Monday, September 26

It's happening to me, too.

I remember reading some blogs about people who were much further along in the band process than I was, and I would read their blogs and I would honestly think to myself, "Yep, she's full of shit. Totally lying."

And now, yep, it's happening to me, too. And I swear, I'm not full of shit!

I have NO idea what size I really am. I am not really content with my body where it's at. And I feel like I am in the twilight zone.

Now, let me preface this by saying that I AM happy where I am. I mean, I'd be a fool not to be happy at having lost 180 lbs. And you know, I do wear my floppy, saggy, baggy, elephant skin with a bit of pride.

However, there is that part of my brain that has been damaged by being fat for so long that is just not on board with the rest of my brain.

Problemo Numero Uno: I don't know what size I am.

I am not really in plus sizes any more. I am pretty solidly in size 16 on the bottom (some 18s) and L or XL on top. However, regular 16s are cut so differently than 16W. And I have a nice saggy belly now that regular 16s don't always accommodate. Some do. Some don't. I'm not used to that. Pants have always been too big in my waist to make up for my thunder thighs and booty. AND my boobs are shrinking. I'm not really complaining, but I do kinda miss the girls sometimes. I'm still filling out my DDDs, so I must have been much bigger than that previously. I look around, and I see other women's bodies, and I wonder if I look like them. I really have no concept of what I look like. I should take some pics I do realize. Sometimes I feel like I still have sooooo far to go. And other days, I feel like I am almost there. And that kind of leads to my second point...

Problemo Numero Zwei: I am not really content with my body.

I am saggy. Very, very saggy. Part of it is my fault for not working out as much as I should have. But a large part of it is just due to being so heavy for so long. In a sick twisted way, I sometimes miss my round, full belly. It may have been big, but it was soft in a Renaissance painting kind of way. Is that totally twisted? Now my belly looks like it has cross hatch marks on it. Don't believe me? Ask Stephanie - I showed her. And she didn't disagree. You know when someone kind of nods along with you that it's as bad as you think. Because it is. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad she didn't lie to me - Stephanie wouldn't! - but it confirms that it's not the most attractive look in the whole world.

And my thighs. They're horrific. If I have enough wine some night, I'll take pics and post. It's as bad as you can possibly imagine.


I have 3 lbs to lose until my first goal (190 lbs), 13 lbs to my second goal (180 lbs) and 20 lbs to my aspirational goal (173 lbs and a BMI of 24.9). I can't even begin to imagine 3 or 13 or 20 lbs is going to solve these issues. Because they aren't. These issues are mainly in my head and in my inability to redefine myself as a "thin" or at least "thinner" person.

I think part of it is I see myself now as I thought I looked at 374 lbs. Does that make any sense?

It is just going to take time. And acceptance. The bottom line is I am NORMAL now. I wear a 16. Not generous 16s like I tell myself. Not select 16s like I sometimes tell myself. The other bottom line is I did a lot of permanent damage to my body. I am never going to have a bikini body.  But you know what? Bikini bodies are a dime a dozen. Bodies that have the history of significant weight loss are not. And I am going to strut this for-real-16-with-lots-of-saggy-skin body with pride, and that small part of my brain that is totally fucked up? It's just going to have to get over itself!

One last thing, I have shared my blog with a real-life friend for the first time. HI, D! She's in the process of going through her lap-band classes and hopes to have her surgery before the end of the year. How about a few shout-outs to her to start a blog?! Work your magic, BOOBS!

Tuesday, September 20

I can feel the love!

I really felt loved yesterday with all the supportive comments, so thank you!

I weigh less than my DL says I do!

My weight starts with a 1!

It's surreal.

I'm working really hard to get some house projects done this week, then a dear friend is in town next week, and finally the following week, I am going to get back to working out.

I've got my morning and afternoon routines down, I'm getting my regular work hours in, and I am finally just about ready to get serious about working out.

I'm going to try a gym in the area. It's the only one with childcare, so it's my only option. I would love to not join a gym, but I am not sure if that is feasible with two toddlers that don't nap, two toddlers who hate being in the stroller for more than 2.2 seconds, and a husband who works 10+ hours/day. We'll see - I've debated trying videos again when the kids are home, or going running right when the husband walks in the door. But these aren't really ideal. I have a friend who works out 3-4 days/week at the gym at 4 pm, which would actually be ideal for me. So, we'll see. The bottom line is I need to do whatever is going to work for me long-term.

I need to exercise. I need to exercise. I need to exercise.

There. I said it publicly, so now I must do it!

Sunday, September 11

Some of my favorite things...

....start with S!


We spent the day together yesterday shopping and chatting. Seriously, we were tripping all over each other to talk. Now, this is not the first time we've been together, and so we'd already chatted. But honestly, I think yesterday we both realized how much we have in common - and that we are kindred spirits. At least I think so!


We hit Florida Mall and did some damage. I introduced her to the joys of MAC makeup. She introduced me to the loveliness that is The Limited tops. I did refrain from spending any money there, but I just have to say I almost bought a M top! M! M! M! I did end up with a pair of $9 capris from Macy's and a really cute $7 skirt from Dillard's. Did I mention the skirt is a 14? Um, yeah, Stephanie may have had to help me zip it, but it fits, dammit!

Oh, and if you visit Stephanie's blog, will you please remind her I was RIGHT and she needs M tops? Thank you! (wink, wink - that girl is tiny and kept grabbing L tops. I set her right, for the most part!)


We then hit our favorite restaurant, Roy's. If you have never been, you should go. Now. We split three apps. I have to say, we both saw the food arrive, and since we were both hungry, we admitted that we didn't think it would be enough. 20 min later, she was packing up half of it to take home to her husband. Yes, old habits die hard. But we laughed and talked and ate and drank, and Stephanie flirted with the guy next to her. It was so much fun!


Between the two of us, we have lost more than 300 lbs! Isn't that insane?! 300 lbs! Thank you, lapband, for making us skinny. And friends.

Friday, September 9

Help me comment, please!

I know many of you have been through this. I cannot comment on other blogs. When I try to do so from my Google account, it tells me I don't have permission. Any ideas? I want to comment!!!

Wednesday, September 7

Approaching the motherland (with pics!)

I hear the motherland calling...I weighed 201.4 lbs this morning! I cannot believe I am almost below 200. I want to find a scale where you have to slide the little thingie over to where you think you might fall. You know the ones I am talking about, right? The ones fat girls dread, because the little slider has to go further and further to the right. Yeah, well, I want to weigh on one of those, so I can keep that sucker at 150 instead of 350!

We went to the Jersey Shore for my cousin's wedding this weekend. It was tons of fun - boardwalk, beach, wedding, food, family, friends, fun. I got to see the Jersey Shore house! It was the highlight of my weekend. Actually, the highlight of my weekend was feeling normal. Although my family is workout nuts (one cousin has done two ironmans, aunt and uncle run marathons, other cousin is a physical therapist, other cousin runs marathons around the world - literally), I still didn't feel overly conscious of myself. It was wonderful!

A few pics of our weekend...