Amazingly good at being amazingly bad

I'm still contemplating the "Secret and Other Destructive Eating Habits" question. And I have come to realize I was either really, really GOOD or really, really, really BAD. There was rarely an in-between for me. I could undo a few months of GOOD in a few days or weeks of BAD. I am amazingly good at being amazingly BAD.

For example, while being BAD, I'd have a craving for something healthy, like a chicken salad. But instead of eating a grilled chicken salad with a light dressing, like I wanted to, I'd opt for chicken strips and fries. Because I was being BAD. I only ate salads when being GOOD. Therefore, I had to choose the BAD option. And hell, I don't even really like fries.

Another example is butter on veggies. I don't even care for butter on veggies. But in a BAD phase, I'd butter the heck out of our veggies. Why? Oh, yeah, because I'm BAD, and BAD = butter + veggies. Michael Jackson wrote BAD just for me.

I'd eat a bedtime snack, even if I wasn't hungry. Because I was in a BAD phase. A giant bowl of ice cream. Or a vat of buttered popcorn. Those are BAD snacks in Amy's World. And it doesn't matter if you want it or not. If you are BAD, you eat it. Because that's what you do when you are BAD.

I've always known this was a big problem for me, but I never could conscientiously overcome it. Maybe because I was always anticipating the next GOOD phase? Knowing I'd have to give all these things up, and so regardless of whether I wanted them or not, I felt like I had to eat them so I wouldn't miss them as much when I was being GOOD. Funny thing is I still missed them, whether or not I had eaten them recently.

So, as you can imagine, I rarely just maintained my weight. I have been gaining or losing since my senior year of high school. Lots more gaining than losing going on. My shot up the weight charts looks like a giant bolt of lightening.

My goal is to work through this and come out not feeling like foods are GOOD or BAD. To work towards a middle ground where food is neutral. Is that possible?

36 lbs gone and other babbles - and an NSV ALERT!

WOOHOO! I lost 5 lbs this week, bringing my total to an even, very cool, 18%-of-the-way-to-my-goal 36 lbs gone. I am beyond thrilled with that!

And I'm even more thrilled to be on soft meats starting today. I had 5 ham-and-cheese roll-ups for breakfast. They were super tasty, and boy, was it nice to sink my teeth into something other than what they serve at nursing homes.

My %&#$@*&%) period is STILL hanging around. Seriously. That blows. I know it's normal to be long and heavy when it's your first post-partum one, but I would like it to go away. Today, if possible.

I also still have a sore throat and a certain two-year old who will not sleep in her own bed. Or even in my bed without me. Ugh. It's time to pull out the mean parent cards and force her in her own bed, but I just don't have the energy. Maybe this weekend. I'm a-draggin'.

Two other things I wanted to mention:

*I hate, hate, hate not being able to drink while eating. I hate the dry, sticky feeling in my mouth. I hate the way the food feels like it sticks on its way down. I hate the lingering taste of the last bite before the next bite. I just hate it all. If you were a big drinker-while-eating, when did this get better for you?

*The Other Amy had a great post earlier this week about food habits/eating secrets that brought you to your highest weight. I certainly had my share.

I almost always, always overate at meals. I always had/have this feeling that I'm going to get hungry before my next meal, and of course, being hungry sucks, so I would do everything I could to avoid being hungry at all during the day. I have never been a big snacker, which probably attributed to this problem. I'd eat to stuffed, get hungry, and eat until stuffed again. Nice cycle, huh? I will say that pre-op + post-op diets have already started teaching me that hungry won't kill me, and I will survive until my next meal.

I also have a bad, bad case of 'all-or-nothing-itis' - in that, I am either on a diet or OFF a diet. Obviously more off than on. But I would be soooo good, so virtuous and stick to a diet perfectly for 2 weeks, 1 month, 2 months, etc. And then when I went off, boy, did I go off. I would eat everything I'd denied myself while dieting plus some. And I'd gain all my weight back plus a few friends. Rinse. Repeat. Talk about yo-yo dieting. I take the crown.

