Friday, April 30


1. What’s your favorite smell?
The ocean.

2. What is your all-time favorite movie and why?
Just one? Draz is so mean! LOL Ok, I am going to pick "The Princess Bride." Mawwwiage, mawwiage is what bwings us togever today...

3. What’s your trigger food?
Chocolate or really fatty fast food. I swear, it's like a drug to me. Sigh.

4. When someone you love is going through a difficult time – what are your go-to words to make them feel better – in just a sentence or two?
I feel like I don't know what to say, but I am the go-to for my friends when things are rough, so I guess I do OK with it. I typically say, "You don't deserve this. How can I help?"

5. This one is always the same. Who is your nominee for the blog of the week for YOU? Which blog OR comment touched your heart, spoke to you, stuck with you all week?
Joey's 100 lb loss vlog celebration ROCKED MY WORLD! I have a secret crush on her - just don't let her know, OK? ;)

I feel like a teenager

No, my face isn't breaking out.

And I'm not infatuated with the boy that sits next to me in American History.

Nor am I researching college options.

I WEIGH 319.8 lbs! FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY - I broke into the teens!

It's kinda fun being a teenager again. :)

Thursday, April 29

Food anxiety and the disappearing act

As I whined about previously, I had two banquets to attend this week for work. In my pre-band life, these made me very anxious. Would I get enough to eat? Would I be hungry throughout the evening? Would people think I was a pig if I heaped my plate full? What fast food would be open on my way home in case I was hungry? How many desserts could I eat before someone started counting them? These thoughts came fast and furious. And they rarely stopped long enough for me to even concentrate on whatever banquet/conference/meeting I was attending.

This week, however, my attitude at the banquets felt different. I took what I wanted, ate what I wanted, and put my fork down. The end.

Ok, not really the end, as I wasn't full per se, but I wasn't starving either. The best part, though, was the lack of anxiety over the food at the event. It's JUST banquet food. Why oh why did I ever let it make me anxious? I mean, who even likes banquet food anyhow? It's all the same - some saucy chicken, some butter-drowned-over-cooked veggie, and some dry starch. It's nothing to get excited over and certainly nothing to get anxious over!

I think part of what also played into the disappearance of the anxiety is the fact that I have discovered that hunger does not indeed kill you. It really doesn't! The band has dimmed my hunger enough that I can manage through it. I certainly am hoping next Wed's fill dims it a whole lot more, but I am learning (and managing it as well) how to deal with hunger more effectively. There is ALWAYS food available to me. I don't need to be anxious about it's availability or lack thereof. If I want something, I can have it. Maybe this is also tied into my non-dieting. Since nothing is really off limits, it doesn't call to me like it used to.

Whoa, I just reread what I wrote, and I guess I really am coming around mentally. Maybe they did band my brain after all!

Wednesday, April 28

My anaconda don't want none...

...unless you got buns, hon!

And oh, do I have the buns. I still have the buns. I'll always have the buns. But I'm ok with the buns. Anyhow...

I present to you my five-month measurements!

Neck -1"
Bust -4.5"
Waist -5.5"
Lower Belly -7"
Hips -5.5"
Left Arm -.5"
Right Arm -1.5"
Left Thigh -5"
Right Thigh -5.5"
Left Knee -3.5"
Right Knee -6.5"
Left Calf -.5"
Right Calf -3.75"

For a grand total of 50.25" gone... gone... gone... gone!

Opened that can of WHOOP A$$!

Oh yeah! Don't mess with me!

The PA finally called me back and was less than gracious, which just set me off. Bad move on her part.

Good news is I have a fill next Wed, only one day later than it was supposed to be. (They opened more slots since people were up in arms (who me????) about the lack of available appointments. There are 4 surgeons in the office that do fills, but they work in teams and you can only see your team. My team was supposedly out until the 25th, but magically, they are now in the office next Wed. Pure magic, I tell ya! Must have been eating some Lucky Charms or something.)

Bad news is she was less than helpful with my whole "Where is my sweet spot, and why am I still hungry all the time" issues. She did suggest I call the nutritionist and talk to her.

Now, I have never met with the nutritionist. She is supposed to come see you after surgery, some time before you leave the hospital. She never came to see me. Now, in all fairness, my surgery was the day before Thanksgiving, and I was released on Thanksgiving. So I kind of understand. But whatev - she could have at least called me or something.

So, I call her number, and the answering machine picks up. And I shit you not, I almost drove off the road. This squeaky, 120-year old, chain smoking for years, shriveled up shrew of a voice came over my phone. I'm probably not being fair, but I can't help it - she seriously sounded like a character out of a movie. You know the one - the little old lady with the horribly tan, wrinkled skin and orangey-dyed hair who is about 4'10" and weighs 90 lbs soaking wet who never eats because she is constantly smoking and sipping on some type of cocktail. Yeah, that's what I keep envisioning.

I did leave a message. We'll see. I'm skeptical, in case you couldn't tell.

In other news, I worked 29 hours in the past two days. I am TIRED! Two more days to make it through and then a 3-day weekend. Although DH won't be home this weekend, so it'll be me and the kids.

Finally, today is weigh in day, and I was down 1.6 lbs this week, bringing my grand total to 54 lbs! YEAH ME! I think I need to eat a bit more to keep my metabolism moving, so that is my focus today. I never, ever in a million years thought I'd be trying to eat more, but I think I need to. My estimated calories are around 1200, and since I still weigh over 300 lbs, I should be a bit higher, I think. If anyone has any input on this front, I'm all ears. In fact, let me share what I ate yesterday:

B: Muscle Milk Light (180 cal, I think)
L: 3/4 oz cheese (90 cal), 2/3 of a nachos supreme from Taco Bell (after I said I didn't crave fast food - 300 cal)
D: 1/4 chicken breast from chicken piccata, 2 roasted potato quarters, 1/4 c. green beans, rosette of frosting off a piece of cake (guesstimate - 400 cal)
100 oz. water.
S: (I was starving when I got home at 9:30) homemade hot cocoa (175 cal)
Total: 1145 calories approx.

I can't eat much more than that at a meal, so if I am going to eat more calories, I need to have some snacks. At least, that's what I am thinking. But please, do share your thoughts!

