I want to be like Amy.

Not me-Amy, but Amy W.

While she has a lot of enviable traits (have you seen that smile?), I'm actually not really trying to be like her or even copycatting her (even though it's tempting), but it just so happens that the hubs has been entertaining the idea of trying Atkins to lose some weight. And I had been entertaining the idea of entertaining his idea of trying Atkins along with him. And then when I read that the lean, mean weight-loss machine Amy lost 8 lbs in one week of doing Atkins, well, that sealed the deal.

And seriously, I am finally skinnier than hubs, so you know, I can't let him lose faster than me. He's already got that whole male advantage thing. Yes, I know, I have that whole band advantage thing. But seriously, I like being skinnier than him.When you are taller than your husband, being skinnier than him helps you feel a bit petite, even if you are anything BUT petite!

Our journey starts next Wed. (We're going out of town this weekend.) My meals won't change dramatically, but my snacking will. Snacking has become my downfall, so I am hoping this will help me refocus on eating meals and using nutritious snacks when necessary.

And you know, any excuse to use heavy whipping cream in my coffee and not feel guilty, well, I'm on it!

I don't even expect anyone to respond.

Have you ever put something off and the longer you put it off, the harder it becomes to do? That's how I felt about writing this post. I don't know why. I mean, we're all friends here. I don't have to post daily or weekly, if I don't want to. But I DO want to. But then I start feeling like everyone's stayed in touch except for me, and that I'm a big loser who no one cares if I write or not, and then I let those feelings feed off each other until it's been six weeks since I've EVEN LOGGED IN, because I get all weird about it.

So, there you have it. I am weird. And I let my weirdness feed on itself until I've weirded myself out about doing something that's totally no big deal. UGH. I should probably get some therapy, huh?

Since I last wrote:

• I got to meet Angela. Holy cannoli, she is the sweetest, the cutest, the most motivating. She is simply awesome.
• I completed a half-marathon, in no small part thanks to Angela, who gave me the motivation to finish. It was hell, I was exhausted, but I did it. 
• I was in my BFF's wedding in California. It was absolutely beautiful, and it was so much fun to wear a size 18 dress. And I hired Joey to design their wedding gift, which turned out better than I could have ever dreamed!
• I've intereviewed with FIVE companies and have a sixth scheduled for Thursday.
• I had one job offer I turned down. It was with D*isney. The pay was PATHETIC. Pitiful really. Half of what I made at my last job, and my last job was a small non-profit in one of the most economically disadvantaged cities in the entire country.
• I had to turn down an invitation to join the lovely BOOBS in Chicago, once again. I have already had two girls' only trips this year and am planning another to go see a dear friend who's pregnant when she has her baby next month (ironically in Chicago). I think DH would leave me if I asked for a fourth girls' only trip this year.
• I'm back down to my lowest weight. And think I'm finally ready to enter uncharted territory.
• I realized I've not had a fill in nearly 11 months! Crazy!
• I've been super busy with photography and finally have paying customers!

So, there you have it...I may or may not post again before May, you know, with my recent track record and all...but I plan to!

THANK YOU!

I knew posting here would help. Thanks for the supportive comments, the emails, the phone calls...I especially took to heart those of you who said I had inspired you. I felt (feel?) so lost that I forget that other people don't see me that way. Thank you!

I got to hang out with Heidi yesterday, and let me tell you, that woman is good for the soul.

I chatted with Angela Friday night, and we decided to do a hard-core protein shake/lean protein/steamed veggie "get serious" plan for two weeks. Protein shakes during the day, and lean protein+steamed veggies for dinner. I want to kick start my weight loss, as does she. We're starting tomorrow - anyone else???

I started Zoloft again. I was afraid of the side effects, specifically gaining weight, but it's not like I'm losing without it, so why not give it a real shot? So I am.

And just to clarify a few things, just so you guys don't think I'm a slacker. I live in a vacation home community. Out of the 400 or so houses in our neighborhood, I know of two others that are occupied annually (by old folks, nonetheless). And actually, the one couple has theirs up for sale. Anyhow, the rest of the houses, and I am not exaggerating, are vacation rentals. (Ours was as well until we rented it.) I have no neighbors. Obviously, a bad idea in hingsight, but we're only here until June, so we'll see where we go once our lease is up.

On the subject of babysitters, I'd LOVE to hire someone to watch the kids even once/week. So far, though, everyone I've contacted is $10-12/hour. Without me working, that's something we just can't afford. I am doing a babysitting swap with some of the moms in my moms' group, but that comes with a price of course - having to watch someone else's kids!

I'm not giving up. I just have to remember where I came from:

And where I am now:

The only obstacle between me and success is me.