I can't say that I had a huge addiction to any one particular food or food group. I rarely drank regular pop. I did eat my share of fast food, but it was nothing outrageous, at least not outrageous enough to justify 374 lbs. I do love chocolate, but I rarely kept it in the house, so it was only occasional binges. I really do attribute my weight to the bad yo-yo dieting cycle and general overeating at every meal. Large meals at every meal + occasional binges = FAT.

This is why I am so excited about my band. Knowing that I'm not really a snacker and my general problem is overeating at meals, I really hope that my new behaviors + the band will make me successful. I have very high hopes, and since I'm determined to be successful, I have no doubt I will be!

PS - BEEP BEEP! NSV ALERT! NSV ALERT! BEEP BEEP! I went shopping today for snacks for our company's holiday party, which is tomorrow. I was so weirdly detached from what I was doing and had a hard time picking out things to buy. I stood in the chip aisle for like 5 minutes and couldn't decide what to get. Nothing was ringing my bell, when I suddenly realized, I didn't care, since I wouldn't be eating these foods. What an NSV! In the past, I would have been jumping for joy to get to do the shopping so I could pick out what *I* wanted to eat. This year, eh. YEAH!

A bad case of the Mondays

I have a sore throat, DD still isn't sleeping well which means I'm not sleeping well, my stupid period is STILL hanging around (to be fair, it was my first post-partum one, so understable, but still annoying), and the weather is yucko.

How's that for a case of the Mondays?

However, I'm going to concentrate on the good news. I'm almost done with mushies (tomorrow is the last day), and I peeked at the scale today, and it was back to exactly where it was two weeks ago. WOOHOO! That means there's a chance I'll be back into losing mode by my official weigh-in on Wednesday. That sure would make me happy.

I made an executive decision to stop tracking calories & protein grams a few days ago. And ironically, that's when the scale started to go back down. I have no idea if it is a coincidence or not, but I was making myself WHACKY with entering and counting and tracking and thinking and planning. It was feeling very much like a DIET. And since that word is no longer in my vocabulary, I had to take a step back.

Since I am comfortable hitting 70 grams of protein each day without much effort, I figured the rest of it will take care of itself. I am following the bandster rules (which I really hate not eating and drinking together, but we'll discuss that later) and eating to not-hungry, not to full, and I have to trust that the rest will happpen.

I did this so I don't have to track and count and plot and plan everything that enters my mouth, and I realized very quickly, I was already headed towards obsessive behavior, and I wanted it stopped NOW. And to reiterate, the weight started coming off again as soon as I did that. Hmmmm, I am starting to think it's not a coincidence!

Holy Inches, Batman!

Rock on!

Took my measurements last night. For the record, I am measuring my neck, biceps, bust, waist, lower belly, hips, thighs, knees, and calves. Yes, I have fat knees. :)

I have lost 34.5" already!

This is probably more exciting than the weight lost at this point.

TGIF

It's Friday. Thank goodness. I have been so unfocused at work this week. We've been having troubles with DD sleeping in her own bed. I'm not really anti-co-sleeping in theory, but in reality, I cannot sleep with ten little toes digging in my side. So part of my unfocus-ness is due to lack of sleep, but a large part is just due to my obsession with my band. I'm sure that will lessen eventually.

We don't have much planned for the weekend, for which I am thankful. I do a bit of consulting on the side, so I have a meeting with a client tomorrow, but I think that's the only thing on the agenda. If it were nicer, we'd go see the holiday lights at the zoo, but it's supposed to be pretty cold, and I don't feel like dragging the kids out in it. Yes, I'm lazy.

Today is officially 1 month since I started pre-op, so I'll be taking my measurements tonight. I KNOW I've lost quite a few inches, and I'm anxious to see the new numbers. I guess I'll also take pics. I'll post both later tonight.

And for those who read the 700-calorie breakfast, you'll be happy to know I packed a much more reasonable breakfast today. (Oh, and I only hit 1700 calories yesterday, so I managed the rest of the day pretty well.) Here's my breakfast, which has about 275 calories and is VERY filling (I used to eat it when I was doing Weight Watcher's Core program a lot.)