Anyhoooooo, later my loverlies!

Tuesday, April 27


(Is that punctuated correctly?)

Surgeon's office called. Surgeon is out next Tuesday, when I have my fill scheduled. Next available appointment is May 25.


I called and left the PA another message. This is seriously unacceptable. Completely unacceptable. Anyone use Fill Centers USA? I am seriously considering it at this point.

Learning to live with the band

First, thanks for all the kind comments on my progress pictures! My head is a bit swollen from all the comments. And yes, I did take before measurements, and I will take another set in a day or two when I have a free moment.

What I want to discuss today is this whole learning to live with the band business. Boy oh boy, this is a bit tougher than I imagined it would be. Here's some of the random babbles rumbling around in my head:
  • I did NOT think I was an emotional eater until I was stressed one day and realized I couldn't even eat to relieve the stress. What a wake-up call that was! It sucks, to be to totally honest, but I am working through it.
  • I have not yet learned that I truly get full after a small amount of food. I ordered a bowl of soup and an appetizer when we went out for brunch the other day. I never even touched the appetizer; I couldn't after eating the soup. I get SOOOOOOOO hungry that I can't fathom that I will get full after a small amount, and then I do, and then I waste food, which means wasting money, which drives me insane.
  • My band VERY CLEARLY tells me when to stop, but I don't like to listen. I am working on listening, because I hate that uncomfortable feeling even more than I hate stopping eating before I want to.
  • Figuring out your sweet spot ain't so sweet. I still haven't decided if I need a fill next week or not. Hopefully the PA will call today so I don't have to break out a can of whoop ass on her for not returning my call for an entire week.
  • All the 'diet' rules I lived by for sooooo long are out the window. Out is dry salad and dry veggies and plain lean protein. In is protein with sauce (preferably with some type of fat in it), veggies with a light sauce on them, and fat/cal dense foods. I ate at a banquet last night - I had some green bean casserole and a piece of lightly floured and fried chicken with a gravy-ish sauce on it (I think it might have been chicken piccata, or their version thereof). I even added a bit of butter to help it go down OK and to ensure I got enough calories and hunger-satisfying fat. It's playing games with my mind to be focused on getting ENOUGH calories rather than limiting my calories.
  • I am not craving junk like I thought I would be, so that's a good thing. I do still love chocolate, but even ice cream can be a bit rough going down, so it's almost not even worth the struggle. I fantasize about getting fast food, and then I realize that A. It probably won't go down anyhow, and B. There's nothing I really want.
  • I really do not snack. I guess I really never was a snacker, shockingly enough. I was, and still try to be, a big meal eater. I am working on adding a snack or two here and there to keep my hunger from rearing its ugly head like a monster when I least expect it.

So, there you have it. I am definitely a work in progress with this whole thing! Five months in, and it is v-e-r-y slowly becoming a way of life. VERY slowly. DH and I hit Panera before he left town yesterday, and I managed to ONLY order a bowl of soup. One small victory for me! I've only one other time managed to not over-order while eating out.

I was sure I'd have perfect restriction by now, and have this whole thing down with no problems! Patience never was my strong suit.

Monday, April 26

53 lbs down progress PICTURES

53 lbs down in 5 months...I present to you the newer, skinnier MEEEEEEEEE!

Same sweater and pants, just different colors...

(Whooooaaaaa, look at that shelf butt in the before!)

Going to be MIA

I have my two big work meetings today and tomorrow, so I am going to be scarce! I have to work until midnightish tonight and 10ish tomorrow night. Lucky me!

DH leaves on his one-way ticket to Orlando today. Wish me luck being a solo-mom (I know lots of you do it, and I don't know how, although two kids under 2 is a challenge for anyone, I would guess, super mom or not!). We have no idea when he'll be coming home.

My 5-month bandiversary was yesterday. I'll post comparison pics in the next day or two (when I have a chance) - in 5 months, I've lost 53ish lbs. Incredible, if I do say so myself.

My restriction is still all wonky. I can't eat much, and I do feel full, just not relief-from-hunger full. Not freaking out, but sure would like to get some relief from hunger. I tried to call the PA back on Friday, but her mailbox was full, so she was either really busy or out of town last week. I'll give her another day and try again.

OK, gotta jet! Later, my loverlies!

Friday, April 23

Do you know who rocks?


She talked me down from the ledge. And did it so sweetly and so encouragingly and even convinced me I'm not broken!

As she said in the comments on my last post, her official diagnosis is that I am still making up for lost time (while I was too tight for 10ish days) coupled with TOM and multiplied by a slight flare up of acid reflux. She suggested whole proteins, milk, and a little patience as the cure.

I have to tell you guys - she is as sweet on the phone as she is on her blog. And even though everyone tried to tell me in writing that it'd work, hearing her actually say it over the phone was a whole other level of reassurance. Although then she went on to tell me she had to convince herself to eat lunch today. WHAT? I still like her, though.

In fact, Draz might have some competition for the BFF position. Hee hee - just teasing, although seriously, Jen, thank you so much! My faith in the band (and myself!) has been renewed, thanks to you.

Too tight? Too loose? Too crazy?

I seriously have no idea what to think about my restriction and hunger and all that jazz.

Quick recap - 11cc in 14cc band. Last fill of 1cc was too tight for 10 days (liquids only) and now I can eat, but still have no relief from hunger.

Here's what I ate yesterday:

B: fruit n yogurt parfait from McD's
S: throughout the AM - small iced coffee and 48 oz. water
L: 3 steak-ums with peppers and onions (almost exactly 1 c. of food)
S: 10 cashews, 2 pieces of cheese
D: 3 med. chicken fingers
S: homemade hot cocoa (whole milk, cocoa, sugar, vanilla)

Another 50 oz. of water throughout the day.

I have to take my time while eating, but I never feel full. I am constantly thinking about food - not like, "Mmmm, that sounds good" but like "My tummy is growling and my mouth is watering, and my tummy feels empty." I feel physically full when I eat, like I can't fit another bite in, but it doesn't relieve my hunger, if that makes any sense. I don't feel satisfied-full and I spend most of the day feeling hungry.