I suckity suck suck SUCK.

I have a problem. For real.

You see, my head seems to be permanently up my ass. I cannot seem to pull myself together. Apparently, I like my life like this, or I would do something about it. Right?

I thought maybe putting it all out on the table here would help. So here goes nothing.

• I am eating like crap. I know I am, and it needs to stop. But I don't really want to stop. I like chocolate, I like cream in my coffee. I like soda (yep, the big no-no, and I've been committing it.) I'll eat good for about 6 hours, and then it all goes to hell. I have no desire to eat healthy. Thank goodness for restriction so I can't go hog wild.
• I am not exercising regularly. I haven't been to the gym in ages. I am running sporadically, and the only reason I am even doing that is I have this half-marathon coming up in less than 3 weeks, and I am not even close to being prepared. 13.1 miles should prove very interesting right around mile 10.
• I sit around all day doing jack crap. I take the kids somewhere daily (library, Disney, etc.), but beyond that, I don't do much. I have no friends or family here. DH has been working insane hours (24 days straight and counting, 80+ hours/week). I have no one to help me or to lean on or to give me a break. Honestly, I hate staying home with the kids. I hate making breakfast and lunch and dinner and snacks. They eat all the freakin' time. I hate cleaning the house. I hate reading books to them. I hate playing play-doh. I hate pretending to eat stuff DD makes in her play kitchen. Can you tell I hate it all?
• I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am applying for jobs. I think I have a decent resume, but no real bites so far. I don't even know what it is I want to do, though. I know what I am qualified for, but beyond that, I couldn't even tell you what I want to be doing in 5 years.

I've been trying to fake it until I make it. I have 8 photography shoots set up so I can build my portfolio. But then I get all discouraged, because to really make a go of it, I need about $5,000 in equipment that I don't have the funds for. I have been doing a bunch of online writing for pay, but the pay is crap. I made myself a to-do list for every day, and have been pretty good about checking stuff off of it, but the to-do list seems to be getting longer instead of shorter. I put things off that take about 5 min to do, and cause myself a bunch of stress for days while putting it off. I've gotten more involved in the local moms' group, hoping to make some friends, but I just haven't really clicked with anyone yet.

My faking it isn't going really well, though, obviously.

I feel like I need to make the best of this time I have left staying home and having the time to really exercise and do all that. I get all motivated every night and by the next morning, any motivation to do anything is gone once I realize I still have to take care of the kids, feed them, clean, and all that jazz.

So there it is. My giant pity party. My "my head is up my ass" story. I am so sorry that I keep disappearing and reappearing. If I could just get my act together...

Braggity, braggity - photos I took

Yes, I am totally bragging, as I am thrilled with how these turned out. I feel like I finally GET it. I know what to do to get the shot I want. When I first decided to really 'understand' photography, I had NO idea how complex it is. While it's frustrating at times, it's also fun, because there is always, always, always more to learn about photography. It truly can be a life-long hobby.

Enough of my babbling, though, here they are - my BFF's engagement photos, shot by yours truly! (Click any photo to make it larger.)

Back from the frozen tundra with the biggest NSV yet!

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did ya miss me?

I'm back, and whoa boy, have I got a story for you. In case I didn't mention it, I used to live in WI, so I know all about WI's fine dining choices. Of course, I don't get back very often anymore, so when I do, I like to hit all my favorites. The top of the list is, and has always been, Kopp's. Frozen custard heaven. Butter burger bonanza. Burgers are kinda out right now, but let's face it, frozen custard is like a bandster's dream come true.

Can you believe I planned this trip for almost two months, flew 2.5 hours to WI, and was in WI for 8 hours before BFF said, "Hey, do you want Kopp's?". And until she said that, it never once crossed my mind. Not even once.

Did you all feel that? It was the earth tipping off its axis. As that has never, ever, ever happened before. I did proceed to eat it twice, though. I'm not that much of an angel!

The trip was tons of fun - I will certainly share photos once I edit them. We went running twice - 3 miles and 5 miles. The half-marathon is in just under 8 weeks, and while I'm not yet prepared, I'm feeling good about where I am with it. We made our tutus and bought princess tiaras. I ate rather well and am looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in.

The break from the kids was great. The break from being MOM was great. The chance to relax and unwind was great. All in all, it was a fun five days. But I am glad to be home and look forward to getting back into a routine, since we've been wacky with guests and holidays and trips for more than two months now.

Alright, off to see what you guys have been up to! Smooches!

New Low!

Finally got my new scale battery, and while I was a bit scared, I'm glad I stepped on - 247.6! What a way to start my mini-vacation at BFF's in WI. Be good until I can check in again, probably Tues morning.

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