You see, my head seems to be permanently up my ass. I cannot seem to pull myself together. Apparently, I like my life like this, or I would do something about it. Right?
I thought maybe putting it all out on the table here would help. So here goes nothing.
- I am eating like crap. I know I am, and it needs to stop. But I don't really want to stop. I like chocolate, I like cream in my coffee. I like soda (yep, the big no-no, and I've been committing it.) I'll eat good for about 6 hours, and then it all goes to hell. I have no desire to eat healthy. Thank goodness for restriction so I can't go hog wild.
- I am not exercising regularly. I haven't been to the gym in ages. I am running sporadically, and the only reason I am even doing that is I have this half-marathon coming up in less than 3 weeks, and I am not even close to being prepared. 13.1 miles should prove very interesting right around mile 10.
- I sit around all day doing jack crap. I take the kids somewhere daily (library, Disney, etc.), but beyond that, I don't do much. I have no friends or family here. DH has been working insane hours (24 days straight and counting, 80+ hours/week). I have no one to help me or to lean on or to give me a break. Honestly, I hate staying home with the kids. I hate making breakfast and lunch and dinner and snacks. They eat all the freakin' time. I hate cleaning the house. I hate reading books to them. I hate playing play-doh. I hate pretending to eat stuff DD makes in her play kitchen. Can you tell I hate it all?
- I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am applying for jobs. I think I have a decent resume, but no real bites so far. I don't even know what it is I want to do, though. I know what I am qualified for, but beyond that, I couldn't even tell you what I want to be doing in 5 years.
My faking it isn't going really well, though, obviously.
I feel like I need to make the best of this time I have left staying home and having the time to really exercise and do all that. I get all motivated every night and by the next morning, any motivation to do anything is gone once I realize I still have to take care of the kids, feed them, clean, and all that jazz.
So there it is. My giant pity party. My "my head is up my ass" story. I am so sorry that I keep disappearing and reappearing. If I could just get my act together...
I'm so sorry, Amy!!! I've been there before and if you need to talk, please oh please email me. (I'll email you, too!) Big hugs to you!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are putting it out on the table, but sorry things are sucking. You've got a lot going on and totally have the right to have a pity party.
ReplyDeleteUmmmm... I'm not sure if I should be offended? About the having no friends here... or the not clicking with anyone here. Have you fallen out of like with me?
ReplyDeletewhen i read this last night i got really sad....because i consider you a real life friend and not someone i know from a blog and you seem to really be at a low point and as your friend i hear you....i wish i could just go in and make it all better for you. help you find the perfect job, help you find the level of friends you had in ohio, etc. damn T for not getting a job 3 hours south of orlando! lol.
ReplyDeletei think your "confession" list is pretty long and involved. my best advice on that is to find just one thing you feel like you are not doing well and tackle it. getting overwhelmed is not going to accomplish anything.
also, you need to start socializing without the kids -- and T will just need to deal with it. go to meetup.com and look for a book club or wine tasting club or a kayaking club or something to join. between T and your in-laws, parents, etc you will have coverage so you can go out for 3 hours and try something. from there you will find friends. it is what i did FOR THE SAME REASONS two years ago and all the crazy stories i have about friends now come from a group i found. you are like me....we are amazing moms and that is something we worked hard to become BUT we are not at our best when we are "just moms". and this means socializing away from kids....
i will see you saturday. let's plan for noon at the carosuel so if either of us are running late we can distract the kids on the ride...
xoxo....
Sometimes staying home with the kids is not all its cracked up to be. Its hard. Boring. Monotonous. Tiring. All that and more. Do not feel guilty if you don't love every minute. In my opinion, mom alone with kids every day is NOT how it is supposed to be. In most cultures, there are relatives and friends around every day to help out and provide welcome relief from the kids. Western culture glorifies the"mom doing everything for the kids alone" myth. It is not good for anyone IMHO.
ReplyDeleteSo I agree with Shrinking Mommy, you need more kid-less outlets. Get a sitter and make a plan to go out and do something you are interested in, as an adult, every week.
Other than that, make sure this is not real depression. It sort of sounds like it in some ways. Not enjoying life is a big sign.
Hope you feel better. Forget the guilt, that will not help anything. Just figure out where to go from here.
xoxoxxo
I know how you feel Amy. Being the mom of two small people is the hardest job in the world! It sounds cliché but it's SO true! You feel like you can't take a moment to yourself. But, you deserve some "me" time. The ladies above have some great advice. Just work on knowing you're worth it and find a way to get a few hours to yourself.
ReplyDeleteThat sucks. I feel for you on the part where you feel alone and like you don't have anyone close by to lean on. I have never been one to have girlfriends (hahah...I know you are thinking that I do have a GIRLfriend...)but I mean I have never had a group of women that I socialized with or went out with. I am not sure why...but at times in my life I have missed having that.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am not a mamma, but I can only imagine how you feel with only little children surrounding you all the time.