I am so frustrated at this point. Part of me still thinks I need a bit more of a fill, the other part thinks that I am broken and the lap-band isn't going to work for me! My mom suggested maybe it's acid reflux/heartburn that I am misinterpreting as hunger, so I took some Prevacid this morning and will continue to do so for a few days to see if that helps. I just don't know...

I have a fill scheduled for 1.5 weeks from now (just to get on the books if I do need it), and I'm about to call the PA again and ask her opinion, but would love, love, love some input. Honestly, if a veteran bandster is willing to talk me through this on the phone, I'd be soooo grateful, especially if you've felt this way before! I am ready to lose my mind!


For real! I need Friday. I love Friday.

Hubbers comes home tonight!

Only working a half day. The upside to sitter issues - darn, I have to leave at noon!

The weather is awesome!

My hair looks aaaaaaaaa-doooooooooooooooor-able!

I am wearing another one of Jen's shirts, and I look freakin' cute!

OK, that's all for now. More later, as I need to complain about restriction, hunger, and all that jazz!

Wednesday, April 21

A quick thanks

I just wanted to say thanks for all the supportive comments. It was a long, tough day. But I survived it and things are looking up. I had a good talking to with myself and said, "Self, you and your family are healthy and wealthy in all the ways that matter. This is all temporary. Be thankful and quit whining. A little positivity goes a long way."

OK, what I really said to myself was, "Self, quit yer bitchin'."

Tomorrow is a new day. The PA has not called me back yet, so I will just go ahead and make an appointment for a fill. I'll show her!

Thanks again - you big BOOBS just rock!

Thread-bare thread

I am hanging on by a thread, and it's feeling pretty thread-bare. About to snap. About to break.

WARNING: Major pity party, poutfest, whineapalooza, sighville below. Proceed at your own risk.

*I have basically no restriction. How in the hell is that possible after being so tight I couldn't eat anything but liquids for 10 days? I even posted about it on LBT, because I am (irrationally) starting to think the lap-band isn't going to work for me. I have a call into my PA, but she hasn't called me back yet. 11cc in a 14cc band, too tight for 10 days, and then BOOM, nada. Sigh.

*DH has to work Friday. Our sitter doesn't watch kids on Fridays. I have to work Friday as well. Those three things don't go together very well. Sigh.

*DH is supposed to come home on Thursdays, but since he has to work Friday, he can't come home tomorrow. And it's his birthday. Sigh.

*DH is being sent to Orlando next week to cover their store as store manager while the current store manager is out on medical leave. He is leaving Tuesday on a one-way ticket. Sigh.

*DH has no idea when he'll be back. Hence the one-way ticket. Sigh.

*I love my kids, but I do not enjoy being solely responsible for them. Sigh.

*I have no one to watch the kids on every Friday going forward, assuming DH is in Orlando. Sigh.

*I have to work next Monday and Tuesday evenings. HAVE TO. As of right now, I have no one to watch the kids (my mom is trying to get back in time to watch them, but she is stuck in the UP of MI trying to get her dad settled in a nursing home, and it's not going well). Sigh.

*My period started today. Sigh.

*I am up 1.4 lbs from my lowest. Sigh.

*I have a ton of work to do and don't want to. Sigh.

Tuesday, April 20

Terrific Tuesday

I woke up feeling pretty damn good today. And I felt even better when I looked in the mirror. I was standing there with just my bra and pants on, and I actually thought I looked *thin*. It was wonderful! Now granted, I could only see the top half of me, which is definitely my better half, but it looked fine. Imagine how it'll be 50 or even 100 lbs from now!

I skipped right down the front porch steps after dropping the kids off at daycare and thought to myself, "I have a bit of spring in my step."

I got to work and felt jaunty.

I think my ego is increasing at a rate that is exponentially tied to how much I lose. Not such a bad thing after all.

On the restriction front, I'm still not feeling full after meals or for more than 2 hours. I am going to call the PA today. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I had a cup of chicken salad last night and nothing. It takes me a while to eat it, but it doesn't stick with me. I know it's a slider for some, but I was SOOO tight, I thought for sure it wouldn't be a slider for me. I am going to run to a local market for lunch and get a solid protein and see how that goes. I really didn't think it would be this hard to figure out restriction. I still vacillate between feeling I'm too tight or too loose. How's that for confusion?

And here's a picture of me being a good girl this morning - my water bottle which is almost empty and my coffee which will be attacked after the water is gone:

Monday, April 19

A bit of a milestone and approaching Twonesia

I weighed in this morning and was 322.0. This is a milestone for me!

In July 2006, I joined Weight Watchers for the last time. (HAHAHAHAHA - I so wish it were really the last time, but I swore it would be.) Anyhow, I weighed in at a whoppin' 322.6 lbs. I was M-O-R-T-I-F-I-E-D. Horrified that I'd gone over the 300 lb mark. Broke down on the scale. That day, I swore I'd never weigh over 300 lbs again.

Over the following eight months, I lost 59.8 lbs following Weight Watchers' Core plan. It was the first 'diet' that wasn't horrible to live by. Don't get me wrong, I struggled a lot, but it was doable. I also worked out A LOT. That's when I started spinning, I was running - I was at the gym 5 or 6 days every week, faithfully. I got down to 262.8 lbs before I got pregnant with DD in March 2007.

I immediately fell off the bandwagon and gained something like 60 lbs while pregnant with her. 10 months later, I was pregnant again with DS. Fortunately, I only gained about 12 lbs while pregnant with him, but since I'd never lost the weight I gained while pregnant with her, I wasn't exactly happy with where I ended up. And then I managed to gain more weight after he was born.

Anyhow, I am now lower than I was that fateful day almost 4 years ago. My life is also completely different. I have two young kids, so an hour or two at the gym every day is just not feasible. But my life is also different because I have the band, and I am no longer terrified of shooting back up the scale. I am losing weight for good. It's coming off without killing myself at the gym. It's coming off without constantly obsessing over food. Truth be told, I still think about food a lot and am still battling the hungries quite a bit, but it's different now. And a good different. While I want to workout and get back to the gym (going to sign up for spinning today), I also realize that I can work out 3 times a week (or not at all) and still lose weight. It doesn't have to be this giant battle every second of every day.

