weekend. Knowing I most likely (hopefully?) will be at restriction after tomorrow's fill, I went a little wild this weekend. I deserve only coal from Santa next year based on what entered my pie-hole all weekend. What the hell is wrong with me? Restriction or not, I don't need to eat like this. It's like teenaged rebellion gone wrong - "Fine, no restriction. I'll show you, you stupid band. I am going to eat this and that and this and more of that until you give me that restriction."
By the way, they've called me three times to remind me of tomorrow's appointment. Maybe it's a sign that tomorrow is the day. Restriction is on the horizon, right?
I did have a glimmer of hope this morning when I realized it was lunch time and had been satisfied all morning on my greek yogurt with granola. I never even touched my banana. But after lunch, it was like the flood gates opened. I'm trying to stave it off with water and coffee, but I am hungry. Very hungry.
On other notes, does anyone else have FBS? That's First Bite Syndrome for you luckies that don't have it. It's where the esophagus basically spasms with your first bite or two of food. I realized I had it when I thought about my two PB incidents (first or second bite) and how often I feel stuck at first, but if I wait it out, I can eat the rest of my meal without problem. A little research over at LBT brought me to the conclusion that I do indeed suffer from FBS. If you do suffer, here's what helps:
1. Start your meal with a hot liquid.
2. Wait 30 seconds between bites, even if it doesn't feel sticky.
3. Take small bites.
4. Take a primer bite or two about 20 min before your meal to get your esophagus to behave during the meal.
And here's my very un-scientific explanation for FBS, sticking, and PB'ing. So imagine your band. It's wrapped around the top of your stomach, which is essentially the bottom of your esophagus. Now think about when you swallow; food doesn't just plummet freely into your stomach. It's forced down by the esophagus through rhythmic tensing of the muscle. So the top of your esophagus tenses and then relaxes as the next part tenses and so on, which pushes the food through. The AMY Theory on FBS/sticking/PB is that the band interferes with the final point of tensing, and your esophagus/stomach kind of freaks out. It doesn't like being messed with, so it doesn't finish pushing the food all the way into the stomach, and it just kind of sits there at the bottom of your esophagus, causing pain. Lots and lots of pain. Really bad pain. And instead of being smart and just pushing it the rest of the way through, it tells your mouth to make lots of mucus and saliva. And tells your heart to start beating like crazy. And your kids to start screaming at that very moment. Ok, that last one isn't my esophagus talking, but damn, why do they always decide to cry when I am stuck? I like to PB in peace, thankyouverymuch.
My theory really does make sense, doesn't it? It would explain why waiting is so crucial. If you eat a second bite before your esophagus has given your food up to your stomach, it's just going to sit on top of the first bite, causing even more issues.
And there you have it! Did you all enjoy your science lesson? I seriously should teach! I could come up with a theory on just about anything. Global warming? It's all these cell phones giving off heat! Or too many teenaged girls straightening their hair with those freakishly hot straightening irons! Yes! Or my over use of exclamation points!
Off to read some blogs, my friends...just wanted to say you all rock. Mucho much.
By the way, they've called me three times to remind me of tomorrow's appointment. Maybe it's a sign that tomorrow is the day. Restriction is on the horizon, right?
I did have a glimmer of hope this morning when I realized it was lunch time and had been satisfied all morning on my greek yogurt with granola. I never even touched my banana. But after lunch, it was like the flood gates opened. I'm trying to stave it off with water and coffee, but I am hungry. Very hungry.
On other notes, does anyone else have FBS? That's First Bite Syndrome for you luckies that don't have it. It's where the esophagus basically spasms with your first bite or two of food. I realized I had it when I thought about my two PB incidents (first or second bite) and how often I feel stuck at first, but if I wait it out, I can eat the rest of my meal without problem. A little research over at LBT brought me to the conclusion that I do indeed suffer from FBS. If you do suffer, here's what helps:
1. Start your meal with a hot liquid.
2. Wait 30 seconds between bites, even if it doesn't feel sticky.
3. Take small bites.
4. Take a primer bite or two about 20 min before your meal to get your esophagus to behave during the meal.
And here's my very un-scientific explanation for FBS, sticking, and PB'ing. So imagine your band. It's wrapped around the top of your stomach, which is essentially the bottom of your esophagus. Now think about when you swallow; food doesn't just plummet freely into your stomach. It's forced down by the esophagus through rhythmic tensing of the muscle. So the top of your esophagus tenses and then relaxes as the next part tenses and so on, which pushes the food through. The AMY Theory on FBS/sticking/PB is that the band interferes with the final point of tensing, and your esophagus/stomach kind of freaks out. It doesn't like being messed with, so it doesn't finish pushing the food all the way into the stomach, and it just kind of sits there at the bottom of your esophagus, causing pain. Lots and lots of pain. Really bad pain. And instead of being smart and just pushing it the rest of the way through, it tells your mouth to make lots of mucus and saliva. And tells your heart to start beating like crazy. And your kids to start screaming at that very moment. Ok, that last one isn't my esophagus talking, but damn, why do they always decide to cry when I am stuck? I like to PB in peace, thankyouverymuch.