I am in a weird mental state as well lately and I freakin hate it but sometimes, in a moment of rare clarity, I know that I need to be more proactive in changing it...
but then I still dont.
blah
lkjfl(*^*#&+R#KJH$K
There. I just cussed at myself.
Oh Lord. Staying home with toddlers is a nightmare. So at least don't feel badly that you hate it - it's normal to hate it. It gets much easier and more fun when they get older and you can really do stuff with them.
ReplyDeleteMoving somewhere before your kids are in school and/or you have a job makes it really hard to make friends. Can you start a mom's group with other people in your neighborhood? My sister is at home with her newborn and got so crazed she sent out a bunch of flyers and has met some nice people. Maybe not her best friends for life, but at least people she can see on a regular basis and talk with.
Is there a Newcomer's Club in your area? That's also a good way to meet someone who's looking for friends.
I'm sorry, I know the situation is so tough. And don't beat yourself up so much - you're getting a lot done, it's just that there is *so much* to do when you first arrive somewhere. That first year or two is brutal.
Hang in there, it will get better.
My head hurts just reading your post! You are just all over the place. I totally understand you're "not wanting to" eat healthy moment. I get like that every other week. I want chocolate and all the yummy things I shouldn't have and sometimes I just don't give a shit who likes it or not and I eat it! I have found though that now when I eat that way "most" of the time I start feeling bad and icky inside like I am being poisoned. Being healthy can be so damn boring for some reason.
ReplyDeleteUgh, I feel for ya. I hope you get things on track soon! Keep us posted!
*HUGS*
ReplyDeleteNow listen here. You don't suck. And you don't suckity suck suck suck, either. I feel ya on the eating. It's a hard commitment to make and it's impossible 100% of the time. So let yourself have permission to enjoy that other 10%. Life is too short to stess that.
ReplyDeleteExercise could be good me time - but creating a time and place for me time needs to get on your priority list - like a lot of other commenters said. If you feel better about you and your time, a lot of those hates might be more manageable - and I certainly feel ya on those hates!
Being a mom isn't easy but being a mom with no family close by and only a few friends whom you don't want to ask for help because they are generally new friends is danged tough. Get a sitter and foster some of those friendships.
Lots of advice and lots of do this and do that - but all of it is to say, I get it and I feel ya. It's tough and I am glad you got it out there. I hope you get some relief somewhere soon!
In the meantime...
((((HUGS))))
Baby girl - you do not suck...you are human! MY GOD - isn't being a parent hard? I loathe those mothers who sing and take joy in tasks like making lunch. I SUCK at being a SAHM. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I think Stef sent you an email about joining our committee...maybe that'll spark up your life a bit...we'd love to have you!
ReplyDeletewhoa whoa whoa. This makes me sad! Your blog has helped me so much through my own band journey!!! Do NOT beat yourself up. I was home without a job for about a month - granted I do not have children - but I can totally relate to what you said about your to do list. Guilty! I can also relate to not exercising even though you have all the time you need to do it. Honestly, what helped me was creating a semblance of a routine. I identified what it was in my day that got me motivated and moving - for me it was my daily trip to Starbucks (I live in NYC so it was about a block and a half walk). I decided I would go to Starbucks every day before 1pm and get a green tea for a caffeine kick. I picked 1pm because I laid in bed all morning and went out when the sun was the highest/warmest. Then, when I got my green tea I would make myself sit in the Starbucks for at least 10 minutes at a table and read or write something - anything. Low and behold, by the time I was through those ten minutes I had a little caffeine boost, some air in my lungs, some sun on my face and a bit more motivation. Most days that helped me get up and moving although some days I still ended up back at home in my pjs. Just keep your chin up :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, one thing that helps me sometime with my fiance which I think could translate to your kids is the way that I do NOT want him to struggle with his weight in the way that I do/have so I am always trying to behave the way I want him to behave in order to not get fat whenever he is around. For example, I want him to lose some weight and get in good shape. We both have bikes, I have found that if I suggest we go for a bike ride he will and therefore he is exercising, but if I don't suggest it - he won't. I may not want to go on a bike ride but I need to in able to have him reach his goals (or the goals I have in my mind for him!!!) Or, if I eat crap, he eats crap so that helps me eat better to make him eat better - not for me but for him. I would think with your kids you would want them to see you eating healthy and normally on a regular basis so that they have that example - and being active with them will teach them to be active on a regular basis.
Keep your chin up - it is hard but you can do it!!!
If you ever had any doubts and are feeling down...just read above! All well said my friend!
ReplyDeleteI am totally vibing with you right now. Life's a bummer sometimes. I've been down too. I'm going in Mon to see if I'm clinically depressed or not. I hope YOU feel better too!
ReplyDelete