So, who else is working on getting below 300? I know there are a few of us. Twoterville is the term I've heard for the 200s, and I think it's awful. So, I am working on getting to TWOnesia. How's that? A little better at least? And there's actually a country called Tunisia, right? Aren't I sooooo smart? (Yes, a bit narcissistic, just like our beloved Heidi!)

Finally, I forgot about an NSV from Saturday. By the end of most parties, my feet and legs are KILLING me. Between getting ready and then hosting, I am usually spent by the time people leave. I was FINE on Saturday! I felt fine by the end! Granted, I was smart and threw on my Merrell sandals, so my feet had some support throughout the day, but I also think the 50 lbs I've lost helped with me not feeling so tired. And my ankles didn't swell, which is huge for me!

One more finally - I was thinking about how I've lost 50 lbs, and while I'm happy with that, I'm so focused on restriction, getting below 300, fitting into 26s, and so on that I lost sight of the fact that I've lost 50 lbs! Does that make any sense? When I separate it out and focus just on that fact - 50 lbs gone - I realize how much I've already accomplished. I need to take a step back and give myself a few kudos for hitting 50 before moving onto the next goal! :)

Happy Monday, All! It's back to work for me. YUCK!

Sunday, April 18

We seriously are related.

I just got off the phone with my only sibling - my younger brother who lives near San Francisco. We get along well, pretty much always have, even though we don't have a ton in common. He's a computer genius (has several computer/engineering degrees) and is very introverted. So kinda my opposite.

Because he is also skinny.

Very skinny. 160 and 6'1".

He eats LOTS of food (told me he ate more than 30 pieces of sushi on a first date the other night, and the only reason he didn't eat more is because he didn't want to embarrass himself). He is constantly trying to gain weight. He was so excited to tell me that he's been working really hard on bulking up and has managed to gain 10 lbs over the last few months through weightlifting and power eating.

Life is so unfair!

He went on to tell me how "eating is so much work and I hate it and I am always hungry. And if I could just have an IV inserted so I wouldn't have to bother to eat, life would be so much better." And he was being totally serious. He is one of those people that forgets to eat until he is shaking so badly that he has to eat.

I know his problem is as frustrating to him as mine is to me, but damn, from where I'm sitting, seems like a nice problem to have. Fortunately for him, his problem *is* easier in the sense that there's no social stigma nor health issues related to his problem.

He's also a true blonde, has striking blue eyes, and has never had a zit in his life. Yep, color me jealous! (Just kidding, he's great, but I'm happy with me as well.)

Giving credit where credit is due

Yesterday's party went really well. Lots of fun with family and friends. Lots of good food. Lots of good food that I didn't really care about.


Yep, I might not be getting that full feeling, but I am noticing a shift in my thinking about food. It just doesn't appeal to me in the same way that it used to. I was thinking that was because I am still a bit tight, so eating is difficult and certainly not enjoyable. But maybe I need to give credit where credit is due - maybe the band is doing what it's supposed to. Maybe, just maybe, I am working my way towards the green zone.

It's not like I purposely wasn't eating. I just didn't really care to. I was kinda hungry, or at least, not full. And there was lots of good food that I just felt kinda "meh" about. In fact, I realized I hadn't even had any of Beckett's birthday cake until we were cleaning up around 9 pm! I did eat a spoonful of frosting, because I HAD to have a bite of his first birthday cake. It was good - but one spoon was also enough.

It also probably helped that my friends were raving over my weight loss. I was wearing one of the awesome tops that Jen from "What you Lookin' at Skinny?" sent me. It was fun!

So, to wrap up where I'm at re: the sweet spot. I still feel hungry a lot, I still think about food a lot, but I don't necessarily want to eat. And while I think about food, it doesn't consume me. I think part of it is mental, part of it is a still-a-bit-too-tight-band, and part of it is ???? Anyhow, baby steps, right?

Of course, I can't talk about how great I looked (and felt) and how much fun the party was without sharing a few pics:

Hmmm...for me?


Chubby frosting fingers!

My family

Saturday, April 17

Party time!

Today is DS's birthday party, so I'm afraid I won't be able to stay and play long today. I feel like I've hardly had any time to blog. What the hell with real life interfering with me playing here all day?

I lost yet another lb over night. Loving this - even if I am hungry most of the time! I tried solid protein yesterday (chicken salad for lunch, tilapia for dinner), and I just don't get full-feeling. I'm not too stressed over it. I want the band to loosen up a bit more before I freak out about it. It's still super slow going (1/2 c. chicken salad took me 30 min), so I am thinking I'm still a bit too tight to reap the true benefits of the band. If you've been in this spot, please comment and reassure me that it gets better!

Now, as for Chicago. You don't understand how badly I want to go. However, my entire family except for me is in brother-in-law's wedding the following weekend. That means a tux for DH as best man, a dress for DD as flower girl, a mini-tux for DS as ring bearer, 3 or 4 plane tickets, a hotel room for the weekend, gifts, meals out, and so on. I really, really, really am trying to figure out how to get myself to Chicago the weekend before, from both a time and money perspective, but I am afraid I'm going to have to be a game time decision. If we weren't moving, it'd be a no brainer, as I'm less than 4 hours from Chicago here in Ohio. However, it'd be a hell of a drive from Orlando! So, I'll keep you posted...

Finally, a few pics of me and the kids from DS's birthday on Thursday:

Friday, April 16

Oh yeah, guess who rocks?

You got it - ME!

50 lbs gone! Oh, and they took another .2 lbs with them as well. Thanks kindly, gone lbs!

My band is loosening up a bit. I was able to eat three medium-sized chicken fingers yesterday afternoon. I took it slow, but it went down. And the bummer is I didn't feel full. I am not sure why, but it's not quite working for me the way it is intended. I'll work through it and I'm not giving up, but if it worked sooner than later, I'd be appreciative!

I'll try with a more solid protein today (it's all I had in the house yesterday and both kids were napping), but if anyone has any suggestions as to how to achieve some fullness, I am all ears!