My theory really does make sense, doesn't it? It would explain why waiting is so crucial. If you eat a second bite before your esophagus has given your food up to your stomach, it's just going to sit on top of the first bite, causing even more issues.
And there you have it! Did you all enjoy your science lesson? I seriously should teach! I could come up with a theory on just about anything. Global warming? It's all these cell phones giving off heat! Or too many teenaged girls straightening their hair with those freakishly hot straightening irons! Yes! Or my over use of exclamation points!
Off to read some blogs, my friends...just wanted to say you all rock. Mucho much.
Wednesday, March 3
What's going right
Wow, I sounded like a whiney brat in my last post. I promise, I'm really not Debbie Downer in real life. I'm really not!
So, I am going to focus on what I am doing right. And what is going well right now:
- I'm down more than 35 lbs in 3 months.
- I'm averaging almost 3 lbs/week lost. Not too shabby.
- I haven't drank soda in almost 4 months.
- I do not drink while I eat.
- I wait 30 min after eating to drink.
- I've cut down my portions substantially.
- I'm learning to take small bites.
- I'm thinking about exercising. ;) Hey, that counts, right?
- Dinners are much simpler (meaning smaller and less caloric) now that I don't feel like I have to cook something elaborate for DH.
- The weather is breaking, at least for the time being.
- It's sunny out longer, meaning we can go for walks after work.
- I'm being vigilant about my fills.
- I'm learning to chew well.
- I'm recognizing self-defeating behaviors.
I should be celebrating instead of feeling like a failure, right? In my perfectionist, type-A way, I was seriously ready to throw in the towel of success on my first year banded. How's that for "all or nothing" for you? I need serious mental help. Oh wait, I'm already getting serious mental help, and I'm still a mess! This is not looking good. :) Just teasing, although I really was feeling like a band failure until I took a step back and realized that this is A. a journey; B. a learning process; C. the very beginning and I am still a total baby bandster. 3 months is nothing. NOTHING. NOTHING. in the whole scheme of things. Why do I expect that I'd have it all figured out by now? Not that it excuses the Starbucks and lack of exercise - those are both my fault - but it's a process. Some steps forward, some steps back. As long as I am moving forward more than I am moving back, I am fine. And that's good enough for me. Fine. (OK, not really, but I am working on it being good enough for me.)
Tuesday, March 2
{Insert title here}
I can't even come up with a title. Is that sad or what? So, yes, I am here. With obviously only half of my mind left!
Since I posted last week, the only thing I have really done is up my water. It's ironic, as I normally drink so much water. Like at least 2 liters per day. But since I'm trying to follow at least some of the bandster rules, I haven't been drinking while I eat, and I've been waiting at least 30 min after eating before drinking. Unfortunately, that tends to just make me forget about drinking until it's meal time again. And then I just chug some water before I eat. Not ideal.
I have not exercised nor have I been eating right. However, I wanted to say THANKS from the bottom of my heart for your comments. Because I am really struggling with this right now. I am definitely in bandster hell - and my definition of it is all the shitty parts and none of the good parts. Because, yes, I PB'ed again. On french toast Sunday morning. Really, it was my fault, but it's still frustrating to feel food getting stuck and PB'ing yet have no relief from hunger.
It's so good to know that restriction should help a lot. I know I'm going to have to do my part, but I am encouraged that it will be doable and I'll be more motivated when I have the band helping me. Honestly, if it weren't for you all telling me that, I would be a mess right now. You are keeping me from falling right off the cliff of band-insanity.
And then I had a mini breakdown today, because DH called to let me know that it's going to be at least three weeks before the owner of the company he is working for heads to FL to scout out locations. Which means at least three weeks before I have any answers as to how long I have to continue playing single mom. I know some of you out there do it all the time, and my hat is off to you. I am really struggling with it. Mornings are a battle to get me and the kids out the door on time, work all day, pick them up, feed them, clean up the kitchen, play, get them to bed, prep for the next day, and if I'm lucky, have 30 min or so to myself. And because they are both so young, they have to be wherever I am, so cooking and cleaning take three times as long as they should to do.
I do MUCH better when I know what I am working with. This whole unknown is driving me insane. INSANE. I can keep doing this, BUT I can't do it indefinitely. I need to know how long I have to do it. Even if it's 6 more months, I can do it. I just want to know.
I did, however, once I quit pouting, put a plan into place to help me out. First, I am pampering myself with a cut and highlight over lunch on Thursday. I also called my neighbor to see if her 12-year old would come over twice/week and watch the kids for a few hours while I cook, clean, decompress. It'll take a week or two for DD to warm up to her (she only wants mommy all the time), but once she does, I hope this will help a bit. Finally, I told my boss that I needed to take next Tuesday off for a personal day. I have my fill in the AM and am going to CHILL in the PM while the kiddos are at the sitter's. I need it.