Cream of Wheat Pudding
(18 grams of protein)

3 Tbsp Cream Of Wheat
1 cup skim milk
1 egg
1 packet Splenda or 2 T. of sf pudding mix (the dry stuff, not made!)
1 tsp vanilla extract

1. Spray small saucepan with cooking spray, add milk and heat until just about boiling. Be careful as it will burn and stick to the bottom of the pan.
2. Add cream of wheat and stir with a whisk for about 2 minutes.
3. In a small separate bowl combine egg, vanilla, and splenda.
4. Stirring rapidly to avoid "scrambled egg effect," add the egg mixture to the cream of wheat and cook for 1 minute longer or until thickened to your liking, and long enough for the egg to cook.

You can also just do this in the microwave, which is my preferred method. I cook the cream of wheat, add the egg, and then stick in the fridge. The next morning, I heat it up, which finishes cooking the egg.

700 calorie breakfast!

Guess I was hungry! I made egg salad with about 4 eggs (I say about, as DD was eating some of it as I was making it) and 2 T. of mayo last night. I intended to eat part for breakfast and have part of it if I needed it late morning or mid-afternoon. Instead, I just devoured the entire thing PLUS a piece of string cheese. Now, I did eat it slowly (at least slowly for a starving woman) and in small bites, but in no way am I overfull. In fact, my belly is still growling an hour later.

Apparently, I was hungry.

And since this process is not about torture, I'm okay with a 700 calorie breakfast. I obviously won't make a habit of it, but I think I need to respond to my what my body is asking for, unless it involves chocolate ice cream. :)

So, moving on and aiming for a bit lower calorie lunch.

We did go to the Y last night, despite the crazy winds that threatened to blow DD right over. I walked about 1.4 miles in 35 min on the treadmill. It felt good to just get out and do something. Our Y is brand new and has amazing machines. Each treadmill and elliptical has its own TV, which I find so cool. Here's the funny part - I was channel surfing and looking for MTV, and they had it blocked. BUT they didn't block VH1 or BET, both of which have shows that are just as objectionable (hello, Real Chance of Love!) as MTV's shows. I watched Wheel of Fortune instead and beat all those contestants in my head! I actually am really good at that show, and DH keeps threatening to sign me up online to be on it. Once I lose 100 lbs, I might actually consider it.

I guess I don't have anything else to bore you with today. So until something exciting happens...

Food, glorious food!

Mushies. I've never been so happy to eat grits and an egg in my entire life. However, I don't have a bit of restriction, so boo-hoo. But that's OK. I will survive until my first fill (four more weeks), especially knowing my surgeon is aggressive with his fills (or so he claims - I hope my aggressive is the same as his aggressive.)

I gained 4.2 lbs this week on full liquids. I'm okay with it. I'm still down 31 lbs in 4 weeks. Not too shabby. I think it's a combo of the trauma of surgery and low calories (I averaged less than 1,000 calories daily last week.) Even though I realize this week is still about healing, I'm going to aim to average 1,500 calories daily and see if that helps things a bit. At well over 300 lbs, I don't think my body likes too low of calories. 1,500 shouldn't be too hard to hit with CHEESE on the approved list of foods. I'm gonna be gnawing on some cheese - perhaps even that trophy of cheese that Heidi gave me! :)

But here's the strange thing. I rarely get headaches. And I have a giant one today! The first food I've had in a month, and I want to cry from this stupid headache.

Even stranger, I just called DH and asked him if he wanted to go to the Y tonight. WHAT?!?!?! I actually do like exercise, so this isn't really that odd, BUT I haven't liked it lately, because it's hard to enjoy purposely hoisting around 375 lbs of flab. Now that I'm not utterly exhausted at the end of each day, I have a bit more energy, and a stroll on the treadmill or elliptical actually sounded appealing.

Now I know for sure that 28 days of liquids affected my brain!