We spent the morning at the local children's science museum with our neighbors, celebrating my son's first birthday. I can't believe he is ONE! I'm off today as well to prep for his party tomorrow. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, making his first year video, and all that fun.

I best get my butt in gear and not waste the day away...hope everyone has a lovely Friday!

Wednesday, April 14

Ate real food!

Our neighbors had me and the kids over for dinner tonight. I didn't really want to discuss the band with them (they are very crunchy -granola people; lovely people, but definitely au natural types), but being so tight, I was fretting it a bit.

Fortunately, I managed to eat some whole wheat mac n cheese, baked sweet potato, and some cheese. And no stuckness at all! I went slooooooooooow and took very small bites.

I saved my avocado from lunch, so I might attempt a bit more later.

The downside is I still don't feel restriction. I mean, I am obviously too tight, but when I do eat, there's no lasting relief from hunger. I assume that's because I'm not able to really eat protein yet nor eat enough to stave off hunger for any reasonable amount of time.

That's okay - I see light at the end of the tunnel. And 50 lbs gone in my near future!

Afternoon quickie

I just got into the office after doing a TV interview this morning, so I have to make this quick, since I am on vacation the next two days and have LOTS to do.

Wednesdays are my official weekly weigh-in (the one that gets recorded for posterity) and I am officially down 49 lbs!

I still can't eat crap. I had a pseudo-stuck episode on an avocado at lunch. It's getting old, but I figure with the weight flying off, it's gotta loosen up sooner than later.

More later, my loverlies!

Tuesday, April 13

Craaaaaaaaaaazy thoughts beat down

I have lots of crazy thoughts. As you, my loverly followers (and yes, I do mean loverly), already know.

I met a friend I used to play bunco with (Don't laugh! It's fun!) for lunch to discuss me taking her daughter's senior pictures. As we've discussed ad nauseum the past few days, I am uber-tight. The whole way to meet her, I had discussions with myself about ordering soup. A bowl of soup. Nothing else but soup.

We get to Chili's, and I peruse the menu and start having hallucinations about getting something else, telling myself that artichoke and spinach dip would probably go down just fine. Or chips and salsa. Or maybe even some kind of nacho.

WTH is wrong with me? Oh, that's right. Crazy. C-R-A-Z-Y. Like four shades of purple crazy (yeah, I have no idea what that means, but it sounds really crazy, doesn't it?).

I can't eat crap right now. I KNOW this. So, I push those thoughts aside. Victory, I say to myself. WRONG.

I then see that they have this express lunch that comes with chips, salad, and bottomless soup. Of course, I should get that, right? Bottomless soup. Perfect. Goes well with my lavendar, purple, violet, and royal, doesn't it?

Suddenly, I snap out of it and realize that one ONE ONE bowl of soup will be plenty.

And I order one bowl of soup.


Take that crazy thoughts! Oh yeah! I am the champion. Queen was totally singing about ME. I so totally beat you down, crazy thoughts.

Too bad I was practically drooling while watching my friends eat. Oh well, still a victory, even if it was soaked with drool.

Slowly but surely

Thanks for all the supportive comments yesterday. I had a protein shake for dinner along with a snack of 1/2 c. of cottage cheese. I feel much better this morning. I'm sipping on another protein shake as we speak. Instead of my beloved caramel macchiato. I told myself if I was a good girl and had a protein shake for breakfast and soup for lunch, I could have a caramel macchiato for an afternoon snack. The shake is going down slowly this morning, but it's going down. And I know it's not unusual to be tighter in the AM, so I think I'll be fine in a week or so.

Another lb gone overnight for a total of 48.2 lbs lost. My goal was to hit 50 by my 5 month anniversary, and since it's still 12 days away, and I'm only 1.8 lbs from 50, I'm pretty confident I'll make it!

I also wanted to say, I know my eating was not stellar on Sunday, the day I posted my menu. We normally do not eat that much fast food, but my friend was in town with her very picky 2-year old. And she is pickier than he is. She eats PLAIN food. Like a single from Wendy's is plain - a bun and a burger. No ketchup, no nothing! When she comes to visit, we eat out the whole time, as there's no way to make everyone happy. I realize I was no where near getting in what I should have, but it was a crazy day. Not to say we don't eat crap sometimes, because we certainly do, it's just not usually twice in one day!

On other notes, the owner of the company that DH works for leaves for FL today. They are there until Sunday, and if all goes well, they'll be signing a lease while they're down there. Keep your fingers crossed - we should have some answers very, very soon as to when we are moving!

And one final note, if I don't show back up on Thursday, it's because I am in jail for beating my husband. He has been self-employed the last few years, meaning our taxes are not straight-forward. My mom does our federal and state, but we do our city taxes. I am happy to do them for him, but he likes keeping his own books and such, so I can't really do it for him.

Last year, I kept begging him to get them done. I ended up finishing them up for him ON APRIL 15 WHILE IN THE HOSPITAL HOOKED UP TO AN IV AND MONITOR PREPPING FOR A C-SECTION that I was thoroughly upset about (we'd found out the day before that my son had flipped breach and there was not enough amniotic fluid to try an external version - I was devastated, as I'd already hired doula and read every natural birthing book I could get my hands on). He had to leave the hospital to go mail them, and I was sure I was going to get called early to the c-section and he was going to miss it. Fortunately, he made it back in time, but still. Ridiculous.

Fast-forward to this year, I've been telling him to take care of this for a couple of weeks. He doesn't. He leaves for his job on Sunday. Calls me yesterday - "I can't get the forms for the city taxes on my phone, since they're in PDFs." Well, I guess you best march your happy ass down to the library and find an internet connection and a printer, huh? Seriously. His lack of work-ahead-ness is going to drive me to insanity. So, if anyone is willing, I might need bailed out on Thursday. Thanks!

Monday, April 12

Sucky suckerson suckity suckness of the suckity suckiest degree

I am seriously hating my band right now.

I went home and faithfully measured out 1 cup of my lunch (a cooked mixture of ground beef, petite diced tomatoes, and rice). Three tiny bites in over the course of 10 min, and I knew it wasn't going anywhere except up. And up it came. Twice.