On the work front, I HATE the frickin' media. In case you didn't know, I am the PR manager for Girl Scouts, and one of the cookies has been recalled for an off-taste (no danger in eating them). Fortunately, it's not a cookie that we sell in our council. Unfortunately, all the media cares about is that a GIRL SCOUT COOKIE HAS BEEN RECALLED. DANGER. DANGER. DANGER. RED ALERT. STOP THE PRESSES. DANGER.
They have been horrible about reporting the recall and then holding up one of the boxes of cookies that *I* gave them. One that has NOT been recalled. So, I have been doing press releases, media alerts, interviews, and such all. week. and all. weekend. I am seriously tired of it. I've been on the tv and radio about a dozen times in the last 5 or so days. Too bad I'm wasting my fifteen minutes of fame on this crap.
That's my life right now in a nut shell. I am hanging on by a thread in so many ways - work, family, band. I feel like I am on the edge on all three of them. I am really hopeful that I will be at restriction next week with my fill. With the sticking and PB'ing I've been doing, I've got to imagine I'm close. If not, it's not going to be pretty. I just keep telling myself just to make it until Tuesday.
Since I posted last week, the only thing I have really done is up my water. It's ironic, as I normally drink so much water. Like at least 2 liters per day. But since I'm trying to follow at least some of the bandster rules, I haven't been drinking while I eat, and I've been waiting at least 30 min after eating before drinking. Unfortunately, that tends to just make me forget about drinking until it's meal time again. And then I just chug some water before I eat. Not ideal.
I have not exercised nor have I been eating right. However, I wanted to say THANKS from the bottom of my heart for your comments. Because I am really struggling with this right now. I am definitely in bandster hell - and my definition of it is all the shitty parts and none of the good parts. Because, yes, I PB'ed again. On french toast Sunday morning. Really, it was my fault, but it's still frustrating to feel food getting stuck and PB'ing yet have no relief from hunger.
It's so good to know that restriction should help a lot. I know I'm going to have to do my part, but I am encouraged that it will be doable and I'll be more motivated when I have the band helping me. Honestly, if it weren't for you all telling me that, I would be a mess right now. You are keeping me from falling right off the cliff of band-insanity.
And then I had a mini breakdown today, because DH called to let me know that it's going to be at least three weeks before the owner of the company he is working for heads to FL to scout out locations. Which means at least three weeks before I have any answers as to how long I have to continue playing single mom. I know some of you out there do it all the time, and my hat is off to you. I am really struggling with it. Mornings are a battle to get me and the kids out the door on time, work all day, pick them up, feed them, clean up the kitchen, play, get them to bed, prep for the next day, and if I'm lucky, have 30 min or so to myself. And because they are both so young, they have to be wherever I am, so cooking and cleaning take three times as long as they should to do.
I do MUCH better when I know what I am working with. This whole unknown is driving me insane. INSANE. I can keep doing this, BUT I can't do it indefinitely. I need to know how long I have to do it. Even if it's 6 more months, I can do it. I just want to know.
I did, however, once I quit pouting, put a plan into place to help me out. First, I am pampering myself with a cut and highlight over lunch on Thursday. I also called my neighbor to see if her 12-year old would come over twice/week and watch the kids for a few hours while I cook, clean, decompress. It'll take a week or two for DD to warm up to her (she only wants mommy all the time), but once she does, I hope this will help a bit. Finally, I told my boss that I needed to take next Tuesday off for a personal day. I have my fill in the AM and am going to CHILL in the PM while the kiddos are at the sitter's. I need it.
On the work front, I HATE the frickin' media. In case you didn't know, I am the PR manager for Girl Scouts, and one of the cookies has been recalled for an off-taste (no danger in eating them). Fortunately, it's not a cookie that we sell in our council. Unfortunately, all the media cares about is that a GIRL SCOUT COOKIE HAS BEEN RECALLED. DANGER. DANGER. DANGER. RED ALERT. STOP THE PRESSES. DANGER.
They have been horrible about reporting the recall and then holding up one of the boxes of cookies that *I* gave them. One that has NOT been recalled. So, I have been doing press releases, media alerts, interviews, and such all. week. and all. weekend. I am seriously tired of it. I've been on the tv and radio about a dozen times in the last 5 or so days. Too bad I'm wasting my fifteen minutes of fame on this crap.
That's my life right now in a nut shell. I am hanging on by a thread in so many ways - work, family, band. I feel like I am on the edge on all three of them. I am really hopeful that I will be at restriction next week with my fill. With the sticking and PB'ing I've been doing, I've got to imagine I'm close. If not, it's not going to be pretty. I just keep telling myself just to make it until Tuesday.
I'm alive.
I'm here. Just swamped. And frustrated. And not at all doing what I swore I would do last week. I will post more tonight when the kiddos are sleeping if I am not!
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