I think it's safe to say, I really am too tight. I'm going to try Jen's protein test, but I think it'll have to be tomorrow, as I should probably stick to liquids for the rest of the day (oh, and those two tiny Hershey chocolates I just had).

I am just so. hungry. all. the. time. I drink water like it's my job - never less than 100 oz per day - but it doesn't help at all. Probably when you aren't eating much, it can't do much to help.

So far today, I've had a venti caramel macchiato, 3 bites of lunch (two of which probably came back up), two Hershey miniatures, and am working on a cup of coffee with some half and half in it. Oh, and 48 oz of water so far. No wonder I am hungry. Sigh. Sigh. LOUD sigh.

I guess a protein shake is in my future. Blech.

If you are still reading my whine, since I can get liquids down, I should just wait it out, right? Today is day 7 since my fill. I am self-pay and my surgeon is 60 miles away, so I really want to wait it out. But then I am sooooooooo tired of being hungry. Sigh. Sigh. REALLY REALLY REALLY AMAZINGLY LOUD sigh.

Sorry to be whiney, but this is getting old really quickly. The only upside is the weight loss - 5 lbs in 6 days. At this rate, I could be at goal in about 6 months. Sweet!

Head games

First, 100 followers! YEAH! Thanks so much for following my crazy babbles.

Second, 327.2 lbs this morning. HOLY HELL! I am melting. WOOHOO!

Third, and the reason I am melting is that I am on a serious head trip.

I was talking to my BFF last night and telling her how I was still tight, but that it was loosening up because I'd been able to eat a lot today (which was yesterday, but it was today in the convo - follow me?). I ticked off all this food I'd eaten:

B: 1/2 of a fruit and yogurt parfait from McD's and about 1/4 of a small iced coffee
L: 1 chicken nugget and 1 tiny bite of cheeseburger from Wendy's (we had company and fast food was just easier, as she is the pickiest person alive) and about 3 bites of Frosty
S: 3/4 oz cheese
D: 1.5 raviolis with sauce

As I said it, she was like, "Ummmm, BFF, you are crazy." And I realized she was right. That's hardly any food. That's about one meal's worth of food, not three meals' worth of food. Certainly not a day's worth of food.

My mindset is all screwy. And let's not even talk about the amount of food I keep ordering and wasting, because I am hungry and think I can eat it, but I can't.

Part of me started freaking out, because I am hungry a lot. Not eat-my-arm-off-hungry, but thinking-about-food-hungry. I was thinking it was because I was *still* too loose.

Then I had an epiphany. It's not because I am too loose. It's because I am too tight. Right? Follow me for a minute.

The amount of food I ate yesterday wouldn't help anyone feel full all day. Even if they were at perfect restriction, because it was such a small amount.

But if my band loosens just a bit, and I can eat in the ballpark of a cup of food per meal (not all day!), I am thinking I should feel restriction.

Is anyone following me here? What do you think? Or maybe I really am just crazy!

Saturday, April 10

Did you hear that?

Nope, it wasn't thunder.

Nope, not an earthquake.

Wasn't a loud motorcycle going by.

Or even a jet breaking the sound barrier.

It was me hitting the 320s!

Yep, this morning the scale said 329.2! Swwweeeeeeeeeettttttttt!

I'm still extremely tight, but I was able to get down a few spoons of scrambled egg this morning, so I think it's loosening up a tad. Which is good, because I think if I can eat, I'll see what this restriction thing is all about and finally get to use this band the way it was intended.

Now, onto yesterday's blog about spinning. I'm kinda ticked that no one was on my side - the side of "yeah, don't be the fattest chick in class." HAHAHA - just teasing. I'm gonna sign up. I'm still a bit intimidated, but I figure nothing ventured, nothing gained!

Friday, April 9

WWMBFD? (What would my blogger friends do?)

I used to love spinning. I started spinning when I did WW Core in late 2006 through early 2007. I probably weighed about 290 at my first spin class in September 2006. I went faithfully until I found out I was pregnant in March 2007. It helped me drop about 40 lbs in that time frame.

I loved it. Really and truly probably the first exercise (not sports - I do like sports) that I ever really enjoyed.

We belong to the Y and sign-ups start Monday for the next session. There's spinning on Sat AMs early (7-8 am or 8-9 am).

Should I sign up? I'm pathetically out of shape for more than just walking. I don't want to make a fool of myself in class. I remember how hard it was to even make it through the whole class.

Part of me thinks I should wait another session, work on getting back in shape a little better.

Part of me thinks I should just do it now and take the next few weeks to at least build some endurance before it starts. I'm just intimidated at the thought of being the largest and most out of shape person in the whole class.


Living tight.

Still pretty darn tight. I had some roasted red pepper with tomato soup last night with a piece of cheese melted in it, and even that threatened to come back up on me. Total liquids are going down fine, though, so I am going to tough it out. I'm just too scared (and stubborn) to get any taken out - I don't want to lose the chance at restriction!

New low this morning - 331.8. I've been in the 330s since 12/2/09, which is more than 4 months now, so I will be shouting from the rooftops when I finally hit the 320s. Hopefully this weekend.

I have a good friend coming to visit this weekend, and she wants to hit our favorite Mediterranean restaurant while she's in town. I don't mind telling her about the band, as we've struggled with our weight together for years, which is a good thing, because unless this suddenly loosens up, I'll be sticking with crushed lentil soup for dinner while we are there!

I'm uber-cranky this morning. Someone stole my cheese out of the work fridge. It ticked me off, as it happens all the time, and I really wanted that cheese this morning. What did I do about it, you might be asking yourself? Left a giant, nasty note taped to the front of the fridge; it might have included the phrase, "Stealing is NOT the G*rl Scout way, so grow up." (I work for the G*rl Scouts.) Yep, I did. And it made me feel better.

And on that note, I'm headed home for lunch! More soup is on the menu, I guess.


1. If you could have lunch with a famous person who would it be and what would you order?

That's so tough. Brett Favre or Ellen Degeneres.

I still love Brett even if he is a traitor. I could just gaze into his eyes and not even need to eat. OK, if I had to order, I'd order him on a bun. Hold the lettuce.

And I totally puffy heart Ellen. I think I'd be laughing too hard to even eat. Although she's a super clean, healthy eater, so I'd probably rather laugh than eat what she's eating. But in order to also appear to be a healthy eater, I'd order something vegan and raw. And pretend to like it just to impress her.

2. Where’s the furthest place you’ve traveled to?

I've been to Germany several times as an exchange student and then to visit my exchange student. I've also been to Alaska (honeymoon and AWESOME!), which I think is just about as far as Germany from where I live.

3. If you could describe yourself in 4 words – what would they be?

Emotional, giving, loyal, and smart

4. What’s one interesting thing about you we don’t know?

Just one? But there's sooooooo many! Alright, I fenced for one year in high school and managed to place second in a Junior Olympic qualifier and 17th in the US JO's.

5. Finally – whose blog spoke to you, stuck with you, stayed in your mind, resonated with you – this week – and why?

Lots of people poured their hearts out this week, and I am uber-proud of them and thankful for their willingness to share and be open and raw and vulnerable and for making me think.

Band-wise, Cara had a GREAT post about how not needing to diet, and I still am trying to find a reasonably-priced flight to Australia so I can kiss her!

Thursday, April 8

Living on reds, vitamin c, and cocaine

No worries. I'm not really. But since it was so fun to give several of you ear worms yesterday, I thought I'd try again.

Plus, while this is NOT what I am living on, it does feel like I have a very limited diet right now. You know why? I am too tight I think. Sigh.

I tried to eat tiny itty bitty bites of cobb salad last night. No go. PB.

Tried it again for lunch today (why? Because I am stupid.) No go. THREE PBs and still feeling a tad stuck.

Yet starving.


I'm on my second latte of the day because at least those go down.

I guess I must limit myself to soups, lattes, and chocolate shakes for a few days. Alright no chocolate shakes. Yogurt, pudding, and any other soft mushies instead.

The good news is the scale said I was down another 1.6 lbs today, bringing my total to 42.2 lbs. I'd LOVE to hit 50 in 5 months, and while it's not super reasonable (I'd have to lose 7.8 lbs in the next 16 days), it's not completely out of the question since I can't really eat much.

Oh, and just so you don't worry - yes, water is going down fine. As is the latte and yogurt, and even nuts and cheese. Just nothing remotely 'solid'. I'll be fine in a few days. Or very skinny. Either of those work for me!

Monthly weight loss totals (For Gen & EYE OPENING!)

Wow. I know Gen asked about people's monthly weight losses. Mine are a total eye-opener. Had I not fucked around for basically two months, imagine where I'd be. Oh well, lessons learned!

  • 11/11/09 - Start (surgery was 11/25/09)
  • 12/9/09 - 31 lbs lost
  • 1/13/10 - 4.6 lbs lost
  • 2/10/10 - 2.8 lbs lost
  • 3/10/10 - 6.2 lbs GAINED
  • 4/8/10 - 10 lbs lost (net 3.8 lbs lost)
  • Total lost - 42.2 lbs

Can you tell I hit the wall after my fill in February didn't do anything? HA!

Wednesday, April 7

Is this love that I'm feeling?

Is this restriction that I'm feeling?
Is this the restriction that I've been searching for?
Is this restriction or am I dreaming?
This must be restriction
Cos it's really go a hold on me
A hold on me

(with apologies to Whitesnake!)

Ladies and gentleman (men?), I think we might have a winner!

My latte is going down slow. I almost PB'ed water last night. I heard my tummy sending up burps through the band last night.

I think these are all goooooooooooooood signs. I'm hungry as a mo-fo this morning, BUT I am about to attempt Chobani with Kashi Go Lean mixed in. Or maybe a piece of cheese. Either way, I am crossing my fingers that I may have finally made it to the holy land of bandsters!

I will keep you posted.

Oh, and glad everyone likes the new blog. And Elliana, I STILL CANNOT comment on your blog! It's driving me crazy - the word verification spot is cut off!

Tuesday, April 6

Who PB's on water? Seriously!

Oh, my. What a close call!

I tried to gulp some water.

Uh-uh. No way.

I stood over the sink for at least 5 min, sliming and praying it would stay down. It finally went down, but it certainly put up a good fight.

I don't want to get prematurely excited, but I think it's safe to say this fill did *something*. A whole lot of *something*!

And my apologies if you've been on my blog at all in the last two hours. I am playing with some new looks - I sure wish you could make all the changes you want and then go live. Oh well!

One-fifth of a teaspoon

That's how much of a fill I got today. Or 1cc. It just amazes me that such a small amount of liquid could really make a difference, but I am oh-so-hopeful that it does.

Water is going down fine, but I can kinda feel a little of it still in the back of my throat after I swallow. The PA assured me this is fine.

When they asked about my restriction, I said I feel physically full when I eat, but I have no relief from hunger. I couldn't quite describe what I was feeling, but the PA said she totally understood, and while she can't guarantee anything, she said when people feel that, the next fill generally is THE sweet one. Oh, please please please let it be!

I also asked her about my band. I'm now at 11cc in a 14cc band. Of course, knowing that even after I get to restriction, I'll need to be topped-off every now and again, and that makes me nervous, because I only have 3cc's to go. She said she's never had a patient max out their band, and that the good news about it taking more cc's to get to restriction is that it often times mean that restriction is longer-lasting without needing a top-off. In other words, since I'm already at 11cc, assuming this is my sweet spot, I might not need a top-off for several months. And then from there, maybe yearly. I'm not getting my hopes up just yet, but it does make sense!

Alrighty, my friends, I gotta get some work done, since I just got here about 45 min ago. Talk about a short day!

Monday, April 5

Another quickie (you'd think I was getting lucky or something!)

Long day at a satellite office today, so this is going to be quick.

Tomorrow is fill #5. Very much hoping (and praying!!!) this brings me to restriction.

DD is better. I never got sick. I'm not convinced she had a bug, since she only hoorked twice.

I told a coworker from the satellite office about being banded today! She was telling me about her son-in-law and how he had WLS the day before was like a sign for me to tell her, since it was the same day as my surgery. She was very gracious and supportive, and I trust it'll remain between us. BTW, her SIL has already lost 120 lbs, although I think he had the vertical sleeve done (she wasn't quite sure) and started at over 600 lbs (he's 6'8"), but he's still done amazing! She said he just is never hungry any more and could care less about food...Go him!

Finally, I came home to a package from Kinzie today, stuffed full with FOUR gorgeous tops! Thanks again - I love the sisterhood. I'll have some stuff in a few weeks, so if you started out larger like me (28-ish), keep watching!

I have no idea why I just did this, but I just ate TWO Cadbury Creme Eggs. Ugh. I will say it's the first non-protein snacking I've done in four weeks. And the first Easter candy I've had. I am overtired and being stupid. And on that note, I am sending myself to bed...but not before I ask you to wish me luck tomorrow...

Saturday, April 3


(HAHA, I wish it were of the fun variety.)

DH is at the store getting me a prescription for Zofran, as DD (2 yo) woke up from her nap puking. Le sigh.

We had a babysitter all lined up for tonight and everything. We rarely, rarely do that.

And the weekend was going so well. We took the kids to the park yesterday, went for an hour walk in our neighborhood when we got home, hung out this morning, took naps, and then BAM!

Bummer. Oh well, at least I have Zofran if I need it.

Friday, April 2


(Too funny, as I was thinking of doing something like this, but the wonderfully wise Drazil beat me to it. Control freaks unite!)

1. If you could be a Superhero (like Gilly) - what would you be called or what would your powers be?

I'd have the power to come over people's car radios and berate them for being stupid when they drive like idiots. I'd be known as The Ravishing Road-Raging Rebel.

2. Name one physical thing you love about you and one mental thing you love about you.

Physical - Just one? OK, just kidding. I have a great smile. It lights up my face, and I've been told, lights up a room. I've had countless random strangers walk up to me and tell me I have a great smile, even when I was 100+ lbs overweight. And I love to smile, so it's a win-win.

Mental - I am smart and can figure things out very quickly on my own. I love being able to problem-solve on my own and not have to rely on others.

3. If you stood in front of God (or whatever Supreme Being you may believe in) - what question would you ask him?

(Read these while understanding that I am not overly religious nor am I a regular church-goer; I'm just a girl who believes that by doing right unto others, we live a good life, make the higher power happy, and get to go someplace full of calorie-free chocolate and rainbows with all our loved ones, including pets, when we die.)

How do you feel about people committing sins in your name or using you to justify hurting/killing others? Do you really keep score of how many times people go to church? And does it tick you off that everyone wrongly assumes you are male?

4. Besides yourself - who was/is your biggest enabler in your weight loss journey?

Wow. That's tough. DH in a lot of ways, as he supports me where I am on any given day. Fat, skinny, or somewhere in between, he loves me as I am that day, which is a great support. My parents of course paid for my surgery, which allowed me to even go on this journey. And my BFF, who has never had more than an ounce of weight to lose and has been my friend through thick and thin, and while she can't empathize (having never been overweight), she certainly does everything she can to cheer me on!

5. What do you do for a living (another reader request question)?

I am the communications manager for a local branch of that organization whose members wear cute uniforms and try to convince you to buy calorie-laden sweet treats every year. I do PR, marketing, writing, editing, web management, Facebook, community cultivation, and a lot of other fun things for them. I like it, but working for a non-profit isn't helping my retirement fund (or shoe obsession), so I hope to switch industries whe we move. Or become a photographer.

6. Whose blog hit home for you this week or whose blog made you think the most this week?

Gen hit two home runs for me this week. First there was this post about reframing how we think the band should work. And then there was this post about appreciating (instead of hating) how small bites work.

But of course, I also appreciate all of you who read, write, comment, contribute, whine, vent, celebrate, post, cry, laugh, and anything else.

Thursday, April 1

I feel like sharing. Randomly.

I ate Taco Bell for dinner last night. Nachos bell grande minus the beans (beans=nasty). It wasn't tasty at all and left me feeling pretty crummy.

I wanted to paint my toenails, so I could wear sandals today. I threw away all my old polish a few months ago and never bought any new stuff, so that was out. My left big toe has the smallest amount of polish still on it from last year, so I was going to remove it. The polish remover was too old to even begin to get that stubborn polish off. But you can't keep a girl from wearing sandals when the weather breaks, so here's my solution:

(If you can't tell, that's a bandaid on my big toe!)

I'm wearing one of Jen's shirts today - a cute pink polo in size 20/22. It fits perfectly. I guess that could be considered an NSV, since I haven't worn a 20 (even if it is a 20/22, let me say 20)in anything in a few years. YEAH! Love the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!

I splurged on a new water bottle at Starbucks today. It's awesome! I like it because it has a normal-size opening to drink out of (screw off the top half of the lid), but opens wider (screw off the entire lid) so I can get ice in it. And it doesn't have one of those annoying sports-sucker-type tops. My Starbucks had them on clearance for $12, if you'd like to be cool like me (mine's grey):
I ate a piece of frozen pizza for lunch, and I am ready to eat my arm off. Bad choice. I already ate my banana I brought as my afternoon snack. My coworker gave me a light cheese stick, and I am still hungry. Guzzling water is not helping, although it is fun since my new water bottle is so pretty. Note to self: pizza has no staying power.

We have no plans for Easter, and I am pretty happy about that. (Side rant: MIL insisted on spending Thanksgiving with us, even though I didn't want her to and protested pretty loudly to DH about it, as that was the day I came home from the hospital with my lapband. When Christmas rolled around, she proclaimed over and over again that she was spending the holiday with BIL since "we got her for Thanksgiving, and she rotates holidays among her kids to keep it fair." I figured we were spending Easter with her, based on this proclamation, but I was wrong. Apparently, I don't understand what rotate means. When we move to FL, I guess she'll have to rotate with FIL for holidays, and since I learned the real meaning of rotation from her, it might not go exactly as she thinks/wants. {insert evil wink & grin here} )

I want to change the look of my blog, but I am afraid another change will push Shrinking Mommy over the top! She might even stop following me, and that would be a travesty!

I am totally slacking at work today. I need to stop. And on that note, I should get something done before the end of the day!